The Commish Report: Week 3

If you think your job is rough just think about being a Replacement Official in the NFL. I don't blame these guys, they're trying but that situation is escalating quickly. The commish needs to get this figured out sooner rather than later. This is an issue of player safety because these players are trying to get away with everything they can. It's like school, did we ever actually learn anything from Substitute Teachers? Ever? No, we dicked around, acted out, pushed the limits and broke rules. That's what these players are doing too and they are getting away with it. We need Ed Hochuli's authoritative muscles out there telling these kids to shut the hell up and do their math before someone gets really hurt.

I'll be in New York City next week for a 3 week stint of training. While you're enjoying your football on Sunday I'll be on flights, slowly moving across the nation. I'll do my best to stay on top of commish reports, they might be short and sweet though.

Housekeeping done, ON TO THE MATCHUPS!!!! (3-2 Last Week, at Par)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! DOGS RUNNING vs DEAL HAVING: This is the rematch of last year's finals (thank you Mom for reminding me). DOGS won the Yahoo Draft award which must actually mean something because she's 2-0 and looking dangerous. The former champ is 1-1, looking to establish an identity. I've bet against my mom twice and those didn't work out well for me, however, it's JOE'S BIRTHDAY!!!! So I'll take the Birthday Boy to have his cake and eat it too. Joe by 5pts.

Farve's On It vs. Eeeeeeee: Two dangerous 1-1 teams with the exact same points projection. One team has a Jet on it. You know where this is going. I'll take Farve for the Win, by 15pts.

Da Harbaughs vs. McJetLovin: Thursday Night Football is ruining my life. Think about the Giants, in the first 3 weeks of the season they've played on a Wednesday, a Sunday and now a Thursday. I don't have the NFL network and this is pointless. Ugh. That said I see how bad Cam Newton is playing agains this Giants D and I have to believe Ana will capitalize... right? JetLovinWin by 10pts.

Guilty vs. French Fry: An 2-0 team vs an 0-2 team. Sometimes the math is just that easy. Brad by 2 life sentences.

Evil Shenanigans vs. Carla: Know the name Andre Brown. Him, CJ Spiller and RG3 might turn out to be the 3 big pickups of the season.....and I've collected them all like Pokemon. I choose me, by 18pts.

If you, like me and apparently many others, think Ryan Lochte wins a gold medal in Douchebaggery click here. (A Must Watch!)

Ducks Win, Miami Wins, Jets Lose, USC loses, Patriots Lose, Jets Lose, Dallas Loses, Jets Lose.....Is it my Birthday?!?!

Happy Birthday Joe!!! Where the party at?

I think all Cowboys Fans are the same. (Steve must watch every second of this)

Greg Schiano should not be a head coach in the NFL. A) for blowing that lead B) for the stunt he pulled during NY's Formation Victory. Just Terrible.

That Niner D looks N-A-S-T-Y.

Favorite Tweet of the week...

Happy Gilmore ‏@_Happy_Gilmore

"There were twelve men on the field. Denver receives a 5 minute major. Count remains at 2 balls and 2 strikes."- Replacement Ref

Seriously Utah fans?! I guess that's one way to get on Sportscenter.

You're gonna die clown.

The Commish.
S.

The Commish Report: Week 2

I apologize for the delayed and short report. Nothing better represents my week so far than this graphic. I had no idea I actually had to actually know stuff to sell drugs. What a disappointment. Four 14 hour study days in a row has turned me into Bruce Wayne in "Rises" except instead of Wayne Manor I have a 2 bed / 2 bath and a Starbucks to wonder around in. Ugh. I'm glad I have this report to distract myself.

It's going to be a long season for my beloved Dolphins (i.e. "The Royal Tannehills). Here's Scott's list of ways to make the Dolphins a better team.

- Snap the ball directly to Reggie Bush.

"So Hot"

- Mrs. Tannehill Cam: Cut to Mrs. Tannehill everytime her husband throws a pick, gets sacked, fumbles, completes a pass, looks terrified, comes into the game, makes a bad decision, etc. This will make him a watchable QB at least.

- Put Reggie Bush in on Defense.

- Play the Browns

- Kidnap Brandon Marshal, put a jersey on him and convince him that being traded to Chicago is a made up story his other personality wants him to believe.

- Put Reggie Bush in on Special Teams. Have him return all kicks.

- Play Jacksonville

- Join the ACC.

- Make Reggie Bush the head coach.

On to This Week's Matchups!!!! (3-2 Last Week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! FarveFingerDeathPunch vs. Easily Convictable: Two solid competitors separated by fractions of a point in projects makes this tough to call. Since Steve's team is mostly the Dallas Cowboys (even more than usual this year) they're on the road in Seattle where Romo is notoriously awful. I'm betting on a Cowboy's Collapse and a Brad Win, by 14pts.

French Fries vs. What's Your Deal: Disappointing week one losses for both these competitors makes this one intriguing in a "Somebody's got to win" kinda way. With MJD ending his pointless holdout, Frenchie has a decent RB tandem with Action Jackson, Reggie Kardashian and MJD. Joe has a Brown and the Browns are just Sub-par. French wins by 11 Euros.

Ihave#TebowSomething vs. TeamJetLovinJunior: We need to change both of these team names. I still don't understand what Carla is getting at but I've already reached my Tebow threshold for the season (until he starts in week 7). Ana's team name has both the words Jet and Lovin. Referencing the J-E-T-S won't win over this Commish and I hope both team's get riddled with injury. Ana by a point, because I have to.

Evil Shenanigans vs CAPS LOCK: Who's Ready for Some Football?!?! Hint: Not the Chiefs who (as of press time) have already surrendered 85 yards and 2 TDs to my favorite late round pick CJ Spiller. Me by Bunches.

Da Harbaughs vs JETS Fan: Clearly I hate the Jets. Jeremy by 40pts.

Cheers to Football.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 1

So Excited..... Jitters...... It's back......FOOTBALL!!!!!!

That time of year when my life productivity drops a decent 20% and you can't find me on Sunday. Sportscenter is on always and I get more fantasy news alerts than text messages throughout the day. My weekend wardrobe consists of Duck gear on Saturdays, Pro gear on Sunday. Nothing like hangover sundays on the couch / bathroom floor being brought back to life by the soothing voices of Shannon Sharpe, Dan Marino, Boomer, Coach, and Gumble? I can't recall. But damn do they put on a good pre-game show.

WELCOME BACK TO FANTASY FOOTBALL! A great addiction.

For the most part everybody knows everybody except for newcomer French Fry. French Fry is actually Chantal Herry, a FORMER co-worker of mine. She is French. An unfortunate Jacksonville Jaguars fan. She hates to lose which is unfortunate for her because this league is a competitive blood bath of football die-hards with not much else to do but memorize football stats. I'm sure she'll surrender by week 5.

French Fry (best pic I had)

Such an awesome Football season ahead of us. First, Ducks are going to the BCS Title Game. True Story. Did you see our new QB? PAC-12 is ours and I'm sure that Utah won't stand in our way. Or that So-Cal overrated team that pays their players. Cheaters. Ugly.

Second, buckle up for this season. Roger Goodell hired the sales staff at Foot Locker to make calls. Most of the Lions will spend their bye week doing community service. Victor Cruz eats butterfingers for breakfast. MJD holds out.....for nothing. Manning is a Bronco, Tebow is a Jet, Colts sucked hard for Luck and RG3 is the latest cornerpiece of an overhyped Redskins team. Crazy days ahead my friends.

Nothing has made me more excited about football season than the recent string of Madden Commericials staring my Celebrity Crush, Paul Rudd, and convicted killer Ray Lewis (ok maybe not convicted but pretty sure he killed that guy).

See their rivalry unfold here, here and here. Awesome!

I've waited months to say write this......ONTO THIS WEEK'S MATCHUPS!!!!

 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Evil Shenanigans vs. What's Your Deal!?: Returning Champion Joe begins his repeat campaign against another former Champion.... ME! Joe's Draft didn't go according to plans when he drafted a Brown. Not a winning strategy. That's ok, I accidentally drafted Ryan Mathews who has the durability of a Snowflake. In this battle of 1st round goofs I have to give me the advantage. The Season gets Evil early, by 10 points.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs TeamJetLovinJunior: Fact: My mom has never attended the live draft. Ever. She won the regular season her first year but since then has struggled to break into the middle of the pack. This year again no attendance to the live draft but Yahoo Sports awarded her "Best Draft" honors. Seriously?! Sorry mom but I have to believe those of us researching players well into the late rounds had some clue of what we were doing (Except E). JetLovin proves Yahoo rankings are BS and wins by 8pts.

Da Harbaughs vs. Probable Cause: I knew Brad was a die-hard but Megatron with the SECOND pick of the draft?! That should be illegal. I love it when these two roommates mix it up in Fantasy Football because you know it won't be a happy household for days and days. At least a fortnight. I love me some Cam Newton this season so I'm going with Da Niner fan over the Lion fan. Jeremy by 19pts.

Only Jets Fan Left vs. IhavesomethingsomethingTebowPoundSign: Normally this is a no-brainer, pick against E. But I have to admit he finally drafted a worthwhile roster of players (Minus that Jet). My Sister on the other hand has a terrible team name referencing Tebow who is soooooo 2011. I hate myself for doing this but E by 4pts. (side note: Shonne Green = maybe 70 yards, no score. Because the Jets score on the field about as much as Tebow does off of it)

Dallas Cowboys vs. Frenchie: Steve picked up all the Cowboys this season to no one's surprise. But to everyone's surprise they actually won agains the Giants last night, something they couldn't do last season. Even Jerry Jones had to clean his glasses to believe what he was seeing. And by clean his glasses of course I mean have his retarded, over-paid son-in-law clean them for him. You root for this guy Steve, you want to see him succeed and that's just sad. Cowboys, off last night's big win, beats the rookie by 16pts.

After watching this past season of Hard Knocks I think it's safe to say the Miami Dolphins have been mathematically eliminated from Playoff contention.

How about my friends, get with your friends, and we can be friends. Ya dig?

Convicted and I are rolling out to Portland for weekend #1, coming to a Buffalo Wild Wings near you!!! I'm going to give the Portland PD another chance to catch me. Here's to me going 2-0 against them!

Inconceivable!

The Commish
S.