The Commish Report: Playoff Edition

Another fabulous season of Fantasy Football is over!!!! [Fireworks]. This is also the last commish report of the year so enjoy it.

The fake Gruden twitter account is my new favorite thing in life.

Not a lot of surprises for the post season this year. All dudes (Me, Steve, Kevin, Joe and Jeremy) and then representing the ladies is the beautiful Anne gracing us with her charm and football insights.

As for the rest of you....I'm not mad, just disappointed. Especially in Eric.

This week I decided to get away from the Matchup format and do something a little different. I'm going to rank each of the post season players by who I want to see win this thing (not who i THINK will win this thing, that's an entirely different conversation). So warning, ahead is nothing but my biased opinions about all of you.

WHO I WANT TO SEE WIN THIS THING (in order from "I hate that guy" to "Me").

Seadderall: Joe has only been in this league for a short while and is not only part of the elite "we've won a championship" club but he's the only person to have done it TWICE! A third win would be unacceptable. That's too much success by someone else I'm willing to tolerate. Pull off this hat trick and I might forget to invite you next season. I hope Joe loses immediately and remains only one championship ahead of all of us.

Suh Girls One Cup: Some people are easier to root for than others. Then there's Kevin, who's almost impossible to root for in almost all things. Remember how evil Ruxin becomes at the end of the 2nd season of the league? A scary and similar fate would befall all of us should this season have an Empire Strikes Back type of unhappy ending.

Romosexual: Steve won our very first league but has yet to return to the promised land. Nevertheless he's a constant pain in my fantasy football ass, consistently showing up the in the playoffs. He's never been stronger than he has this season, finishing first in the league and doesn't have any cowboys on his squad to collapse in the final weeks of the season for him. Hopefully he's not the one waiting for me at the championship game.

Legion of Puke: I'd like to think I'm the reason Jeremy's even in this show. Due to my unfortunate love affair with Jordan Cameron I mistakenly traded him Odell "Catch is like" Beckham Jr. earlier in the season. Stupid Stupid Stupid. I also tossed in Shane Vereen because I'm an idiot who doesn't know anything about football. So if I somehow lost to Jeremy it would be more like I lost to myself. Right?

Me: Surprise! I'm only 2nd place on my own list. Being commish is one thing but being CHAMPION is something else entirely. I'd like to pull some money and get a trophy for this league either this season or next. My idea is to have it a cup and then call it the............wait for it.......... I'll call it the "Olson Cup". Sounds awesome right?

Manneson: Anne said she'd go streaking through the quad if she won. Or was it Mason that promised that?? EITHER WAY!!!!

That's all folks!

Good luck to everyone, seriously. Never take this report seriously. Or read it at all.

I'm one term away from my masters degree and 2 wins away from winning the NFC South.

7 Days!

Be what you can be that's what they told me.

Go Ducks!!! HUGEST GAME EVAH TOMORROW NIGHT

Roll credits.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 13

Who's still full from Thanksgiving?! I know I am. Dark meat, white meat, stuffing, ham, pie and I washed it all down with the tears of Dallas Cowboy fans when Chip Kelly's Philadelphia Ducks won the NFC East. Jerry Jones deserved to lose when he made Pitbull the halftime show.

In our league it is all winding down. Steve and I have demonstrated our dominance and now can relax for a few weeks as a sea of average battles to lose against us in december. Props to Joe and Jeremy for turning their teams around and riding win streaks into the final week of the season. If only their beloved Niners could have a similar rally then at least ONE game on thanksgiving would have been interesting to watch.

Hope you saved some room for Matchups! (3-3 Last Week, losing my touch)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Manneson vs The Dark Side: Most of the post season is set in stone. All Anne has to do is win this week and she's in. There's just one problem. He likes to rant on Facebook and is full of collusion. Should she lose the door to the postseason opens for all the other women sitting with 5 wins today. This one will be close but Kevin's team hasn't been the same since losing Thomas. Good prevails by 8pts.

Sibling rivalry: Stupid Alshon Jeffery stole all Forte's touchdowns and russell wilson only needed field goals against the niners has made this an uphill battle for me. Not that a loss changes anything for my post-season. The spoils of being good. I'll of course pick myself to win this one but it won't be easy. And she has a freakin Emmy! Shenanigans by 1pt

Casey vs Shandra: Who cares? Casey by doesn't matter.

Seadderall vs E: RoNo! E could play spoiler this week but then he thought to himself "Starting Tony Romo against Chip Kelly's defense is a good idea." Joe rides an EIGHT GAME WIN STREAK into the post season, by 20pts.

Legion of Puke vs The San Fransisco 49ers: The Legion of Boom gets the Legion of Puke a huge win this week, by hundreds.

Romo vs Rodgers: Steve's thankful for so much but probably not his Dallas Quarterback. Don't worry, he's only contracted through 2017. GB vs NE will be a huge game with lots of points. I suspect this will be the closest game of the week but I'm going to give Steve the edge. Steve wins and takes next week off, by 8pts

Go Ducks!!! I keep trying to get people out here to care about the PAC-12 but to no avail. HUUUUGE rematch next week for the PAC-12 title. I hate Arizona.

I miss my mustache.

Home in 2 weeks!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 12

This week in Commish!

How hard did reality hit Mark Sanchez and Chip Kelly's Philadelphia Ducks last week? I'm sad because of how much I love Chip and want him to succeed but still get a kick out of Sanchez being butt fumble awful.

The New England Patriots are looking
for a new Social Media Manager.

Two weeks left in the season! There's a sea of 5/6 win teams fighting to make the post season. And then Eric. Top spot is still up in the air with Steve in the pole position and me and Kevin (mathematically at least) still on his heels. Perhaps the most dangerous team in the league is defending champion Joe. Who was written off at 0-5 now sits at 6-5 which is 4th place in this league.

Anything can happen in the playoffs.

This weeks Matchups with a side of cranberry sauce. (3-3 last week, my worst showing of the season)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!! Kevin vs Scott: Lots riding on this matchup. If I win, I solidify my hold of the 1st round playoff bye and avenge my devastating  loss earlier in the season. A win by Kevin puts him in that #2 spot, potentially giving him that coveted first round Bye. Despite the 4 headed RB attack Kevin somehow is getting away with, Shenanigans is welcoming Josh Gordon to the squad with open arms. And lets be honest, is there any way I would pick Kevin over me? Shenanigans by 14pts.

RomoArigato vs Kevin's Wifey: Steve got lucky last week and is #1 in the league. Shan thinks its wise to keep the best tight end in football on the bench. Steve doesn't even need to update his roster and he'd still win by 10pts.

The Streak vs The Mexican: Jamal Charles in Charge already in this one. Joe gets to 7 in a row.

PACKERS RUNNING WILD vs LOP: The packers are good, scary good. The vikings are awful, butt fumble awful. So I expect a lot of points from the Rodgers/Cobbs/Nelson package. Jeremy's team has found some consistency late in the season but there's nobody on his team not named Dez I'm thinking could go off this week. Packers win a close one by 8pts.

New Home vs Does she still live in a trailer?: Right now these two squads have almost the exact same projection (Carla has yet to pick a defense or a replacement for ailing Foster). The San Fransisco 49ers are facing off against the Washington "It's Not A Slur" Redskins. The Skins spend their training camp in Richmond Virginia which I got to see a bit of earlier this year. So I can confirm the skins are awful and the niners will score staci lots and lots of points. Staci's Team has got it going on by 11pts.

Manneson vs Eeeeeeeee: I don't think E has ever won back to back games. Anne by bunches.

18 days!

"I'm a man of mustache now and I don't have to follow any rules." - Things I've yelled this week

The Commish
S.

 

The Commish Report: Week 11

Greetings Sports Fans!

Quick Rant: At Brandcenter the last 3 projects I worked on all had prizes for the winning team. One was a trip to Miami, another was an opportunity to present to our board of directors and a third sent the winning team to SXSW in Austin Texas. I finished "runner-up" in ALL THREE!!!! Very pissed this morning as yesterday was the announcement for the third project. Granted I should be happy about consistently beating the majority of the school but still.....Ugh!!!! Made me think of this quote by my favorite basketball player.

Sorry to vent here, no where else to do it where I don't seem like a sore loser. Which i am!

Enough about that though lets talk some FOOTBALL!

The Sanchize is BACK! After Chip Kelly found him outside a Home Depot, Mark "Dirty" Sanchez is back to the delight of Eric Pitt. I predict for the eagles a first round playoff lost with a 20% chance of butt fumble.

The other week we had an extraordinary amount of close games and last week was almost all blowouts. Interesting contrasts.

The regular season is winding down with only a few more opportunities for teams on the bubble. Will Joe make the playoffs after an 0-5 start? Will I ever be defeated again? Is E going to finish dead last (again)? Will Kevin change his team name once more? Will Staci find the link to the waiver wire? These questions and more will be answered in just a few short weeks.

MATCHUPS!!! (4-2 Last week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Number 1 vs Number 2: Remember when the Giants and the Patriots, who each had no reason to play their starters, faced off in the final week of the season in an epic game that was actually a preview of the superbowl? Yea, just like that me and Steve are going to mix it up. Similar to last weeks game, the Oregonian will prevail over the Ute. Shenanigans wins after Steve drops the ball on the 1 yard line.

Seadderall vs DILW GNINNUR SGOD: Joe has been UNSTOPPABLE. Starting off 0-5 and now sits in 4th place overall in our league. Absolutely insane. Now he's up agains the Green Bay Packers who unfortunately face Chip Kelly's "Much better than you realize" turnover causing defense. This one will be close but I'm all about jumping on the Joe bandwagon. Joe by 13pts.

Carla + Mini vs Pukey the Clown: Always interesting to see teams "on the bubble" fighting. After an insane two week span, Big Ben reminded us all why he's never drafted ahead of round 7. I expect this to be a low scoring affair with Carla emerging as the winner after Peyton Manning does unspeakable things to the St Louis Rams. Car by 9pts.

Suh Girls vs Girl: Staci easily defeated Kevin earlier this season but ever since bye weeks started Staci hasn't been finding many wins. If only there was a way in fantasy football that she could replace her injured/ineffective players with players who actually ARE playing. If only...... Kevin by ALOT.

Charles Manneson vs Kevin's a Woman: This will be a really close game with two squads fighting to stay in the playoffs. I'm guessing it's the closest game of the week.... until Shan once again forgot to update her roster and play Gronk. You'd think Kevin would have talked to her. Anne by 20pts.

Shock and Awe vs Butt Fumble: Someone has to win this right? Casey by 2pts.

Enjoy the games this weekend!

Go Ducks...... oh wait nvm.

Who wants to go to SXSW anyways?!?!

I did...

Update your rosters!

Home in less than 4 weeks!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 10

Feeling the burnout of grad-school real bad this week, not gonna lie. My creativity is running on E. But I will say last week had some massive point differentials and some big upsets. Any time E wins I consider it a week of upsets.

Lets get straight to this week in MATCHUPS!! (4-2 Last Week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Anne vs Staci: The last time I watched two nurses going it at I.....uhhh.... wasn't talking about it around my mom ;) These two beauties were at one time sitting pretty on top of the league but after the first month of football their teams have been quarantined. Both teams are in desperate need of a trip to the waiver wire but stubbornly refused to ask their husbands "What is a waiver wire?". I expect a low scoring affair in this girl on girl matchup with Anne ending up on top, by 7pts.

Suh Girls, One Cup vs The Fighting Armadillos: On draft day I laughed pretty hard when Casey swooped in and grabbed Megatron in the first round. I'm sure that's a decision Casey wishes he hadn't made but the beauty of the situation is he gets the All-World WR back THIS WEEK to use against everyone's favorite lions fan. I sense magic in the air. Casey wins by 20 pesos.

Seadderall vs Romosexual Tendencies: I don't want anyone forgetting about my six game winning streak but almost equally impressive is Joe's 4 game win streak after starting off 0-5. Maybe he was just toying with us the whole time? Now he's one win away from being back at .500 and creeping into the playoffs to defend his title. Steve meanwhile is having some BYE week blues. I'll take Joe in this one, by only 8 points though.

My favorite of the Ben Roethlisberger Face Memes

DOGS RUNNING CAPS LOCK vs Starfish Loves You: Like Mother Like Daughter as both teams sit at 4-5. The Packers have Daaaaaaaaaa Bears this week in what should be a high scoring affair since neither team bothers to play defense. While I expect Manning and Hillman to put up bunches of points against the raiders, it won't be enough to overcome Boobie Dixon and squad. DOGS by 13pts.

Legion of Puke vs. Victor-E: Which win was more surprising last week? Mark Sanchez over the Texans or E's win over Carla with over 130pts. I'm thinking E's because Mark Sanchez has actually been to the playoffs before, twice. I'ma say E's win was. I'ma say it was a fluke. And I'ma say Jeremy wins this one by double digits. BUTT FUMBLE!!!!

6 Game Winning Streak vs. Shananananananana: 7 Game Winning Streak, by 16 points!

I have no idea why they're calling it "Rivalry Week"

Pinball documentary now has over 1000 views. I'm famous.

#CowboySuk

Back to work.

Skewl.

The Commish.
S.

The Commish Report: Week 9

How 'bout them Cowboys? HAhahahahahahahaaaahahahaaaa!!!!!!

There's no way Tony Romo's back makes it to February. Sorry Steve, I just don't see that happening. Thus, the Brandon "Smokin'" Weeden era is upon the horizon. I can't wait. Also, TWICE now the Lions have actually won a game in the last few minutes. Inconceivable! How I long for the past. And who the hell lets Big Ben throw for over 500 yards against them? Seriously, Big Ben?

Huuuuuuge underdog wins last week. 4 of the 6 matchups saw a lesser team defeat a better team. All except for E. Who still lost. Woe is E. And me of course. But who's surprised? Someone needs to show "Staci's Team" how to pick players up from waiver wires.

That's why they play the MATCHUPS! (3-3, just flipping coins here)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! PACKERS vs Lions: This is a classic rivalry. Packers versus Lions...... except without any Packers and without any Lions. Odd time to square off but bye weeks are part of the fun. At 4-4 each, both team managers have to find some consistency if they are going to make the playoffs. I have to pick Kevin though with Beast Mode against the Raiders and Thomas should have a huge game against a porous NE secondary. I feel dirty about this but Suh by 14pts.... and now I need a shower.

Your Fearless Leader vs Hot Thor: This was supposed to be the matchup of the week! Two 6-2 teams going head to head for control over the Crossfit division. But then you went and lost to Joe last week, ruining the showdown. Should be a great game. I'll be missing the 1st and 2nd players I picked in the draft but I'm feeling confident as always. That's what a FIVE game winning streak does to you. Shenanigans by 5pts.

Romo's Hurt Back vs. Back Breaking Manual Labor (Paid under the table): As of Wednesday afternoon Steve is favored in this matchup by 95% according to Yahoo. I think Yahoo is still being a little favorable to Casey! Steve wins by Bunches and Bunches.

Seadderall vs Malibu Staci: Don't call it a comeback, but smokin Joe has won three straight and looking mean. Meanwhile, Staci's team suffers from an inability to make transactions. She must be an only child, refusing to share. However, her Niners are back this week and taking on a depleted Rams team who is basically pulling fans from the stands to play defense. Joe's streak comes to an end as the Niners dominate and Staci celebrates. Staci by 10pts.

Carla squared vs E. Carla could win this with Peyton and Foster alone. Carla by 45pts.

LOP vs Uhhhhh Shana-na-naa: Lots of bye week challenges for both these squads. Looks like Shan doesn't even have a RB to play this week. Interesting strategy, lets see if it pays off for her. LOP by 8pts.

If you're looking for a good Blues song try "Free Will" by People's Blues of Richmond. Good stuff.

My pinball documentary is over 700 views now and counting. I'm Pinball Famous!

Stop. Collaborate. Listen.

Loved some of y'alls Halloween costumes. 44 days and counting....

The Commish.
S.

The Commish Report: Week 8

Whaaaaa?! 2 Commish Reports in a row??? You're welcome!

How Close was my Win over Jeremy?! THAT CLOSE!!!!!

For the last couple of seasons the NFL has always been having the "Will they join the Dolphins as the only NFL team to have a perfect season???" conversation with at least one team. Luckily this year we're saved that conversation. Every team can be beaten this year, and even the defending SuperBowl Champions have now lost 3 games (Those Tricky Rams!!!!)

Our league is also impossible to predict. Last week's largest margin of victory was only 10pts. That's insane. But comes to show that any one of us is capable of winning any week. Except for E. E never wins.

But enough about the past, lets look at this week's Matchups!!!! (4-2 Last week, not too bad)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! Mr. Pruitt vs Mrs. Pruitt: How great has this football season been for Steve thus far? Utah is the surprise upstart team of the PAC-12, his fantasy team has only lost one time (to me) and how bout them Cowboys? I'm sure this is God's compensation for having to deal with a preggo wife and months of sleepless nights on the horizon. Poor Steve. At least football is good to him. Steve by 14pts.

Manneson Family Murders vs Seadderall: Anne's still sitting atop the Crossfit division but, as Kevin was pointing out the other day, I think she sits upon a throne of lies. SIX other teams have scored more points than hers. Meanwhile, she's dead last in points scored against. I think reality sets in this week when a 2-5 team soundly defeats her squad. Seadderall with the upset by 9pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Speedy Gonzales: Predicting my mom's matchups is as easy as looking to see who Green Bay is playing. This week the Packers travel to Nawleans in what should be a video game-like offensive show. Sucks to be Casey when DOGS wins by 18pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs The San Francisco 49ers: The Niners are on a bye week and so is Staci. Shenanigans by 20pts.

Suh Leaves, Lions Suck vs Legion of Puke: Uh oh. The Detroit Lions have figured out how to win games at the last second, as oppose to losing them. This week they'll feast on the Atlanta Falcons who aint' exactly the Denver Broncos. Or the Oregon Ducks. Or better than most High School teams in Texas. Which sucks cause I was really rooting for them after watching Hard Knocks over the summer. Lions Roar, Kevin Wins by 10pts.

Kevin's Better (And I mean Better) Half vs E: Eric what happened?! I believe in you last week. Picked you to win even! And what happened? You let me down. Disappointed. Went all "Rex Ryan" on me. This week you're favored by double digits but I just can't bring myself to do it. Shandra wins.... by double digits.

Go Ducks, Dolphins and ummmmm Dinosaurs.

There's a halloween party coming up for some of you. I'll be super homesick that night now. Wish I was there.

If you haven't already, watch my documentary on Pinball Players I made for school. http://vimeo.com/109648869

She says "I want to dress slutty for Halloween."
So I say "You should dress up as the 49ers Secondary."
She asks "Why's that?!"
I clarify "Because they barely cover anything."
And then we laugh.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 7

Thursday, October 18th 2012. That was the last time I sat down to write one of these. Man I'm a terrible Commish. But lets look at the years I was good at this. No promises but I do miss doing this. Maybe more in the future. Maybe...

The NFL has changed a lot since I last wrote and not for better. For example the Cowboys are 5-1. I don't think there's another team I watch more, why? because the epic collapses are must see TV. But now? It's not fun to watch them win. I miss the days they let the Jets, THE JETS, come back and beat them in the 4th quarter. Dark days....

A lot has changed with the league too! We now have 2 divisions. Legacy players (Friends and Family BC) and The Crossfitters. And currently the Crossfitters are kicking ass. They say functional fitness is designed to make you good at all things so can't say I'm surprised. Steve is the only outlier, just like his beloved Cowboys Steve's team has been surprisingly dominate. Only one loss....to me!

Long time no Commish lets TALK MATCHUPS!!!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Cowboys (5-1) vs Niners (4-2): Sadly this is the only matchup between two teams with a winning record. But interestingly enough this is the biggest Romosexual I know going up against one of those annoying 49er fans. THE CATCH! Right? So much history. And the first time in decades a Cowboys/Niners rivalry might be meaningful. This should be tougher to call but Steve's on a roll and the Niners, who makes up 84% of Staci's team, are playing the Denver OMAHA's. I'll take Steve by 18pts. 

Seadderall vs Kevins Woman: I wanna take a moment to point out how Joe has gone from first to worst. Poor guy. That was of course until of course he faced off against E last week. But when you're starting Eli Manning how many wins do you really expect? Just ask Tom "I'm so angry" Coughlin. Meanwhile, Shandra is Wacko for Flacco and sitting pretty at 4-2. Is Joe's team underrated or is Shandra's team overrated??? Ummmm Shandra by 10pts. 

GREEN BAY PACKERS RUNNING WILD vs E: Sadly only 3 wins here between the two teams. I'm only disappointed in my mom though, I've come to expect mediocrity from E. I'm going to go on a limb though and do something I don't normally do. With the Green Bay Packers playing the Carolina Panthers AAAAAAnnnnnnddddd the Colts playing the Bengals, I'm going to say the Packers wildly dissapoint this week and E WINS but only by 3 pts. 

My future Nephew vs Good - But unLUCKy: Kevin's team has scored the most points but only has a 3-3 record. Worth repeating, Kevin's team has scored the most points but only has a 3-3 record. He's also pretty low on the points against statistic. So what happened? How does Kevin have the best mediocre team? I'ma say Karma. Just....Karma. I don't see him losing this week though. Kevin rejoins the winners by 23pts.

Marilyn Manneson vs The Mexican: Darren McFadden ? Heath Miller ? Mike Wallace ? ¿Cómo diablos se Anne ganar nuestra división ?! Casey , mientras tanto, es en donde me imagino , batallando con Kevin para el Sacko Bowl. Este es un caso clásico de la mejor frente a lo peor y no soy tan tonto como para apostar a David sobre Goliat . Anne gana por 78 pesos.

Dreams vs Legion of Puke: On paper Jeremy's team should be a lot better than it is. But the reality is 2-4. Meanwhile, Cam Newton reminded everyone he can run! Which is why I drafted him! And now you're all gonna die!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!! Evil Shenanigans by 15pts.

Here's a vine of Bronco's Julius Thomas explaining how difficult it is to score on the Jets. 

BC stands for Before Crossfit. 

GO DUCKS!!! You know how much it sucks to be the guy at the bar at 10:30pm on a saturday night screaming at the bartender to turn up the game? No you don't!!!

Keep taking my surveys! 

Ever since watching The League Shane now wants in. Maybe he can co-manage Anne's Co-manager team. Then it could be Shanneson?

S.