The Commish Report: Week 1

Are you ready for some football?

Feels like only yesterday Peyton Manning's forehead was riding into the sunset, Lombardi Trophy under his weak-ass arm, while Cam Newton pouted with Von Miller's foot up his ass.
Fond memories.

Now, a new season is set to begin.

How I Handle Fantasy Football Stress

Here are some predictions I have for the 2016 Football Season.

- Indianapolis will win, maybe, 4 games total.
- Lamar Miller will finish the season as the best back in Football.
- Carolina will start the season 0-2 and the weight of the world crashes down on #1. We'll get to find out if Cam has matured or not at all since the Superbowl tantrum but I'm guessing he hasn't.
- David Johnson is good, but not nearly as good as everyone thinks. Remember Beanie Wells?
- The Buccaneers, Raiders and Texans will be the surprise teams of the playoffs.
- Jay Cutler will be playing for a different team next season. He won't give a shit.
- Ryan Tannehill is slightly less Mediocre but Dolphins still go 7-9.
- Adrian Peterson gets hurt. C'mon, he's 31! Remember Shaun Alexander?
- Romo will play at the end of the season. But this is his last ride in Dallas.
- Dallas wins maybe 6 games this season. Maybe.

I can't wait to get this party started! So with that said lets get on to the first Matchups of the Season!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Devonta fr-E-man vs #Carla: 2009 was a mostly forgettable year. Pitbull and Miley Cyrus songs were everywhere, the biggest news story was that Iraq had an election and I think Hurt Locker won best picture. Amid that rather melancholy year, Carla's fantasy football went a shocking 12-3-0. However, in the 6 years since then, Carla has gone 26-49-3 while lowly Eric (who would kill for one 12-3 season) has gone 29-49-0! 49 losses each! That's a real long time to be bad! It HAS to turn around for one of these two teams right?! Which is why I'm really excited for this matchup, someone's starting off the season with a win. I love that E grabbed Devonta Freeman again this year. That level of commitment to your team name is rare to see. I wish I could say that the Miami Defense would spell trouble for Seahawks Russell Wilson and Thomas Rawls, but who am I kidding? Both Carla and her Child take little steps this week toward great things. #emotion gets the #win by 14 #hashtags.

Evil Shenanigans vs Make Dallas Great Again: You'd have to go way further than 2009 to find when the Cowboys were last "great". Only the Cleveland Browns have had as many different starting Quarterbacks than Dallas has had in recent years. Broken Romo's back is a brittle as a snowflake and Dak Prescott is the 2nd most unnecessarily discussed backup QB (behind Kaepernick but that's another story all on its own). Nothing makes a murky quarterback situation go from bad to worse faster than calling in the Sanchize to help either. Ugh. Dallas is already in Mid-season form. This might explain when Steve doesn't have a single Cowboy on his team. Not one! He'll be lethal in about 3 weeks, when LeVeon Bell teams with Lamar Miller as a deadly 1-2 punch at RB. But that's October Scott's problem, September Scott is gonna roll in this one. Shenanigans by 10pts. 

Shock n Awe vs Victoria's Secrets: Week 1 Kim is like "Life's not fair, the computer picked my team" then in week 6 when she's 5-1 she'll be like "Oh I was just making that up, I'm a genius". Week 1 Casey is like "Mis tacos son necesarios para devorar con cerveza barata Me encanta Pitbull." but then by Week 6 when he's 3-3 he'll be like "El queso se encuentra al otro lado del puente y me huele pedos de edad." That old Mexican doesn't make a lot of sense these's days. This one is a bit of a toss up but I'll go with Kimmie for a week 1 win. Even those living in Kansas City don't believe in Charles or Kelce the way this Mexican does and Gronk is gonna get his. Victorious, tell me your secret! squeaks by with an 8pt win.

BRFs Can't be Beat vs Speedos and Nair: Everyone got a chance to prove just how easily BRFs can be beaten last year, except for me who never got to play her.  Gotta hand it to her though, she did a lot better with the 12th pick in the draft than she did last year with that #1 pick.  Shaner was the surprise hit of the season last year, going from "WTF is fantasy football?" to "Favored to win the Championship" in about 12 weeks. This is what watching The League can do for you. Shane's hoping a few old guys (just begging for a season ending injury) can turn back the clock in DeMarco, Peterson and Big Ben. Staci, meanwhile, proves she only watched the SuperBowl last year which is why names like Newton, Anderson and Demariyus all just sounded familiar to her. "Go Sportball!" she yelled before quieting everyone watching the game from insider her trailer during commercial breaks. I still don't know what a BRF is. Other than remarkably easy to beat. Shane by 16pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Its A Hard Gronk Life: My mom has been playing Fantasy Football since our inaugural season back in 2007. In 9 seasons she's had two simple strategies.

2007-2010 = "Draft everyone who plays for the Indianapolis Colts".
2011-Today = "Draft everyone who plays for the Green Bay Packers."

And How Do You Like Your Balls Tom?

Eric would kill for the success she's had. However, this year was different. The key ingredient to her success, Aaron Rodgers, was stolen from her early in the 1st round of the draft. Causing her to result back to her prior strategy. But will it work as well as it has before?! We'll find out this week as she squares off against newcomer Katie "Hiro" Lee, who's desired strategy of "Draft everyone who plays for the New England Patriots" was veto'd early by me when I told her Gronk was a bad move at pick #4. I was right about this AND yahoo agreed with me, awarding her the best draft grade in the league. Insert joke about Asians and Grades here, then, give her the predicted win. Hiro by 10pts but only because she listened to her boyfriend.

Naughty Nurse vs Naughty TDs: I really thought Mike was going to win it all last season. And he probably would have if he could have only identified a great sleeper running back in the later rounds of his draft that would then go on to have a huge run toward the end of the season. If only. Not going to lie though, he's back with a vengeance for his sophomore season and it's actually him I would award "best draft" to (you know nothing, Yahoo!). He's got a bench full of potential to compliment a scary starting line-up led by the safest bet in Fantasy Football, Antonio Brown. I'm guessing he stole his wife's draft Binder at some point this summer because that squad is legit. The Naughty Nurse jumped out early to steal Rodgers away from DOGS, then let her Husband draft last year's wildly over-performing Jets offense. Alas, Ryan Fatspatrick still hasn't shed the baby weight from his hold-out and Mike's on a warpath this season. I'll take TDs in my face for the win this week by 16pts.

FOOTBALL IS BACK, BABY!

What a crazy 1st week of College football! Finally, the Irish didn't win a game they should have lost which has been their signature move the last 3 seasons. The SEC is garbage (with the exception of Alabama, but he sold his soul to the devil so whatcha gonna do?). The PAC-12 was quicker than usual to disappoint everyone this season.

I really want to believe the Ducks haven't lost a step this year but......

I've been playing on a Sand Volleyball team, "How I Set Your Mother" since the beginning of the summer. We've played over 4 months together and we've lost every single set. we're 0-31. This is where I'll be Thursday night when the Superbowl repeats itself. Losing at Volleyball.

Some of you have extra money you're looking to invest. Well, look no further. 

The Kittens are basically stuffed animals for Katie. She dresses them up in clothes, has weird conversations with them, tea parties on weekends and then smothers them with her body while watching movies.

You should always stand for the National Anthem.

The Commish
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