The Commish Report: Week 3

Having myself a pretty nice little Saturday. Enjoyed some College Game Day this morning, followed by a sweaty AMRAP, now at a place called "Paleo Kitchen" for lunch (home of the original "Paleo Balls). Might go to Bed, Bath & Beyond later but I don't know....I don't know if we'll have enough time.

What a time to be alive. I think history is going to be kind to Colin Kaepernick. I don't agree with his actions and would never disrespect our flag or our anthem. However, what he's doing, how long he's be doing it for and how it is showing up in other leagues and levels of sports is impressive. Who knew this Rafi lookin', bicep kissing, backup Quarterback would have this level of impact on our culture? Will we actually look back at his actions as symbolic of our time in history? It'll be interesting to see what happens in Carolina during their home game on Sunday after a week of their downtown being a national emergency.

Interesting footnote, the NBA has all of their players contractually obligated to stand at attention for the national anthem at every game. The NFL didn't.

The Seattle Seahawks won't be kind to the Niners this Sunday.

Another year of Fantasy Football not being kind to me either. Hard to jump to conclusions so early in the season but I've only missed the playoffs twice in my 9 seasons and each time I failed I also started 0-2. On the other end of the spectrum, TDs has two huge knockers wins in his hands already and is showing no signs of sagging slowing down.

Interesting note after 2 games
Avg Legacy Division Score: 92.09
Avg Crossfit Division Score: 109.21

First week of cross-division play is next week.

But enough about next week lets talk about THIS WEEKS MATCHUPS!!! (3-3 last week, still finding my groove)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! The Birthday Boy vs His loving wife: I always get excited when couples square off because it gives them something to talk about other than where each other wants to eat. Steve's basically the New England Patriots, off to an improbable undefeated start despite his best offensive player being suspended. Carla doesn't have much luck against her husband in fantasy football (or most anyone else) but this could be her Superbowl in week 3 should she pull of the upset. I don't expect a lot of points in that slugfest between Minn and Carolina, leaving Kelvin and Diggs short of their projections. I'm gonna take Steve to win, it being his birthday week and all, but this one will be low and it'll be close. Steve by 4pts.

Don't be a jerk, Eric!

Hiros in a Half-shell vs Devonta Freeman: Sad week in the Hiro household this week. Her beloved Kitten, Charlie Hustle, has come down with some sort of skin eating disease on his cute wittle face. We're not sure exactly what it is, vet gave him a shot and some pills while we await the test results. Her world is as devastated as her running back depth chart, after injury hits to Doug Martin and The Daily Show Jonathan Stewart. You'd have to be a real jerk to kick her while she's down this week. You'd have to be a real jerk to beat her in fantasy football while she's down this week. You'd really just have to be a jerk not to take a dive this week to give her a little something to be happy about wouldn't you, Eric? Hiro by 10pts.

The Naughty Nurse vs The Naughty Officer: This matchup is basically a slutty halloween costume playoff. I really enjoyed that close dogfight (sexist to say Catfight?) Anne won against Nevin last week. Poor Kim though, her team finished with the least amount of points and she didn't exactly get the spark from Gronkowski that she was hoping for this week. Maybe Mike can give you some waiver wire advice this week to turn things around? Or maybe you can grab his laptop for a quick Brown for Gronk trade? Either way, I"m betting that Nurses beat Cops in Fantasy Football hotness this week... hotness as in successful offensive production only is what i mean....of course... stop glaring at me Katie :) Anne by 15pts

Mexican vs Nevin: HA! Learned my lesson last week. Never say Nevin. Casey by DOZENS!

Evil Shenanigans vs DRW: No Rodgers? No Problem. Andrew Luck has been putting up huge numbers for my mom who currently sits in 4th place. This will be her last week of enjoy the Deangelo Williams jackpot of fantasy points though. But will that be enough to overcome by squad of misfits who have wildly underperformed to leave me at 0-2? Probably. But what can I say, I'm an optimist! Shenanigans steps over his own mother to grab his first win of the season, by 7pts.

Speedo's vs Speeding Tickets (and Beer):

That had to hurt.

Remember Shaun Alexander?
Age 28 - 1800+ yards
Age 30 - 716yards

Remember LaDainian Tomlinson?
Age 28 - 1400+ yards
Age 30 - 730 yards

This is why you don't want to be the guy who finds out when AP's career is done. Shane is now that guy. His team will get a lot more interesting when Josh Gordon comes off his 9th suspension (one more and the next one's free!) but by then DeMarco will probably have pulled up lame as well. I do like the Jordan Howard pickup, but honestly who wants to put their faith in anyone playing in Chicago this season? Mike meanwhile has a stud team with a bright future (Keenan Who?). Maybe a Blount for Gordon trade is worthwhile? Could be, but nobody ever wants to trade in this league anyways. I'm thinking Mike handily wins this one while Shane continues scouring the waiver wire for answers. The TDs are big and plentiful for Mike, wins by 20pts.

That Nebraska game certainly hurt my heart last weekend. Ugh. Welcome to the Helfrich era Ducks.

Katie's boss is a HUUUUUGE Oregon Duck. I love it. His name is Doug.

My first Crossfit competition in YEARS is about a month away and I'm far from the shape I'd like to be in. Damnit You Delicious BBQ! I'll be crashing hard for this test over the coming weeks. I'll be trying something called "Jogging"? It's radical.

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 2

The lesson from last week can be summarized in one word, Hope. I learned that there can be no true despair without Hope. Hope is a killer. Hope is a bad thing. Hope is what will make a grown man cry.

Too much hope.

Take Terrance Williams for example. Some might look at his failure to get out of bounds with less than 10secs on the clock as a slight lapse in situational awareness. However, as my favorite Cowboys apologist Steve Pruitt pointed out...

"He was only 45 yards away, so it kinda made sense"

Hope clouds your judgement.

Hope is what happens when, early Sunday afternoon, Yahoo alerts you to say you're projected to put up 135pts with a chance of beating Steve somewhere around 88%.

Hope screws with your head.
Hope makes you angry.
Hope makes you punch a kitten.

Fantasy Football is a drug dealer and "Hope" is his top seller.

Some of you had a better week than I. Some of you had Luck in place of Hope. While losses are never easy to swallow, it is only week 1. Week 1 doesn't matter that much does it? DOES IT???

Forget the past! On to week TWO matchups!!!!! (3-3 last week, 1st week doesn't count)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! More Hot Cop on Cop Action: The battles between Mike and Kim were some of my favorite matchups last season and they seem willing to pick up right where they left off. I like to imagine the Bew-drow household during football season. Kim with a pink and glitter trapper keeper full of research and insights that seems to always go missing about 2 hours before the draft. Mike, with glitter on his fingertips, falsely denies knowledge of said binder with the conviction of a teenager getting pulled over for the first time after a couple of a beers.... at the very least they have separate laptops with unsharable passwords for each. Both had solid week ones, but Kim found herself on the wrong end of a dirty Mexican and his favorite Johnson. This week should see high point totals for each, especially since the last time Eli and Drew played against each other I think 1000 passing yards and 7 touchdowns total happened, a feat Ryan Tannehill can't do in a full season let along a single game. I'm going to give a tip of the hat to the Mrs and say Kim gets the upset behind big games from Ware, Eli and Elliot. Lady officer by 10pts.

#Hashtags vs Hiro: Big sis is off to her hottest start since 2010 with a winning streak of 1! And Katie, well I guess not everyone who joins this league can have beginner's luck. Carla with the interesting strategy this week of benching top draft picks Wilson and Rawls. I guess that Rams defense she saw last Monday night really put the fear of god in her. Or maybe she's a super genius? Katie's hoping to bounce back after a wildly disappointing week 1 performance from top picks Dez and Beckham. Gotta believe the universe corrects itself this week with Carla losing, Dez catching TDs, and the giants bending the offense to beckham (you see what I did there?!). Hiro by fifty yen.

BRFs once again pretty easy to beat vs. Hellloooooooo Nurse!:
Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”

“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”

Nurse humor isn't funny. Stacey by 10pts.

Me vs E: Nothing helps correct a shakey start to the season faster than a matchup with my favorite Jets fan! Just what the doctor ordered. However, not sure who I have more faith in right now between Gurley and Freeman. At least the falcons have a QB and WR that opponents find threatening. The Niners just proved that all you have to do to defeat the Rams is send all 11 after Gurley each snap and you'll do just fine. Gonna be a looooong season if they can't find a way to get #30 going. For them and for me. But here's to hope! Evil Shenanigans by TWO GURLEY TOUCHDOWNS

#MakeDallassGreatAgain vs WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!: I CAN'T SAY HOW MUCH I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE COLTS THIS YEAR. THAT OFFENSIVE LINE ALMOST KILLED ANDREW LUCK LAST SEASON AND I DONT THINK MUCH HAS IMPROVED. GOOD THING FOR MY MOM LUCK PLAYED AGAINS THE LOLIONS LAST WEEK. WHO ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO BE WORSE THAN YOU'D EXPECT. DENVER IS NOT DETROIT. STEVE WINS BY 19PTS.

The Mexican vs The Monster: Do I smell a tamales side bet?! Both squads are coming off very dominating week 1 wins. Casey against the defending champ who is a decent opponent and Shane against BRFs.. a....well lets just say a much less decent opponent. I can't imagine AP having another bad game like he did last week. That would just send the purple nation and the green hulk into a depression frenzy. However, I expect an offensive explosion between Tampa Bay and Arizona, which will be great if you have players from those teams. Which Baker has bunches of. I'm gonna bet on the Mexican to win this one by Dos Equis.

Real excited for November. Hiro is taking me to my first ever NFL game when our beloved Kansas City Chiefs, led by the Heroic Alex Smith, host the crab leg sexual assaulting Jameis Winston and his merry band of Buccaneers.

Ducks Ducks Ducks. Taking on Nebraska this week. More Nebraska fans in KC than Oregon fans but I'll do my best to make sure Oregon fans are drunker and louder than them.

Da na na na na na naaaa BATMAN!!!

Here was a fun exchange between Steve and I on Monday night I have to share. We crack ourselves up.

Volleyball night is tonight. We remain winless. 0-40ish. I feel like Todd Gurley does.

Bounce. Stop. Wiggle Wiggle.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 1

Are you ready for some football?

Feels like only yesterday Peyton Manning's forehead was riding into the sunset, Lombardi Trophy under his weak-ass arm, while Cam Newton pouted with Von Miller's foot up his ass.
Fond memories.

Now, a new season is set to begin.

How I Handle Fantasy Football Stress

Here are some predictions I have for the 2016 Football Season.

- Indianapolis will win, maybe, 4 games total.
- Lamar Miller will finish the season as the best back in Football.
- Carolina will start the season 0-2 and the weight of the world crashes down on #1. We'll get to find out if Cam has matured or not at all since the Superbowl tantrum but I'm guessing he hasn't.
- David Johnson is good, but not nearly as good as everyone thinks. Remember Beanie Wells?
- The Buccaneers, Raiders and Texans will be the surprise teams of the playoffs.
- Jay Cutler will be playing for a different team next season. He won't give a shit.
- Ryan Tannehill is slightly less Mediocre but Dolphins still go 7-9.
- Adrian Peterson gets hurt. C'mon, he's 31! Remember Shaun Alexander?
- Romo will play at the end of the season. But this is his last ride in Dallas.
- Dallas wins maybe 6 games this season. Maybe.

I can't wait to get this party started! So with that said lets get on to the first Matchups of the Season!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Devonta fr-E-man vs #Carla: 2009 was a mostly forgettable year. Pitbull and Miley Cyrus songs were everywhere, the biggest news story was that Iraq had an election and I think Hurt Locker won best picture. Amid that rather melancholy year, Carla's fantasy football went a shocking 12-3-0. However, in the 6 years since then, Carla has gone 26-49-3 while lowly Eric (who would kill for one 12-3 season) has gone 29-49-0! 49 losses each! That's a real long time to be bad! It HAS to turn around for one of these two teams right?! Which is why I'm really excited for this matchup, someone's starting off the season with a win. I love that E grabbed Devonta Freeman again this year. That level of commitment to your team name is rare to see. I wish I could say that the Miami Defense would spell trouble for Seahawks Russell Wilson and Thomas Rawls, but who am I kidding? Both Carla and her Child take little steps this week toward great things. #emotion gets the #win by 14 #hashtags.

Evil Shenanigans vs Make Dallas Great Again: You'd have to go way further than 2009 to find when the Cowboys were last "great". Only the Cleveland Browns have had as many different starting Quarterbacks than Dallas has had in recent years. Broken Romo's back is a brittle as a snowflake and Dak Prescott is the 2nd most unnecessarily discussed backup QB (behind Kaepernick but that's another story all on its own). Nothing makes a murky quarterback situation go from bad to worse faster than calling in the Sanchize to help either. Ugh. Dallas is already in Mid-season form. This might explain when Steve doesn't have a single Cowboy on his team. Not one! He'll be lethal in about 3 weeks, when LeVeon Bell teams with Lamar Miller as a deadly 1-2 punch at RB. But that's October Scott's problem, September Scott is gonna roll in this one. Shenanigans by 10pts. 

Shock n Awe vs Victoria's Secrets: Week 1 Kim is like "Life's not fair, the computer picked my team" then in week 6 when she's 5-1 she'll be like "Oh I was just making that up, I'm a genius". Week 1 Casey is like "Mis tacos son necesarios para devorar con cerveza barata Me encanta Pitbull." but then by Week 6 when he's 3-3 he'll be like "El queso se encuentra al otro lado del puente y me huele pedos de edad." That old Mexican doesn't make a lot of sense these's days. This one is a bit of a toss up but I'll go with Kimmie for a week 1 win. Even those living in Kansas City don't believe in Charles or Kelce the way this Mexican does and Gronk is gonna get his. Victorious, tell me your secret! squeaks by with an 8pt win.

BRFs Can't be Beat vs Speedos and Nair: Everyone got a chance to prove just how easily BRFs can be beaten last year, except for me who never got to play her.  Gotta hand it to her though, she did a lot better with the 12th pick in the draft than she did last year with that #1 pick.  Shaner was the surprise hit of the season last year, going from "WTF is fantasy football?" to "Favored to win the Championship" in about 12 weeks. This is what watching The League can do for you. Shane's hoping a few old guys (just begging for a season ending injury) can turn back the clock in DeMarco, Peterson and Big Ben. Staci, meanwhile, proves she only watched the SuperBowl last year which is why names like Newton, Anderson and Demariyus all just sounded familiar to her. "Go Sportball!" she yelled before quieting everyone watching the game from insider her trailer during commercial breaks. I still don't know what a BRF is. Other than remarkably easy to beat. Shane by 16pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Its A Hard Gronk Life: My mom has been playing Fantasy Football since our inaugural season back in 2007. In 9 seasons she's had two simple strategies.

2007-2010 = "Draft everyone who plays for the Indianapolis Colts".
2011-Today = "Draft everyone who plays for the Green Bay Packers."

And How Do You Like Your Balls Tom?

Eric would kill for the success she's had. However, this year was different. The key ingredient to her success, Aaron Rodgers, was stolen from her early in the 1st round of the draft. Causing her to result back to her prior strategy. But will it work as well as it has before?! We'll find out this week as she squares off against newcomer Katie "Hiro" Lee, who's desired strategy of "Draft everyone who plays for the New England Patriots" was veto'd early by me when I told her Gronk was a bad move at pick #4. I was right about this AND yahoo agreed with me, awarding her the best draft grade in the league. Insert joke about Asians and Grades here, then, give her the predicted win. Hiro by 10pts but only because she listened to her boyfriend.

Naughty Nurse vs Naughty TDs: I really thought Mike was going to win it all last season. And he probably would have if he could have only identified a great sleeper running back in the later rounds of his draft that would then go on to have a huge run toward the end of the season. If only. Not going to lie though, he's back with a vengeance for his sophomore season and it's actually him I would award "best draft" to (you know nothing, Yahoo!). He's got a bench full of potential to compliment a scary starting line-up led by the safest bet in Fantasy Football, Antonio Brown. I'm guessing he stole his wife's draft Binder at some point this summer because that squad is legit. The Naughty Nurse jumped out early to steal Rodgers away from DOGS, then let her Husband draft last year's wildly over-performing Jets offense. Alas, Ryan Fatspatrick still hasn't shed the baby weight from his hold-out and Mike's on a warpath this season. I'll take TDs in my face for the win this week by 16pts.

FOOTBALL IS BACK, BABY!

What a crazy 1st week of College football! Finally, the Irish didn't win a game they should have lost which has been their signature move the last 3 seasons. The SEC is garbage (with the exception of Alabama, but he sold his soul to the devil so whatcha gonna do?). The PAC-12 was quicker than usual to disappoint everyone this season.

I really want to believe the Ducks haven't lost a step this year but......

I've been playing on a Sand Volleyball team, "How I Set Your Mother" since the beginning of the summer. We've played over 4 months together and we've lost every single set. we're 0-31. This is where I'll be Thursday night when the Superbowl repeats itself. Losing at Volleyball.

Some of you have extra money you're looking to invest. Well, look no further. 

The Kittens are basically stuffed animals for Katie. She dresses them up in clothes, has weird conversations with them, tea parties on weekends and then smothers them with her body while watching movies.

You should always stand for the National Anthem.

The Commish
S.

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