The Commish Report: Week 1

The first season of this league was back in 2007 and we had 6 managers, mostly people who are legally obligated to be my friend, like my mom. Four of those six made the playoffs, and E still didn't. I never want him to forget that.

WELCOME TO THE 2015 FANTASY FOOTBALL SEASON!!! [fireworks]

Now we have 12 managers, 2 divisions, a strong police presence (thanks Kim), too many Niner fans and a Mexican (thanks affirmative action). The league has come a long way except for Eric who still hasn't made the playoffs.

Welcome new managers Kim, Mike and Shane.

For those who are new this is the weekly Commish Report where I predict each week's outcomes and share my POV on your team, your fantasy team, the league, random thoughts, deeply seeded judgements of your character, pop culture and anything else I feel like writing. I promise no kitten pictures.

As per always never take this report seriously. Or read it at all.

LETS GET TO THE MATCHUPS!!!!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Some Hot Cop on Cop Action: Hard to pick the best matchup this week since rivalry week seemed to also be opening week this season. In New York City, a guy could pay ten bucks to watch two cops have sex in a cage but this will be way more entertaining for a lot less money. Adrian Peterson is going to go off this year and I think the Niners are basically begging fans to play defense for them at this point so I give a tip of the hat to Officer Mike after AP kicks off his final epic season with 2 scores and a hundred yards. Mike wins this 'Domestic Disturbance' by 23 AP points.

Carla vs Steve: I love it when couples quarrel in fantasy football. You guys should wager something regarding Steve the Third. How about winner gets to decide Saturday wardrobe for the little guy. Steve wins, you can begin Junior self esteem issues by dressing him as a Ute. If Carla wins, he can begin to see how good green and yellow looks on him. I like this! Hard to pick a team with Rip Van Witten on it but I want what's best for my Nephew. Carla wins by 9pts.

The Mexican vs Staci "God Damn" Nevin: Frank Gore? Darren McFadden? Anquan Boldin? DeSean Jackson? This team kicks 2009 ass! Unfortunately its 2015 and half these guys will break down before halftime. Meanwhile that sneaky Mexican put together a formidable force ready to stomp on Staci's old man fetish and shoot pistols in the air, or whatever Mexicans do. Arrrrriba!!!! by 20pts

CAPS LOCK vs E: Two things I can count on every season is Mom auto-drafting and E calling it a season earlier than most. Weird seeing only TWO packers on the DOGS squad. Down from about 5 from prior years. E got some late round magic with Tom Cheater and Arian Foster possibly paying off in big ways. IS THIS THE YEAR?! They say the 9th time is the charm and I believe, at least for one week. E by 10pts.

Shaner vs Queen Anne: I smell nothing but COLLUSION coming from both these teams. Anne's championship champaign campaign was a statistical improbability AT BEST last season. I can only imagine Shane will lie, cheat and steal his way to the promise land in his rookie season. Personally I hope this matchup ends in a tie and then a glitch in the system gives them both losses. But I'm not that lucky. I'm giving the edge to experience when Shane wonders why he didn't think to play Cam Newton against Jax instead of Russell against STL and loses by 5pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs Ninexodus: I think the Niners set a record for trimming the roster this season, unorthodoxly beginning the process back in May when many players decided working at car dealerships was better than staying on that burning wagon. Must be depressing for Joe, who gets a little too excited to see another grown man kiss his bicep. Yahoo loves his squad though, giving him an A on his draft while I got a B. You won't be the first student with better grades that I've gotten the best of in the end. I'ma win this matchup and shove it in yahoo's stupid face. Shenanigans by 8pts.

The top song in 2007 was "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce.

That cops having sex in a cage line is from Super Troopers. Great movie.

You're all irreplaceable to me.

Just kidding, we've actually never had the same roster in consecutive years.

The league could be called "Replaceable".

What a day, what a lovely day!

The Commish
S.