The Commish Report: Week 7

Boo! (Ya Whores.)

Man, when I tossed it out there for someone to guest author this week's commish report I really thought Shane would step up. Or maybe Mike, I'm a huge fan of the way he fights(?) crime all day long with witty Facebook posts. Or maybe someone unexpected like my Moms or a Nurse.

But nothing could have prepared me for who accepted the call.

So without further ado, I turn complete control of this week's commish report over to our guest author, and Presidential Nominee, Donald J. Trump.


Well, first of all, it's great to be with you, and thank you, everybody.

A lot of people, they know me, but they don't know this, football has a very, very, very special place in my heart. It's a tremendous sport. I love teams who win. Who are winners. You know me, I love to win. Nobody loves winning more than I do. And together we are going Big League in November.

I know so much about football it's unbelievable. Really. I draft the best players. All winners. A good draft begins with research. It really is quite amazing how good the research is, but I'm not really, in fact - the research is so obvious and it's so good and nobody has the research like I do. If you knew about these players like I know, well, you would be very happy. 

But lets get on with it. Lets talk about these Matchups (Last week, well it wasn't so good. This week will be a lot better.)

DT + TB = <3

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! Evil Shenanigans vs. It's a Hard Gronk Life: I love Tom Brady. Really, the best Quarterback who ever played. Tom's a good friend of mine. And he should be, we're a lot alike he and I. He's a winner. Like me. I'm a winner. We both love beautiful women. The best women. Most beautiful in the world. By any standard. And we both do whatever it takes to get the job done. We face a lot of adversity for that but, really, at the end of the day, is it any question who you'd want on your side? If you love Tom, like I do, then you love me too. I'll take Tom to win this matchup for Katie and we will win it Big League.

Shock N Awe vs TDs and Beer: Now, there's been a lot of confusion regarding what I think about the Mexican people. I love the Mexican people. I do. I enjoy taco bowls like many of you do. Really. But there are thousands and thousands of bad hombres inside our boarders and we've got to do something about it. They're going to build a plant and illegals are going drive those cars right over the border ... And they'll probably end up stealing the cars. If we don't do something about it. Casey, I don't think, he's not that type of Mexican. Really. How do I know that? He's a winner. And this week, you know what he's going to do, he's going to grab TDs by the pussy. Because when you’re 6-0, they let you do it. You can do anything. 

Jerry with a young woman he respects

BRFs Can't Be Beat vs Victorious Secrets: I love this matchup. You know I do. Really. Because nobody, and I mean nobody, respects women more than I do. Nurses. Cops. Especially around Halloween, when I see so many around. Besides Nurses and Cops, which really, are the best, but maybe there's one better and thats Cowboys. I love Cowboys, and Jerry Jones and I are a lot alike. We both love football and we both respect women. We respect women so much it's ridiculous. And you can't go wrong with the Cowboys. But they can't win if they don't play and there are a lot of Cowboys not playing on Staci's team and you can't win with that. You can't. It's the worst strategy, and we've had 8 years of bad strategy, we don't need anymore bad strategy and this this is bad. Kim wins this, Bigly. 

MakeDallasGreatAgain vs Devonta Freeman: How can I pick a winner between these two losers? Huh? It's impossible. Let me tell you something, these are the people, the haters and the liars, who they just don't get it. They just don't. The players are out there, the matchups are there and they just don't see it. I've done the research. All kinds of research. The best kinds. And if other people want to be walked through it, like babies or something, then I don't know what their problem is. I'm not here to give out handouts and neither Steve or Eric should expect that. 

Speedo's and Nair vs. Naughty Nurse: I meet a lot of people. I've made so many friends this last year. And it's so sad. Michigan. Kentucky. These once great places have been devastated by Crooked Hillary and the loopholes in NAFTA, which, really is the worst deal, and I would know I make deals all day and I make great deals. The best deals. And those deals have brought me a lot of money. But the NAFTA deal made a lot of loopholes for businesses to send these manufacturing jobs overseas. Loopholes like the one in the Waiver wire that Shane took advantage of. And I get it, if its there you take it. But now your team is falling apart, they're folding like dogs and Anne is a nasty woman, she really is, and I think she brings a lot of experience to this matchup but its bad experience it really is. And bad experience isn't enough. Shane with a tremendous win this week. 

#Bromance

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs. #GlassCaseOfEmotion: I talk with Tom a lot. He's a tremendous quarterback and a good friend of mine and Melania. He says look at the stats. Stats cannot lie. And if you look at the stats, and that's what we have here, and not just the stats but the best stats, the clearest, the best, the really good and obvious facts and a lot of people have seen them. We have had a lot of smart people, the smartest, and I have seen them too and the people that don't agree are pinheads. I am decisive. I make a lot of decisions. I make decisions every day and those decisions have brought me a ton of money. Lots of money. I have a lot of money because I am smart and I make the best decisions and you can't argue with that can you? No you can't. 

I think that this has been very well... Scott you're doing a tremendous job as Commission of this league. Thank you. Everyone. Thanks. 

Wow! There you have it. Man, I had no idea how big this little fantasy football blog has gotten!

Wrong!

What? But I thought everyone was having a good ti..

Wrong!

But Mr. Trump, you were so kind earlier?!

From everything I can see, your record, how can anyone respect this person?

I...I'm trying my best...

No puppet. No puppet.

Puppets?! I...what are even you talking about?

You're the puppet!

It's pretty clear this has really gone off the rails.

No, you're the puppet.

Ugh. I'm ending this. Get out and vote my friends!

The Commish
S.