The Commish Report: Week 4

Late Commish report is late.

Great Saturday evening here in KC. College football on the TV. Commish report on the lapper. Demolished a massive plate of KC's finest BBQ, the Andy Reid size. Midwest living at its finest.

Alright Glennon, lets see who you REALLY are?!

Tomorrow should be a pretty good week of NFL action. Hopefully. So far most games have been soccer level exciting but I expect this week to be different. Apparently September is the new Pre-season but now everyone has their head out of their ass and will play the type of football we expect and love. How else could you explain Trevor Siemian as a top 10 QB?

Welcome to the first round of cross divisional action. Normally this is just a blood bath, where the Crossfitters simply pad their win/loss record at Legacy's expense. Feels like a bit more parity this season. Feels like it...

Lets get to the matchups quickly before these ribs hit the lining of my stomach, spreading BBQ sauce and greasy pork-ness throughout. Creating the age old condition called the "Itis". (4-2 last week, Anne's fault for letting me down)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! TDs and Beers vs Hard Gronk Life: Usually when a cop comes across a minority it doesn't really end well but this half asian is 3-0. Mike's off to a great start leaving Cobb on the bench but his firepower at RB mixed with sneaky good Tyrod Taylor is basically excessive force. Katie has her man Tom though, who has been real pissed off since MY Chiefs made a fool out of him in the opener. Each team has a white guy, each team has a Cooks, each team currently projected over 100pts. This one's gonna be close! Katie's gonna need to fight a lot better than her cat Charlie does because when the Police are like 1,546 - 0 against minority opponents it doesn't look good. Mike by 3pts.

Doug Hates Kim vs The Elders: One team is 3-0 and the other is 0-3. Pretty much all you need to know about this one. Shaner keeps rolling this week as Steve doesn't have a mormons prayer in the world. Shane by 15pts.

Devonta Freeman vs Naughty Nurse: How the hell did I lose to E? Cam can't lift his arm, Witten is 40, Hyde plays for the Niners and HOW THE HELL DID I LOSE TO THIS GARBAGE?! Meanwhile Anne's team is championship caliber. Brees, Cooper, Hill, Mr. Anderson, hell even her Kicker is a top 3 Kicker! Tell Steve I pick Anne in our knockout pool. Anne wins this one by a significant margin.

Evil Shenanigans vs BYE Weeks Can't Be Beat: While Jordy went and had himself a day I don't believe Mike Glennon plays on the other 31 NFL teams so Kareem, Evans, Parker and Russell are gonna be more than enough to keep Nevin winless for another week. Shenanigans by 15pts.

Super Mariota Kart vs Spanish and Awe: After losing his first 3 matchups Casey's gonna have to fight like a Mexican to turn his season around. Apparently that means owning every WR1 he can get his hands on. Jones, Thomas, Hopkins, Hilton, and I guess Bryant. The problem is none of those guys play QB, RB or TE. Which are real holes on his squad. Mexican luck however, he draws my sister's team who's already having a rough week with Ty Montgomery's rib injury and..... mmmmmmm ribs... and I think Casey has just enough WRs to win it. Assuming he picks the right ones. Casey by 1 Dez Bryant TD.

I LOVE CAPS LOCK vs Officer Hops: Katie's watching Zootopia. Great movie. But I digress. Kim's chances of a threepeat are looking slim after a 1-2 start. Her squad looks good but habitually underperforms. Is this the week she pulls it together? My mom's team lives and dies by the Packers. If it wasn't for Trevathan she would have gotten a lot more out of Adams. She still has Gronk and a few others and I think Ajaja gets his against the Saints in London but there's a lot of tough matchups for her to over come. I expect low scores and a narrow victory by DOGS. Hey two championships in a row is a noteworthy thing and all but this is a different year. DOGS by 4pts.

Just quit and go home fuzzy bunny!

Lonzo Ball listens to his own shitty music during pre-game.
And that's all you need to know about Lonzo Ball.

"It's like Woodstock except everyone has their clothes on." - Mike Leach.

The Commish.
S.

The Commish Report: Week 3

How bout them Cowboys? haha! Greatest offensive line my left foot. And Zeke absolutely quit on his team.

I know it's early but it looks like another year of domination by the Crossfit division over the Legacy teams. First round of cross divisional play happens next week.

^My fantasy football life in a nutshell

Long week at work = a Short Report, so onto the MATCHUPS!!! (4-2 last week, Kareem!)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Doug Hates Him vs. Doug Probably Hates Mike Too: Ungrateful dog. Two of our three Undefeateds square off against each other in what Jim Ross would obviously call "A slobberknocker!". Shane's riding the Wentz-Wagon and pulling wideouts off the bench like a 6th man while Mike just beat his wife with no remorse. I'm still full of running back envy every time I look at Mike's squad but I believe this is the week McCaffery figures it out which is great news for Shane and bad news for the rest of us. I'll take Shane in this one, by 13 white running back points.

Evil Shenanigans vs DOGS GONE WILD: If Jordan Howard were a combat pilot he'd already be busted down to flying cargo planes full of rubber dog #$%@ out of Hong Kong. Seriously! He's dragging my otherwise awesome team down into the gutter. And I was one pick away from getting Gurly Power. Dammit Shane. Meanwhile, my mom has turned a rather suspect draft into a sneaky good squad. She's projected to break 100 and defeat me but we all know my opinion of those projection numbers. Shenanigans prevail by 8pts.

BRFs Can't Be Beat vs Shock and Spanish: Ladies and gentleman I present to you our early Sacko Bowl favorites. I know Casey's squad is bad but is it NEVIN level bad??!? Ay Bendito! Someone is getting their first win and if history has taught us anything it's this....Casey by 19pts.

Naughty Nurse vs Glitter Farts: Andrew Luck is not playing NFL football in 2017. Years from now NFL films will have a special on "what might have been" featuring Andrew Luck, whose life and career was cut short because of a horrible offensive line. Might as well drop him now. Luckily for her the rest of Kimmie's squad is fairly formidable and only going to get better when Doug Martin comes back. He has the best NFL nickname ever too... Muscle Hamster. Anne's squad is pretty great too but no good nicknames over there. So I'll give the nod to Kim in a high scoring and close affair. Kim by 5pts.

The Elders vs Mariota Kart: I was so worried about Steve lucking out into a full time Zeke but perhaps that was an overreaction since Zeke not only quit on the cowboys last week but quit on Steve as well. Is this the week he gets back to hitting holes like he hits.....ah too soon? Carla's squad isn't bad, but her key players are facing a lot of tough defenses including the one she has. That's never a winning strategy. I gotta believe Steve finally gets a win when his woman beater helps him beat his woman. Ha! Steve by 14pts.

Hard Gronk Life vs Devonta Freeman: 5 other managers have more points than Katie but of course she's in 2nd place. Eric put up over a hundred points against me last week so undoubtedly he'll struggle to break 60 this week. Hiro keeps the win streak going with more unbelievable luck. Hiro by 10pts.

I'm not convinced at all the Ducks have returned to form. The real tests await in October.

Excited to have my nephew visiting in a few more weeks. Stephen, big head on the boy. Hope he likes BBQ and Breweries as much as I do.

Even more exciting is I (FINALLY) get to see one of my favorite bands, Gorillaz, this Friday at the Sprint center in KC. Definitely in my top 3 personal favorite bands.

• Gorillaz (2001) - I'm 17 years old romping around the valley in my friend Nathan's dad's classic mustang to this album. One day we broke 90mph. 
• Demon Dayz (2005) - Accidentally stole this from my little cousin. I'm probably committing other crimes as well but nothing too serious.
• Plastic Beach (2009) - Obsessed with this album. It's my jam as I drive out to Ashland for AMFs and a Slice of Pep with Eric and others. I actually first met Shane on one of these such nights. Thought he was kind of a dick. I'd confirm this years later. 
• Humanz (2017) - It's a weird year, a reality TV star is president. He threatens ESPN over twitter. 

The future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 2

Life feels so much more complete in the Fall.

If anyone ever tells you that football doesn't matter, here's how you respond.

(This is one of the best things I read this offseason.)

In 1970, with 4 games left in their season the Buffalo Bills lost to the Boston Patriots, when Quarterback James Harris narrowly missed his WR in the end-zone as time expired. This gave them a 3-10-1 record and the first pick in the 1971 draft, which they used to select Running Back O.J. Simpson. OJ stays in Buffalo and meets a woman named Nicole Brown, he proceeds to marry and murder her a few years later...."allegedly". He hires a team of attorneys to beat the murder charge including a man named Robert Kardashian. This makes the name Kardashian interesting when his daughter, Kim, leaks a sex tape and becomes a media sensation. So basically that one Buffalo Bills incomplete pass in 1970 is the reason we have to deal with the Kardashains today. Because if they had won that game they wouldn't have had the first round pick so OJ never would have met Nicole and thus never "allegedly" kill her (he did) which would have prevented the name Kardashian from ever being a subject in Modern culture. God damn you Buffalo Bills. You're responsible for this.

And yea, every NFL game matters.

Probably the best part of NFL's Week 1

Let us indulge in some week 1 overreactions.

Alex Smith is twice the QB Tom Brady ever was.
LeVeon Bell....or should I say LeVeon Bust?
Cooper Kupp is the passing threat the Rams have needed.
OBJ should be the highest paid player in the league.
The Seattle Seahawks are a dumpster fire.
I'm making a triumphant return to the Fantasy Playoff Picture.
My KC Chiefs are going to the Superbowl.

We've only just begun.

Lets talk week 2 Matchups! (3-3 last week, even money)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! Another round of Hot Cop on Cop Action: Mike can't play with his Johnson anymore after a vicious wrist injury, something that hasn't happened to him since the Summer of '87. That won't keep him from fantasizing about TDs as always this week, just... not his wife's, as the defending champion is his formidable week 2 opponent. Kimmie got a big week 1 win over the Mexican AND she gets OBJ and Jay Ajayjay into the fold. That's enough for me to give her the nod this week and take her record against Mike to a dominating 5-2 all time. Kimmie by 8pts.

Hard Gronk Life vs Super Mariota Kart: Two great teams with two great team name puns go head to head this week. Katie beat up on my mom last week and now wants to do the same to my sister. She's part of the family already. Meanwhile, Carla suffered a brutal week one loss to.... wait..... what?.... HOLY COW. Carla won!? That's pretty surprising. Dammit I had something for this. What won't be surprising this week is a pissed off Patriots team playing a Big Easy game against, in my opinion, a pretty terrible Saints team. Cooks will be wanting revenge against his old team and Brady has nobody else to throw to. That's more than enough to say Katie gets the win here, by 14pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs Only Jets Fan Left: E seems to have regressed to his old form, putting up a gentleman's 60 some odd points in week 1. That's the E I know and love. Meanwhile my squad, the KaDream Team (working title), put up the 2nd most amount of points in week one and I did that without any of my WRs who I get back this week. This is my final form and it looks amazing. Evil prevails by 33....nah make that 53 points.

The Naughty Nurse vs Anne: Disappointing week 1's for both these squads. I really thought Nevin was gonna get the win over Shane but then I remembered Adrian Peterson ain't shit at 32 years old. I'm 33 (Jesus Year!) and I can barely get out of bed most days. Getting old really sucks. I really believe in Anne's squad and, while I'm not sure what happened last week, I believe she gets the win this week and many more weeks to come. Anne wins by 10pts.

DOGS RUNNING CAPS LOCK vs The Book of Mormon: Another two teams looking to bounce back after experiencing devastating week 1 losses, especially Steve. His strength is obviously at Running back with Zeke and Shady....but both those players facing stout defenses in Carolina and Denver. Meanwhile, my mom hit the waiver wire hard and brought gems Golladay and Williams into the fold. Williams, who i expect to get more carries that people believe, is facing the Colts. Also her Packers are facing the Falcons and the over/under of that tilt is 53.5. I'll take the over and call the upset, DOGS over Mormons by 9pts this week.

The Mexican vs The Mountain: This matchup is a coin flip. We have probably the best trio of RBs (Gordon, McCaffery, Gurley) against the best trio of WRs (Jones, Thomas, Diggs). Probably with each of these teams is the drop off at talent in all other positions! C. Davis? Never heard of him. I'm gonna give the nod to Shaner in this one simply because that Cleveland defense is the real deal and while Julio will get his, Belicheat is gonna take Thomas out of the equation leaving Casey a few apples short of a bundle. Is that even a saying? Shane by 5pts.

STAT OF THE DAY: Ben Roethlisberger is now the winningest Quarterback in Cleveland Browns stadium history (since 1999)...More wins there than any Browns QB!

Ben's big win, Tyreek Hill's big night plus Zeke getting to play all year, it was a big week for women abusers. Can't wait to see what Joe Mixon does in week 2.

And here he is....having....THE NIGHT OF HIS LIFE.

The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Has a Net Worth of Over $450 Million. Damnit Buffalo.

If you want a great show to watch check out "Glow" on Netflix. Fantastic acting based on a true story.

Also Bojack Horseman for those who don't know. Animal people jokes never stop being funny to me.

I want to see your face on billboards you beautiful non-sensical clown prince!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 1

Welcome sports fans to another season of Fantasy Football.

A tradition unlike any other.

First, a recap.

Where were you when Atlanta blew a 25pt lead?

In almost every way, last season was such a kick in the dick. Capped off by that Superbowl. Oh god that Superbowl. Let me set the stage for you guys. Hiro and I decide to host some friends at our place. Handful of her lady-coworkers are coming over. Meanwhile, Costco has a sale on some pre-made marg mix and I get waaaaay too carried away purchasing it. Cause chicks dig margs right?? So 4 handles of this stuff come home with me. (Gotta justify that membership somehow right?). I then fill up this MASSIVE I don't know what you'd call it. It's like a lemonade pitcher with a pouring spout. It's bigger than my 14lb cat. I don't even know how we own this thing. It belongs in a doctors office, really, but instead I fill that beast to the rim with a few blocks of ice and gallons of Kirkland's finest marg mix. Our guests arrive.....and no one drinks it. Not a drop. They hate Margs. Some say they've quit drinking. WTF. They don't even care. But god dammit I'm gonna get my money's worth right? So I'm pounding this stuff. Seriously. A drink for every Atlanta point scored. Happily watching the team I hate the most, the New England Cheaters, just get demolished by Matty Ice and company.

Then things got ugly.

Not sure what punched me in the gut worse. Atlanta blowing that lead or those margs coming back up in a hurry. But I ended the 2016 football season in the fetal position. Surrounded by 2 concerned cats while chasing dinosaurs from the bathroom floor and cursing Tom Brady's name. That my friends, is my football rock bottom.

Good riddance to that season, hello 2017.

Few bold predictions about this season.

- Andrew Luck won't see the field until October, Colts win less than 5 games this season. Seriously, the terrible offense line of the Colts has cut this star's career short a few years already. The surgery he had, only one of 39 MLB pitchers return successfully from that same surgery. They gotta start thinking long term with this guy and there's no rush to put him back out there to get further destroyed.

- Jay Cutler will play surprisingly well. Fins return to the Playoffs. Lets face it, Tannehill's shoes aren't tough to fill. No one will notice the difference. Plus they get to play the Jets and Bills twice a year so that's 4 wins right there!

- Patriots will NOT repeat. I'll take the field.

- Dallas regresses, goes 8-8. This may change should Elliot play all 16. They lost a ton of talent in the offseason and most rookies regress their sophomore year.

- Cam Newton returns to form. Seems to be his pattern. On one season, off the next season. They're a fun team to watch when he's good and even more fun to watch when he's falling apart. NFC South is loaded this year. Current best division in the NFL.

- Kanas City Chiefs are going to the Superbowl! You heard me.

Enough NFL, lets talk Fantasy!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Shock N Spanish vs. The Defending Champion: Last season was Baker's year. Taking an 11-2 record into the playoffs, he looked unbeatable. But the end of 2016 was a dark time for all Mexicans and it was a bubbly white woman holding our newly minted championship belt over her head while a 3rd place half Mexican simply went back to standing outside of Home Depot. No me gusto. Can he recreate some of that brown magic from last season or will Kim take her first step toward a three-peat? Glitter farts drafted 3 players who won't see action in week 1 and I'm pretty sure OBJ will be one of them. The Mexican steals this one after a huge game by Julio. Also half Mexican. Casey by 14pts.

Naughty Nurse vs. TDs And Beers: The best indicator of a great draft is NOT those stupid report cards from Yahoo but rather, the week 1 projection. And nobody has a higher week 1 projection than Anne. Her team is indeed stacked. Cooper, Hill, Bell, Brees, Walker AND even Mr. Anderson is an unfair lineup. Mike may have finally drafted the right David Johnson but I don't believe that will be enough to overcome a great draft from Anne. Or dare I say Mason? NaughtyNurse by 11pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Hard Gronk Life: Each manager has a set strategy. Pick your favorite QB and then hope for the best. Well, Hiro got her Brady and my mom got her Rodgers. Rodgers is clearly the better QB but when I break down the supporting cast for each it doesn't bode well for my mom. Gronk is a great pick but for him to go off means Tom is throwing those (deflated?) balls his way. Plus there's Antonio Brown. Who is good. Real good. So I'll take Gronk Life to get this week 1 win. Gronk by 19pts.

Devonta Freeman vs Super Mariota Kart: Gotta love it when people draft the player that is their team's namesake. At least Carla was creative about it, but I guess a lack of creativity is what makes E want to look at spreadsheets for a living. Man, I'll really miss having Erics playoff drought as something to joke about. He finally saw the post season last year and now i have no jokes. Seriously. That was like 80% of my content. Gotta find some new jokes. In the meantime, I don't believe in Carlos Hyde (Or any 49er this year) but I can see Eric winning this by 10pts.

BRFs Can't Be Beat vs. Doug Hates Kim: Is this my favorite new team name? Yes. Of course it is. I hate that dog. Shane drafted a nice couple of WRs, but will they be good enough to overcome being overthrown all day by Bortles and Scott Toilzen (sp? I'm not gonna bother looking that one up)? Doubtful. Meanwhile, Nevin picked up every cowboy she could get her hands on, except the one that matters. Dez will finish again outside of the top 25 WRs in fantasy like he did last season.....and the season before that one. Not a lot to like about either squad, except that team name 👍 which is good enough for me to say Shane wins this week, 15pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs The Elders: Ahhh Mormon Jokes, will we ever run out? Steve may not be master of his own Mormon universe anytime soon but he may have gotten the steal of the draft. Zeke, for all 16 games, in the 2nd round. Pairing him with Shady for a very scary one-two punch at RB. I can only hope the courts are slow enough to keep Zeke off the field week 1. But can't anyone believe Zeke's gonna miss 6 games after the NFLs complete bungling of the situation over the last few weeks. What can never be suspended? My undying fantasy optimism. Shenanigans prevails week 1 by 10pts.

Enjoy Thursday Night's season kickoff when MY Kansas City Chiefs shock the world with an upset of New England in New England.

I can't stop watching this.

Can I kick it?

No, Roberto Aguayo, no you can't kick it.

77pts?! GO DUCKS!

The Commish
S.