I'm not talking about the drop in ratings. Because the league's no longer any fun according to Richard Sherman.
I'm not talking about Tom Brady potentially becoming the MVP and spitting in Roger Goodell's smug face one more time.
Not even who should be the QB1 for the Dallas Cowboys (and God I hope its Romo).
No, this is the story, the NFL story of the century in my opinion.
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| "You'll put your eye out with that thing!" |
Yup, that's no flag. It's a Dildo. Some fan threw a dildo on the field. What a dick.
Now, before we dismiss this as a simple act of juvenile debauchery lets think about everything that happened here for just a moment.
First off.... what. a. throw! The angle in which this dick hits the turf shows that the fan was most likely in the corner of the stands. You've also got to believe that this wise ass....err penis... err....ass was clever enough not to be sitting in those first few rows (otherwise, he would be discovered quickly). So, most likely this guy was 20-30 yards away, surrounded by bodies, visibility hindered while under pressure and he puts the dildo exactly where only the camera would get it, while not obscuring the play. Given the unpredictable physics of a flying dildo while taking into account the flopping on the field, this was an AMAZING throw. I'd wager only 20 of the league's starting 32 quarterbacks could have squeezed that dildo into such a tight window. This guy could walk on to the Cleveland Browns this week. Probably the Houston Texans too.
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| Your purse must be bigger than the penis hidden inside. |
Secondly, lets talk security. After the tragedy of the Boston Marathon the NFL severely stepped up security through the league. I checked the NFL official guidelines and you can only bring a 1 gallon zip lock back, purchase one of the see through NFL branded tote bags OR one small handbag meeting the following restrictions. Now, they say the NFL is a "game of inches" and even through that is a white Dildo it appears to stretch further than 6.5 inches. I mean he could have crammed that in the handbag but it would have been slightly obvious to security yea? "Sir, is that a dick in your purse?" So thus remains the question, how did this dick get that dick into the stadium?!? Did he have a jacket? It doesn't look that cold out there so wouldn't security obviously pat down the guy in the thick coat on a warm fall day? Or did he just casually walk through security with a dick up his sleeve? Either way, this guy is clearly the Danny Ocean of dildo smuggling.
And finally, who thinks like this? Who pre-meditates a random act of dildo on live TV to this extent? How much planning goes into such a scheme anyways? Maybe it was a last second decision on his way out the door and now he has a pissed off wife who's most private or purchases went from the back of the sock drawer to national television. OR was it an idea he hatched while taking a shower a few months back, wrote everything down, analyzed all possible outcomes, practiced his dildo throws in secrecy ("Kids, stay out of the back yard for the next hour". Was there a back up dildo hidden away or was this a one shot deal? If he had a back up Dildo would he call it "Dak" or "Tony"? The Dak Up Dildo!
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| So that's how you throw one! |
Turns out our guy has been revealed as long time Bills fan, first time dick thrower @hub_nation. Who is erecting an online empire over the incident. T-shirts, like the one on the right can be purchased for 19.99 and their first official meetup, "The Great Dildo Toss Off" will be rising happening this Monday at the Providence Social in Buffalo. I'm listed as "Maybe" on the Facebook invite.
I'm glad this story has a happy ending.
But enough foreplay, lets get footballs deep into this weeks MATCHUPS!!! (4-2 last week!)
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Veto's and Nair: Shane likes to complain. If anyone hasn't noticed. And sometimes he complains specifically about the lack of communication in our league. He wants everyone to contribute like he does, which means more smack talk, more threats, more bets and more weekly collusion. But not everyone is an emotional man-child like Shane and they carry a lot of weight in the very few words (or images) they post. Case in point, my moms. Who waited patiently until after she had soundly defeated Shane last season to send a charming emoji which was her way of saying "I $%^@ING OWNED YOUR $##". Now, while I am dreading the inevitable wave of inappropriate comments coming my way should he emerge victorious, I can't see a way in which the big bear loses this week's matchup. Big Ben is back, DeMarco is DeHealthy (for now) and after all this drama this week I guarantee Snead finds the endzone because the fantasy gods have been relentlessly punishing since before Donald Trump became a politician. I'm rooting for ya moms but I gotta think you can't upset evil again this year. Shane by 18pts.
Victorious Half the Time vs #GlassCaseOfEmojis: Since starting 2-1 Carla is riding a streak of 5 losses straight into the basement of the league. This is what happens when your two starting running backs play for Jacksonville and Cleveland. Meanwhile Kim has been up and down all season, riding the hard running of Zeke Elliot while....gambling? on the success of Tim Hightower? This team is a real Jekyll and Hyde. Last week you were a beast, handing the Mexican his first loss. This week, maybe not a Mr. Hyde like last week when you handed the Mexican his first loss, but even Doctor Jekyll is enough of a threat to shatter this emotional case of players. Kimmie wins again, by 14pts.
BRFs Can't Be Traded vs. School of Hard Gronks: Poor Nevin, nobody wants her to trade. Kinda like how nobody wants to actually pay for Kanye album now. So her week rests on the morales of her peers. Will they veto another fair trade agreement, denying her the RB she needs to succeed? Or will avoid digging through the waiver wire bin? We'll know tomorrow, but even with Mr. West on her team, Katie's team is trickier to beat than it looks and after 3 more garbage time Bortles TDs (to make up for Tom Brady's absence) I'll say she edges out Nevin in a close one. Hiro by 8pts.
TDs and....Losses? vs Devonta Freeman scores again:
I'm sure Mike misses these days dearly. Back when the TDs were big and plentiful. And in his hands. But unfortunately he has since learned life ends after the age of 30, for us and especially for NFL Running Backs. Now he's still a respectable 5-3 but gone are the days his old war horses gave him blow out victory after blow out victory. And then there's the Atlanta Falcons Devonta "E" Freeman, who's team lives and dies on the offensive success of one particular team. Who performed pretty well actually! I smell an upset this week as E gets a win while Mike continues to deal with lagging TDs. E by 9pts.
Evil Shenanigans vs The Naughty Nurse: Currently projected as a coin flip, after Matt freakin' Ryans 4 scores and a billion yards against a non existent Tampa D. Anne and I's team has scored the same 803 points this season so far. This one really is anyone's ball game. However, my team has gone from heating up to HE'S ON FIRE! over the last three weeks and I won't let this nurse try to bring my temperature down this week. Evil wins, because good is dumb. By 10pts.
MakeRomoGreatAgain vs Brad Pitt as "The Mexican"... Who thought that was good casting?: Casey shake and Baker finally felt the sting of defeat last week and is determined not to make it two in a row. The huge game from Mike Evans certainly helps but a banged up TY Hilton and a Jerrick McKinnon sighting doesn't have me hopeful for his chances. Meanwhile, Steve-o isn't exactly at full strength either but I like his odds after T Pryor continues his magic and LeVeon Bell keeps Big Ben from throwing the ball 50 times again. Casey hates it when I underestimate the Mexican but then does something like starts Ryan Tannehill so Steve by 11pts this week!
Whew! This was a long one. But I really had to let that dildo story hang out there.
Fantastic weekend last week with my first Crossfit competition in over 3 years.
16 competitors
Event 1: 5th Place, I'm in a world of hurt but feeling good.
Event 2: 6th Place, I never was a fast deadlifter...it's why my back still works.
Event 3: 3rd Place, WOW I am in better shape than I thought I was!!!
Event 4: 12th place, oh no, still a fattie. A few "Z-man sandwiches" away from the podium after all.
Super proud of my beautiful Hiro who competed as well as a team with her fellow AvengHer. Her goal..."Not dead last" her finish "2nd to dead last" GREAT SUCCESS!!!!!
Many beers and ribs were consumed afterward.
Seeing Doctor Strange tonight, really excited to watch Sherlock become a Wizard.
But first a nap!
The Commish
S.
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