The Commish Report: Playoff Edition

Just finished this, I give it 5 Jack Daniels

And now, the end is near
And so I face the glitter curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll set my lineup, of which I'm certain

I've kept my roster full
Even if traveling along a highway
But more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention (Olson, Evans and Parker)
I did what I had to do
And played Kareem Hunt without exemption

I planned each waiver find
Each careful start along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When Andy Reid left my RB screwed
But through it all, when there were doubts
I came back, on Monday night routes

I led in Points Against but I stood tall
And through it all, I did it my way
I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill my share of losing (Seven!)

And now, as playoff jitters subside
I find my hairkini so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say - not in a shy way

Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way
For what is a man, what has he got
If not athleticism, then he has fantasy

To pick players he truly feels
And not the ones of online rankings
The losing record shows, I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes, it was my way.

I always get emotional this time of year. Normally its because I didn't make the post season. So I'm angry. But hey! 6th place and full of optimism so feeling good.

Anyone can make predictions, but few go back and see if they were right. I had a few hot takes well before the season began so lets revisit those to see if i was right or wildly incorrect.

Andrew Luck won't see the field until October, Colts win less than 5 games this season. 

Luck is somewhere in Europe getting stem cells injected into his throwing shoulder while the Colts have 3 wins. Yup.

Jay Cutler will play surprisingly well. Fins return to the Playoffs. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Cutler's gonna Cutler and the Fins have 5 wins.

Patriots will NOT repeat. I'll take the field.

This looked like a genius statement in early October but now the Patriots have won their last 8 and still have games agains the Fins, the Bills and the Jets. Homefield advantage makes them the AFC favorite. Still. I'll take the field.

Dallas regresses, goes 8-8.

Cowboys are 6-6 and won't be going Dak to the playoffs. (Cowboys jokes write themselves)

Cam Newton returns to form. 

Panthers are 8-4 and Newton is a top 5 Fantasy QB. Meanwhile, Blake Bortles remains on waivers.

Kanas City Chiefs are going to the Superbowl! You heard me.

Ok Ok Ok. Still possible. Yea? Someone has to win the AFC West and the only thing we know is that it won't be the Denver Broncos.

This since this is the last report of the season. As custom, I will simply ranked in order who I want to see take home that glorious title belt. Hint, it's me.

PERSON I LEAST WANT TO SEE WIN IT! 90's Buffalo Bills: No surprise here. Shane still reeks of collusion and under-handedness. Every week he bitches to me about the waiver wire and every week I remind him that he's the reason it exists. I think what bothers me most about his team this season is it is basically the team i had LAST season. Gordon & Gurley were my one/two punch at running back last season and did NOTHING. Yet that same formula makes Shaner the #1 seed. Ain't that a kick in the head.

Victorious Secrets: Back to back to BACK titles? That's unpossible! Kim's been a gracious champion but the last thing this league needs is a dynasty (that isn't me). I'm her first obstacle from the three-peat and as my spirit God Ric Flair says... "You want to be the man? You got to beat the man woman! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mike's Team Photo

TDs and Beer: Mike's got a rock hard ass but a Charmim soft team. Wanting to see him win the title is like rooting for Duke. He's lived an easy life of privilege, trust funds and questionable tripping incidents so I get real excited when Boston College or Staci Nevin defeats him.

The Elders: I've seen waaaaaay too many pictures of Jerry Jones this season thanks to super-fan Steve and his crooked weekly picks scheme. Just like Dallas though I suspect inflated expectations followed by an underwhelming performance. Just like Dallas last season!

NaughtyNurse: The two headed Hansen monster returns to the post season, looking to reclaim the belt Kimmie stole from her almost 3 years ago. I couldn't imagine co-running a team with Katie. She'd want to pick Patriots players past their prime (yay alliterations!) and I'd want to win. A title in the Hansen home is my definition of a #relationshipgoal

PERSON I WANT TO SEE IT WIN IT ALL! Me of course! It's been two sad years since I've made the playoffs and even at the 6th seed with a losing record anything is possible. I'd have to go through Glitter Farts and the Romosexual to get to the big dance but if Kareem Hunt can play like week 1 then I can do anything yes I can!

I hope you all had as much fun as I did this season. Win or lose it's fun to share the season with some friends and family. Lets do it again in '18.

I commish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 13

I've literally run out of things to say about the NFL so lets talk College Football!

After yesterdays upsets you can expect the following playoffs from the selection committee.

1 - Clemson
2 - Oklahoma
3 - 'Bama
4 - Norte Dame some god damn how.

No offense to "Jimbo's Heating and Air Conditioning" in Oklahoma City, but at 70 MILLION dollars its safe to say Jimbo Fisher is the richest Jimbo that ever Jimbo.

Hurts my heart to see Chip Kelly back in the Pac-12 and not with the Ducks. Meanwhile, Taggart needed MORE money to stay faithful to Oregon after going 7-5? Outlook not so bright.

Mike Reilly deserved better than what Nebraska gave him.

Never give money to someone named Jimbo. 

Speaking of money, quick reminder of our fabulous cash prizes this season.

#1 Seed - $25
3rd Place - $25
2nd Place - $50
1st Place - $200!!! (And the Belt, which Kimmie needs to wash the glitter from before passing on)

On to this week's matchups!!!! (4-2 last week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! The Elders vs. Hard Gronk Life: 5 of the 6 Golden Tickets to Wonka's factory have been found and one remains. It could belong to Hiro but she's need to defeat the 2nd best team in the league to do so. Steve's sitting pretty on a 6 game win streak, 2nd overall seed, 1st round BYE. He's the 2005 Colts, doesn't even need to play his starters in the final week of the season. Those Colts also lost their first playoff game. Steve, I need you to beat Katie. I need to make the playoffs. Give this week everything you got! I'll even reverse my own jinx for you. Hiro gets the upset by 5pts. *winks*

Evil Shenanigans vs. Mariota Kart: This should be an easy one but it wouldn't be the first time my sister has knocked my flailing team out of the playoffs. Vernon Davis's disappearing act continued last Thursday with 2 targets for 15 yards. And I don't think anyone, even Alfred Morris, expected 27 carries. Really my team lives and dies by Kareem Hunt, which is a scary situation to be in. Will he return to form and score for the first time since before Halloween??!! Me and the rest of the KC are desperate for it. #FreeKareem Shenanigans prevails and gets to the Playoffs for the 1st time in 3 years.

90's Buffalo Bills vs. Victorious Secrets: It's December and it's Kim against Shane. We've seen this story before and it usually ends with Shane crying into his protein shake. A win for Kim would potentially knock Shane out of the #1 seed, giving it to Mike instead. Crowder has already disappointed and Gordon faces a sneaky good Cleveland run defense. Hmmmm... This one has all the makings of a yuuuuge upset. I'll take it! Glitterfarts by 9pts.

BRFs Beaten Frequently vs. Soft TDs: While I would love to see it, it won't happen. Mike by 18pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs. Not Making The Playoffs: I think we all comprehend the significance of this matchup. Both teams actually got stronger as the season progressed. Both teams have gone over 100pts in 3 of the past 5 weeks. This one could very well be the most competitive of the matchups this week, just with absolutely nothing at stake. I'll give this one to DOGS on the back of another ridiculous performance by Kamara. Dogs by 8

Shock n Loss vs. Naughty Nurse: The one week Dez caught it and Casey leaves him on the bench. There's a reason Anne is in the Playoffs and the Mexican is back to landscaping for rich people early this year. Naughty by 10pts.

Hiro and I got everything booked for our European Elopement Experience this Spring. I'll be sure to say "I Do" as well as call it "Soccer" when prompted.

Wow, only 1 more report to write that Casey will never read. How time flies when you're watching replays of obviously touchdowns over and over and over...

The Commish.
S.