If anyone ever tells you that football doesn't matter, here's how you respond.
(This is one of the best things I read this offseason.)
In 1970, with 4 games left in their season the Buffalo Bills lost to the Boston Patriots, when Quarterback James Harris narrowly missed his WR in the end-zone as time expired. This gave them a 3-10-1 record and the first pick in the 1971 draft, which they used to select Running Back O.J. Simpson. OJ stays in Buffalo and meets a woman named Nicole Brown, he proceeds to marry and murder her a few years later...."allegedly". He hires a team of attorneys to beat the murder charge including a man named Robert Kardashian. This makes the name Kardashian interesting when his daughter, Kim, leaks a sex tape and becomes a media sensation. So basically that one Buffalo Bills incomplete pass in 1970 is the reason we have to deal with the Kardashains today. Because if they had won that game they wouldn't have had the first round pick so OJ never would have met Nicole and thus never "allegedly" kill her (he did) which would have prevented the name Kardashian from ever being a subject in Modern culture. God damn you Buffalo Bills. You're responsible for this.
And yea, every NFL game matters.
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| Probably the best part of NFL's Week 1 |
Let us indulge in some week 1 overreactions.
Alex Smith is twice the QB Tom Brady ever was.
LeVeon Bell....or should I say LeVeon Bust?
Cooper Kupp is the passing threat the Rams have needed.
OBJ should be the highest paid player in the league.
The Seattle Seahawks are a dumpster fire.
I'm making a triumphant return to the Fantasy Playoff Picture.
My KC Chiefs are going to the Superbowl.
We've only just begun.
Lets talk week 2 Matchups! (3-3 last week, even money)
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! Another round of Hot Cop on Cop Action: Mike can't play with his Johnson anymore after a vicious wrist injury, something that hasn't happened to him since the Summer of '87. That won't keep him from fantasizing about TDs as always this week, just... not his wife's, as the defending champion is his formidable week 2 opponent. Kimmie got a big week 1 win over the Mexican AND she gets OBJ and Jay Ajayjay into the fold. That's enough for me to give her the nod this week and take her record against Mike to a dominating 5-2 all time. Kimmie by 8pts.
Hard Gronk Life vs Super Mariota Kart: Two great teams with two great team name puns go head to head this week. Katie beat up on my mom last week and now wants to do the same to my sister. She's part of the family already. Meanwhile, Carla suffered a brutal week one loss to.... wait..... what?.... HOLY COW. Carla won!? That's pretty surprising. Dammit I had something for this. What won't be surprising this week is a pissed off Patriots team playing a Big Easy game against, in my opinion, a pretty terrible Saints team. Cooks will be wanting revenge against his old team and Brady has nobody else to throw to. That's more than enough to say Katie gets the win here, by 14pts.
Evil Shenanigans vs Only Jets Fan Left: E seems to have regressed to his old form, putting up a gentleman's 60 some odd points in week 1. That's the E I know and love. Meanwhile my squad, the KaDream Team (working title), put up the 2nd most amount of points in week one and I did that without any of my WRs who I get back this week. This is my final form and it looks amazing. Evil prevails by 33....nah make that 53 points.
The Naughty Nurse vs Anne: Disappointing week 1's for both these squads. I really thought Nevin was gonna get the win over Shane but then I remembered Adrian Peterson ain't shit at 32 years old. I'm 33 (Jesus Year!) and I can barely get out of bed most days. Getting old really sucks. I really believe in Anne's squad and, while I'm not sure what happened last week, I believe she gets the win this week and many more weeks to come. Anne wins by 10pts.
DOGS RUNNING CAPS LOCK vs The Book of Mormon: Another two teams looking to bounce back after experiencing devastating week 1 losses, especially Steve. His strength is obviously at Running back with Zeke and Shady....but both those players facing stout defenses in Carolina and Denver. Meanwhile, my mom hit the waiver wire hard and brought gems Golladay and Williams into the fold. Williams, who i expect to get more carries that people believe, is facing the Colts. Also her Packers are facing the Falcons and the over/under of that tilt is 53.5. I'll take the over and call the upset, DOGS over Mormons by 9pts this week.
The Mexican vs The Mountain: This matchup is a coin flip. We have probably the best trio of RBs (Gordon, McCaffery, Gurley) against the best trio of WRs (Jones, Thomas, Diggs). Probably with each of these teams is the drop off at talent in all other positions! C. Davis? Never heard of him. I'm gonna give the nod to Shaner in this one simply because that Cleveland defense is the real deal and while Julio will get his, Belicheat is gonna take Thomas out of the equation leaving Casey a few apples short of a bundle. Is that even a saying? Shane by 5pts.
STAT OF THE DAY: Ben Roethlisberger is now the winningest Quarterback in Cleveland Browns stadium history (since 1999)...More wins there than any Browns QB!
Ben's big win, Tyreek Hill's big night plus Zeke getting to play all year, it was a big week for women abusers. Can't wait to see what Joe Mixon does in week 2.
And here he is....having....THE NIGHT OF HIS LIFE.
If you want a great show to watch check out "Glow" on Netflix. Fantastic acting based on a true story.
Also Bojack Horseman for those who don't know. Animal people jokes never stop being funny to me.
I want to see your face on billboards you beautiful non-sensical clown prince!
The Commish
S.
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