Roger Goodell vs. Jerry Jones is the war of words between two rich white men I didn't realize my life was missing. Who do you even root for in this? One guy is ruining football with London games every year. The other ruins football by giving the Lions three picks for Roy Williams. Whoever wins, its been a big year for white, power hungry, James Bond villains already so glad to see that gravy train continuing to roll strong.
That Boodrow Gravy Train came to a screeching halt last week with legacy teams saying "$#%@ the police". In fact, Legacy teams actually won 4 of 6 cross divisional matchups last week! Doubling their season win total against those other guys in a single leap. Currently the hottest team the league is the Mormon lover from Dallas.... or is that the Dallas lover from Utah?
(4-2 last week. Still not perfect.)
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! In New York City, a guy could pay ten bucks to watch two cops have sex in a cage but in Southern Oregon the action is even hotter. Fantasy Football hot! The best part of this matchup is that one of them will be on a two game losing streak. I hope it's Mike, since 1,2,3,4,5, SIX!! other teams have scored more points this season than his band of losers and Fournette. What's that? Fournette is a game-time decision for a team that actually benched him a week ago? Kim wins, by 15pts.
90's Buffalo Bills vs. The Mexican: I doubt that the Mexican even reads these. He wasn't even paying attention last week when my team last remaining hope, A DOLPHIN!, brought me just enough yards to sneak up and defeat him. So he probably won't notice this week when Shaner's team demolishes his squad of two living breathing Browns running backs and Dez Bryant. The 90's Buffalo Bills circle the wagons and get the win like Jim Kelly's playing in the regular season.
Super Mariota Kart vs. Antonio Brown: This.
DOGS RUNNING WILD vs The Elders: Just like Dallas, Steve's team just isn't that threatening without Zeke on a leash. Meanwhile, DOGS team is running a little wild behind a Pittsburgh defense that picked off Mariota 4 times. Mix in Karmara in primetime and Carr needing to keep up with the Patriots, I'm smelling an upset. But would it be really and upset when she already beat him back in week 3?! DOGS gets the win and the sweep by 5pts.
BRFs Can't Be Beat vs Naughty Nurse: A full and updated roster, good things! Derrick Henry getting 30 yards, bad thing. Meanwhile, team Hansen is looking better each week they get closer to the Playoffs. NN wins by 19pts.
Evil Shenanigans vs. Eric Shenanigans: Eric's using the same technique in fantasy football that he use to use to pick up women. Insult them and hope they feel a need to prove themselves. Since re-naming his team to "Not Making the Playoffs" he's gone 3-2. Ironically if he wins he'd be in the Playoff picture, taking my place on the bubble. Am I mad about having the most points in the league yet a "bubble team" with 3 weeks remaining? Yes. Yes i am. Evil by 10pts.
Tomorrow I catch a plane to North Carolina to for my 3rd major holiday spent with the famiLEE. My first major holiday was Thanksgiving '14. Where I was a well behaved gentleman eager to ensure her entire family enjoyed my company. The 2nd big holiday was Christmas '16, were I intentionally mixed in a small sex toy into their white elephant gift exchange for my own entertainment. I think Thanksgiving '17 is when the family meets drunk Scott. Time for the real me flash across the sky like a handsome shooting star, hairkini and all. They'll learn a lot about me and I'll learn if Hiro actually reads these reports.
Sweet baby Jesus.
The Commish
S.
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