The Commish Report: Week 3

Ugh. Not going to lie I'm feeling a little homesick this week. The whole family is in Oregon while I remain in KC. Surround by kittens and world-class BBQ. I always get homesick when cool stuff is happening in Oregon. Also doesn't help that my squad is 0-2 and my beloved fins lost the Los Angeles Jaguars at the last minute. Ugh. Football sucks. Gonna go drown my sorrows in some brisket from Oklahoma Joes.

It could be worse I suppose, I could be Chip Kelly this week. Or the Seahawks. Or the Colts. Honestly who would you rather be right now? The 0-2 Seahawks or the 2-0 Cowboys? I'd rather be the Seahawks who, just like me, will get a great player back this week, will make it to the playoffs and will RUN THE GOD DAMN BALL INTO THE ENDZONE!!!! Yes I'm still pissed about the Superbowl.

But enough being negative, even at 0-2 this season has already been too much fun! The facebook chat has been a welcome addition, at least for one division. And Shaner has injected the league with a level of trash talking and inappropriateness we haven't seen before. Just like the gypsy said he would.

Heeeeeerrreeee's MATCHUPS!!!! (2-4 last week, I just don't have a read on this season yet)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Seadderall vs eeeeeeeeeee: The last two unbeaten teams mixing it up in week 3 I'll take it! Seriously, pretty even league with 8 out of 12 sitting at .500. But two teams have risen above the rest and there can only be one. E has been an absolute waiver wire warrior this season but I think his borrowed time has finally ran out. Meanwhile, Julio Jones, who I was one pick away from taking, is going to reset all the NFL records this year. Going 2-0 was already a huge accomplishment for E but I just don't see him hitting 3-0 in 2015. I'll take Oklahoma Joe for 15pts.

Bro vs Sis: On the flip side of that coin are the only two remaining winless losers desperately trying to turn it all around. At least I have an excuse, my number one pick hasn't played a snap. Carla went all-in on the Broncos, who must be worshipping a lucky horseshoe if you watched their 2 wins, and they haven't done it on offense. I on the other hand bet big on the Steelers who are killing it. LeVeon Bell puts my team on his back and to the playoffs starting this week. Me by 12pts.

Choke N Awe vs Defeated Secret: Both these teams looked like they had Direct TV in week one and then had Cable in week 2. Which one should I believe in? Matt Forte is bound to have 2...maybe 6 defenders on him moving forward because he represents 83% of the talent on that team. While the Mexican has uno, dos, tres! top tier running backs this week. Unless Hill gets benched for fumbles again this week I gotta think the Mexican crosses the boarder for a win this week.

Who'd want to KILL Ted? vs BYEs Can't Be Beat: They really can't can they? This is what happens when you draft a Kicker in the 5th round. FIFTH ROUND!!! And a Dallas Kicker?!?!! C'mon Man! Shaner by dozens.

Nice Pass, Great TDs vs. COLLUSION & Mason: I had no idea the HansEns were such fans of the LOLions. Which normally wouldn't be too bad for Fantasy except for when they're facing a very dominate Denver Defense.....who Mike has in his lineup! I'll take TDs and Beers for the win by 5 sacks and 2 picks by Mathew 'Puffy Face' Stafford.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Birthdays Running Wild: Fun fact! Weeden is 0-8 when starting the game. Yup! Never won a game as a starter. Fun times ahead for the Dallass faithful. Mom pulled off the HUGE upset last week when Giovanni benefited from fumbles and the Rodgers to Jones connection (circa 2007). However, it was Steve's birthday recently and the nice thing would be to pick him right? DOGS by 10pts.

Gooooooo Ducks! Big game against the Utes this week. I think we can all understand the significance of this game.

Coolness name in football? Prince Amukamara.

Big agency party for MNF this week. Set the over under on 7.5 free beers. Thinking about wearing a Packers shirt just to screw with them.

"DRAFT KINGS! DRAFT KINGS! BROS IN BACKWARDS HATS WINNING MONEY! DRAFT KINGS!" - Every god damn commercial break

Don't let anyone steal your dancing shark.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 2

Welcome back sports fans!!!!

Week one was AMAZING!!!! wasn't it?! Except for maybe Staci. That was ugly. And for this guy.

In some ways the NFL is wildly predictable. Reggie Bush is already injured, Ndamukong Suh already did something shitty and the Patriots reminded us why we all hate them. God I hate the patriots. And in other ways, tons of surprises!!! None warmed my heart more than watching Marcus Mariota light up Jameis Winston for a win......oh wait no we've seen that one before. 

Our league had some surprises as well. I guess yahoo knows a little more about draft grades than i gave them credit for. Oh well. Wins this week came in landslide fashion. That's sort of how week one goes I think. Teams will adjust, outcomes will change and Greg Olson scores a dozen touchdowns. That's how it happens. 

Game, Set, MATCHUPS. (3-3 last week, I let myself down)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Some hot Nurse on Nurse action: This matchup really brings out the fantasy in fantasy football when Anne and Staci decide to get it on. Anne's probably riding a tidal wave of confidence after standing up to the school yard bully last week. Meanwhile, Staci set a league record for fewest points scored in a week (actually she didn't, the record is still held by Micah, shock, who put up 24pts back in 2013). Staci's going to need that stethoscope to find any pulse to her playoff chances after Anne completely ravishes her and her poorly drafted group of flunkies. Hellllooooooooooo Nurse! Anne on top of Staci........by..........what was i talking about?

Only Jets Fan Evahhh vs Romosexual Tendencies: FACT! Eric has never started a season 2-0. I looked it up! Since the league began in 2007 he's only won his opener like 2 or 3 times and has never won the first two games. That's sorta amazing right? What are the possible odds of that? What the odds of it continuing on to next year?! Pretty high I'd say. Romosexual wins by a last second 7pts. 

The Mexican vs A Cop: When has this matchup ever worked out for a Mexican? Never. But this Mexican has plenty of friends. Friends who score touchdowns. And when you have friends like this its hard to lose. Even against a cop. And Mike, I hope Kelce and Landry DO NOTHING FOR YOU. The Mexican alludes the police and resists arrest, by 20pts. 

What's Your Deal? vs Starfish Loves You: #tbt. Joe did himself a huge favor when he drafted the only Niners player who will matter this season, Carlos Hyde. Are you kidding me with that spin move?! I think Joe will hard to stop this season until Marshawn Lynch breaks down in week 7. Which would be kinda ironic for the Niner fan. Carla's team, and the city of Denver, is relying a little too heavily in Manning's throwing arm for me to pick blood over water this week. OMAHA! Joe wins this one by 15pts.

The Hulk vs A Cop: Shane has hit this league like a transfer from another prison, looking around for the biggest person and trying to beat them up. He found our former champ last week and......well didn't stand a chance. This week he'll try to curry favor with the guards instead. This ones tough to call. I feel like Rex Ryan will contain Gronk but I also don't think Shady McCoy gets more than 10 carries (if any at all). I don't think either team comes close to their 100+pt projections, and it will be close! I'll give the nod to Shaner because I always root for the bad guy. Always. Shaner by Niner.  

Me vs Mom: It wouldn't be a fantasy football season unless my mom had a Packers WR to go with her Packers QB. James Jones out of NOWHERE! Meanwhile, I'm trying to find some sort of answer at RB until next week when LeVeon Bell returns to my roster and I win the league. In that order. Sorry mom, i love you, but I ain't in the business of starting 0-2. Me by 12 points. 

Now go Pop-n-Lock-It. 

The Commish

S. 

The Commish Report: Week 1

The first season of this league was back in 2007 and we had 6 managers, mostly people who are legally obligated to be my friend, like my mom. Four of those six made the playoffs, and E still didn't. I never want him to forget that.

WELCOME TO THE 2015 FANTASY FOOTBALL SEASON!!! [fireworks]

Now we have 12 managers, 2 divisions, a strong police presence (thanks Kim), too many Niner fans and a Mexican (thanks affirmative action). The league has come a long way except for Eric who still hasn't made the playoffs.

Welcome new managers Kim, Mike and Shane.

For those who are new this is the weekly Commish Report where I predict each week's outcomes and share my POV on your team, your fantasy team, the league, random thoughts, deeply seeded judgements of your character, pop culture and anything else I feel like writing. I promise no kitten pictures.

As per always never take this report seriously. Or read it at all.

LETS GET TO THE MATCHUPS!!!!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Some Hot Cop on Cop Action: Hard to pick the best matchup this week since rivalry week seemed to also be opening week this season. In New York City, a guy could pay ten bucks to watch two cops have sex in a cage but this will be way more entertaining for a lot less money. Adrian Peterson is going to go off this year and I think the Niners are basically begging fans to play defense for them at this point so I give a tip of the hat to Officer Mike after AP kicks off his final epic season with 2 scores and a hundred yards. Mike wins this 'Domestic Disturbance' by 23 AP points.

Carla vs Steve: I love it when couples quarrel in fantasy football. You guys should wager something regarding Steve the Third. How about winner gets to decide Saturday wardrobe for the little guy. Steve wins, you can begin Junior self esteem issues by dressing him as a Ute. If Carla wins, he can begin to see how good green and yellow looks on him. I like this! Hard to pick a team with Rip Van Witten on it but I want what's best for my Nephew. Carla wins by 9pts.

The Mexican vs Staci "God Damn" Nevin: Frank Gore? Darren McFadden? Anquan Boldin? DeSean Jackson? This team kicks 2009 ass! Unfortunately its 2015 and half these guys will break down before halftime. Meanwhile that sneaky Mexican put together a formidable force ready to stomp on Staci's old man fetish and shoot pistols in the air, or whatever Mexicans do. Arrrrriba!!!! by 20pts

CAPS LOCK vs E: Two things I can count on every season is Mom auto-drafting and E calling it a season earlier than most. Weird seeing only TWO packers on the DOGS squad. Down from about 5 from prior years. E got some late round magic with Tom Cheater and Arian Foster possibly paying off in big ways. IS THIS THE YEAR?! They say the 9th time is the charm and I believe, at least for one week. E by 10pts.

Shaner vs Queen Anne: I smell nothing but COLLUSION coming from both these teams. Anne's championship champaign campaign was a statistical improbability AT BEST last season. I can only imagine Shane will lie, cheat and steal his way to the promise land in his rookie season. Personally I hope this matchup ends in a tie and then a glitch in the system gives them both losses. But I'm not that lucky. I'm giving the edge to experience when Shane wonders why he didn't think to play Cam Newton against Jax instead of Russell against STL and loses by 5pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs Ninexodus: I think the Niners set a record for trimming the roster this season, unorthodoxly beginning the process back in May when many players decided working at car dealerships was better than staying on that burning wagon. Must be depressing for Joe, who gets a little too excited to see another grown man kiss his bicep. Yahoo loves his squad though, giving him an A on his draft while I got a B. You won't be the first student with better grades that I've gotten the best of in the end. I'ma win this matchup and shove it in yahoo's stupid face. Shenanigans by 8pts.

The top song in 2007 was "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce.

That cops having sex in a cage line is from Super Troopers. Great movie.

You're all irreplaceable to me.

Just kidding, we've actually never had the same roster in consecutive years.

The league could be called "Replaceable".

What a day, what a lovely day!

The Commish
S.