This week in "How the hell"
How the hell are the Minnesota Vikings leading their division? How the hell are the Carolina Panthers undefeated without their star wide receiver? How the hell does a man named Brock Oiswiler (sp?) replacing a man named Peyton Manning? How the hell did the LOLions win at Lambeau Field? How the hell is Norte Dame ranked in the top 5? How the hell are Ciara and Olivia Munn ruining the NFC (I think we all know how *wink*)? How the hell is Mark Sanchez still around? How the hell is Matt Hasselbeck still playing? How the hell are the Chicago Bears favored today? How the hell do you fold a fitted sheet? How the hell was Cam not flagged for Taunting? How the hell did he get that girl? How the hell did the Giants lose last week #odellcaughtit? How the hell was Kaepernick the problem in SF? How the hell am I 4-6?
The final 3 regular season matchups are here and I'm already sad that it's ending so soon. Feels like only yesterday I was worried about Staci "God Damn" Nevin getting the #1 pick in the draft. Who knew that pick had broken ribs and probably a few ruptured internal organs? Still lots of Drama ahead with an all out brawl happening for those last few playoff spots. Only Staci, Carla and defending champion Anne have been mathematically eliminated. None of the other nine squads have "clinched" anything and believe me I have already charted the insane mathematical algorithm which leads to me playing in the post season. I promise you this, should the remarkable happen and I make the playoffs I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who will stand in between me and my 2nd championship.
Tinder says it's a MATCH!!!!UP! (4-2 Last week, Anne. Kimmie. I'm not mad, I'm just really disappointed)
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Devonta Waiver Wire vs The Utah Flukes: We all got a glimpse of what E's team would have been like without my colossal stupidity. 67pts scored. I'm starting to think your team is the Norte Dame of our league, wildly overrated. Meanwhile I can't understand how Steve is winning with a team of Rivers, Forsett and Ivory. Then I look at his "Points Against" stat and see it's the LOWEST IN THE LEAGUE at 867pts. So then I realize HE is the Norte Dame of our league, a super padded win record because he hasn't really played anyone. Which squad is more Irish than the other team? I think it's Steve, his luck has certainly been Irish and will probably keep going until he gets crushed by Alabama in the playoffs. Steve by 7pts.
Naughty Nurse vs BRF's Consistently Get Beat: Really excited to watch this matchup. Not because its another week of hot nurse on nurse action that normally costs a whole lot of money and dignity to watch live. No. Because Staci's on the verge of history! She's currently tied for the longest losing streak in league history (8). Now, this isn't just me picking on Staci. Well, it is a little bit but you see, a long time ago I had a regrettable relationship and made the even more regrettable decision to put her in the league. She drafted a squad, gave her team a very unfortunate name and didn't play at all. Now, she is permanently inscribed in league history books, reminding me every time I look of that terrible life choice. But then came Staci, who's 2015 campaign is on pace to wipe all her horrible records off the books, erasing her existence from the league. Starting this week! When Anne picks up this win and Staci sets A NEW RECORD for consecutive losses. Anne wins by 9pts.
Seadderall vs Everything is Awesome: And of course, any record Staci doesn't set I'm pretty sure my sister is on pace to hit as well. Oh and I learned what's going on with waiver wires. If you're trying to add a player from waiver wire but you select a player who has already played or currently playing for that week you'll have to wait until tuesday to pick that player up. However, if you are dropping a player from your roster who hasn't played or who's team is on a BYE week it seems the system will let you do it immediately, even if someone has placed a waiver claim. So if that player is important, replace someone who hasn't played to get them right away. The competition committee (me and mom, basically) will look into this over the offseason to determine fairness but now you know. Oh, Joe wins big here.
Victoria's Secret vs Classic Hip-hop References: Interesting dynamic in this matchup. Just so everyone knows Shane has called his shot and says he's making the playoffs. Can't argue with him either. Kimmie's team isn't fully functional this week and now she's risking losing her 1st round playoff bye. FORTE ISN'T PLAYING!!!! Go get Sproles or Spiller or SOMEBODY!!! Next week he's on BRF week and then finishes against the Mexican. C'mon guys, we can't have Shane come close to winning the title his first season of Fantasy ever can we!? That'd be worse than Ruxin winning. I hate to say this but Shane Wins this week, and probably next week, leading to a great final week matchup against the Mexican for a playoff spot. by 17pts.
TDs in your face vs Probably related to Eddie Guerrero: Casey's team is slipping. Even the magic of facing me last week didn't pay off. Now he's falling down the rankings and in serious danger of missing the playoffs (See: Sevcik, Shane). Mike in the meantime can recapture the #1 spot of his division and a potential 1st round playoff bye if his significant other loses and he gets past the Mexican. I think this will be a very close matchup and what Mike really needs is SOMETHING from Kelce (remember when I tried trading Olsen for him?? Me neither) and while I don't think he gets that, I think he gets the close win here. The TDs are small this week but perky ;) wins by 5pts.
Ambulance Chaser vs DOG CHASER: Remember that old Bill Cosby movie where he was an ambulance driver? It was called "Mother, Jugs & Speed" and co-star timeless sex symbol Rachel Welch (note: That picture was taken in 1967, photoshop was invented in 1988). The only thing more insane than that movie are my odds of making the playoffs, yet I remain optimistic. We all know I would sell my soul, pay a ransom or at least ruthlessly defeat my own mother to get there. One of those things will happen this week. Sorry mom, but I'ma win this one by at least 15pts.
We all know the significance of today's Miami vs Dallas matchup.
I thought Spectre was good but no where near Casino Royale or Skyfall. Skyfall may be the best Bond movie ever made.
335lb Backsquat the other day. I'm still fat but at least I've gotten most my strength back!
HOME IN LESS THAN 4 WEEKS!
Doses and Mimosas, Champaign and Cocaine help to get me through.
The Commish
S.
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