The Commish Report: Week 12

Happy Thanksgiving to my beloved League. I'm thankful for all of you.

Also, Congratulations to Mr and Mrs "Deeznutz", welcoming Baby Robert(s) to the world! Maybe years from now little Damien, little Stephen and Little Grey will have their own fantasy football league. OR maybe they'll become Arch rivals who battle for world domination like Blofeld and Bond in the movie Spectre. Spoiler alert.

Few thoughts on football. I love Chip Kelly but it's hard to believe he'll be back next season. Is Johnny Football the first QB to go from starter to 3rd string over a Bye week? Bronco's QB1 job is Brock's to lose at this point, which is really sad. Brady vs Manning was the best QB rivalry over the last 20 years and I don't know what could possibly replace it. Speaking of Brady, is "REX RYAN" the new "OMAHA!"? Finally, Jerry Jones did a live twitter Q&A this week and it went exactly like you think it would.

I'm thankful for MATCHUPS!!! (5-1 last week, god dammit Staci)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Seadderall (And Dennis?) vs Devonta Freeman's Backup: The biggest storyline going into this week will be any shakeup among the bulge of teams at 6-5. Currently, Joe sits at the front of that pack with everyone below him hoping he loses. Meanwhile, E's team, without Devonta Freeman, lacks what I'll call "Championship Caliber". Should his team crap the bed this week, he could mathematically slide from 4th place down to 9th, in danger of missing the playoffs. What happened Eric?! You were the chosen one! You were supposed to make the playoffs this year, not miss them! Joe wins by 10pts.

Victorious Secrets vs Del Taco: Same story applies to Kimmie's team. After crapping the bed against shane, seriously?!, should the Mexican pull off the upset her team could fall far. After all those late night mock drafts could our glitter pooping lady officer actually miss the playoffs?!?! Just teasing, Casey's team is awful. Kim wins by 20pts.

Deeznutz made a child vs BRFs Only Seem to Beat Anne HansEn: When your team is 2-9 it's hard to find reasons to care, unless you can be a spoiler to Shane. Nevin, you can lose to everyone you want but imagine being the one who knocks Shane out of the playoffs!!? If it helps, Imagine Shane is Anne, or more appropriately, three and a half "Anne's". With a weird amount of facial hair and an inability to do any cardio. You can do this. You can beat Shane. I believe in you. Shane wins by 15pts.

The Norte Dame fighting Irish vs. DOGS: On this, a day of family and thankfulness, I expect this matchup to be a close bloodbath. My mom's squad always lives and dies on the success of the Packers and the Patriots. Usually not a bad strategery but tough matchups against the Bears and the Bronco's have to keep her team in check this week. Don't get me wrong, Steve's team is secretly terrible. Only surviving when it counts the most (against me, 151pts) and I think he might have enough to put his own mother-in-law out of the playoffs. Steve gets by once again, by 10pts.

The Sibling Rivalry: Seadderall, DOGS, Nutz and The Mexican. I need 3 of these 4 teams to lose either this week or next week and I'm in the post-season. I need some help but I'm still in this thing. Carla, your 1-10 squad won't get in my way! Me by bunches and bunches.

Big TDs vs Mike: Here's a video of me, this time last year, looking at Anne's Roster. She then went on to blaze her way into and through the playoffs in dominate fashion.

This year not so much. When a 3-8 teams squares off against an 8-3 team I try not to over think the math. Mike wins by 15pts.

Happy Turducken Day!

Speaking of Turducken....Go Ducks!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 11

Nothing beats Sunday mornings. Pot of coffee, NFL Insiders, a Commish report to write and no helicopter looking for murder. Ice Cube would agree, today is going to be a good day.

This week in "How the hell"

How the hell are the Minnesota Vikings leading their division? How the hell are the Carolina Panthers undefeated without their star wide receiver? How the hell does a man named Brock Oiswiler (sp?) replacing a man named Peyton Manning? How the hell did the LOLions win at Lambeau Field? How the hell is Norte Dame ranked in the top 5? How the hell are Ciara and Olivia Munn ruining the NFC (I think we all know how *wink*)? How the hell is Mark Sanchez still around? How the hell is Matt Hasselbeck still playing? How the hell are the Chicago Bears favored today? How the hell do you fold a fitted sheet? How the hell was Cam not flagged for Taunting? How the hell did he get that girl? How the hell did the Giants lose last week #odellcaughtit? How the hell was Kaepernick the problem in SF? How the hell am I 4-6?

The final 3 regular season matchups are here and I'm already sad that it's ending so soon. Feels like only yesterday I was worried about Staci "God Damn" Nevin getting the #1 pick in the draft. Who knew that pick had broken ribs and probably a few ruptured internal organs? Still lots of Drama ahead with an all out brawl happening for those last few playoff spots. Only Staci, Carla and defending champion Anne have been mathematically eliminated. None of the other nine squads have "clinched" anything and believe me I have already charted the insane mathematical algorithm which leads to me playing in the post season. I promise you this, should the remarkable happen and I make the playoffs I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who will stand in between me and my 2nd championship.

Tinder says it's a MATCH!!!!UP! (4-2 Last week, Anne. Kimmie. I'm not mad, I'm just really disappointed)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Devonta Waiver Wire vs The Utah Flukes: We all got a glimpse of what E's team would have been like without my colossal stupidity. 67pts scored. I'm starting to think your team is the Norte Dame of our league, wildly overrated. Meanwhile I can't understand how Steve is winning with a team of Rivers, Forsett and Ivory. Then I look at his "Points Against" stat and see it's the LOWEST IN THE LEAGUE at 867pts. So then I realize HE is the Norte Dame of our league, a super padded win record because he hasn't really played anyone. Which squad is more Irish than the other team? I think it's Steve, his luck has certainly been Irish and will probably keep going until he gets crushed by Alabama in the playoffs. Steve by 7pts.

Naughty Nurse vs BRF's Consistently Get Beat: Really excited to watch this matchup. Not because its another week of hot nurse on nurse action that normally costs a whole lot of money and dignity to watch live. No. Because Staci's on the verge of history! She's currently tied for the longest losing streak in league history (8). Now, this isn't just me picking on Staci. Well, it is a little bit but you see, a long time ago I had a regrettable relationship and made the even more regrettable decision to put her in the league. She drafted a squad, gave her team a very unfortunate name and didn't play at all. Now, she is permanently inscribed in league history books, reminding me every time I look of that terrible life choice. But then came Staci, who's 2015 campaign is on pace to wipe all her horrible records off the books, erasing her existence from the league. Starting this week! When Anne picks up this win and Staci sets A NEW RECORD for consecutive losses. Anne wins by 9pts.

Seadderall vs Everything is Awesome: And of course, any record Staci doesn't set I'm pretty sure my sister is on pace to hit as well. Oh and I learned what's going on with waiver wires. If you're trying to add a player from waiver wire but you select a player who has already played or currently playing for that week you'll have to wait until tuesday to pick that player up. However, if you are dropping a player from your roster who hasn't played or who's team is on a BYE week it seems the system will let you do it immediately, even if someone has placed a waiver claim. So if that player is important, replace someone who hasn't played to get them right away. The competition committee (me and mom, basically) will look into this over the offseason to determine fairness but now you know. Oh, Joe wins big here.

Victoria's Secret vs Classic Hip-hop References: Interesting dynamic in this matchup. Just so everyone knows Shane has called his shot and says he's making the playoffs. Can't argue with him either. Kimmie's team isn't fully functional this week and now she's risking losing her 1st round playoff bye. FORTE ISN'T PLAYING!!!! Go get Sproles or Spiller or SOMEBODY!!! Next week he's on BRF week and then finishes against the Mexican. C'mon guys, we can't have Shane come close to winning the title his first season of Fantasy ever can we!? That'd be worse than Ruxin winning. I hate to say this but Shane Wins this week, and probably next week, leading to a great final week matchup against the Mexican for a playoff spot. by 17pts.

TDs in your face vs Probably related to Eddie Guerrero: Casey's team is slipping. Even the magic of facing me last week didn't pay off. Now he's falling down the rankings and in serious danger of missing the playoffs (See: Sevcik, Shane). Mike in the meantime can recapture the #1 spot of his division and a potential 1st round playoff bye if his significant other loses and he gets past the Mexican. I think this will be a very close matchup and what Mike really needs is SOMETHING from Kelce (remember when I tried trading Olsen for him?? Me neither) and while I don't think he gets that, I think he gets the close win here. The TDs are small this week but perky ;) wins by 5pts.

Ambulance Chaser vs DOG CHASER: Remember that old Bill Cosby movie where he was an ambulance driver? It was called "Mother, Jugs & Speed" and co-star timeless sex symbol Rachel Welch (note: That picture was taken in 1967, photoshop was invented in 1988). The only thing more insane than that movie are my odds of making the playoffs, yet I remain optimistic. We all know I would sell my soul, pay a ransom or at least ruthlessly defeat my own mother to get there. One of those things will happen this week. Sorry mom, but I'ma win this one by at least 15pts.

We all know the significance of today's Miami vs Dallas matchup.

I thought Spectre was good but no where near Casino Royale or Skyfall. Skyfall may be the best Bond movie ever made.

335lb Backsquat the other day. I'm still fat but at least I've gotten most my strength back!

HOME IN LESS THAN 4 WEEKS!

Doses and Mimosas, Champaign and Cocaine help to get me through.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 10

Sorry, another short one. Barkley has a new business pitch happening on Wednesday which I've been involved in. Lotta people working long hours for awhile now. Keep your fingers crossed for us that we win this and my Pitch record starts of a cool 1-for-1.

Right to the Matchups!!! (3-3 Last Week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!: Old South Park References vs Big TDs On my TV Screen: Steve puts his 6 game win streak on the line against the king of the crossfit division mountain. Steve has made some interesting moves this week, believing in Ryan Tannehill and picking up the defense playing against his beloved Cowboys. I'm going to laugh and laugh when both those moves disappoint him and Mike moves on to 8-2. I'll take TDs for the big win, by 12pts.

Victoria's Revenge vs Devonta BYE Week: E should really send me a nice thank you note for dropping Devonta Freeman. Maybe something from edible arrangements with a balloon and a small stuff animal. Just to say thanks, thank you for dropping the #1 fantasy running back for the huge disappointment who is Chris Sims. This week we'll get to see what his team is like without my help. And I don't think it'll be pretty. Kimmie wins by 15pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs BRFs........ah why bother. DOGS wins by bunches.

EverythingIsAwesome vs Shaner: Carla you really need to rename that team. EverythingIsUnderwhelming? 2016MockDraftTime? Ohyouwannaseepicturesofmychild?
Shane wins big here.

Naughty Nurse vs Seadderall: Anne's team has been showing a whole lota spunk since Drew Brees started playing like Drew Brees again and she dropped Mason, who was clearly holding her back. I'll take Naughty Nurse to pull off an upset this week over a banged up Seaderrall squad. Anne by 12pts.

Me vs the Mexican: Casey accused me of being an ambulance chaser and boy is he right. He'll find out this week how smart that is when my squad of #2's takes a #2 on his week 10 chances. Backup RBs for the win, by 13pts.

AND DOWN GOES ROUSEY!!!!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 9

Short report this week due to my professional career getting in the way. One thought tho...

Stone Cold Steve Austin wants to be the QB for the Dallas Cowboys and I think that would be great!

"I tell you what, I got some time on my hands. I could be there Sunday, playing the Philadelphia Eagles. I think I can line 'em up, throw for about 300, 400 yards. Get (Jason) Witten open, get Dez (Bryant) working. A lot of underneath routes. Give (Darren) McFadden the ball a few times. Maybe do a little end-around, fake the reverse pitchout, let me run downfield and Darren can throw me the ball. About 60 yards out, catch it in full stride and boom, spike it over the damn goalpost. ... Y'all saw me catch all those beers all those years -- damn-near never dropped any of them."

Let's be honest, That sounds like the best offensive game plan Dallas has had all season.

ON TO THE MATCHUPS!!!! (5-1 Last Week, thanks for nothing SHANE)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Scott vs Shane: Shane told me last week that this matchup is his Superbowl so I had to at least humor him in making in the matchup of the week. Unfortunately, both squads are far away from Playoff relevancy right now but hey when it comes to rivalries you gotta throw out the record books. To spice things up we have a gentleman's wager on the side, the stakes of which are high as you would imagine. We all know how I like to wager (you still owe me a song Baker!) so the real winners will be anyone who is fortunate enough to associate with either of the two of us. Personal embarrassment will be on the line. I'm confident though, my team is significantly better than my record and I'm pretty sure Shane's team is significantly worse than his 3 wins. Scott wins and my victory will be immortalized, by 18pts.

Kimmie vs Stevie: 6-2 might be good enough to get you first place in the Crossfitters Division but at the Adults Table it's only good enough for 3rd. That said, Kimmie is DOMINATING our league with 50 more overall points than anyone else (Steve's ranked 2nd in that stat). Guess those late night Mock Drafts are paying off. I think this one will come down to the wire with Kimmie facing some unfavorable matchups (including a sneaky good Redskins D) so I'll go out on a limb here and call an upset. Steve gets the win by 8pts.

Devonta Freeman vs BRF Week: The record for consecutive losses is 8, currently Nevin has 6 straight losses. Over the next 3 weeks she faces 2nd place, 5th place and Anne. Records were meant to be broken. Here's hoping for a Week 11 nurse on nurse matchup for the record book! Oh yea, E wins by a hundred points.

BroncosArentAwesome vs TDsAreVeryAwesome: I was listening to the Dan Patrick show the other day and he described the Broncos as "A 3-13 offense with a 16-0 defense" and I would say that's probably pretty accurate. And we all know how Manning does down the stretch. Mike by bunches.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Wild Nurse Running: Last week Drew Brees put up 44pts and Aaron Rodgers put up 6pts. I don't think that will happen this week. That said as I scan this matchup I don't see anyone in position to do extremely well. This will be a low scoring affair and much closer than it should be. The strength of my Mom's team are her WRs and I gotta believe that's the thing that gives her the edge. DOGS over Nurses but only by 5pts.

Seadderall vs La Bamba: Despite a great Eifert (god damn i'm creative) I still think Casey loses this matchup. And here's why. Jeremy God Damn Hill. I read every blog post about him and had I not been a top 5 pick, I probably would have picked up Hill in the first round. He lead the league in Rushing the last 8 weeks of the previous season, last 2 running backs to do that went on to lead the league in rushing the following season. He showed up in better shape than before and the Bengals announced their game plan was to run the ball this season. Jeremy God Damn Hill. Seadderall wins by 15pts.

The Commish

S.