The Commish Report: Week 8

I know we typically prefer to have a lot of fun on here.....but I'm about to put this on the serious tip.

You see, something was said this week in the NFL that really bothered me.

“He’s, of course, one of the real leaders on this team and he earns it and he earns it with respect from all of his teammates and that’s the kind of thing that inspires a football team,” - Cowboys owner Jerry Jones referring to defensive player Greg Hardy.

Really?

In case you don't know, Carolina selected Greg Hardy in the 2010 draft after Hardy fell down/off other teams’ draft boards because of questions about his character. At the University of Mississippi, he was suspended for missing team meetings and violating team rules. He was first round talent taken in the sixth round.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

Prior to his legal issues in 2014 (we're getting to that) Hardy's wrap sheet was he had three speeding tickets, two of which were waived and another he received a prayer as his judgment. He also received charges of no operator’s license, a window tint violation, and a driving without registration that were all also dismissed.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

While in Carolina, Hardy developed an alter ego called "The Kraken" which a former teammate observed it caused him to "lose touch" with who he really is and made him "un-manageable". His Twitter account is under this alter ego and he tweeted this earlier this year.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

Carolina dropped him from their active roster after a domestic disturbance against Hardy was filed. The report details how an intoxicated Hardy picked her up and threw her into a tub, then dragged her across the floor by her hair. While screaming threats, he lifted her over his head and threw her on a couch “covered in assault rifles and/or shotguns.” Hardy threatened to shoot her if “I went to the media or reported his assaults to anyone,” according to her complaint. When police arrived, she met them while crawling to the elevator. She was taken to an emergency room and described as injured “head to toe”.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

According to the woman's initial testimony "I was so scared I wanted to die. When he loosened his grip slightly I said just do it. Kill me." She said during the assault she accepted the fact that she was probably going to die that night.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

What caused this brutal outburst? According to the testimonies Hardy flipped out after someone called "party foul" on him for spilling his drink and a song by the rapper, and former fling of his girlfriends, Nelly came on the air.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

The entire case against Hardy was dropped after the woman made herself "completely unavailable," to District Attorney Andrew Murray who said in court that police went to "extraordinary measures" to gain her cooperation, including placing surveillance at her last known address and making repeated calls to family members. While 'eluding' police she updated her social media accounts with pictures of her living a very lavish lifestyle. Note, She was a waitress when she met Hardy, she had no prior money.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

As a result, Hardy was suspended for 10 games which was reduced to 4. He became a free agent and 30 NFL teams wanted "nothing to do with him" according to ESPN. 2 did, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Dallas Cowboys. Jerry Jones signed him on a one year deal worth over 11 Million dollars.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

I don't even care what happened on the sideline last week, all players get fired up. But make no mistake about it, Greg Hardy is no leader in any way shape or form and shouldn't even be allowed anywhere near the NFL. For Jerry Jones to call him a "Leader" is an insult to anyone, many of you in this league, whom I would call a leader myself. I hate Jerry Jones and I despise Greg Hardy.

Enough of that nonsense though ON TO THE MATCHUPS!!!! (4-2 Last Week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Even more cop on cop action: The two best teams with the two longest winning streaks face off this week and did I mention they're married cops?! I challenge any league in all the leagues of Yahoo to compete with that level of epic-ness. Mike's ONLY loss this season came at the hands of his wife in week one. Since then he's been invincible. Will he win this week, splitting the matchup difference with Kim 50/50 like some weird fantasy football prenup they signed at the start of the season? Or will Kim dominate the household with glitter and smell good like we all pretty much assume she does anyways. This will be close but I think Kim owns Mike, cause woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man. Kimmie wins! by 9pts.

EverythingIsUnderAchieving vs Double Dukes: Steve's going to win this so I'll just use this time to share an adorable picture of my nephew.

Shock N Mexican vs BRF Week: Man I used to love Casey's team but what happened?! Hill has underachieved, and I believed he would be a top 5 back at worse. Jamal Charles in Charge is out cold for the remainder of the season and Joseph Randal turned out to be......well Joseph Randal, the guy who couldn't keep his starting job away from 40 year old McFadden. Now he's in a tight? matchup against the BRF. His team couldn't have fallen so far from grace that Staci beats him right? right? Que? Mexican wins....by 4pts.

Shaner vs Naughty Nurse: I can't tell which is the most desperate play...Bishop Shankey or Chris Polk? Not exactly the running back battle we'd like to see in fantasy but hey it happens. Anne's team experienced some heartbreak last week, breaking a hundred points but seeing the same result. That's what happens when you reach in the draft for Drew Brees in 2015. Shane finally starting losing matchups he should lose last week, but it was pretty close. I expect the big guy to bounce back against Anne, on the shoulders of Brown, Sanders and the resurrected career of CJ2K. Shane by 14pts.

CAPS LOCK RUNNING WILD vs OnlyJetsFanLeft: Interesting enough both teams are 5-2 but one is 2nd place and the other is 5th. Pretty crowded up there at the top of the league apparently. I wouldn't know. Both teams have already racked up plenty of points by there Patriots players against my beloved Dolphins on a heartbreaking TNF. Devonta Freeman will tack 30pts on to the 30pts Brady has already got him so I gotta think E takes this one, unless the Packers go off, which I doubt against a Denver Defense which is playing out of its mind right now. E takes another big step toward his playoff debut which is 7 years in the making. E by 16pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs Seadderall: Glancing at the league standings it breaks my heart to know my squad has scored more points than EIGHT other teams but remains a 2 win wonder going in to week 8. At some point this season the law of averages has to turn in my favor....right? You guys can't keep having your best week ever against me....right? It doesn't help that Tannehill had his worst game of the season for me already. But I got to believe both Hopkins and OBJ have bounce back games in them this week. Joe's team is looking fierce, looking like a NFC West pro-bowl team. I gotta admit I did not think Gurley would be anywhere near as good as he has been.

In Todd Gurley's first three starts this season, he has 433 rushing yards.
This season, after FIVE games, Matt Forte led the NFL in rushing yards. He had 438 yards.

Scary good. But I got to believe in my team to finally catch someone on an off week and get a win. My playoffs begin today. Shenanigans by 0.5pts.

Happy Halloween everyone! For those who were at last nights party be sure to send me the link to all the NSFW pics ;)

Miss you guys, home in 50ish days!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 7

I love twitter.

It has to be my favorite of the social media platforms. I find myself checking it throughout the day for laughs, interesting articles, fantasy football information, advertising stuff, that feed is like a custom daily magazine of what I think is awesome.

However, I'm actually a bit of a wallflower on the platform, sending out maybe a tweet every other day. Typically anything I send will only get me 30 impressions and the occasional engagement, usually from Carla and/or romosexual. A very small ripple along the information super highway.

But last week was a different story.

I had a tweet go over a thousand impressions and hundreds of engagements. HUGE for me!

That tweet...


Rest assured, farts are still funny.

You know what's not funny? The whooping I put on E last week. It was serious. Who knew I had it in me? I didn't. My team doesn't always win, but when we do, we score more points than any team has at any point so far this season. That's what it takes too! E still had one of his best weeks against me. But it didn't matter. Who needs Devonta Freeman anyways? (I still do).

Mike and Kim continue to sit on top of the league right now. I guess there isn't enough crime in Southern Oregon. My mom is dominating the legacy division which isn't a surprise. 3 government employees. In league vs league play the legacy group is 7-5 against the crossfitters. I fought the law and the law won (0-2). The season is far from over and hey, if the Miami Dolphins can turn it around in 2015 then so can YOU (Carla, Anne, Staci).

MATCHUPS MATCHUPS MATCHUPS (6-0 Last week....A FLAWLESS VICTORY)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! Shaner vs TDs make me go long: Not every week you see an 8th place team heavily favored over a 1st place team but that's what BYE weeks will do to you. Shaner quit on his team about half way through TNF last week but his team didn't quit on him, pulling an upset out of his mexican standoff. Can he shock the world 2 weeks in a row? I think so. Without the Red Rifle and a few others I just don't think the TDs are very big this week. In fact, I think those TDs are flat. Basically bee stings. Shaner wins another he probably shouldn't have, by 9pts.

Tactical Turtlenecks vs Stormin Mormon Pruitt: I always wanted a brother when I was little cause Carla never wanted to play. Sure she'd throw a pity round of "Cruisn USA" or "NBA Jam" but my largest rival was always Artificial Intelligence until Steve came along. We've logged many of hours competing in ridiculous shit (nerf guns and ceiling fans) but I get my biggest kick beating him at this. At 4-2 his team is clearly overachieving not unlike his beloved Utah Utes. However, I can now add Eddie Lacy and AJ Green to Gronk and Adrian Peterson as players I won't have to face this year because of BYE weeks. Not that this has done me any good in the past (damn cops) but it's reason enough to me to pick me cause i love me some me. by 13pts.

Victorious Secret vs BRF Week: Last week Andrew Luck outscored Cam Newton by 8.22pts. Pretty sure I could just update that figure every week moving forward for BRF matchups. Kimmie by bunches.

IsEverythingAwesome? vs. devonta fre-E-man: If you drafted the Denver Broncos this season you're gonna have a bad time. E by A LOT!

DOGS RUNNING BYE WEEKS vs Seadderallonmyteam: My mom is 1-3 the last 4 years when the Packers on a BYE week. Her one win coming against me in 2013. At time of press Marshawn Lynch was running over the Niners....i guess we'll call it defense. Also, STAR QUARTERBACK BLAKE BORTLES has been a consistent fantasy threat, I never thought I'd write that, and Julio Jones can't watch Devonta Freeman get all the glory for 3 straight weeks can he?! Sorry Ma, but I gotta think Joe gets the win whilst the Packers take it easy. Joe by 18pts.

Choque N Awe vs Naughty Nurse: Finalmente un partido que se siente aún! Lo que sucedió a Casey Baker's squad??? Montando una racha perdedora de dos juegos a la derecha en la mediocridad. De hecho perder a la mediocridad! Anne en el ínterin todavía está tratando de encontrar su camino a través de esta desastrosa temporada. Alguien tiene que ganar esta cosa derecha? Tengo que darle a la Mexicana. Lo que queda de su equipo debe ser capaz de derrotar a la consecución de la defensa del bajo champ escuadrón de no-amenazas. Voy a recoger Casey fuera de Home Depot y pagarle un día de trabajo honrado, por 10 pesos.

BYE weeks are killing people this week.

Hey Mambo! Mambo Italiano.

Has any player "Honey-dicked" fantasy managers more than Carlos Hyde? Dude rushes for 30.2pts in week one and has struggled to break 6pts ever since???

Inconceivable!!!

Hello?! Helloooooooo!? Anybody home? Think McFly. Think!

I just giggled and farted

Go Ducks!

GO ROYALS!!!!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 6

Late Commish report again. I haven't watch more than a moments worth of any football in 2 weeks! It's been awful. I plan on doing nothing today. Absolutely nothing but watch football and it will be everything I ever dreamed it could be.

ICYMI - I Giggled and Farted at Facebook HQ this week.

The Crossfit Division must have been soft to begin with cause rookie officers have that division on lockdown. Meanwhile, E has run amuck, making up for over a decade of defeats to reign supreme for the first time in forever. I'm stuck at the bottom, watching all of you seemingly wait until me to have your best game ever. Even my ONE WIN came on Carla's best week of the season. This is the bullshit of all bullshits. But I still love this. We need a trophy.

Reality Football hasn't been any kinder. The Utah Utes is a top 4 team in the nation. I should just stop there. The Ducks play offense in slow motion now and the defense just looks confused. At least tomorrow we all get a look at the New Look Dolphins who, in the ultimate act of irony, promoted a bully to Head Coach who vows to make life tough for the players so that they play tough on the field. Oh, and if the playoffs started today, three teams from the AFC East would be in. Three Teams not named Miami Dolphins. I hate this season.

MATCH IT UP AND KNOCK IT DOWN!!!! (3-3 last week. I'm so even money and I don't even know it.)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Me and E and a Bottle Makes 3: I know what you're thinking, a 1-4 team vs a 4-1 team is a good matchup??? In this case it is and I'll tell you why. In 2008, when "Low" by Florida was the top song, E joined our little league and has lost a lot of hair and matchups ever since. Now, 7 years later, E finally put together a squad (thanks to me being an idiot) and since at the top of the mountain. Already with more wins than his yearly average, Eric will finally get a chance to destroy the one guy who has never missed a chance to crack a few wises at his expense. This matchup is 7 years in the making and I'd be a fool to think my team of let downs could possibly stop the Devonta Squat right? Shenanigans by 5pts.

Mother versus Daughter: Starting to wonder about Carla's fantasy footballilities. Not since that insane season where she had Adrian Peterson AND Chris Johnson, has she even made the playoffs. Meanwhile, my mom has almost always been a consistent NFL encyclopedia with a straight forward auto-draft strategy of drafting Packers QB, Packers WR, Packers WR, Whoever Peyton Manning is throwing to, any low hanging patriot she can get her hands on and a committee of middling running backs. She is the modern NFL. Carla's only a threat if she has a 2,000+ yard running back on her squad and CJ Anderson just ain't dat dude. DOGS by 20pts.

Mike's on his BRF week. Why don't I get a BRF week?

Seadderall vs. The Utah Utes: I've been having a lot of fun looking at our league history this season and something you can always count on are these two showing up in the playoffs. However, Joe has been a torn in Steve's paw. In the regular season they've actually had the same record against each other, including an actual TIE in 2013. However, In 2011 they battled for the title with Joe coming up on top and then In 2013, Joe bounced Steve out of the first round of the playoffs. Is Joe the Arizona State of Steve's fantasy squad? Seadderall hasn't been the same team since Big Ben went down and starting Rafi from the League isn't the answer. I'll take the Utes to win a close one, and stay ranked. Steve by 10pts.

Victorious Secret vs Queen Anne: Hello ladies ;) sometimes you try to make more of a matchup than it's going to be. Like tonight's Sunday Night Football. We all know the Patriots are going to absolutely destroy the Colts just like they did in the playoffs last year but that won't stop Chris Collinsworth and the human Koala Bear, Bob Costas, from treating it like the game of the century. The reality is this deflategate revenge tour is a fantasy gravy train and I see 2 Patriots on Kim's team and 0 on Anne's. For me, it's that simple. I'll take Victorious to be........well... you know. By 14pts!

#idontwantnomediocre vs Shock N La Bamba: One week your team has an insane amount of depth at RB and then the next week #BAM injuries and BYE weeks bring you to your knees. #fantasylife. Shane has already given up on his team, made clear by the depressing renaming of his team. Usually this move is reserved for week 9 or 10 but hey, some people lack #patience. Without Jamal Charles in Charge of his team anymore I have lowered my expectations for the Mexican's season. I'll take #shane to #win getting his team back to #.500 by #17pts.

"Why is he yelling?" - Hiro watching Sportscenter.

Going to a professional haunted house in KC. For $37 a ticket I BETTER DIE!

The party don't start 'til i walk in!

Do yourself a solid and watch the movie Dope, now available to rent for $5. Probably my favorite movie of the year.

Today is Mike Ditka's birthday! In honor of it, I'll have the Polish Sausage.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 5

We're already a quarter of the way through this soap opera and already I'm beginning to ask myself some big questions.

Is my team bad?

Should I become a Chiefs fan?

Could Chip Kelly return to the Ducks?

I hate Devonta Freeman.

Should I be Bob, from Bob's Burgers, for Halloween?

Are the Giants good again? Giants vs Patriots III?!?!?!

With both the LOLions and the Cowgirls surrendering the season faster than the french surrendered Paris to the Nazi's, I've been needing new NFL storylines to follow. Here's what peaks my interest now.... How long with Philbin be the head coach of the Miami Dolphins, will someone PLEASE beat the Patriots, how long does Peyton Manning survive the season (if you haven't already, read this), what the hell is going on in SF, will Orange is the new Beckham Jr.'s encore season fall flat (I hope not!)? These are the things I waste countless work hours and poops thinking about.

Even still, rest assured I root hard every weekend for the failures from Detroit and Dallas and this season hasn't disappointed at all in that sense.

Anyone noticing the amount of hatred being spewed at the Ducks (and their fans) since they stopped playing at the caliber of awesomeness we had all grown accustom to? What did we, the fans, do to you guys? Was it that rough watching us win everything (but the big games) for the last decade? Who hurt you? Well enjoy it while it lasts cause Ducks will be back.

I'm talking to you Steve.

IT'S A MATCH.....UP (5-1 Last Week, DAMN YOU KIMMIE!!!!!)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Dogs vs Mexicans: Last week my mom easily dispatched of one of my knuckleheaded friends and this week she takes on another. This one married a stripper! But more importantly, these two squads are both a win away from topping their division. Both squads have been finding gold on the waiver wire (Devontaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!) and have turned their teams scrappy. We all know how documented of a fan I am of Casey's squad, but this week looks rough with matchups against Seattle and New England for his key players. Meanwhile, DT against Oakland alone is enough to make a believer and Blount will probably be this week's Garbage Time MVP after NE goes into the half up 27 on the Cowboys. These dogs don't fold, they win! By 10pts

Evil Shenanigans vs 1st Place TDs: Remember that movie "The New Guy" starring one dimensional actor DJ Qualls? No? Missed that one? Well let me fill you in. To gain the respect of his school (and date super underrated hottie Eliza Dushku) scrawny little DJ Qualls has to kick the ass of the biggest, baddest guy at the school. See where I'm going with this? This week I gotta do the same thing and take down King Mike in front of everyone. That's right. Shenanigans by 14pts.

NaughtyNurse & Mason vs Devonta Freeman & Eric: for Chris Sims? GOD DAMMIT!!!!! E by a lot.

Seadderall vs Gracie Leave Ted Alone: As much fun as I had making fun of BRFs squad, JOE was the one with the least amount of points last week. What the hell happened?! 40pts? There were individual players who have put up more in a game than that squad did in the week. Meanwhile, Shane needs to rebound after last week's embarrassing loss. With a couple of soft matchups this week, especially Brown against a non-existent Chargers secondary, I see him getting the job done this week. Gracie's a beast this week, wins by 15pts.

Aaron Rodgers Hot Girlfriend Is Olivia Munn vs Even Record Secrets: It's amazing what a difference one win makes. 1-3 is 11th place, 2-2 is 5th place. Still a lot of football left to play. I gotta hand it to Carla, being a good wife and supporting her husband's awful choice of football teams. How long will that support hold up with Gronk has 2TDs and NE Def returns at least one of Weeden's many INTs for a score? Won't be a pretty day in the Pruitt household and Kimmie takes the win by 11 (I picked eleven because Weeden is 0-10 as a starter now and likely to lose again)

Broken Romo vs BYE Week: The over/under on this matchup is 178.08 and I'm taking the under, the way under. These squads suck. It's AJ Green followed by nobody I would have drafted before round 6. At least Stacie is starting a QB who is expected to play this week. Picking this matchup must be the feeling Micah gets when he picks his wardrobe in the mornings, does it even matter if what's underneath isn't good to begin with? THAT'S SO COLD. And he's not even here to defend himself. But I digress. Just for shits and giggles lets call an upset. STACIE BY 3PTS.

It's all fun and games until you find yourself starting Boobie Dixon.

Moving week! The new Apartment is downtown and it's awesome. Someone come visit me.

WHO'S THAT POKEMON?!?!?!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 4

*Pops the cap off a Dos Equis, gets creative*

Welcome to the first week of cross league contamination. This is like the SEC vs the PAC-12 with Legacy teams taking on those upstart Crossfitters. Kinda quiet on the trash talk front this week, wonder what caused that.....

Current Leader: Hair Not Included

The biggest story this week is Undef-E-ated Pitt as the last man standing. Wow. This is the same E who once waited until November to notch his first win. Screw finding water on Mars, THIS is the biggest news of the week. I can't wait to see how he craps out down the stretch and fails again to make the playoffs. When that happens I'ma call his team the CowboyEeeeeeees.

While I enjoyed the sweet sweet taste of victory last week it was an otherwise dark day of football with the Ducks and Dolphins both taking landside losses against opponents they used to dominate with ease. Ugh. The Helfrich era has begun and honestly, I disagree with Joey Harrington. While yes, there's suddenly a lot of space on the Bandwagon, there's nothing wrong with having higher expectations after almost a decade of dominance. We should expect to WTD all the days. That said, I ain't going nowheres. Love my ducks.

London games are stupid. Watching the Dolphins is tough already, let alone waking up even earlier to do it. Also, I was planning on going to the Detroit Lions vs Kansas City Chiefs game until I found out it was also happening in London. I was going to make a shirt that was Chiefs Red and in white letters across the chest it would say "#LOLions". God damn London games.

Last week was rough, this week will be better LETS SEE SOME MATCHUPS!!!! (5-1 Last Week, this season is back on track!)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Shaner vs My Mom: I think we can all understand the significance of this matchup. My mom has had her fill of my goofball friends over the year (Nick, Travis, Schulz, Kelly, remember when my buddy Sean cried during your BBQ?) and she probably assumed I would make mature friends at some point, yet I continue to disappoint, and I'm over 30. Mom's never met Shane and that's because I don't want her to worry about the company I keep. Should she lose, I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it. Ever. Can't have that. Mom win this. DOGS by 10pts

Shake-n-Baker vs The Loneliest Jet Fan In the World: Jets suck. Actually they've been surprisingly effective just like E. After the draft I looked at the Mexican's squad with intimidation in my eyes, the clear winner of the league. I looked at E's squad like a bunch of school yard flunkies who would under achieve and leave E on the outside looking in once again come December. But surprise surprise surprise. Now it's the Mexican against the New Yorker in a showdown of what I think is a good squad and the annual collection of disappointment assembled by E. Was I that wrong?! Mexican wins by 20 pesos.

Seadderallforone vs Oh shit its the cops!: Another great matchup this week with 2nd place taking on 3rd place. Seriously, these are like early season bowl games and I'm hungover from New Years Eve. Joe fell short of his first place bid last week, taking the first loss of the season. Mike is a lucky son of a bitch who survived week 3 and hopefully put Bridgewater on the waiver wire he belongs on. I love me some Adrian Peterson and T Kelce (did you see his Smash Bros Themed Celebration??!?!) and Ryan Mallet is about as accurate connecting with his receivers as Manny Pacquiao was accurate connecting punches in his last fight. I'm on the right side of the law this week, TDs by 12pts

Naughty Naughty Nurse ;) vs Naughty Naughty ummmmm Property Development Manager?: How the mighty have fallen! Queen Anne's royal reign has gone from Joffrey to Tommen in only 4 weeks. How did that happen?? Mason has already increased involvement in the chat by 1000% so is he now pulling the levers on team Manneson? Or maybe the obvious Collusion IS TEARING THIS FAMILY APART?! Either way, the slide continues this week and I believe the Romosexual takes this by 19pts.

Had Something for This vs BRFs are (surprisingly!) tough to beat: Poor Carla has once again talked a big draft and come up short winded. If there was ever a week to win it would be during the BRF week. Andrew Luck is nursing a shoulder injury and the talent drops pretty hard on this squad after him. You can do this Carla. I believe. Had Something has something for this and wins by 9pts.

Winning Shenanigans vs Kimmie's Secrets: A Gronkless Kim isn't much of a threat now is she? This is my lucky week. Not sure what to write about here now. Pretty obvious who's gonna win. No Gronk, No Problem. I win by 20 or more points.

Another blessed week of football. I'll be traveling on Sunday though....hopefully my plane has the Wifi.

These would be easier to type if Kittens didn't exist.

The call is coming from inside......your phone!

LeVeon Bell was worth going 0-2 for.

I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down.

Big week next week, I get to go to Facebook and Twitter for workshops on how to be better at Facebook and Twitter.

Let's build a spaceship.

The Commish
S.