The Commish Report: Week 8

Kiko Alonso is a stupid, stupid man.

Not because of the hit. No not that. The NFL’s coddling of quarterbacks now puts the onus of safety 100 percent on the defender. Which is the equivalent of making your bartender your AA sponsor. Alonso is a tackling machine just doing his job of stopping the runner. Between the start of the slide and the time of the hit, Kiko has a total of maybe .39 seconds to determine that A) Flacco is in fact sliding and B) must alter and/or halt his full-speed momentum in a way that doesn’t physically touch the quarterback. It took Katie and I roughly 97 minutes to pick what we wanted for dinner tonight. That hit is not Kiko's fault, it's the fault of NFL rules and Quarterbacks gaming that system.

But Kiko Alonso is still a stupid, stupid man.

Nobody outside of Maryland ever agreed with this.

Why you ask? Because if you're the Miami Dolphins, and you want to win this game, taking out Joe Flacco is a horrible strategy! Flacco has gone from throwing the Mile High Miracle during the championship run to not being able to complete a simple screen pass. He statistically ranks below the  Mike Glennon and Brian Hoyer were at the time of their benching. Before Thursday night's tilt, his QBR for the season was 30.0. So why even bother trying to take Flacco out of a game you're trying to win? You want him behind center, missing screen passes and lobbing it up for your defensive backs. Kiko Alonso, great tackler but seriously lacks situational awareness. Which is why he's a stupid man.

On to this week's matchups! (3-3 last week, stupid.)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! TDs and Byes vs NaughtyNurse: Fournette and a weak schedule enabled Mike to ride a months worth of wins to the top of the heap. But now he faces a strong Anne team with an unfournette case of the BYE week keeping his money maker out of lineup. Meanwhile, the Hansen household is looking over at Brees and Bell and their sweet matchups like easy money. Leaving that Tucker on the bench was a mistake but I've got to believe Anne will be able to kick Mike while he's down this week and maybe even take over 1st place while she's at it! NaughtyNurse gets the not-so-upset win by 15pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Hiro in a Half Shell: Normally this would be a short write up with a Katie win. Mom's team just hasn't been the same since Rodgers went down. But then 29 defensive points from the B-more Defense makes this matchup interesting. The problem with both these teams are the Running backs. Of the 5 running backs in this matchup none of them has more fantasy points than Dalvin Cook does. Think about that for a sec. Someone's gotta win this matchup however and I'll give the nod to my Mom to get a win this week. Mostly because I watched this amazing clueless gamer episode that should get Aaron Rodgers 29 points as well. DOGS by 5pts.

BRFs Can't Be Beat vs. 90s Buffalo Bills: HAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaaaaaaaa.... Shane by 40.

Evil Shenanigans vs. The Elders: Twice now I've thought I may not have to face Zeke and Steve (Steke?) and twice now I've had the US justice system let me down. I'm a victim here! I need all 40pts from Kareem Hunt back in week 1 to beat Steve's 2 headed running back monster and this time around he has Amari Cooper thanks to the most ridiculous thing a Hansen has ever done since naming a song "mmmbop". I'll need more magic from Kareem, something I've been missing in recent weeks, as well as Cooper to go back to being week 1 Cooper to win this one but I'm as optimistic this week as any other week of the season. Shenanigans by 5pts.

Not Making the Playoffs vs. Also Not Making the Playoffs: E has apparently thrown in the towel already while Carla's team started off hot and fizzled quickly. Each is looking for a glimmer of hope to feel like their season is turning around and one of them is bout to get it because someone has to win, right? I think the stat of this game belongs to Eric. The last time Cam Newton had a press conference go wrong he responded the following game with 3 TDs and 300+ yards passing and in case you missed it this week's press conference didn't go so well either. E wins by 10 Cam press conference points.

Shock y Mexico vs Victorious Secrets: Kimmie is patting herself on the back for playing CJ Mosely but she should be kicking herself for starting Ajajaja more. Her RB1 has had single digit weeks 5 of the last 7 outings but some god damn how she's on a 4 game win streak regardless. Casey's only divisional win is against the BRFs and I think that trend continues because, in my best Doctor Ian Malcom voice, "Uhhh Glitterfart's team uhhh somehow uhhh finds a way." Kimmie by 8pts.

Who's excited from Stranger Things 2?!
Really hoping Eleven discovers pancakes.
That'd be wild.

˙S
ɥsᴉɯɯoɔ ǝɥʇ

The Commish Report: Week 7

It was a dark and stormy night in KC...

Short report tonight as it's been an unusually full week and I haven't thought much at all about football. Some good friends of ours got married yesterday, great party, and then this morning I participated in my first footrace in years. To that kid who ran the all 10K with that massive symbolic backpack on, I GOT YOU GOOD YOU SONUVABITCH!!! I passed him (finally) at the home stretch after thinking he got away from me somewhere around mile 3. I believe he was running for cancer or scholarships or the shriners or something? Anyways, Loser. Beat ya.

BOO! Matchups! (3 for 3 last week, same as my record. I lead in points. Sigh.)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Evil Shenanigans versus Hard Gronk Life: Storms brewing in KC this weekend in more ways than one when Katie and I go head to head this week. Pretty confident she's even got the cats working against me. My football week feels ruined already because of those GD refs from thursday nights game. I know it's October and all but I saw far too many ghost.... holding calls. It was frightening. That ending felt like the Refs were like "No, no, no! Do it again Oakland and do it right this time!". Ugh. But I digress. Hiro's whole week rests on what should be a fun Superbowl Rematch this Sunday night. They can't blow another lead to Brady and Co can they?! They learned from their humiliating loss?? They will come out ready to kill them right?? I'm counting on it! Falcons redeem and Shenanigans prevail by 11pts.

I think her Cat...

...is plotting...

...my death.

90's Bills vs. NaughtyMason: Honestly, how do you drop A. Cooper to waiver wires? I want to pick against Manneson just because of that alone. But then Tyreek Hill had himself a game and Shane's two RB money makers are facing the 1st and 3rd best run defenses in the league. So I'll go Anne here, by 125 yards and 1 TD.

Victorious Secrets vs BYE weeks can't be beat: Glitter Farts and her hubbie are each on 3 game win streaks. Their ugly dog must be so proud. I don't see Kim's getting busted this week, even if Staci actually updated her roster. Kimmie enjoys her BYE and wins by 20pts.

CARRS RUNNING WILD vs. Carrla: No Rodgers? No problem. 30pts from her bench QB has the DOGS squad cruising. Meanwhile, Carla looks to get her broke down Mariota Kart back up and running this week but I don't believe the rest of her team will have enough gas in the tank. DOGS won't take her foot off the gas along the road to victory this week by 10pts and I could do these puns all night!

The Elders vs Devonte Freeman: The Zeke thing is going to drag out all year isn't it? GD Cowboys ruin everything. Eric's team is actually a lot better than his 2-4 record might suggest and Steve doesn't deserve to get picked this week because when you find Amari gold on the waiver wire, you have to play him right? Right!? Eric by 2 Devonte Touchdowns.

Shock Y Spanish vs. MICHAEL CRABTREE IS A PUNK!: Dodgers in the World Series! Irish beating USC! The 49ers......err.....Dodgers in the World Series! Sports life couldn't be much better for the Mexican and even though Marshawn got ejected for conduct of a hooligan, I'm going to call a shocking upset and say the Mexican finds a way against Mike's red hot squad. Hopefully I'm right and his teams brings dollars to the table, not pesos. Casey by 4pts.

Favorite Twitter Joke of the Month:



The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 6

Hey Sportsfans!

The Internet remains undefeated this season.

So many great stories in the NFL this week but nothing, and I mean nothing, tops what happened in Miami.

Lets review the sequence of events. Shall we?

Dude decides to cheat on his wife using "escorts".

Dude decides to snort a ton of cocaine. But hey, if your job was protecting Jay Cutler wouldn't you?

Dude decides to make a video of him snorting said cocaine.

Dude sends video of him snorting said cocaine to one of the escorts from earlier.

Dude then threatens the life of said escort should she choose to use the cocaine snorting video he sent against him.

Escort releases said video to the press. Not so much because of his threats to her life, but rather "My motive was to basically expose the inequalities in the system," she said. "It’s not just the NFL. The inequalities that come with being a minority compared with a white privileged person in America in general. This is shining light on the inequalities we have as a country. We don’t get paid the same amount as everyone else."

Escort is the Colin Kaepernick of Las Vegas escorts.

This and Jay Cutler are why the Dolphins are last in the division.

It's only the 6th week of the season.

Lets snort up some of this week's Matchups!!! (4-2 by Shane last week, nobody's perfect)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Shane vs. Kim: Eli and Brady, Aaron Rodgers and the Dallas Cowboys, The 90s and The Buffalo Bills, Victorious Secrets and Shane. Everyone has their Kryptonite and Shane's is coated in glitter. And while their overall record is evenly split (3-3), twice Kim has been the only thing keeping Shane from the Championship. We owe her more than we could ever repay her. This one is going to be a close one. While those 2 Thursday TDs Ertz Shane's chances to win, you can't have 3 of your top 4 picks on the bench and expect to win against the #1 ranked team. Kim's feeling the hangover of two time championships and Shane takes the advantage this week even after giving away McCaffery for pennies on the dollar. Shaner by 5pts.

Zeke & Destroy vs. Hiro in a Half Shell: Katie started off with 3 wins and then lost her last 2. Steve started off with 3 losses and won his last 2. Now these two are on a collision course for probably 1st place in the NFC East, i.e. softest division in the league. Here's a hot take I realized the other day, is Eli Manning the worst QB in his division? If you were starting a team today and had to take Prescott, Wentz, Cousins or Him which would you pick? If your defense was playing said Eli Manning and the scrubs he'll be throwing the ball at this week are you probably going to win? Yes, yes you are. Hiro by the 20pts her defense will score.

Beauty and The Mexican Beast: Hottest team in our league right now? The Mexican! After doing some wheelin' and dealin' as only a mexican could, Casey's team is on a 3 week win streak and rapidly climbing out of the nevin cellar he was in. Now he's facing Anne's teams who has just been wildly inconsistent as inconsistent has get. Can she break 100pts? Yes. Can she score 70? Also yes. Which will it be this week? She dropped Cooper for Aghlaor and he grabbed a score, which makes her look like a genius. But it's hard not to bet on the hot handed mexican to find himself another victory on his improbable run to the top. Casey by 9pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs. Busted Mariota Kart: Consecutive losses aren't fun but nothing cures a case of shattered fantasy confidence like a visiting Mariota squad thats missing its Mariota. DeMarco doesn't scare like he used to and Montgomery lost his starting job. However, I have a bad track record against bad team. Fun fact, both one win teams in our league got their one win against me. Is Carla's team, who started off hot, now bad enough to beat me? God I hope not. Shenanigans by 10pts.

Dak Dat Pass Up vs. A TDs Man: Odds of Nevin forgetting to fill out her roster every week are the same odds of Mike winning this matchup. 92%. Mike by bunches.

Woe is E vs. DOGS RUNNING WILD: Did Cam Newton find a way to break his projection without throwing much at all Funchess's way? Yes. Will Eric still find a way to lose this matchup? Also yes. DOGS by 7pts.

Great week with Carla, Steve and Stephen in KC this week. They left today and my heart is full from their visit (as well as my stomach and my liver). I got the rare opportunity to bond with my little nephew. Sharp kid. Huge head. Here's a recap of what I learned.

Likes:
Elevators moving up
The Utah Utes *sigh*
Pumpkins
Naps

Dislikes:
Naps
Elevators moving down
Joe's Famous BBQ Ribs *sigh*
4D Lego Movies that Uncle Scott paid his hard earned money for him and everyone else to see you ungrateful little monster it was just water.

Our forthcoming hip hop mix tape will be straight 🔥



The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 5

Good evening Sportsfans.

It's October and I'm reading a Stephen King book....On Writing. Great book. I'm actually learning a lot from someone who knows a lot. So after 10 years of writing this weekly rag maybe I'm actually starting to put forth......what's the word....effort? Yea effort. Feels odd.

No effort on my part required this week however because someone actually answered the call to be a guest Commish Report writer this week. No surprise it's Shane, but I am surprised he can read AND write. Big accomplishment for the wealthy neanderthal. [Goes back to reading about writing]

Shane writes...

Here we are in week 5 and our second week of cross contamination of the dominate Crossfitters against the participation award legacy league.  The Legacy league lost 4-5 games and even in losing Shane became the #1 team……now that’s dominance.

The world of sports has officially lost its collective minds.  Even though inter league play involves shit talking, nothing can compare to the latest headline of George Foreman vs. Steven Seagal!!  Yes you heard that right.  The once great boxer with 8 children all named George (3 girls), just challenged a B-level at best action star to a no holds barred fight.  At a combined age of 133 this proves that the combination of Viagra, Cocaine, and Testostone are a hell of a cocktail. 



Let’s recap last week’s Highlight reel knock out.  Apparently Bitch Resting Face can’t be beat……by Evil Shenanigans.  Does this loss clinch Evil Shenanigans continued absence from the post season?  I few more weeks will tell.  

So on to this weeks matchups:

BRF vs Dogs:
In this week’s least interesting match up we have an improving BRF taking on a beat down Dogs. Under normal circumstances Dogs would have this in the bag, but with half her team injured and the level of collusion that goes into setting BRF’s roster every week I’m taking BRF by 7.

Missionary Mormon’s vs Naughtiest Nurse Ever:
This is a tough one.  Bye weeks have decimated both these teams, and Anne still has a team with multiple kickers and multiple linebackers what will her final look like?  Although clearly she is colluding with the ghost of Kevin Husted with Stafford, Riddick, and Detroit DEF all in her line-up. Naughty Husted by 12.

Yo Quero Taco Bell vs DeVonta Freeman-less
Another match up where Bye weeks have put both these sad teams out of their misery.  However, they are playing each other so first one to score 85 wins.  I am taking E on this one simply because of the fact that Angela Merkel and Jose De Jesus Mendez Vargas’s love child will be starting Eli Manning!!! E by Bakers Dozen

Super Mariota vs Cop #1
Carla goes into the week with a .500 record and being white female and from Utah she won’t be intimidated by Mike’s normal tactics.  With the number of “questionables” Mike has it looks more like a police line-up than a fantasy line-up…. and he’s starting Big Ben!!!
TD’s by 1 kicked in bathroom stall door.

The champ vs Hiro
With 5 players on a bye week get ready to pick up Hiro’s sloppy seconds.  This should be a barn burner of a cat fight, but Glitter Farts carries a gun….and she’s my neighbor, so Bedazzed Doug by 7 Rhine stones

NOW THE GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!
Two years ago this matchup ended in the best bet video ever (insert Video) This year the bet is back on!!! The loser has to shave a bikini into their chest hair.



Challenge cast!! Bring it Roberts!!!!!

Sevcik by 7

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