Welcome back sports fans!
I was pretty nervous....the thought of us not having a football season in 2011. Fantasy WNBA? Fantasy Rubix Cube Solving World Record? Fantasy Soccer? I looked at all kinds of worthless sports to get my fix. But alas, CBA's are signed and we're ready for FOOTBALL!!!!!
Of all the off-season story lines non is more ridiculous than Kevin Kolb. Here's why I hate the guy....in 2007 he signs with the Eagles for $4.285 million. In 2010 he signs an extension with Philly for another 12.25 million. In 2011 he signs a five-year deal for just under $64 million including $21 million in guaranteed money. So as of press time I'll go with the fact that Kevin Kolb has made $37 million as a QB, only counting the guaranteed dollars from Arizona.
Let's break that down as dollars per career accomplishment....
$5.3 Million per Game Started (7) OR....
$12.3 Million per Career Win (3) OR...
$3.36 Million per Career TD (11) OR....
$2.64 Million per Career INT (14)
His career QB rating is 73.2, for comparisons sake Tarvaris Jackson's career QB rating is 76.6 and Jackson's deal in Seattle is for $8 million over two years.
WTF Arizona? He is who you think he is!!!!! And you crowned his ass! When Kolb is traded to be a backup someplace else in 2 years just know you heard about it here first.
Let's meet this year's group of Football Enthusiasts, each worth more than Kevin Kolb in my book!
Evil Shenanigans (1): Your beloved Commish! Last season's 7th place finish was a horrible disaster because I drafted a Jet in the first round and he sucked.....should have saw that coming. My Fins season looks bleak at best. So glad we have Reggie Bush....his annual 300 yards from scrimmage and 2 special team touchdowns is exactly what Miami was lacking. After this report I'm writing my love letter to Kyle Orton. SAVE US!
Romosexual Regrets (1): Entered last year's playoffs the number one seed to only get immediately knocked out by a pack of wild dogs. Dallas usually has the same luck in playoffs so I wasn't surprised. The happy go lucky Romosexual is back, Felix Jones in the first round? I wouldn't put it past him. I also wouldn't put past Dallas to go a gentleman's 8-8 this season.....they sucked last year BEFORE Romo got hurt.
Starfish Loves You: My favorite Sister and bride-to-be is back with more love for football. If she gets the first pick again this year I'm throwing her out of the league, she clearly has hacked the Yahoo website. Are you still a Bronco Fan? Are you still suffering from Tebow fever? The most over-rated 3rd string quarterback to ever exist?
DOGS RUNNING WILD: I love my Mom, and she loves Peyton Manning, Her two little dogs and caps lock. I'm sorry Mom but I have the Colts on my list of teams to fade this season. Not a lot of profit in betting against Manning, but would you still draft him #1 if he can't play in until week 3?
Chaos N. Suh: Brad had a phenomenal rookie campaign last season, accomplishing more in one season than E has done in 3. However, He couldn't quite close the deal and lost the championship matchup. His Lions will roar again as hopes are high! I expect he'll draft Mathew Stafford higher than expected, he'll look like a genius until week 5 when Stafford's season is over and he's left with aforementioned Tarvaris Jackson as his QB.
4merlyKnwnAsAnEliFan: Ana is back! We've gotta change that name though. Who are you a fan of after you learned Eli is married and decided to withdraw your love for him. My prediction for Ana is that she'll once again do better than E...for the 3rd season in a row.
Only Jets Fan Left(-1): I expect E to draft Mark Sanchez, Shonn Green, and Curtis Martin....then finish in last place blaming the lack of hustle on the part of Martin. I've already vented enough about sub-par QB's so I won't talk about his man-crush Sanchez. Let's just say I don't expect the Fins to win the Superbowl this year but I think we'll beat the JETS....twice!
This Season's League Rookies....
Ben There Raped That: It's good to see that Steeler fans can own the fact their QB is a sexual predator. Heather I think is a bigger fan because of it. A fantasy football newbie, I advised her taking a defense in the 2nd round is a great strategy and the more players from one team the better. Mewelde Moore is the steal of the draft, get him by round 4 Heather!
Rice Rockets: Jeremy's a Niner fan which you'd think is a rough outlook on the season but let's be real, 7-9 could really win that division so odds are you could be dancing in January. I don't think Alex Smith is your guy but entertained that Niner organization is kicking the tires and checking the oil of a 1998 Culpepper "Just in case".
What's Your Deal?: NBC 5 Sports Director Joe Camarlinghi joins the group this year and has the pedigree of a potential champion. Big sports fans, quotes sports movies and has an excellence beer pong throw. I'm assuming a Niner Fan based on his love for the SF Giants. I think that's the first time we've had two team managers with the same favorite team. I'll have to recycle my jokes about Alex Smith's inabilities and Gore's lack of durability when talking about him or Jeremy.
Saying Goodbye to: Chesterfield Champs, Pimps from Oakland and last year's champ White RBs Anonymous. Brandon had to leave due to work commitments, I'm fine with that because I was sick of hearing about his Browns. Cleveland sucks!
And as always the Commish report will be posted weekly. And my annual disclaimer still applies, don't take anything i say in here seriously (unless it's about Oklahoma football because I seriously hate them). This football season should be EPIC so sit back, grab a beer and turn the lights up bright because it's going to be a hell of a show!
The Commish
S.
