The Commish Report: Week 12

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I just want each member of this league to know how much I appreciate your participation in this week in and week out. Means a lot to me and while I write these commish reports for my own amusement, I thank you all for reading along to humor me. Much appreciated.

There was a lot to appreciate last week in football. Did you see Blounts touchdown run? The Incredible Hulk wrecked less carnage. If I was a sports announcer I would never get tired of saying "And Blount violently punches his way into the end zone!" I'm very slowly making my way onto the Niners Bandwagon. I actually enjoy watching that group find some success. Great week for waiver wire. C.J. Spiller, Kevin Smith and your name is Toby Gerhardt should come in handy these next few weeks. I noticed nobody picked up Matt Leinart. I know I would snatch him up if this was a Fantasy Hot Tub Beer Bong League....he'd go first round for sure. However this is the National Football League and I'm pretty excited to see how the notorious slacker/womanizer fairs. Ever watch Blue Mountain State? He's that guy....just in real life. I'll bet he made a call to Orton this week with his best sales pitch.

I Can't Wait!!!

Put down the Bong and check out this week's Matchups!!! (4-1 Last week, I let myself down)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Romosexual Retards vs. What's Your Deal?: What am I looking forward to the most tomorrow? Is it the Turkey? Is it the Stuffing? Is it Apple Pie? No. It's Miami vs. Dallas. Miami is red hot right now. They haven't allowed a touchdown in three games. Matt Moore's QB rating is next to Aaron Rodgers in that span and now the hungry fins go to Jerry-world to take on the unpredictable Cowboys. Care to place a little wager? Dolphins win after the Dallas offense struggles. Suck to have a bunch of Dallas players on your fantasy team this week. By the way....Deal wins by 10pts.

Shenanigans Loves You vs. Starfish Loves You: Nothing like a sibling matchup on Thanksgiving to put me in the holiday spirit. Biiiig hit losing fast freddie jackson to IR. Early Christmas gift for me I suppose. Ski season opened in Salt Lake this week so I'm sure that means Carla isn't so interested in her roster. Maybe it'll go unnoticed and I'll get an unnecessary leg up in this holiday competition. Shenanigans gets more love on Thanksgiving, wins by 15 points.

TeamJetLovinJunior - Bye Week, winner.

Packers vs Lions: As if Brad didn't already have enough vested interest in the Lions vs Packers game his fantasy roster (mostly Lions) goes up against my mom's fantasy roster (mostly Packers). Who yells at the TV more tomorrow morning? I'm actually going with the Lions in tomorrow's game. They have more to prove and I think will take the Packers to the wire. I believe in the Lions and therefore believe in Brad. Chaos wins by 19pts

Suck for Luck vs. Jet's Fan: Woe is E. Michael Vick isn't coming through like he had hoped. Now he's bringing Hasselbeck. Sort of in the way Justin Timberlake brought Sexy Back.....just with less successful results. Suck For Luck should rename his team Ray Rice and the Ricettes. Ok, because it's the holidays and because I believe in holiday miracles I'm going out on a limb and making an upset call. E wins, not by much.

Enjoy the holiday my friends! Here's my gift to you....Lions, Dolphins, Niners. Go make some money on those solid gold locks!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 11

Tebow beating New York isn't a sign that the rest of the NFL needs to take Denver's completely one dimensional offense seriously. No, they can be defeated (See: Lions, Detroit). It's a sign that even God hates the freakin' Jets. It's also a sign that the once mighty Jets Defense is slipping. And the defense used to some-what disguise how the Sanchize still hasn't figured out the Quarterback position after three years. But now the writing is on the wall and the Jets offense is incapable of throwing the ball or running it. Fortunately they're really good at punting the ball.... from all the practice. Right now I think us Dolphin fans have more hope for our future than the Jet fans. I believe E's Fantasy squad has a better chance of making the playoffs this year than Gang Green.

Last week in our league the rich got richer and the poor got poorer with wins by the top 5 over everyone in the bottom 5. I really thought Starfish had it in her to beat Deal but he managed to squeak out the victory, leaving Starfish desperate for love. I gotta admit I feel bad for Ana, her squad has had a tough road. It's like she's in the AFC North and Joe lives in the NFC West. It explains why him....and his beloved Niners....look better than they are. Come on, Alex Smith isn't a winner.

On to this week's Matchups! (4-1 last week....14-1 this month. My awesomeness knows no bounds)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK! Suck for Luck vs. Let's Make a Deal: The last time these two tango'd it was a complete shootout with a half point victory for Deal. Matchup of the season thus far. This round shouldn't be any different....oh wait one of you has Mark Sanchez. Can Ray Rice and Welker keep Jeremy in this fight? Or will the lethal one-two of Brady and Peterson steamroll their B-squad opponents to a series sweep? I'm saying Deal pulls off the win....by half a point. Deal by 1/2

Ben There vs. Romosexual: Heather has 5 players projected to produce 0 points. I'm still tempted to pick against Steve. Romosexual wins a close one.

Evil Shenanigans vs. Chaos N Suh: Who's the hottest team in Fantasy Football? Probably Steve's 6 game win streak.....but then it gets Evil. The last time I lost it was 86 degrees and sunny outside. Brad's no slouch though and I'm sure his Lions are going to roll the Panthers. They have a way of dismantling mobile rookie quarterbacks which doesn't bode well for me. Picking me in a close one, Shenanigans by 8pts.

TeamJetLovin vs. DOGS: I think this matchup is going to be a good one. My mom has seen so much success with Rodgers and Jennings she figures any Packer will produce (Randal Cobb?!). Ana's got a decent squad with some good matchups. Yahoo doesn't believe in her....but I do. My Mom has two "iffy" Running Backs facing some nasty defenses and it won't be pretty. JetLovin Win by 10pts.

Starfish Loves You vs. Fan of the Sanchize: E is in trouble.... Vick is hurt (shock!) His best running backs are either hurt or on bye. His four best options are all wideouts and he can only play three. I'm clearly picking him to lose this week. But for Kicks I'll also bet Heather puts up more points this week. Any takers? Starfish puts a beating on E....40 points.

Pretty stoked about Oklahoma State losing and the Ducks are in position to romp USC and move into that #2 spot where they belong. I'm sorry Bama fans but no one wants to see that snooze fest again. The Ducks deserve a 2nd shot at Les Miles and they aren't the same Ducks from week one. It will be awesome and have a much better National appeal.

Go Ducks!

S.

The Commish Report: Week 10

I am flying to Chicago on Monday to interview for a new management position with a sister company. I've already made a few big decisions regarding the potential move. I will be a Cubs fan, not a White Sox fan. I really don't care much about baseball in the first place so rooting for a loser won't phase me. I will be a Bulls fan just for Steve. I don't even know/care if there's a soccer team (I'm sorry, Soccer "Club" you stuck up bastards) and I'm sure there's a Hockey team I'll check out. But here's my problem. I really don't like the Chicago Bears, mostly due to Jay Cutler. Is it possible to root for the team but still cheer every time Cutler throws a bad pass, gets sacked, is dumped by a reality TV star or looks like an ass with his helmet half-off? I think I'd be sending mixed signals to my new friends. Only good thing about being a Bears fan is being able to say "Da Bears" 20 times a Sunday.

Dolphins won a game....dammit. And they might make it a streak against the Skins this week. I'm slowly becoming a Houston Texan fan. I hate the Chargers more each week. And the Broncos. And pretty much the entire AFC West. I think Mike Shanananahan is losing it in Washington but it's really the same formula he had in Denver. Rex Ryan looks like Jabba the Hut in a sweater vest. I don't believe in Reggie Bush.

On to this week's Matchups! (5-0 again last week! A 10 game pick streak, why bothering playing the game after you've read this?)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK! Romosexual vs. JetLovin: There's a three way tie for 1st place in the fantasy league. I miss the 1-3 Steve, this new 6-3 Steve is a monster. Ana used to be up with the rest of us Gods but has fallen. It's the perfect story for the end of Steve's win streak. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn and scorn she is. JetLovin by 8 points.

Evil Shenanigans vs. DOGS: My mom and I make picks each week against each other. Straight win and loss each week for each game. We've been doing this for years. Right now I hold the winning tally. That has nothing to do this week for our Fantasy Matchup....I just wanted everyone to know. I'm winning. Evil by 10 points.

Chaos N Suh vs. eeeeeeeeeeee!: I'm really into horse race betting. It's a lot of fun. When I first started out betting it was always fun to place money on a long shot. 20-1, 50-1, 100-1. The idea of placing 5 dollars and winning 50 was always very tempting. I don't place those bets anymore because they are longshots for a reason. Eric is a 20 point underdog in this matchup against Brad. Chaos by 20 points.

Starfish vs. Deal: Thursday night football sucks, I'm not a fan. I am not ready for some football in mid-week. It's un-american and just makes my Sunday a little less interesting. After underwhelming performances by V-Jax and the kicker I can see where this matchup is heading already. Deal by 12pts.

Ben There vs. Suck For Luck: Playing Heather's team is like being on a Bye week that gives you a W. Jeremy doesn't have to watch his fantasy team this week but can instead catch up on Glee. Luck by 43 points.


The PAC-12 Game of the season is tonight with the Stanford Nerds vs the Oregon Ducks. I'll be watching the game from a small sports pub in Ashland with all my rowdy friends. Outcome of the game? Ducks 52 Cardinals 7. BCS will have us still ranked behind Roll Tide and the Oklahomosexuals because computer rankings are retarded. Go Ducks!

I'm Bill Swerski, and with me, as always, are the Super Fans.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 9

MNF made me realize how much I want to punch Philip Rivers in the face. Is it his smug grin anytime he's asked a question during an interview? No. Is it the fact he has way too many kids? No, and six is the answer you're looking for. Is it the way his throwing mechanics remind me of the High Fives you  see during the Special Olympics? A little bit. But really I just don't like that guy. However, if I had my choice I'd punch Jay Cutler first, Rivers 2nd and then Mark Sanchez.....for E.

2011 Cutler Christmas Card (Not pictured, Kristin C.)

The Dolphins once again demonstrate how they can beat another team and then throw it all away for Andrew Luck. I'm proud of their commitment to their fans....I was getting worried. But the Colts again out do the Phins...they really don't look capable of beating anyone whereas my Phins are clearly choosing not to beat other teams. This race is heating up, almost on fire!!!

In our league the good teams are starting to put their distance on the bad teams with Brad (points leader) stuck in the middle. Like the Middle Child in Full House, probably the best actress of the bunch but who cares about those in the middle? Steve's hot streak continues and I'm climbing the charts like the Beatles. Only five weeks left in our regular season....who's it going to be? (Hint: Not Eric)

On to this week's Matchups! (A perfect 5-0 last week...write that down)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK! Romosexual Regrets vs. Suck for Luck: This is our version of Alabama vs. LSU with #1 Steve taking on #2 Jeremy. Steve's riding high on a 4 game win streak. Jeremy, who judging by the points against tally, is the Boise St of our league looking good but never really facing any competition. Jeremy has to pick between Mark Sanchez or Philip Rivers as his starting QB this week and that's reason enough for me to pick Steve to win 5 straight. Romosexual stays straight.....on his path to the playoffs. Wins by 14pts.

Chaos N Suh vs What's your Deal?: Another big Matchup against winning teams this week. However the Lions are on bye week and I'm assuming so is Brad. Deal by 20 points.

JetLovinJunior vs. Evil Shenanigans: Ana has a fairly decent squad here. Probably better than her record represents. She continues to wear the football pants in her family. Dallas Clark has to be on of the biggest busts of the season though. Need to trade him to Eric. My squad is on a tear though. I beat E last week, I'll beat Ana this week and if Damian had a team I'd probably beat that team too. Evil Shenanigans is the scourge of the Pitt family.....Arrrr! Shenanigans by 10pts.

DOGS vs. E: The Packers were on Bye and my mom forgot Beanie Wells is having the year i thought he would have last year (when i drafted him in the 4th round) so last week wasn't so good for her. However, she gets her Packers back and Beanie gets the Rammies run defense which doesn't play so Wells. See what I did there? DOGS by 8pts.

Starfish vs. Ben There:: 
Lung fish, black fish, alligator, Ice fish
Armour head, hammer head, anaconda, flat head
Manta ray, stingray, fang-tooth moray
Goblin shark, grass carp, round-river-bat ray

Noodle fish, hag fish, man o' war, lady fish
Black eel, baby seal, sprat, koi, electric eel
Lamprey, pejerey, yellow-edged moray
Salmon shark, sleeper shark, featherback and eagle ray 

Starfish by 20pts.

Don't burn the day my friends!

Go Ducks!

S.