The Commish Report: Week 12

Christmas Trees are his favorite. 

I hope you all had as wonderful a Thanksgiving as I had in North Carolina, surrounded by Katie's "white side". Now, Christmas time is in full swing back in Kansas City, despite it reaching 70 degrees this weekend. Yay global warming. I am thankful for friends, family, football and especially thankful for Russell Wilson scoring the 35pts I needed to beat Eric last week. Blessings.

You know who should be thankful but isn't? The Buffalo Bills. Being a part of the BillsMafia is already more of a way of life than it is a fan base (proof) yet that organization takes the best part of their team, Tyrod Taylor, and sits him in favor of...Nathan Petermann. Who was bad. Justice League bad. WTF could they possibly have seen in practice that made them think T-mobile was the one holding this team back and Petermann is the spark this team needed? Tyrod Taylor is a beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure and the Bills don't deserve him.

In our beautiful world of non-athletic athleticism, the post season table is just about set and now teams are jockeying for positioning as we made the final turn. The only battle is for that 6th position. It's mine for the taking but there's one person within striking distance and that's my lovely fiancé. If I win this week I'm in. If I win next week I'm in too. She needs to win both. Should my team fall apart down the stretch, no kitten on Earth will be safe from my wrath.

Grab a matchup and light it up. (4-2 Last Week, Thankful)

"Thoughts on Mike's team?"

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! 90's Buffalo Bills vs Big TDs: Shane hasn't tangled with the law this much since senior week back in '99. A win and he takes over the first seed. A loss and Mike will most likely walk into the post season on the same golden road he's been on since the beginning. Mike's team is showing up for the 2nd straight week, already bumping up his projection by 30pts. But Shane's no lightweight (obvi). Fun fact, only ONE team has scored over 100pts against Mike this season, and that was Shane back in week 3. That's all it should take to beat Mike. Shane will score over 100pts this week. Shane gets the win and takes over 1st place.

(Another fun fact about Mikes team. The average amount of points scored against him this season is 81.75. Meanwhile, teams facing me have scored less than this only once. However, the league record for weakest schedule is 76.9. But this was set before we had defensive players. In short, Mike's schedule is soft. Kevin Durant soft.)

Victorious Secrets vs. Naughty Nurse: Meeeeeee and Marvin, Marvin Jones. We got a thing going on....well on the bench at least. I'm sure Kimmie was cussing into her stuffing on Thanksgiving when her bench went off for 22 points. While Mark Ingram has been seemingly unstoppable these past few weeks I don't see much else on Kims roster that I think will put up big points this weekend. On her starting roster at least. This matchup will be Funchess and I see Anne coming out on top. Naughty by Nature and 10pts.

The Elders vs Mariota Kart: A Keenan hasn't had a year this good since '96 when a simple grocery store clerk befriended an orange soda loving fool named Kel and comedic gold ensued. After a big Thanksgiving for Steve I don't see much on Carla's roster than makes me believe she'll pull of the stunning upset. "Aw, here it goes!" Elders by 20pts.

Yup, NotMakingThePlayoffs vs. Still has a shot at the Playoffs: After his crushing defeat last week, Eric looks to rebound against the future Mrs. Roberts. Unfortunately, Thielen was relatively quiet on Thanksgiving and he's left with key players facing stout defenses while the Patriots play Miami who is not so good at football but awesome at making cocaine videos for hookers. I'm gonna have to say Katie gets the win this week, by at least a gram. Maybe even a quarter.

BRFs vs The Mexican: Feliz Navidad Bitches!!! Casey by mucho.

Evil Shenanigans vs. His Mom: While I may consider myself "Mr. Monday Night Football" my team sucks at Thursday Night Football. Other than Kareem Hunts 40 point opener, my players on Thursdays never dress to impress and last Thursday was no exception, putting me behind the eightball this weekend. Minus the first week of the season, DOGS has consistently scored around the mid 90's but has only broken 100pts twice, including a loss last week. I think the stats are in my favor, but in this game nothing is certain. Evil prevails and locks up the Playoff birth, by a miraculous monday night football defensive TD.

How hot was Kareem Hunts start to the season? He hasn't made his projection in 7 straight games and is still the 2nd best back in Fantasy. Praying to the BBQ Gods he gets back on track this week.

For years I thought Mele Kalikimaka was "a wise way" to say Merry Christmas to you. Years.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 11

Hello there. Welcome back. I'm glad you could join me this evening. Remember this is your world. You get to make and break the rules here.

Roger Goodell vs. Jerry Jones is the war of words between two rich white men I didn't realize my life was missing. Who do you even root for in this? One guy is ruining football with London games every year. The other ruins football by giving the Lions three picks for Roy Williams. Whoever wins, its been a big year for white, power hungry, James Bond villains already so glad to see that gravy train continuing to roll strong.



That Boodrow Gravy Train came to a screeching halt last week with legacy teams saying "$#%@ the police". In fact, Legacy teams actually won 4 of 6 cross divisional matchups last week! Doubling their season win total against those other guys in a single leap. Currently the hottest team the league is the Mormon lover from Dallas.... or is that the Dallas lover from Utah?

(4-2 last week. Still not perfect.)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! In New York City, a guy could pay ten bucks to watch two cops have sex in a cage but in Southern Oregon the action is even hotter. Fantasy Football hot! The best part of this matchup is that one of them will be on a two game losing streak. I hope it's Mike, since 1,2,3,4,5, SIX!! other teams have scored more points this season than his band of losers and Fournette. What's that? Fournette is a game-time decision for a team that actually benched him a week ago? Kim wins, by 15pts. 

90's Buffalo Bills vs. The Mexican: I doubt that the Mexican even reads these. He wasn't even paying attention last week when my team last remaining hope, A DOLPHIN!, brought me just enough yards to sneak up and defeat him. So he probably won't notice this week when Shaner's team demolishes his squad of two living breathing Browns running backs and Dez Bryant. The 90's Buffalo Bills circle the wagons and get the win like Jim Kelly's playing in the regular season.

Super Mariota Kart vs. Antonio Brown: This.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs The Elders: Just like Dallas, Steve's team just isn't that threatening without Zeke on a leash. Meanwhile, DOGS team is running a little wild behind a Pittsburgh defense that picked off Mariota 4 times. Mix in Karmara in primetime and Carr needing to keep up with the Patriots, I'm smelling an upset. But would it be really and upset when she already beat him back in week 3?! DOGS gets the win and the sweep by 5pts. 

BRFs Can't Be Beat vs Naughty Nurse: A full and updated roster, good things! Derrick Henry getting 30 yards, bad thing. Meanwhile, team Hansen is looking better each week they get closer to the Playoffs. NN wins by 19pts. 

Evil Shenanigans vs. Eric Shenanigans: Eric's using the same technique in fantasy football that he use to use to pick up women. Insult them and hope they feel a need to prove themselves. Since re-naming his team to "Not Making the Playoffs" he's gone 3-2. Ironically if he wins he'd be in the Playoff picture, taking my place on the bubble. Am I mad about having the most points in the league yet a "bubble team" with 3 weeks remaining? Yes. Yes i am. Evil by 10pts. 

Tomorrow I catch a plane to North Carolina to for my 3rd major holiday spent with the famiLEE. My first major holiday was Thanksgiving '14. Where I was a well behaved gentleman eager to ensure her entire family enjoyed my company. The 2nd big holiday was Christmas '16, were I intentionally mixed in a small sex toy into their white elephant gift exchange for my own entertainment. I think Thanksgiving '17 is when the family meets drunk Scott. Time for the real me flash across the sky like a handsome shooting star, hairkini and all. They'll learn a lot about me and I'll learn if Hiro actually reads these reports. 

Sweet baby Jesus.

The Commish

S.  

The Commish Report: Week 10

Katie and I,  standing inches apart from one another this morning.

I look into her eyes and ask her "Is this what you always imagined being engaged would be like?"

Katie, shaving in the details of a bikini top out of what's left of my hairy chest, using a small pink razor I had stolen from her side of the bathroom sink.

"No," she says. "Definitely not what I imagined."

😆😆😆😆😆

Photo shoot is later today.
Pics when I'm happy with them.
Shane's bet will be paid in full.
This Lannister always pays his debts.
Unlike Casey....

Short report this morning, as shaving took much longer than I thought it would! (3-3 last week, a few close shaves)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! #1 seed vs. #2 seed: Of course Zeke would be suspended the week Steve faces off against Mike. Granted, Mike can only play the team's on his schedule, but god dammit this is getting out of hand. His team is as overranked as Notre Dame is but Steve's not the Hurricane that's going to unveil his shortcomings. Not without Zeke. Mike continues an improbable run of good Irish luck, by 2 Fourtnette touchdowns.

BRFs are easily beat vs. Super Mariota Kart: At the opposite end of the spectrum we have the 12th seed vs. the 11th seed in the "someone's gotta win" bowl. Carla put Marcus back in the driver seat which is more than enough for me to believe she gets the win but stays the 11th seed. Carla by a few.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs NaughtyNurse: Le'veon's projections are ridiculous, but it is against poor Indy who won't be seeing Andrew Luck anytime soon. You see he's now in Europe for non-FDA approved treatments?! We may never see Andrew Luck again, which will sadden me because "Captain Andrew Luck" is one of my favorite twitter accounts to follow. But I digress. Dogs has a sneaky underrated team with Karmaro, Gronk and even Josh McCown is a decent play this week against a stupid stupid stupid Tampa Bay team. I'll take the DOGS upset in a close one.

Evil Shenanigans vs. The Mexican: Ugh, now with my familiar distinction of "scores the most points and has a losing record" I'm left with 4 weeks to make a push for the playoffs. Casey, meanwhile, is watching his chances of a championship diminish faster than he did watching Yu Darvish pitch for 2 innings.  Too soon? Shenanigans wins by 5 runs.

90's Shaner vs. Hard Gronk Life: Hiro's already mad at Shane because of all the hair that's suddenly covering the bathroom SHE JUST CLEANED YESTERDAY!!! Also those 2 TDs by Graham Cracker isn't helping. Hiro's got a lot of firepower left with Brady, Cooks and Brown. But while they've been inconsistently brilliant, Gordon and Gurley have been consistently awesome. Plus did I mention 2 TDs from Graham already!? Shane gets the win.

Not Making the Playoffs vs. Glitter Farts: Holy Bye week! Kim's streak of 6 wins is in danger because she's forced to leave all her big guns on the bench. It is Eric she's playing this week, so I give her more than 40% chance of victory here. E's got a few good matchups. I can't imagine Atlanta only running Freeman 9 times against that patchwork Dallas run defense and Cam will get his against the poor Dolphins. However, this is Eric we're talking about. Kimber keeps rolling, by 6pts.

Two, three, four, tell the people what he wore!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 9

I'm easy like Sunday Morning today. Cup of KC coffee, commish report on the lapper, Hiro still asleep for at least 2 more hours, cats are hiding because they know Sundays we stuff them into NFL apparel. It's not animal abuse if its entertaining.

The Good: Favorite NFL story this week is that Goodell and Jerry Jones have to turn over their phone records and emails because of Colin Kapernick. It's not like those guys have skeletons in their closet that might be pulled out into public spotlight right? I'm sure Tom Brady is laughing in his Uggs.

The Bad: Deshaun Watson Nooooooooo!!!!! This fantasy football season hates me. But what else is new? Don't tell Hiro but if I had to choose between Deshaun tearing an ACL and one of the cats it would be REALLY tough to choose..... which cat gets a torn ACL.

The Ugly: $%#@ you Papa Johns. You know you screwed up your pizza brand when DiGiorno is landing shots against you. Now the brand is being embraced by Alt-right groups while demonized by mostly everyone else. While I typically don't side with the social justice warriors, Papa John is known as an asshole and guess who owns over 100 Papa John’s Restaurants and is the biggest single stake holder of Papa Johns besides the owner? You guessed it, Jerry Jones. $%#@ em both!

Onto the Matchups!!! (4-2 last week, would have been better but I let myself down)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! NotMakingThePlayoffs vs. Totally Making the Playoffs: Not that I'm rooting against Mike, but the cops are winning too much this season. It helps when the team you face lays an egg against you every week. Seriously! Mike's opponents are averaging a pedestrian 83.75 points against him this season. For comparison, the league average is around 94pts per week while I see an average of 102.75 points each week because you all hate me. After his random ass jets players put up double digit points on thursday I'm hoping some mathmatical averages take place and Mike faces someone who actually threatens his week. C'mon guys, lets rise up against these cops! Attica! Attica! E wins! Attica!

BRFs vs. Hard Gronk Life: Uh oh! Normally I'd accuse someone who started not one, but TWO jets running backs as purposely trying to lose the match. But some god damn how that turned into a smart move that could only happen to Nevin. Meanwhile Hiro's in a bad spot with BYE weeks and injuries. This feels weird but....Nevin.. wins? Did I spell that right? Feels strange to write. Nevin wins.

Victorious Secrets vs Super Alex Smith Kart: Despite T-mobile racking up 30ish points agains the Jets D, I still think this matchup will be close. I expect Alex Smith to throw a lot against the cowboys and C Thompson to further expose what actually is a weak seattle defense. I don't see Blount doing much against the Denver D that destroy the Chiefs run game (and my shot at a huge upset) last week. Kimmie's a similar situation to Mike where teams just don't do much against her. Carla puts up a fight but the law prevails in this one. Glitter farts by 10pts.

The Elders vs The Mexican: Steve's team keeps going as long as our US justice system keeps allowing for appeals. What a difference a Zeke makes too. After putting up an astonishing 140 some points against me last week, if history has taught me anything, his team will put up a gentlemans 70 points against Casey this week. Is Casey's team good? Hardly, but enough to put up the 71 points necessary to beat Steve. Casey wins, by 9pts.

DOGS vs Bills: If this were a matchup based on Karma I'd say my mom wins by dozens. But instead this is a matchup where Kamara is your best running back so Shane gets the win here. Although 103pt projection with Shepard and Lacy in the lineup?! Go home Yahoo you're drunk. Shane wins, but doesn't cover his ridiculously high projection.

Evil Shenanigans vs Helloooooooooo Nurse!: Love me an Animaniacs reference. Greatest kids show ever. But I digress. After not getting anything out of my kicker or my TE, this matchup is a lot closer than I'd like it to be. Also an ugly BYE week situation for me. Luckily I won't have to deal with LeVeon so that's good. I expect Funchess and Brees to get theirs. Dolphins head coach announced this week they have "the worst offense in the league" and I'm starting two Dolphins players this week. Am I unreasonably optimistic this week? You be the judge. Shenanigans wins by 2 Cutler TDS to Parker!!!!

They had a great Halloween.

Go see Thor Ragnorok! Is it the most entertaining Marvel movie since Guardians of the Galaxy? Yes. Does it have a joke about Hulk's penis? Also yes. Is Jeff Goldblum the best part of the movie? OF COURSE HE IS! Fantastic stuff!

Stat of the week:
Avg points of a Legacy Team - 747.88
Avg points of a  Crossfitters Team - 750.00
Basically even.
One division just has an exceptionally terrible team they use to pad their win/loss record with.

What are you, Thor, god of hammers?

The Commish
S.