The Commish Report: Week 12

Such a fun week last week! I got to go to my very first NFL game which was great. Travis Kelce is a giant of a human being and Andy Reid moves around the sideline like Danny Devito did as the Penguin in Batman Returns, its uncanny. While the final outcome wasn't ideal, I had a blast. Big hearted thank you to my lovely girlfriend Katie for the early Christmas present. Additionally, both my fantasy teams won, the Dolphins won and Steve still won't talk to me after the yuuuuuuge upset of Ducks over Utes with TWO SECONDS LEFT ON THE CLOCK. Then at 2 in the morning I got the fatburger because it was a good day.

Only two weeks left in the season and I'm pretty sure the only manager who has been actually eliminated from the playoffs is Carla because that's what an 8 game losing streak will do to ya. And with two games remaining the ONLY manager who is safely in the post season is the Mexican. Which won't ever happen again.  Not in Trump's America. #MAGA

If X is > than the ratio of Y squared then
I'M GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS BABY!!!!

I've ran every scenario in which I could still make the playoffs.

Scenario 1 (Ideal)
I win out.
Hiro loses her next two.
Steve and E each lose one of their next two.
I score enough points to win the tie-breaker.
2nd seed in the playoffs.

OR

Scenario 2 (Less Ideal)
I win out.
Steve and E each lose one of their next two.

Either Anne or Glitter Farts lose their next two. 

I score enough points to win the tie-breaker.
6th seed in the playoffs.

Down but never out! On to this week's MATCHUPS!!!! (3-3 last week, I'll never figure this season out :( )

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! The Naughty Nurse vs The Naughty Cop: This 2nd battle between slutty halloween costumes is essentially a playoff game for both. Now I want to use this time to call someone out. Kimmie claimed that she couldn't login to the draft when it started, causing her to autodraft her first pick (Zeke). We know this because she complained about it early, loudly and frequently. Even going as far as to claim unfairness, boarder line collusion. Later she got control of her draft and went on to pick the likes of Gronk, Watkins, Hyde, Moncrief, and Foster. Only one of which will play for her this week and none of which that were worth the round in which they were taken. Should she win this week, and go on to make the playoffs, who deserves more credit? Kim or Yahoo Sports? What's really in those binders of research? And who did she take first in 26 of the 32 mock drafts she did leading up to the draft? Was it Zeke? Yahoo sports wins this matchup by the 7pts Zeke beat his projection by.

This is what a winner looks like!

BRFs get frequently beat vs The Mexican who couldn't lose: Casey's looking good. I mean really good. And I'm not talking about that radio advertisement in which Casey's Pajama's look a lot like what I have would wear on a Saturday night. No, I'm talking about his fantasy team that beat shane last week by more points than Shane's team even scored. Jumping on the Kirk Cousin train has really helped right the Shock N Awe ship which isn't surprising because Casey loves Cousins. He has 20 of them! 13 of them not in jail. Meanwhile, I still don't know what a BRF is other than something that is easily defeated. The mexican keeps cruising this week into the playoffs, probably on a lowered single cab pickup truck. Casey by mucho.

Steve vs Carla: Carla hasn't won since week 3 but you know who that was against? Her loving husband Steve. At time of press, she's a 1pt favorite to sweep her husband this season in their head to head matchups. I'd really love to see that happen. Especially since I need Steve to lose one of his next two. I don't think that will happen this week, especially after 20+ pts by Bell. But I will laugh with delight if I'm wrong and Carla pulls off the improbable upset....again. Steve by 10pts.

Speedos & Nair vs TDs & Beer: Pretty obvious which team name wins. It's saturday and Shane has almost scored as many points as his entire squad put up last week. Mike got a huge performance from Antonio Brown but needed a little more bump and grind from R. Kelly. This one should be a high scorer between 2 playoff bound teams but I gotta believe Shane bounces back from last week's dismal showing and slides up in the seeding after DeMarco Murray eats the bears Defense alive. Shane by 19pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs. DOGS RUNNING WILD: Really proud of the fact I got my mom to partake in a joke this week regarding Stripper-grams in Utah. Last year she bought me whiskey for Christmas, this year she's googling "Affordable Stripper Grams in Utah" while at her government job. It took me 32 years but I finally ruined her. Hopefully I do as much damage to her fantasy team as I did to the integrity of her Internet history this week. Off to a great start with Ebron putting up the goose-egg on Thanksgiving. Now if only Todd Gurley can run like Todd Gurley circa 2015 ran I should have this one in the bag. Unfortunately as my 4-7 record will tell you, Todd Gurley is not the same Todd Gurley who won rookie of the year last year. Not even close. But still, Shenanigans gets a rare win this week, by 10 missed Ebron points.

Hard Gronk Life vs Hard Luck Eric: That's the difference one win can make in this league. E at 5-6....no where near the post season (for the 9th year in a row). Hiro at 6-5, sitting pretty in the post season as the 2nd seed with a 1st round BYE. The Legacy division has become the Fantasy equivalent of the NFC South, nobody seems to even want to win the division! While I need Katie to lose 2 of her next 2 games, I know I can count on Eric to fall apart at the end of this season like he has fallen apart at the end of almost every other season we've ever played in the league. Death, Taxes and Eric not making the playoffs. Katie by 14pts.

Hope every one had a fantastic Thanksgiving dinner. I know I did! I'm thankful for everyone in this league who actually takes time each week to read my musing about football. Seriously, you guys are great. We may live in different time zones, but football keeps me close to all of ya and I like that.

I will make the playoffs and win this league again someday, it is my Density….I mean…my Destiny.

The two best teams in the NFL are the Cowboys and the Patriots.
The best team in college is Alabama.
2016 really is the worst year.

Dormammu, I've come to bargain!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 11

A man with a Mustache is never wrong.

Short report this week as I am heading out the door to my first Chiefs game! Tailgaters started an hour ago so I'm already well behind as I write this. But don't despair, I have a brand new Travis Kelce jersey, about 12 delicious Boulevard Brewery cold ones and a freshly shaven mustache to bring to Arrowhead. And probably the only asian.

ON TO THE MATCHUPS!!!! (4-2 again last week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! The Man Bear versus the Mexican: Clearly this season the crossfit division is the SEC and the Legacy division is the MAC at best, probably more like a Thanksgiving pickup game at the local park. The kinda game where it's all fun until some jackass former player decides to drop a shoulder into an unsuspecting Scott Roberts. C'mon man, we're just having fun here. So this could be a Superbowl preview. Casey turned around his fall from grace by narrowly escaping an upset bid by Evil Shenanigans, but now faces the 2nd best team in his division. This is like LSU vs Bama except it will be watchable. Willie Snead hit his 3pt average for Shane to get the party started, but DeMarco against Indy will probably rack up 30+ points at least. Meanwhile, Casey's Cardinals are facing the Purple People Eaters from Minnesota and that's whatever "unfortunate" is in Spanish. Gotta give it to Shane this week as his team builds a wall around Casey's team and makes him pay for it. Shane by 19pts.

Hot Cop on Cop Action: I love it when these two square off in a duel of imagery football! I like to think it consumes their household for the entire week (if they had a household anymore that is). For the record, Kimmie is 3-1 against her husband, including one playoff victory. A rivalry only becomes a rivalry when both sides win. Mike got lucky at the beginning of the season but Kimmie's team is on a 5 game win streak, rushing toward the playoffs while Zeke rushes to the MVP and Rookie of the Year awards. This one's gonna be a close one! Zeke has been nothing short of fantastic and I'll be there in person as the Chiefs demolish Tampa Bay so I'm going to go with Kimmie to get the win today and continue wearing the fantasy football pants in this and every household they share. Glitter farts by 10pts.

#GlassCaseOfLosses vs. Already Listening to Christmas Music and putting her Cats into Christmas Sweaters: Poor Carla, those 2 wins must feel like an eternity ago. Good grab of Rawls off the waiver wire though, I thought I was the only one who picked up on that. What an insane night for Luke Kuechly on Thursday. Guy scores a touchdown, gets touchdown taken away, plays a huge game, leaves sobbing. That dude is as tough as they come and that was hard to watch. Still don't understand how that was a head injury but I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV. I've also totally digressed from my point with is Katie wins by 19pts.

MakeDallasGreatAgain vs. DOGS RUNNING WILD: Steve still hasn't texted me back since the Oregon Ducks beat his beloved Utes with a Touchdown as time expired. Wish I could have watched that game, I got Mizzou versus who gives a crap instead. But what a game! My mom meanwhile got her win of the season last week with not just a victory but a down-right thrashing of Anne's squad. I expect the good luck to keep going and the bad luck to keep going this week as Steve's nightmare of a football weekend gets worse with a Dallas falling at home to the Ravens and then him losing to my moms. A hat trick of losses for him so to speak. DOGS by 8pts.

BRFs get beat half the time vs Naughty Nurse: Another close matchup in the Crossfit league sees nurse against nurse. I expect a low scoring affair as Anne's team either goes off for 160 against me or 60 against everyone else, apparently. This might come down to one player going off and I believe that one player will be Aaron Rodgers and I have an odd feeling about that Dallas Baltimore game. So I'll take Anne to win this close but low scoring throwdown, by 5pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs Devonta Freeman: Holy crap it's November and Eric hasn't been eliminated from the playoffs! Yet! Seems like nobody wants to win our division, which is fine by me because I'm still mathematically in this guy! Somehow... And the collapse of E is as predictable as the collapse of Andy Dalton in the playoffs. He's already missing his two best Atlanta Falcons. While Cam and Cooks didn't do much to help, which for anyone questioning that decision no other combination of opposing Quarterbacks (Brees and Cam) have put up more points against each other over the past 3 years. But I failed to take into consideration how Thursday Night Football is ruining the sport each and every week. Nevertheless I expect to win this week in a close battle. Evil triumphs, by 9pts.

GO CHIEFS!!!!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 10

This week the United States elected the guy who fired Lil Jon (twice!) for delegating important tasks to Meat Loaf but then not following up as effectively as he could have which cost the team during an important Nabisco Cookie project presentation.

Now, I'm not about to turn my beloved weekly report into a 500 word Facebook post about what this election means to me. I'm sure your FB wall, like my FB wall, is already too full of those. And as a white heterosexual male, I lack a lot of "authority" in the issues of this week. I'll just say this, I encourage the good people of this league to go find one of the dozen black people living in Medford and say something encouraging to them. If you can't find them, a Mexican will do pinch. A half Mexican won't be enough. While the headlines are focused on the stupid white kids in Portland who forgot to vote so they're taking it out on the local Safeway, there are circles of people who are legitimately worried about how their neighbors feel about them today as a result of this election. They're worried about their safety and their future. Which is sad. So regardless what your politics are, a friendly reminder that racism/sexism/homophobia/etc doesn't surround them will go a long way this week.

And if there's any diversity in Utah, although I haven't seen any evidence of this, but in any case be nice to them too. Be exceptionally Mormon this week.

Lets save all our nastiness toward each other for important issues like trades and collusion.

And now I'll take a kneel on political issues and get to this weeks' MATCHUPS!!!! (4-2 last week, it has taken me 2 months but starting to figure things out)

True story!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! DOGS RUNNING WILD vs NURSES GETTING NAUGHTY: I've had this matchup circled on my calendar since the draft! Since I can remember my mom has a Quarterback Crush. In 1984 it was Dan Marino, she spent the 90's in a Brett Farve phase, she got a Peyton Manning jersey for Christmas in 2005 and for the last 4 years she can't R-E-L-A-X about Aaron Rodgers. So when Anne STOLE HER MAN in the first round of the draft... IT. WAS. ON! Like Donkey Kong. To make things worse, Anne has just let Rodgers sit on her bench for most the season, rubbing salt in the wound. Assuming Anne's team doesn't go off for another 145.66 god damn points, this should be a competitive matchup. Real competitive in fact, it's a 50-50 split. It's going to come down to one simple thing and I think that'll be defense. My mom chose wisely, grabbing the defense playing the Cleveland browns is a real smart choice. Meanwhile, Anne has the defense going against Tom Brady, and that is less smart. Revenge is spelled D-O-G-S this week, by 4pts.

Tony "The Big Dilemma" Romo vs. Smaller TDs Each and Every Week: Each of these teams got off to a hot start and now each team is hovering around the .500 mark. Steve picked the wrong season so avoid EVERY Dallas Cowboy. So he wants to make Dallas Great but doesn't want to be any part of it. Sorta like how Colin Kaepernick wanting change in America but thinks Voting is worthless. If there's one thing about this season it's been league parity, even the Mexican is coming back down to earth. And with a Steve win both these teams would be exactly .500. So I'll go that way, Steve wins when LeVeon and Lamar finally get it together on the same week and give him the 12pts he needs to win with.

BRFs Easily Get Beaten vs #GlassCaseOfEmotion: The current project of both these teams equals how much Anne scored last week. Someone's got to win between these two but your guess is as good as mine. Nevin's a huge Dallas fan and I expect that one to become a shootout so I'll give her the edge in this one. Nevin by 16pts.

Devonta E man vs Victorious Secret: Look at E! Sitting on top of the Division. Although I think everyone in the Legacy division has been 1st place at some point (except me of course). Now, is it enough to actually make the playoffs? Probably not. Eric's been in this spot before, and consistently found a way to make sure he never sees a glimpse of the post season. History can teach us a lot about the future and History has shown that Eric's team will fall with the temperature like he always does. I'll take Histor-E to repeat it self, an E collapse and a Kimmie victory, by 10pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs. The Mexican: I fully expected to lose this matchup. I'm missing my Carr to Cooper connection and Casey's team has been on nothing short of a roll. But if I won everything else I would have a shot at the playoffs. Then last week I ran into a wall bigger than the one Trump wants to build to keep Casey's cousin's out of America. Now I'm in a must win situation. Casey's on a two game losing streak and I'm hoping Cam Newton, my man!, can help me make it three. Keeping my playoff hopes alive for another week. It's David versus Goliath (If Goliath had a small landscaping business) and I need to pull this upset off or else its game over. Shenanigans prevails, by 8pts.

Speedo's and Tomin vs. #MakeAmericaGronkAgain: This one will be a lot of fun to follow. I love the trash talk, love the mind games, love the matchup. Hiro has her Patriots back and maybe Dak actually throws the ball to Dez this week. How is Dak2Dez not a bigger thing?! Shane's team is back to full strength as well, with Big Ben successfully kicking in 9 of 10 bathroom stall doors at practice this week. This one's gonna come down to the wire and I think I gotta go with Shane to edge out Hiro this week. I believe in Shane. I guarantee Shane wins this week. I gotta real solid hunch his team will win. There's no way Shane doesn't win this week. I spoke with Micah, HE also says Shane will win this week. And that dude is always right. Shane by 10pts.

Ordered and watched my first UFC event last night. Money well spent when Hiro shrieked and buried her face in a pillow after Yoel Romero busted open the head of Chris Weidman like a cherry tomato.

Trump: Lil' Jon, You're fired!
Lil Jon: WHAT?!?!?!
Trump: You're Fired!
lil Jon: WHAT?!?!?!?!
Trump: You're fired.
lil jon: OKAY!!!!!!!!!

I would tell my future son or daughter, let them laugh today and then do something about it if it really bothers you.

Lamar Jackson versus Alabama would be incredible to watch. Fingers crossed.

USC has been ruining PAC12 credibility since 2007!

And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 9

Huge story in the NFL this week!!! Huge! Yuuuge! And I'm actually really surprised it didn't get more coverage, or a fine, or at least an investigation by the NFL into who, how and what exactly happened.

I'm not talking about the drop in ratings. Because the league's no longer any fun according to Richard Sherman.

I'm not talking about Tom Brady potentially becoming the MVP and spitting in Roger Goodell's smug face one more time.

Not even who should be the QB1 for the Dallas Cowboys (and God I hope its Romo).

No, this is the story, the NFL story of the century in my opinion.

"You'll put your eye out with that thing!"

Yup, that's no flag. It's a Dildo. Some fan threw a dildo on the field. What a dick.

Now, before we dismiss this as a simple act of juvenile debauchery lets think about everything that happened here for just a moment. 

First off.... what. a. throw! The angle in which this dick hits the turf shows that the fan was most likely in the corner of the stands. You've also got to believe that this wise ass....err penis... err....ass was clever enough not to be sitting in those first few rows (otherwise, he would be discovered quickly). So, most likely this guy was 20-30 yards away, surrounded by bodies, visibility hindered while under pressure and he puts the dildo exactly where only the camera would get it, while not obscuring the play. Given the unpredictable physics of a flying dildo while taking into account the flopping on the field, this was an AMAZING throw. I'd wager only 20 of the league's starting 32 quarterbacks could have squeezed that dildo into such a tight window. This guy could walk on to the Cleveland Browns this week. Probably the Houston Texans too.

Your purse must be bigger than the penis hidden inside.

Secondly, lets talk security. After the tragedy of the Boston Marathon the NFL severely stepped up security through the league. I checked the NFL official guidelines and you can only bring a 1 gallon zip lock back, purchase one of the see through NFL branded tote bags OR one small handbag meeting the following restrictions. Now, they say the NFL is a "game of inches" and even through that is a white Dildo it appears to stretch further than 6.5 inches. I mean he could have crammed that in the handbag but it would have been slightly obvious to security yea? "Sir, is that a dick in your purse?" So thus remains the question, how did this dick get that dick into the stadium?!? Did he have a jacket? It doesn't look that cold out there so wouldn't security obviously pat down the guy in the thick coat on a warm fall day? Or did he just casually walk through security with a dick up his sleeve? Either way, this guy is clearly the Danny Ocean of dildo smuggling. 

And finally, who thinks like this? Who pre-meditates a random act of dildo on live TV to this extent? How much planning goes into such a scheme anyways? Maybe it was a last second decision on his way out the door and now he has a pissed off wife who's most private or purchases went from the back of the sock drawer to national television. OR was it an idea he hatched while taking a shower a few months back, wrote everything down, analyzed all possible outcomes, practiced his dildo throws in secrecy ("Kids, stay out of the back yard for the next hour". Was there a back up dildo hidden away or was this a one shot deal? If he had a back up Dildo would he call it "Dak" or "Tony"? The Dak Up Dildo!

So that's how you throw one!

Turns out our guy has been revealed as long time Bills fan, first time dick thrower @hub_nation. Who is erecting an online empire over the incident. T-shirts, like the one on the right can be purchased for 19.99 and their first official meetup, "The Great Dildo Toss Off" will be rising happening this Monday at the Providence Social in Buffalo. I'm listed as "Maybe" on the Facebook invite. 

I'm glad this story has a happy ending.

But enough foreplay, lets get footballs deep into this weeks MATCHUPS!!! (4-2 last week!) 

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Veto's and Nair: Shane likes to complain. If anyone hasn't noticed. And sometimes he complains specifically about the lack of communication in our league. He wants everyone to contribute like he does, which means more smack talk, more threats, more bets and more weekly collusion. But not everyone is an emotional man-child like Shane and they carry a lot of weight in the very few words (or images) they post. Case in point, my moms. Who waited patiently until after she had soundly defeated Shane last season to send a charming emoji which was her way of saying "I  $%^@ING OWNED YOUR $##". Now, while I am dreading the inevitable wave of inappropriate comments coming my way should he emerge victorious, I can't see a way in which the big bear loses this week's matchup. Big Ben is back, DeMarco is DeHealthy (for now) and after all this drama this week I guarantee Snead finds the endzone because the fantasy gods have been relentlessly punishing since before Donald Trump became a politician. I'm rooting for ya moms but I gotta think you can't upset evil again this year. Shane by 18pts. 

Victorious Half the Time vs #GlassCaseOfEmojis: Since starting 2-1 Carla is riding a streak of 5 losses straight into the basement of the league. This is what happens when your two starting running backs play for Jacksonville and Cleveland. Meanwhile Kim has been up and down all season, riding the hard running of Zeke Elliot while....gambling? on the success of Tim Hightower? This team is a real Jekyll and Hyde. Last week you were a beast, handing the Mexican his first loss. This week, maybe not a Mr. Hyde like last week when you handed the Mexican his first loss, but even Doctor Jekyll is enough of a threat to shatter this emotional case of players. Kimmie wins again, by 14pts.

BRFs Can't Be Traded vs. School of Hard Gronks: Poor Nevin, nobody wants her to trade. Kinda like how nobody wants to actually pay for Kanye album now. So her week rests on the morales of her peers. Will they veto another fair trade agreement, denying her the RB she needs to succeed? Or will avoid digging through the waiver wire bin? We'll know tomorrow, but even with Mr. West on her team, Katie's team is trickier to beat than it looks and after 3 more garbage time Bortles TDs (to make up for Tom Brady's absence) I'll say she edges out Nevin in a close one. Hiro by 8pts. 

TDs and....Losses? vs Devonta Freeman scores again: 

I'm sure Mike misses these days dearly. Back when the TDs were big and plentiful. And in his hands. But unfortunately he has since learned life ends after the age of 30, for us and especially for NFL Running Backs. Now he's still a respectable 5-3 but gone are the days his old war horses gave him blow out victory after blow out victory. And then there's the Atlanta Falcons Devonta "E" Freeman, who's team lives and dies on the offensive success of one particular team. Who performed pretty well actually! I smell an upset this week as E gets a win while Mike continues to deal with lagging TDs. E by 9pts. 

Evil Shenanigans vs The Naughty Nurse: Currently projected as a coin flip, after Matt freakin' Ryans 4 scores and a billion yards against a non existent Tampa D. Anne and I's team has scored the same 803 points this season so far. This one really is anyone's ball game. However, my team has gone from heating up to HE'S ON FIRE! over the last three weeks and I won't let this nurse try to bring my temperature down this week. Evil wins, because good is dumb. By 10pts. 

MakeRomoGreatAgain vs Brad Pitt as "The Mexican"... Who thought that was good casting?: Casey shake and Baker finally felt the sting of defeat last week and is determined not to make it two in a row. The huge game from Mike Evans certainly helps but a banged up TY Hilton and a Jerrick McKinnon sighting doesn't have me hopeful for his chances. Meanwhile, Steve-o isn't exactly at full strength either but I like his odds after T Pryor continues his magic and LeVeon Bell keeps Big Ben from throwing the ball 50 times again. Casey hates it when I underestimate the Mexican but then does something like starts Ryan Tannehill so Steve by 11pts this week!

Whew! This was a long one. But I really had to let that dildo story hang out there. 

Fantastic weekend last week with my first Crossfit competition in over 3 years. 

16 competitors

Event 1: 5th Place, I'm in a world of hurt but feeling good.

Event 2: 6th Place, I never was a fast deadlifter...it's why my back still works.

Event 3: 3rd Place, WOW I am in better shape than I thought I was!!!

Event 4: 12th place, oh no, still a fattie. A few "Z-man sandwiches" away from the podium after all. 

Super proud of my beautiful Hiro who competed as well as a team with her fellow AvengHer. Her goal..."Not dead last" her finish "2nd to dead last" GREAT SUCCESS!!!!! 

Many beers and ribs were consumed afterward. 

Seeing Doctor Strange tonight, really excited to watch Sherlock become a Wizard. 

But first a nap!

The Commish

S.