The Commish Report: Week 6

Late Commish report again. I haven't watch more than a moments worth of any football in 2 weeks! It's been awful. I plan on doing nothing today. Absolutely nothing but watch football and it will be everything I ever dreamed it could be.

ICYMI - I Giggled and Farted at Facebook HQ this week.

The Crossfit Division must have been soft to begin with cause rookie officers have that division on lockdown. Meanwhile, E has run amuck, making up for over a decade of defeats to reign supreme for the first time in forever. I'm stuck at the bottom, watching all of you seemingly wait until me to have your best game ever. Even my ONE WIN came on Carla's best week of the season. This is the bullshit of all bullshits. But I still love this. We need a trophy.

Reality Football hasn't been any kinder. The Utah Utes is a top 4 team in the nation. I should just stop there. The Ducks play offense in slow motion now and the defense just looks confused. At least tomorrow we all get a look at the New Look Dolphins who, in the ultimate act of irony, promoted a bully to Head Coach who vows to make life tough for the players so that they play tough on the field. Oh, and if the playoffs started today, three teams from the AFC East would be in. Three Teams not named Miami Dolphins. I hate this season.

MATCH IT UP AND KNOCK IT DOWN!!!! (3-3 last week. I'm so even money and I don't even know it.)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Me and E and a Bottle Makes 3: I know what you're thinking, a 1-4 team vs a 4-1 team is a good matchup??? In this case it is and I'll tell you why. In 2008, when "Low" by Florida was the top song, E joined our little league and has lost a lot of hair and matchups ever since. Now, 7 years later, E finally put together a squad (thanks to me being an idiot) and since at the top of the mountain. Already with more wins than his yearly average, Eric will finally get a chance to destroy the one guy who has never missed a chance to crack a few wises at his expense. This matchup is 7 years in the making and I'd be a fool to think my team of let downs could possibly stop the Devonta Squat right? Shenanigans by 5pts.

Mother versus Daughter: Starting to wonder about Carla's fantasy footballilities. Not since that insane season where she had Adrian Peterson AND Chris Johnson, has she even made the playoffs. Meanwhile, my mom has almost always been a consistent NFL encyclopedia with a straight forward auto-draft strategy of drafting Packers QB, Packers WR, Packers WR, Whoever Peyton Manning is throwing to, any low hanging patriot she can get her hands on and a committee of middling running backs. She is the modern NFL. Carla's only a threat if she has a 2,000+ yard running back on her squad and CJ Anderson just ain't dat dude. DOGS by 20pts.

Mike's on his BRF week. Why don't I get a BRF week?

Seadderall vs. The Utah Utes: I've been having a lot of fun looking at our league history this season and something you can always count on are these two showing up in the playoffs. However, Joe has been a torn in Steve's paw. In the regular season they've actually had the same record against each other, including an actual TIE in 2013. However, In 2011 they battled for the title with Joe coming up on top and then In 2013, Joe bounced Steve out of the first round of the playoffs. Is Joe the Arizona State of Steve's fantasy squad? Seadderall hasn't been the same team since Big Ben went down and starting Rafi from the League isn't the answer. I'll take the Utes to win a close one, and stay ranked. Steve by 10pts.

Victorious Secret vs Queen Anne: Hello ladies ;) sometimes you try to make more of a matchup than it's going to be. Like tonight's Sunday Night Football. We all know the Patriots are going to absolutely destroy the Colts just like they did in the playoffs last year but that won't stop Chris Collinsworth and the human Koala Bear, Bob Costas, from treating it like the game of the century. The reality is this deflategate revenge tour is a fantasy gravy train and I see 2 Patriots on Kim's team and 0 on Anne's. For me, it's that simple. I'll take Victorious to be........well... you know. By 14pts!

#idontwantnomediocre vs Shock N La Bamba: One week your team has an insane amount of depth at RB and then the next week #BAM injuries and BYE weeks bring you to your knees. #fantasylife. Shane has already given up on his team, made clear by the depressing renaming of his team. Usually this move is reserved for week 9 or 10 but hey, some people lack #patience. Without Jamal Charles in Charge of his team anymore I have lowered my expectations for the Mexican's season. I'll take #shane to #win getting his team back to #.500 by #17pts.

"Why is he yelling?" - Hiro watching Sportscenter.

Going to a professional haunted house in KC. For $37 a ticket I BETTER DIE!

The party don't start 'til i walk in!

Do yourself a solid and watch the movie Dope, now available to rent for $5. Probably my favorite movie of the year.

Today is Mike Ditka's birthday! In honor of it, I'll have the Polish Sausage.

The Commish
S.