The Commish Report: Playoff Edition

14 weeks and here we are.

What have we learned?
What did we accomplished?
What on earth have we become?

In week 1 I made some bold predictions. Now, a lot of sports writers make these type of predictions but rarely will they look back at those statements to see how right (or wrong) they were.

Indianapolis will win, maybe, 4 games total.

Currently 6-6, they won't make the playoffs and that offensive line is still pretty bad. But they're fortunate to be in a terrible division.

Lamar Miller will finish the season as the best back in Football.

haha dang. Pretty wrong here. Lamar was great in yards but poor in scoring and then he hurt his shoulder. Still the best piece of offense on the Texans so not his fault? Not your fault Lamar.

Carolina will start the season 0-2 and the weight of the world crashes down on #1. We'll get to find out if Cam has matured or not at all since the Superbowl tantrum but I'm guessing he hasn't.

I actually UNDER estimated how far the panthers would fall this year. But I haven't enjoyed it any less. Officially a Newton hater.

David Johnson is good, but not nearly as good as everyone thinks. Remember Beanie Wells?

Well that's a big ol' Donald Trump "Wrong!" right there.

The Buccaneers, Raiders and Texans will be the surprise teams of the playoffs.

Swap Texans for Lions and this is spot on. You heard about the Raiders here first folks!

Jay Cutler will be playing for a different team next season. He won't give a shit.

This wasn't too much of a bold prediction so here's a new one, Jay Cutler will play for the Jets in 2017 and still won't give a shit.

Ryan Tannehill is slightly less Mediocre but Dolphins still go 7-9.

A soft schedule and Jay Ajayi already has them at 7 wins. However, next 4 games are Cardinals, @ Buffalo, @ NYJ and finishing with New England. Tannehill remains mediocre and I still think this is correct.

Adrian Peterson gets hurt. C'mon, he's 31! Remember Shaun Alexander?

Didn't even make it to week 3.

Romo will play at the end of the season. But this is his last ride in Dallas.

This could still be 100% correct, he'll get some snaps week 17 because....

Dallas wins maybe 6 games this season. Maybe.

....this prediction was 100% off and they'll have home field already locked up.



Ugh, with Dallas and New England as our most likely Superbowl its safe to say 2016 really has been a terrible year for everyone involved.

Now, lets do like we do every year and break down our playoffs in order of who I'd least like to see win it all all the way to who I'd most like to see win it all.

PERSON I LEAST WANT TO SEE WIN IT! Speedos and Nair: No surprise here. Shane's added a thick layer of collusion and under-handedness to this league that's never existed before. Suddenly I'm having to become the Rodger Goodell of this league, suspending Tom Brady and enforcing strict waiver wires policies because everyone's looking for an unfair edge. When he drafted his team I laughed at DeMarco Murray, expecting him to go down hard to injury. I was wrong about DeMarco but the rest of his team is falling apart quickly and hopefully it's enough to stifle his playoff run and his complaining. At least until next season.

Victorious Secrets: Back to back titles? Homie don't play that! Unless it's me of course. Kimmie's team has been all over the board but Zeke (whom she auto-drafted) has put the Dallas Cowboys on his back and carried them into the playoffs. Glitter farts will now hope he's hungry enough to keep it going for 3 more weeks.

It's a Hard Gronk Life: Sorry babe, but I can't have this. I can't go through the summer knowing you became the champ your first season whereas I have been the champ one season out of nine. I'm proud you made this far but time to lose babe.

Shock and Awe: As our President Elect and Great Leader has made clear, I can't Make America Great Again (#MAGA) and be nice to Mexicans. They don't go hand in hand. So enough is enough Casey, time to lose. I don't want to have to report you to one of the re-education camps coming to the US in 2017. Don't make me do that!

TDs and Beer: Great guy, Great team name, Great ass. The kind of ass name I wouldn't mind at all seeing on a trophy....if I ever get around to getting us a trophy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . Mike's a good guy who drafts wisely and deserves a good win. I wouldn't be mad at all.

PERSON I WANT TO SEE IT WIN IT ALL! Evil Shenanigans, of course, but since that won't be possible Devonta Freeman would be my second choice. God bless the broken road that led E to this moment. 9 seasons, 1 playoff appearance and maybe now 1 championship??? If the Cubs can win a title and Cleveland can win a title then I believe Eric Pitt can win a title too. Wouldn't that be something?

Welp, that's it for Commish Reports this season. Hope you kids have had as much fun reading as I've had writing them. Each week I think I don't have anything to write about and sure enough some bad jokes and musing find their way onto the interwebs for Shane to skip down to see if I picked him or not and complain either way.

I appreciate you all for playing this season. I'm always laughing when the chat starts lighting up during games. Makes every Sunday a little better and I thank you.

Now what do I write about?

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 13

Merry Christmas Sports Fans!

Every Christmas season I like to catch a live holiday show. Last year, Katie and I went to the world famous Kaufman opera house to watch The Nutcracker. We dressed up, drank wine, it was very fancy pantsy. Last night, I took her to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra which is basically the Monster Truck Rally of Christmas shows. Gotta admit, I had a blast, but I think I got whiplash from the culture swing. Lights, Lasers, Smoke, Fireballs, Marching Nutcrackers, Dragons, Helicopters, Big Hair, Tigers.... it was the birth of Jesus, just like the Bible depicted it. It was awesome.


College Football season is winding down and I gotta say good riddance. The Ducks are awful, Chip Kelly is not walking through that door. With Ohio State and Alabama locked in as our title game I'm basically rooting for a stadium collapse, smushing both teams. haha "smush". The only way I would watch the College Football Playoffs is if they tossed Michigan back in to face Ohio State and we added the Cleveland Browns as the fourth seed to see what happens.

This is the final round of regular season games. My mom broke my heart last week with the come from behind win, officially knocking me into the shameful world of mathematically eliminated. I'm already planning my 2017 draft so lets just get on to this week's games (3-3 last week. Shane's fault)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Evil Shenanigans vs. GlassCaseOfEmotion: Ha! Just kidding. $%#^ This season. Maybe I go out with a win?

The Real MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Devonta Freeman vs DOGS RUNNING WILD: The year is 2007. The place, Ashland Oregon. Eric and I are sitting around a table at Creekside Pizza, probably enjoying a slice of Pep with a cold blue AMF. I mention that I want to start a Fantasy Football league and he's down to play. Later we go to Vinyl club and dance around like drunk idiots to "Crank That" by Soulja Boy. ALMOST A DECADE LATER.... Eric is on the verge of his very first Playoff appearance. The promise land! And he's a 2nd seed! First week BYE!!! The only thing standing in his way? My moms. Should he lose, he could potentially fall completely out of the playoffs. Will this be the greatest season of E's career OR his most heartbreaking finale yet? I believe. I believe in E. This is his moment. The world is yours young man. E wins by 9pts.

Live Look at Kim's Team against Shane

Speedo's and Nair vs Victorious Secret: The 2016 regular season ends with a rematch of the 2015 title. Would be a great matchup if Shane's team wasn't already folding like dogs from injuries. Snead? Hunter Henry? Smallwood? Who are these players!? The only guys missing from this lineup are Shane Falco and Uncle Rico. Meanwhile, Kimmie's team keeps feeding Zeke and she was quick to grab waiver wire gem Tyreek Hill, who's been beating coverage lately like he beat his pregnant college Girlfriend in 2015 (people don't forget!). But we all know Kimmie won't let "character flaws" stop her from returning to post season glory (See: Kaepernick, Colin) and I just don't see Dennis Pitta exploding for 15pts this week. Kimmie wins handily this week, but at what price?

MakeDallasGreatAgain vs The Hard Gronk Out of the Season: Beginners luck continues to plague this league with Hiro in position to make the playoffs in her rookie season. This is basically a March Madness play-in game where the winner punches their ticket with a win to only get absolutely humiliated by North Carolina Duke in the first round. I still maintain Steve has the best running back combo in the league but they rarely get on the same page in the same week. Between that and playing the Kaepernick card, I clearly cannot choose the wine in front of me. I'll take Hiro to win and continue the beginners luck streak in the league. Katie wins by one Dez Bryant touchdown you...one he actually caught.

The Naughty Nurse vs the Dirty Mexican: No team has been more all over the place than Annes. She's scored over 140pts twice, she has failed to break 100 seven times. Meanwhile, the Mexican has been the model of consistency. He's up at 5am each day and my front lawn looks perfect by 9am. Anne's got some sweet matchups this week with her boys facing the defensive likes of detroit, indy and Houston. But Casey's cardinals are playing against the lowly Washington Redskins, at home. The world expect that game to be a complete shootout and Casey has hedged his bets appropriately. The Mexican wins again this week and continues to be the favorite to win it all.

TDs and Beer vs BRFs: Current projections has Mike scoring a gentleman's 105 points and Staci scoring an astounding 66 points after the FOUR Cowboys on her team scored a combined 18 points. Ouch. TDs are bigger than ever this week, wins by bunches.

Hope you guys have fun at Pizza Schmedisha (sp?) today and big congrats to those who partook in the Reindeer Games Crossfit competition this past weekend. Did Casey DJ while still being drunk from the night before again? That silly Mexican. He can't stay sober.

Now I have a Machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 12

Such a fun week last week! I got to go to my very first NFL game which was great. Travis Kelce is a giant of a human being and Andy Reid moves around the sideline like Danny Devito did as the Penguin in Batman Returns, its uncanny. While the final outcome wasn't ideal, I had a blast. Big hearted thank you to my lovely girlfriend Katie for the early Christmas present. Additionally, both my fantasy teams won, the Dolphins won and Steve still won't talk to me after the yuuuuuuge upset of Ducks over Utes with TWO SECONDS LEFT ON THE CLOCK. Then at 2 in the morning I got the fatburger because it was a good day.

Only two weeks left in the season and I'm pretty sure the only manager who has been actually eliminated from the playoffs is Carla because that's what an 8 game losing streak will do to ya. And with two games remaining the ONLY manager who is safely in the post season is the Mexican. Which won't ever happen again.  Not in Trump's America. #MAGA

If X is > than the ratio of Y squared then
I'M GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS BABY!!!!

I've ran every scenario in which I could still make the playoffs.

Scenario 1 (Ideal)
I win out.
Hiro loses her next two.
Steve and E each lose one of their next two.
I score enough points to win the tie-breaker.
2nd seed in the playoffs.

OR

Scenario 2 (Less Ideal)
I win out.
Steve and E each lose one of their next two.

Either Anne or Glitter Farts lose their next two. 

I score enough points to win the tie-breaker.
6th seed in the playoffs.

Down but never out! On to this week's MATCHUPS!!!! (3-3 last week, I'll never figure this season out :( )

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! The Naughty Nurse vs The Naughty Cop: This 2nd battle between slutty halloween costumes is essentially a playoff game for both. Now I want to use this time to call someone out. Kimmie claimed that she couldn't login to the draft when it started, causing her to autodraft her first pick (Zeke). We know this because she complained about it early, loudly and frequently. Even going as far as to claim unfairness, boarder line collusion. Later she got control of her draft and went on to pick the likes of Gronk, Watkins, Hyde, Moncrief, and Foster. Only one of which will play for her this week and none of which that were worth the round in which they were taken. Should she win this week, and go on to make the playoffs, who deserves more credit? Kim or Yahoo Sports? What's really in those binders of research? And who did she take first in 26 of the 32 mock drafts she did leading up to the draft? Was it Zeke? Yahoo sports wins this matchup by the 7pts Zeke beat his projection by.

This is what a winner looks like!

BRFs get frequently beat vs The Mexican who couldn't lose: Casey's looking good. I mean really good. And I'm not talking about that radio advertisement in which Casey's Pajama's look a lot like what I have would wear on a Saturday night. No, I'm talking about his fantasy team that beat shane last week by more points than Shane's team even scored. Jumping on the Kirk Cousin train has really helped right the Shock N Awe ship which isn't surprising because Casey loves Cousins. He has 20 of them! 13 of them not in jail. Meanwhile, I still don't know what a BRF is other than something that is easily defeated. The mexican keeps cruising this week into the playoffs, probably on a lowered single cab pickup truck. Casey by mucho.

Steve vs Carla: Carla hasn't won since week 3 but you know who that was against? Her loving husband Steve. At time of press, she's a 1pt favorite to sweep her husband this season in their head to head matchups. I'd really love to see that happen. Especially since I need Steve to lose one of his next two. I don't think that will happen this week, especially after 20+ pts by Bell. But I will laugh with delight if I'm wrong and Carla pulls off the improbable upset....again. Steve by 10pts.

Speedos & Nair vs TDs & Beer: Pretty obvious which team name wins. It's saturday and Shane has almost scored as many points as his entire squad put up last week. Mike got a huge performance from Antonio Brown but needed a little more bump and grind from R. Kelly. This one should be a high scorer between 2 playoff bound teams but I gotta believe Shane bounces back from last week's dismal showing and slides up in the seeding after DeMarco Murray eats the bears Defense alive. Shane by 19pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs. DOGS RUNNING WILD: Really proud of the fact I got my mom to partake in a joke this week regarding Stripper-grams in Utah. Last year she bought me whiskey for Christmas, this year she's googling "Affordable Stripper Grams in Utah" while at her government job. It took me 32 years but I finally ruined her. Hopefully I do as much damage to her fantasy team as I did to the integrity of her Internet history this week. Off to a great start with Ebron putting up the goose-egg on Thanksgiving. Now if only Todd Gurley can run like Todd Gurley circa 2015 ran I should have this one in the bag. Unfortunately as my 4-7 record will tell you, Todd Gurley is not the same Todd Gurley who won rookie of the year last year. Not even close. But still, Shenanigans gets a rare win this week, by 10 missed Ebron points.

Hard Gronk Life vs Hard Luck Eric: That's the difference one win can make in this league. E at 5-6....no where near the post season (for the 9th year in a row). Hiro at 6-5, sitting pretty in the post season as the 2nd seed with a 1st round BYE. The Legacy division has become the Fantasy equivalent of the NFC South, nobody seems to even want to win the division! While I need Katie to lose 2 of her next 2 games, I know I can count on Eric to fall apart at the end of this season like he has fallen apart at the end of almost every other season we've ever played in the league. Death, Taxes and Eric not making the playoffs. Katie by 14pts.

Hope every one had a fantastic Thanksgiving dinner. I know I did! I'm thankful for everyone in this league who actually takes time each week to read my musing about football. Seriously, you guys are great. We may live in different time zones, but football keeps me close to all of ya and I like that.

I will make the playoffs and win this league again someday, it is my Density….I mean…my Destiny.

The two best teams in the NFL are the Cowboys and the Patriots.
The best team in college is Alabama.
2016 really is the worst year.

Dormammu, I've come to bargain!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 11

A man with a Mustache is never wrong.

Short report this week as I am heading out the door to my first Chiefs game! Tailgaters started an hour ago so I'm already well behind as I write this. But don't despair, I have a brand new Travis Kelce jersey, about 12 delicious Boulevard Brewery cold ones and a freshly shaven mustache to bring to Arrowhead. And probably the only asian.

ON TO THE MATCHUPS!!!! (4-2 again last week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! The Man Bear versus the Mexican: Clearly this season the crossfit division is the SEC and the Legacy division is the MAC at best, probably more like a Thanksgiving pickup game at the local park. The kinda game where it's all fun until some jackass former player decides to drop a shoulder into an unsuspecting Scott Roberts. C'mon man, we're just having fun here. So this could be a Superbowl preview. Casey turned around his fall from grace by narrowly escaping an upset bid by Evil Shenanigans, but now faces the 2nd best team in his division. This is like LSU vs Bama except it will be watchable. Willie Snead hit his 3pt average for Shane to get the party started, but DeMarco against Indy will probably rack up 30+ points at least. Meanwhile, Casey's Cardinals are facing the Purple People Eaters from Minnesota and that's whatever "unfortunate" is in Spanish. Gotta give it to Shane this week as his team builds a wall around Casey's team and makes him pay for it. Shane by 19pts.

Hot Cop on Cop Action: I love it when these two square off in a duel of imagery football! I like to think it consumes their household for the entire week (if they had a household anymore that is). For the record, Kimmie is 3-1 against her husband, including one playoff victory. A rivalry only becomes a rivalry when both sides win. Mike got lucky at the beginning of the season but Kimmie's team is on a 5 game win streak, rushing toward the playoffs while Zeke rushes to the MVP and Rookie of the Year awards. This one's gonna be a close one! Zeke has been nothing short of fantastic and I'll be there in person as the Chiefs demolish Tampa Bay so I'm going to go with Kimmie to get the win today and continue wearing the fantasy football pants in this and every household they share. Glitter farts by 10pts.

#GlassCaseOfLosses vs. Already Listening to Christmas Music and putting her Cats into Christmas Sweaters: Poor Carla, those 2 wins must feel like an eternity ago. Good grab of Rawls off the waiver wire though, I thought I was the only one who picked up on that. What an insane night for Luke Kuechly on Thursday. Guy scores a touchdown, gets touchdown taken away, plays a huge game, leaves sobbing. That dude is as tough as they come and that was hard to watch. Still don't understand how that was a head injury but I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV. I've also totally digressed from my point with is Katie wins by 19pts.

MakeDallasGreatAgain vs. DOGS RUNNING WILD: Steve still hasn't texted me back since the Oregon Ducks beat his beloved Utes with a Touchdown as time expired. Wish I could have watched that game, I got Mizzou versus who gives a crap instead. But what a game! My mom meanwhile got her win of the season last week with not just a victory but a down-right thrashing of Anne's squad. I expect the good luck to keep going and the bad luck to keep going this week as Steve's nightmare of a football weekend gets worse with a Dallas falling at home to the Ravens and then him losing to my moms. A hat trick of losses for him so to speak. DOGS by 8pts.

BRFs get beat half the time vs Naughty Nurse: Another close matchup in the Crossfit league sees nurse against nurse. I expect a low scoring affair as Anne's team either goes off for 160 against me or 60 against everyone else, apparently. This might come down to one player going off and I believe that one player will be Aaron Rodgers and I have an odd feeling about that Dallas Baltimore game. So I'll take Anne to win this close but low scoring throwdown, by 5pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs Devonta Freeman: Holy crap it's November and Eric hasn't been eliminated from the playoffs! Yet! Seems like nobody wants to win our division, which is fine by me because I'm still mathematically in this guy! Somehow... And the collapse of E is as predictable as the collapse of Andy Dalton in the playoffs. He's already missing his two best Atlanta Falcons. While Cam and Cooks didn't do much to help, which for anyone questioning that decision no other combination of opposing Quarterbacks (Brees and Cam) have put up more points against each other over the past 3 years. But I failed to take into consideration how Thursday Night Football is ruining the sport each and every week. Nevertheless I expect to win this week in a close battle. Evil triumphs, by 9pts.

GO CHIEFS!!!!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 10

This week the United States elected the guy who fired Lil Jon (twice!) for delegating important tasks to Meat Loaf but then not following up as effectively as he could have which cost the team during an important Nabisco Cookie project presentation.

Now, I'm not about to turn my beloved weekly report into a 500 word Facebook post about what this election means to me. I'm sure your FB wall, like my FB wall, is already too full of those. And as a white heterosexual male, I lack a lot of "authority" in the issues of this week. I'll just say this, I encourage the good people of this league to go find one of the dozen black people living in Medford and say something encouraging to them. If you can't find them, a Mexican will do pinch. A half Mexican won't be enough. While the headlines are focused on the stupid white kids in Portland who forgot to vote so they're taking it out on the local Safeway, there are circles of people who are legitimately worried about how their neighbors feel about them today as a result of this election. They're worried about their safety and their future. Which is sad. So regardless what your politics are, a friendly reminder that racism/sexism/homophobia/etc doesn't surround them will go a long way this week.

And if there's any diversity in Utah, although I haven't seen any evidence of this, but in any case be nice to them too. Be exceptionally Mormon this week.

Lets save all our nastiness toward each other for important issues like trades and collusion.

And now I'll take a kneel on political issues and get to this weeks' MATCHUPS!!!! (4-2 last week, it has taken me 2 months but starting to figure things out)

True story!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! DOGS RUNNING WILD vs NURSES GETTING NAUGHTY: I've had this matchup circled on my calendar since the draft! Since I can remember my mom has a Quarterback Crush. In 1984 it was Dan Marino, she spent the 90's in a Brett Farve phase, she got a Peyton Manning jersey for Christmas in 2005 and for the last 4 years she can't R-E-L-A-X about Aaron Rodgers. So when Anne STOLE HER MAN in the first round of the draft... IT. WAS. ON! Like Donkey Kong. To make things worse, Anne has just let Rodgers sit on her bench for most the season, rubbing salt in the wound. Assuming Anne's team doesn't go off for another 145.66 god damn points, this should be a competitive matchup. Real competitive in fact, it's a 50-50 split. It's going to come down to one simple thing and I think that'll be defense. My mom chose wisely, grabbing the defense playing the Cleveland browns is a real smart choice. Meanwhile, Anne has the defense going against Tom Brady, and that is less smart. Revenge is spelled D-O-G-S this week, by 4pts.

Tony "The Big Dilemma" Romo vs. Smaller TDs Each and Every Week: Each of these teams got off to a hot start and now each team is hovering around the .500 mark. Steve picked the wrong season so avoid EVERY Dallas Cowboy. So he wants to make Dallas Great but doesn't want to be any part of it. Sorta like how Colin Kaepernick wanting change in America but thinks Voting is worthless. If there's one thing about this season it's been league parity, even the Mexican is coming back down to earth. And with a Steve win both these teams would be exactly .500. So I'll go that way, Steve wins when LeVeon and Lamar finally get it together on the same week and give him the 12pts he needs to win with.

BRFs Easily Get Beaten vs #GlassCaseOfEmotion: The current project of both these teams equals how much Anne scored last week. Someone's got to win between these two but your guess is as good as mine. Nevin's a huge Dallas fan and I expect that one to become a shootout so I'll give her the edge in this one. Nevin by 16pts.

Devonta E man vs Victorious Secret: Look at E! Sitting on top of the Division. Although I think everyone in the Legacy division has been 1st place at some point (except me of course). Now, is it enough to actually make the playoffs? Probably not. Eric's been in this spot before, and consistently found a way to make sure he never sees a glimpse of the post season. History can teach us a lot about the future and History has shown that Eric's team will fall with the temperature like he always does. I'll take Histor-E to repeat it self, an E collapse and a Kimmie victory, by 10pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs. The Mexican: I fully expected to lose this matchup. I'm missing my Carr to Cooper connection and Casey's team has been on nothing short of a roll. But if I won everything else I would have a shot at the playoffs. Then last week I ran into a wall bigger than the one Trump wants to build to keep Casey's cousin's out of America. Now I'm in a must win situation. Casey's on a two game losing streak and I'm hoping Cam Newton, my man!, can help me make it three. Keeping my playoff hopes alive for another week. It's David versus Goliath (If Goliath had a small landscaping business) and I need to pull this upset off or else its game over. Shenanigans prevails, by 8pts.

Speedo's and Tomin vs. #MakeAmericaGronkAgain: This one will be a lot of fun to follow. I love the trash talk, love the mind games, love the matchup. Hiro has her Patriots back and maybe Dak actually throws the ball to Dez this week. How is Dak2Dez not a bigger thing?! Shane's team is back to full strength as well, with Big Ben successfully kicking in 9 of 10 bathroom stall doors at practice this week. This one's gonna come down to the wire and I think I gotta go with Shane to edge out Hiro this week. I believe in Shane. I guarantee Shane wins this week. I gotta real solid hunch his team will win. There's no way Shane doesn't win this week. I spoke with Micah, HE also says Shane will win this week. And that dude is always right. Shane by 10pts.

Ordered and watched my first UFC event last night. Money well spent when Hiro shrieked and buried her face in a pillow after Yoel Romero busted open the head of Chris Weidman like a cherry tomato.

Trump: Lil' Jon, You're fired!
Lil Jon: WHAT?!?!?!
Trump: You're Fired!
lil Jon: WHAT?!?!?!?!
Trump: You're fired.
lil jon: OKAY!!!!!!!!!

I would tell my future son or daughter, let them laugh today and then do something about it if it really bothers you.

Lamar Jackson versus Alabama would be incredible to watch. Fingers crossed.

USC has been ruining PAC12 credibility since 2007!

And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 9

Huge story in the NFL this week!!! Huge! Yuuuge! And I'm actually really surprised it didn't get more coverage, or a fine, or at least an investigation by the NFL into who, how and what exactly happened.

I'm not talking about the drop in ratings. Because the league's no longer any fun according to Richard Sherman.

I'm not talking about Tom Brady potentially becoming the MVP and spitting in Roger Goodell's smug face one more time.

Not even who should be the QB1 for the Dallas Cowboys (and God I hope its Romo).

No, this is the story, the NFL story of the century in my opinion.

"You'll put your eye out with that thing!"

Yup, that's no flag. It's a Dildo. Some fan threw a dildo on the field. What a dick.

Now, before we dismiss this as a simple act of juvenile debauchery lets think about everything that happened here for just a moment. 

First off.... what. a. throw! The angle in which this dick hits the turf shows that the fan was most likely in the corner of the stands. You've also got to believe that this wise ass....err penis... err....ass was clever enough not to be sitting in those first few rows (otherwise, he would be discovered quickly). So, most likely this guy was 20-30 yards away, surrounded by bodies, visibility hindered while under pressure and he puts the dildo exactly where only the camera would get it, while not obscuring the play. Given the unpredictable physics of a flying dildo while taking into account the flopping on the field, this was an AMAZING throw. I'd wager only 20 of the league's starting 32 quarterbacks could have squeezed that dildo into such a tight window. This guy could walk on to the Cleveland Browns this week. Probably the Houston Texans too.

Your purse must be bigger than the penis hidden inside.

Secondly, lets talk security. After the tragedy of the Boston Marathon the NFL severely stepped up security through the league. I checked the NFL official guidelines and you can only bring a 1 gallon zip lock back, purchase one of the see through NFL branded tote bags OR one small handbag meeting the following restrictions. Now, they say the NFL is a "game of inches" and even through that is a white Dildo it appears to stretch further than 6.5 inches. I mean he could have crammed that in the handbag but it would have been slightly obvious to security yea? "Sir, is that a dick in your purse?" So thus remains the question, how did this dick get that dick into the stadium?!? Did he have a jacket? It doesn't look that cold out there so wouldn't security obviously pat down the guy in the thick coat on a warm fall day? Or did he just casually walk through security with a dick up his sleeve? Either way, this guy is clearly the Danny Ocean of dildo smuggling. 

And finally, who thinks like this? Who pre-meditates a random act of dildo on live TV to this extent? How much planning goes into such a scheme anyways? Maybe it was a last second decision on his way out the door and now he has a pissed off wife who's most private or purchases went from the back of the sock drawer to national television. OR was it an idea he hatched while taking a shower a few months back, wrote everything down, analyzed all possible outcomes, practiced his dildo throws in secrecy ("Kids, stay out of the back yard for the next hour". Was there a back up dildo hidden away or was this a one shot deal? If he had a back up Dildo would he call it "Dak" or "Tony"? The Dak Up Dildo!

So that's how you throw one!

Turns out our guy has been revealed as long time Bills fan, first time dick thrower @hub_nation. Who is erecting an online empire over the incident. T-shirts, like the one on the right can be purchased for 19.99 and their first official meetup, "The Great Dildo Toss Off" will be rising happening this Monday at the Providence Social in Buffalo. I'm listed as "Maybe" on the Facebook invite. 

I'm glad this story has a happy ending.

But enough foreplay, lets get footballs deep into this weeks MATCHUPS!!! (4-2 last week!) 

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Veto's and Nair: Shane likes to complain. If anyone hasn't noticed. And sometimes he complains specifically about the lack of communication in our league. He wants everyone to contribute like he does, which means more smack talk, more threats, more bets and more weekly collusion. But not everyone is an emotional man-child like Shane and they carry a lot of weight in the very few words (or images) they post. Case in point, my moms. Who waited patiently until after she had soundly defeated Shane last season to send a charming emoji which was her way of saying "I  $%^@ING OWNED YOUR $##". Now, while I am dreading the inevitable wave of inappropriate comments coming my way should he emerge victorious, I can't see a way in which the big bear loses this week's matchup. Big Ben is back, DeMarco is DeHealthy (for now) and after all this drama this week I guarantee Snead finds the endzone because the fantasy gods have been relentlessly punishing since before Donald Trump became a politician. I'm rooting for ya moms but I gotta think you can't upset evil again this year. Shane by 18pts. 

Victorious Half the Time vs #GlassCaseOfEmojis: Since starting 2-1 Carla is riding a streak of 5 losses straight into the basement of the league. This is what happens when your two starting running backs play for Jacksonville and Cleveland. Meanwhile Kim has been up and down all season, riding the hard running of Zeke Elliot while....gambling? on the success of Tim Hightower? This team is a real Jekyll and Hyde. Last week you were a beast, handing the Mexican his first loss. This week, maybe not a Mr. Hyde like last week when you handed the Mexican his first loss, but even Doctor Jekyll is enough of a threat to shatter this emotional case of players. Kimmie wins again, by 14pts.

BRFs Can't Be Traded vs. School of Hard Gronks: Poor Nevin, nobody wants her to trade. Kinda like how nobody wants to actually pay for Kanye album now. So her week rests on the morales of her peers. Will they veto another fair trade agreement, denying her the RB she needs to succeed? Or will avoid digging through the waiver wire bin? We'll know tomorrow, but even with Mr. West on her team, Katie's team is trickier to beat than it looks and after 3 more garbage time Bortles TDs (to make up for Tom Brady's absence) I'll say she edges out Nevin in a close one. Hiro by 8pts. 

TDs and....Losses? vs Devonta Freeman scores again: 

I'm sure Mike misses these days dearly. Back when the TDs were big and plentiful. And in his hands. But unfortunately he has since learned life ends after the age of 30, for us and especially for NFL Running Backs. Now he's still a respectable 5-3 but gone are the days his old war horses gave him blow out victory after blow out victory. And then there's the Atlanta Falcons Devonta "E" Freeman, who's team lives and dies on the offensive success of one particular team. Who performed pretty well actually! I smell an upset this week as E gets a win while Mike continues to deal with lagging TDs. E by 9pts. 

Evil Shenanigans vs The Naughty Nurse: Currently projected as a coin flip, after Matt freakin' Ryans 4 scores and a billion yards against a non existent Tampa D. Anne and I's team has scored the same 803 points this season so far. This one really is anyone's ball game. However, my team has gone from heating up to HE'S ON FIRE! over the last three weeks and I won't let this nurse try to bring my temperature down this week. Evil wins, because good is dumb. By 10pts. 

MakeRomoGreatAgain vs Brad Pitt as "The Mexican"... Who thought that was good casting?: Casey shake and Baker finally felt the sting of defeat last week and is determined not to make it two in a row. The huge game from Mike Evans certainly helps but a banged up TY Hilton and a Jerrick McKinnon sighting doesn't have me hopeful for his chances. Meanwhile, Steve-o isn't exactly at full strength either but I like his odds after T Pryor continues his magic and LeVeon Bell keeps Big Ben from throwing the ball 50 times again. Casey hates it when I underestimate the Mexican but then does something like starts Ryan Tannehill so Steve by 11pts this week!

Whew! This was a long one. But I really had to let that dildo story hang out there. 

Fantastic weekend last week with my first Crossfit competition in over 3 years. 

16 competitors

Event 1: 5th Place, I'm in a world of hurt but feeling good.

Event 2: 6th Place, I never was a fast deadlifter...it's why my back still works.

Event 3: 3rd Place, WOW I am in better shape than I thought I was!!!

Event 4: 12th place, oh no, still a fattie. A few "Z-man sandwiches" away from the podium after all. 

Super proud of my beautiful Hiro who competed as well as a team with her fellow AvengHer. Her goal..."Not dead last" her finish "2nd to dead last" GREAT SUCCESS!!!!! 

Many beers and ribs were consumed afterward. 

Seeing Doctor Strange tonight, really excited to watch Sherlock become a Wizard. 

But first a nap!

The Commish

S. 

The Commish Report: Week 8

Short one this week. I'm running on E.

Strike a Matchup and light it up!!!! (Trump told me he was 6-0 last week. Really hard to argue with that guy)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! The Mexican vs The Defending Champion: You know who I love? Ric "The Nature Boy" Flair. Man that guy was great. White Hair. Bedazzled Bath Robe. The original 'Dad Bod'. Stylin', profilin'. limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin' n' dealin' son of a gun! WHOOO! His philosophy was simple, you wanna be the man you gotta beat the man. The Mexican is flying high and has a chance to not only beat but to SWEEP the man....errrr....woMAN on his way to knighting himself the baddest hombre in the prison yard. RECORD WATCH: Casey is three wins away from setting a new winning streak record and 6 more wins gives him the best season ever. For Kim a win would get her back to .500. That's it. I'll take the Mexican by 14 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs!!!!!!!!!!

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs CATS POOPING IN BOXES: My mom has decided, since she didn't get Aaron Rodgers in the draft, that she'll take all his wideouts instead. Not sure which I'd be more upset about, Katie's bench which is projected to score 0 points due to BYEs and Injuries, or leaving 15pts on my bench already because THAT wide receiver doesn't catch passes from discount double check. This will be a close coin flip but I gotta go with my moms on this one behind big games from Luck, The Quizz Show and J Hill. Dogs rule and Cats drool, by 7pts.

The Naughty Nurse vs The Naughty TDs: Both teams are 4-3. Both next to each other in the standings. Pretty much projected the same points. They both have a bunch of Saints. In a matchup like this you have to look at those intangibles that as an expert fantasy football analysts I know will separate the winner of the is matchup from the loser. Mike grabbed R. Kelly off of waiver wires this week and thats awesome. Assuming he doesn't piss the bed (with a minor in it) that could be the great play that gets Mike a close win this week, by 6 Bump & Grinds.

Shane vs. Nevin: It's Saturday night and even Yahoo gives Nevin only an 8% chance of updating her roster winning. The record of Margin of Victory is 95.10 (set by my mom) and we might see that fall this week. Shane by bunches.

Devonta Freeman vs. #GlassCaseOfLosses: What happened you guys?! After both of you starting the season off 2-1 I knew this would be a turn around year for at least ONE of you! But instead you've collectively gone 1-8 since. Someday you'll return to the postseason, but doesn't look like today is that day. I'll give this one to Eric, because of Marcus Mariota. Who is a GOD. E by 19.90pts.

MakeDallasGreatAgain vs Evil Shenanigans: "Game Time decision" has to be the worst 3 words in Fantasy Football. The worst 2 words are probably "BYE Week". The worst word in Fantasy Football is clearly "Nevin". Steve's only dealing with 2 of those 3 scenarios this week with a banged up Lamar Miller, Randall Cobb, Stephon Diggs, T Pryor and Me and Matt Jones. Which is great news for me! I'm hot as hell and riding a sweet 2 game winning streak. Have the stars aligned? Is this the improbable run to the Playoffs for me?! I think its fate. Evil Shenanigans wins by 5 injuries and a BYE week!

Tickets to the World Series - $750 was the cheapest one recorded.
Cover charge at bars around Wrigley - Starting at $100.
Still the lovable loser? - Priceless.

Is CLEVELAND really the best town in sports?

Had a blast today competing for the first time in 3 years. Been a long time since I pushed myself this hard at the game of fitness. Repressed memories came up and more. It was bad. But I finished 6 out of 15. Was a solid 3rd place until my old nemesis Burpee Box Jump came up. I made those look like Micah makes a 4ft fence look :(

Whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 8

Short one this week. I'm running on E this week.

Strike a Matchup and light it up!!!! (Trump told me he was 6-0 last week. Really hard to argue with that guy)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! The Mexican vs The Defending Champion: You know who I love? Ric "The Nature Boy" Flair. Man that guy was great. White Hair. Bedazzled Bath Robe. The original 'Dad Bod'. Stylin', profilin'. limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin' n' dealin' son of a gun! WHOOO! His philosophy was simple, you wanna be the man you gotta beat the man. The Mexican is flying high and has a chance to not only beat but to SWEEP the man....errrr....woMAN on his way to knighting himself the baddest hombre in the prison yard. RECORD WATCH: Casey is three wins away from setting a new winning streak record and 6 more wins gives him the best season ever. For Kim a win would get her back to .500. That's it. I'll take the Mexican by 14 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs!!!!!!!!!!

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs CATS POOPING IN BOXES: My mom has decided, since she didn't get Aaron Rodgers in the draft, that she'll take all his wideouts instead. Not sure which I'd be more upset about, Katie's bench which is projected to score 0 points due to BYEs and Injuries, or leaving 15pts on my bench already because THAT wide receiver doesn't catch passes from discount double check. This will be a close coin flip but I gotta go with my moms on this one behind big games from Luck, The Quizz Show and J Hill. Dogs rule and Cats drool, by 7pts.

The Naughty Nurse vs The Naughty TDs: Both teams are 4-3. Both next to each other in the standings. Pretty much projected the same points. They both have a bunch of Saints. In a matchup like this you have to look at those intangibles that as an expert fantasy football analysts I know will separate the winner of the is matchup from the loser. Mike grabbed R. Kelly off of waiver wires this week and thats awesome. Assuming he doesn't piss the bed (with a minor in it) that could be the great play that gets Mike a close win this week, by 6 Bump & Grinds.

Shane vs. Nevin: It's Saturday night and even Yahoo gives Nevin only an 8% chance of updating her roster winning. The record of Margin of Victory is 95.10 (set by my mom) and we might see that fall this week. Shane by bunches.

Devonta Freeman vs. #GlassCaseOfLosses: What happened you guys?! After both of you starting the season off 2-1 I knew this would be a turn around year for at least ONE of you! But instead you've collectively gone 1-8 since. Someday you'll return to the postseason, but doesn't look like today is that day. I'll give this one to Eric, because of Marcus Mariota. Who is a GOD. E by 19.90pts.

MakeDallasGreatAgain vs Evil Shenanigans: "Game Time decision" has to be the worst 3 words in Fantasy Football. The worst 2 words are probably "BYE Week". The worst word in Fantasy Football is clearly "Nevin". Steve's only dealing with 2 of those 3 scenarios this week with a banged up Lamar Miller, Randall Cobb, Stephon Diggs, T Pryor and Me and Matt Jones. Which is great news for me! I'm hot as hell and riding a sweet 2 game winning streak. Have the stars aligned? Is this the improbable run to the Playoffs for me?! I think its fate. Evil Shenanigans wins by 5 injuries and a BYE week!

Tickets to the World Series - $750 was the cheapest one recorded.
Cover charge at bars around Wrigley - Starting at $100.
Still the lovable loser? - Priceless.

Is CLEVELAND really the best town in sports?

Had a blast today competing for the first time in 3 years. Been a long time since I pushed myself this hard at the game of fitness. Repressed memories came up and more. It was bad. But I finished 6 out of 15. Was a solid 3rd place until my old nemesis Burpee Box Jump came up. I made those look like Micah makes a 4ft fence look :(

Whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 7

Boo! (Ya Whores.)

Man, when I tossed it out there for someone to guest author this week's commish report I really thought Shane would step up. Or maybe Mike, I'm a huge fan of the way he fights(?) crime all day long with witty Facebook posts. Or maybe someone unexpected like my Moms or a Nurse.

But nothing could have prepared me for who accepted the call.

So without further ado, I turn complete control of this week's commish report over to our guest author, and Presidential Nominee, Donald J. Trump.


Well, first of all, it's great to be with you, and thank you, everybody.

A lot of people, they know me, but they don't know this, football has a very, very, very special place in my heart. It's a tremendous sport. I love teams who win. Who are winners. You know me, I love to win. Nobody loves winning more than I do. And together we are going Big League in November.

I know so much about football it's unbelievable. Really. I draft the best players. All winners. A good draft begins with research. It really is quite amazing how good the research is, but I'm not really, in fact - the research is so obvious and it's so good and nobody has the research like I do. If you knew about these players like I know, well, you would be very happy. 

But lets get on with it. Lets talk about these Matchups (Last week, well it wasn't so good. This week will be a lot better.)

DT + TB = <3

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! Evil Shenanigans vs. It's a Hard Gronk Life: I love Tom Brady. Really, the best Quarterback who ever played. Tom's a good friend of mine. And he should be, we're a lot alike he and I. He's a winner. Like me. I'm a winner. We both love beautiful women. The best women. Most beautiful in the world. By any standard. And we both do whatever it takes to get the job done. We face a lot of adversity for that but, really, at the end of the day, is it any question who you'd want on your side? If you love Tom, like I do, then you love me too. I'll take Tom to win this matchup for Katie and we will win it Big League.

Shock N Awe vs TDs and Beer: Now, there's been a lot of confusion regarding what I think about the Mexican people. I love the Mexican people. I do. I enjoy taco bowls like many of you do. Really. But there are thousands and thousands of bad hombres inside our boarders and we've got to do something about it. They're going to build a plant and illegals are going drive those cars right over the border ... And they'll probably end up stealing the cars. If we don't do something about it. Casey, I don't think, he's not that type of Mexican. Really. How do I know that? He's a winner. And this week, you know what he's going to do, he's going to grab TDs by the pussy. Because when you’re 6-0, they let you do it. You can do anything. 

Jerry with a young woman he respects

BRFs Can't Be Beat vs Victorious Secrets: I love this matchup. You know I do. Really. Because nobody, and I mean nobody, respects women more than I do. Nurses. Cops. Especially around Halloween, when I see so many around. Besides Nurses and Cops, which really, are the best, but maybe there's one better and thats Cowboys. I love Cowboys, and Jerry Jones and I are a lot alike. We both love football and we both respect women. We respect women so much it's ridiculous. And you can't go wrong with the Cowboys. But they can't win if they don't play and there are a lot of Cowboys not playing on Staci's team and you can't win with that. You can't. It's the worst strategy, and we've had 8 years of bad strategy, we don't need anymore bad strategy and this this is bad. Kim wins this, Bigly. 

MakeDallasGreatAgain vs Devonta Freeman: How can I pick a winner between these two losers? Huh? It's impossible. Let me tell you something, these are the people, the haters and the liars, who they just don't get it. They just don't. The players are out there, the matchups are there and they just don't see it. I've done the research. All kinds of research. The best kinds. And if other people want to be walked through it, like babies or something, then I don't know what their problem is. I'm not here to give out handouts and neither Steve or Eric should expect that. 

Speedo's and Nair vs. Naughty Nurse: I meet a lot of people. I've made so many friends this last year. And it's so sad. Michigan. Kentucky. These once great places have been devastated by Crooked Hillary and the loopholes in NAFTA, which, really is the worst deal, and I would know I make deals all day and I make great deals. The best deals. And those deals have brought me a lot of money. But the NAFTA deal made a lot of loopholes for businesses to send these manufacturing jobs overseas. Loopholes like the one in the Waiver wire that Shane took advantage of. And I get it, if its there you take it. But now your team is falling apart, they're folding like dogs and Anne is a nasty woman, she really is, and I think she brings a lot of experience to this matchup but its bad experience it really is. And bad experience isn't enough. Shane with a tremendous win this week. 

#Bromance

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs. #GlassCaseOfEmotion: I talk with Tom a lot. He's a tremendous quarterback and a good friend of mine and Melania. He says look at the stats. Stats cannot lie. And if you look at the stats, and that's what we have here, and not just the stats but the best stats, the clearest, the best, the really good and obvious facts and a lot of people have seen them. We have had a lot of smart people, the smartest, and I have seen them too and the people that don't agree are pinheads. I am decisive. I make a lot of decisions. I make decisions every day and those decisions have brought me a ton of money. Lots of money. I have a lot of money because I am smart and I make the best decisions and you can't argue with that can you? No you can't. 

I think that this has been very well... Scott you're doing a tremendous job as Commission of this league. Thank you. Everyone. Thanks. 

Wow! There you have it. Man, I had no idea how big this little fantasy football blog has gotten!

Wrong!

What? But I thought everyone was having a good ti..

Wrong!

But Mr. Trump, you were so kind earlier?!

From everything I can see, your record, how can anyone respect this person?

I...I'm trying my best...

No puppet. No puppet.

Puppets?! I...what are even you talking about?

You're the puppet!

It's pretty clear this has really gone off the rails.

No, you're the puppet.

Ugh. I'm ending this. Get out and vote my friends!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 6

Hot cup of coffee straight from the French Press, girlfriend happily stuffing animals into tiny NFL apparel, commish report on the lapper, Sunday mornings are the best.

Short report this week. Really, just a boring week in the NFL in general but hey at least the Ducks didn't lose!

Best NFL picture of the last week.

Later today in San Fransisco.
Team: "Kaep, it's 1st and 10 what would you like to do?"
Kaep: "Kneel."
Team: "Haha funny guy, but seriously."
Kaep: "Whats serious is how my people are being treated in the US."
Team: "But Kaep, you're not black."
Kaep: *Kneels*

Lets jump right into the Matchups!!! (3-3 last week. So there's that)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! The Naughty Birthday vs. The Unstoppable Mexican: Happy Birthday Anne! Inappropriate Birthday Meme coming to your Facebook soon. In the meantime, lets talk about how her team has really been on a roll, despite playing the 2nd RB in Philly or the 6th WR in New Orleans. It's really impressive. But this season's Spanish Voldermort, he who should not be named, has dominated the league and gets even better this week with the return of Jamal Charles in Charge. Does Anne have enough birthday magic to put an end to the Mexican's winning streak? I wanna give her some birthday love but the smartest guy I know once said "never underestimate the mexican" and he's pretty smart so Feliz Cumpleaños but the Mexican wins this by 13 chimichangas.

The New England Tom Brady's vs MakeRomoPlayAgain: Lets be honest, the playoffs will be heavily stacked with Crossfitters. Legacy division is basically this year's AFC South and someone has to win it! They'll be rewarded with a 2nd seed placing, a first round BYE and an early exit. That is why this matchup is so important...well "important". Steve, once dominate in the division, has been unseated by our Rookie upstart who, in case you haven't heard, got Tom Brady back last week. I'm gonna take Steve in this after YUUUGE games from Kelvin, Lamar and Bell. That should be enough to cover Brady's 5TDs he'll likely throw against that lovable bungles secondary. Steve wins a close one.

Big TDs out in Miami vs #NeverSayNevin: Antonio Brown in Miami and up against Nevin? The TDs are bigger than ever this week, win by 20pts.

Kim bukaki'd on me vs League Champion: A rematch of last year's championship game but probably not going to be as exciting as that huge upset was. Kim's team just....just stinks. Zeke was a sweet round one pick (that I'm sure Yahoo made for her) and the rest is a patchwork team of long shots. Meanwhile, Shaner has been an absolute roll after a rocky start, riding the legs of Murray and Howard and the insane amount of production Big Ben has had. Gotta give it to Shane this week, who wins by 18pts and 3 big ben busted bathroom stall doors.

Devonta Freeman vs DOGS: E is jumping on the Wentz Wagon! There was plenty of room. Meanwhile my mom is still looking for a replacement for D Williams and D Booker wasn't it. I think this will be a close but low scoring matchup between two teams in the middle of the road. I'm going to go with E after big days from Edelman (See: Brady, Tom) and Freeman who will be heavily used in a stormy NW matchup. dEvonta frEEman by 8pts.

Winless Shenanigans vs. Starfish Loves You: Just a typical season for me, leading the division in pts scored and losses. Bill Parcells is famous for saying "You're only as good as your record" but screw that guy, my team is better than this! Meanwhile Carla is having an up and down season, winning games she shouldn't win while losing games she shouldn't lose. Hopefully the latter holds true and I finally get that first delicious win. Shenanigans gets a W by 10pts.

Hiro has insisted that I tell everyone that it was MY IDEA for her to keep Artis Payne and drop Fozzy Bear. This, of course, was before Artis went off for over 20pts last week. I think the words she's really looking for is "Thank you" but we all know how hard it is for any woman to say that.

This is Kangaroo Court!!!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 5

This weeks treasure trove of NFL musings is coming at you live from the Portland International Airport and this pint of Free Range Red from Laurelwood Brewing Co. 

My 0-4 record is brought to you by disappointments Gurley, Cooks and Cooper. Ugh. 

If Yahoo predictions equaled wins I'd be undefeated. 

"Too many Urkels on you team, that's why your wins low"

BREAKING: Jaguars are real excited about Myles Jack

Gotta be a bit short this week as my Layover is only so long. However, if its words you fancy, I'd like to point out how much Bleacher Reports......reporting is killing it this week. Making all of my afternoon poops reading sessions a delight.

Like this piece about the support Chip Kelly is getting from the players. 

Or this piece about why we all hate Tom Brady (and we do).

Or this piece (actually Vanity Fair, but still featured on Bleacher Report, get off my ass!) about what a screw up Johnny Manziel is. A lot has already been written on this topic.

That'll get you through the poop I'm assuming you're currently on. 

Meanwhile on ESPN Steven A Smith says LeBron isn't as black as Jordan. Ugh...I hate that network. 

On to this weeks MATCHUPS!!! (1-5 last week, man...this season is really slipping away from me.)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! RomoArigatoMrRoboto vs Manneson: Wind back the clocks to 2014, when a dominate #1 seed (Steve) was dramatically upset by a scrappy #6 team (Anne....or rumor has it Anne's Husband) in the championship game (Editors Note: I FINISHED 3RD). Two years later, no love has been lost and currently these teams are projected to put up identical scores. Anne's got a patchwork squad, consisting of Fozzy Bear and the Sproles in feature roles which......well honestly isn't a good sign. Steve meanwhile got LeVeon going and really not much else last week. I just CANT get that excited about a team feature Frank Gore as their best RB option so I'll give it to Steve this week. Redemption spelled P-R-U-I-T-T this week, by 13pts. 

The Mexican vs. E: Pretty sure I said after the draft that the Mexican picked up a solid squad of amigos so don't say I underestimate ya (I just can never resist calling upsets that don't pay off, for christ sake I took the Niners on Thursday night. I need help!). I think this one's a nail biter that could go either way.....just kidding. The Mexican is mean this week and poor E is once again in the wrong place at the wrong time. I feel no empath-E. You see what I did there?! The Mexican wins big, continues dominance, eats nachos. 

Victorious (Finally!) Secrets vs Holding Out For A Hiro: On one hand Carlos Hyde was basically 90% of the Niners offense on Thursday night, but on the other hand Floyd was 0% of the Arizona offense (See: Awe, Shock). Meanwhile, Katie's team is slowing getting healthier/Unsuspended and the guy she sometimes calls me is back in her lineup, throwing against what I assume are 11 Rodger Goodells. Guys seriously, the Patriots are going to kill us all from here on out. And Hiro is the benefactor. God damn Patriots fans.....Hiro wins by the 9 touchdowns I'm assuming Tom throws agains a lowly Cleveland D. 

#GlassCaseOfEmotion vs. Nice Pass, Great TDs: WTF happened last week Mike?!?! Seriously. That was just a let down. Like the Patriots being blanked at home against Rex Ryan. I'm gonna pick you to win this week but I should be more confident about it. Shady McCoy has a broke hand and I. Abdul-Quddus is a terrorist, not a defensive player. Mike wins by 18. 

BRFs Only Win When They're Lucky vs DOGS: Jerrick McKinnon for Eddie Lacy will be a fun trade to evaluate at the end of the year but hey, kick me when I'm down. I told my mom on you and now she's coming to kick your ass with...... W. Smallwood? Even I'm scratching my head on that one. But it wouldn't be the first time my mom pulled a player out of obscurity to win big. And I'm counting on it this week. DOGS wins by 12pts (or 2 Asiata vultured scores) 

Evil Shenanigans vs Speedos and Nair: This matchup probably has a lot riding on......oh what's that? Final Boarding? Shenanigans wins by 9pts.

The Commish

S.

The Commish Report: Week 4

Ah, Fall. Quickly becoming my favorite time of year.

Maybe its because I've spent the last 3 years living in high humidity climates. I haven't stopped sweating daily since May. "You get used to it" my ass.

Or maybe it's this ice cold Funky Pumpkin Beer from Kansas City's world renown Boulevard Brewery helping me write. It's cold, bitter and sour, just like the start of my fantasy season.

Or maybe it's being in the midwest where Fall is a pretty big deal. Hiro and I spent the day at Cider Fest, where local apple farmers open their doors to any bad parenting within 100 miles. Seriously though, just let your kid pet the god damn goat one more time.

But most likely it's because of Football and Football is great in the fall.

....Except this weekend. Only two games feature a winning record vs a winning record and one of those games is Raiders vs Ravens. Yikes. It's a good thing we have fantasy football to make life football more relevant each and every week.

So, despite the lack of actual NFL excitement, there is still plenty of excitement to be had in our first week of cross divisional action, leading to some very intriguing early season matchups. More on that in a minute. The tale of the tape between the two divisions ain't pretty. Legacy division LEADER Steve has 332 points, while Nevin has 315 points and an 0-3 record in her division. Legacy division has only 2 teams over 300pts (I'm one of them), while Crossfit Division has a team over 400pts. This might get ugly. Will the Crossfitters count their Macros and run rickshaw all over the seasoned vets? Or will the Legacy teams pull off a calculated series of crafty upsets?

Lets take a look under the hood at THIS WEEK'S MATCHUPS!!! (3-3 again last week, coin flips)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! #NeverSayNevin vs Evil Shenanigans: In the battle of "someone has to go get a win right?" I'd like to point out that there's more to this matchup than meets the eye. At time of writing, I'm currently 2nd in my division in terms of points scored and Nevin is actually 3rd in hers (I didn't believe this either). So while have unlucky teams, the law of averages states that we will have our day in the sun soon. The turn-around starts for one of us this week. I like my chances, especially since Nevin doesn't have a running back to play. Like, at all. Shenanigans gets the W, but don't call it a comeback....yet....by 14pts.

MakeDallasGreatAgain vs Speedos and Nair: I got a feeling this one will be a slugfest. After an absolutely embarrassing loss to his wife last week, Steve's looking to rebound but AJ Green might have squashed that noise already. He looked like a #1 WR should against that Dolphins secondary. But I believe he has the answer in a young LeVeon Bell, fresh off his 9th drug suspension. Currently these guys are projected around 120pts each and I'm guessing that number gets eclipsed. I'm going to take Steve in this matchup simply because I think Shane just skips down to his matchup paragraph and skips everything else. Steve by 100 LeVeon yards.

Live Look at Kim's Team

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Winless Secrets: Poor Kimmie. While we all believe she didn't mean to draft that team (we don't) her strategy of following Yahoo's rankings to a T isn't paying off the way she had hoped. Zeke seems to be getting better each week and Gronk has gotta return at some point right? In the meantime, my Mom's been riding a fun wave of having RB1 DeAngelo Williams and Jordy Nelson score 8 touchdowns each a week. Oh wait. This week looks a lot different for her. I'm going to call the upset and say Kimmie takes advantage of a weakened DOGS and gets her first win of the season, in a low scorer, by 3pts.

#GlassCaseOfEmotion vs. Shock N Awe: Terrible team name aside, my sister's squad is actually good. Off to a 2-1 start and FAVORED against a 3-0 team of Mexicans, are you kidding me? 20 yards from a Miami Dolphin isn't the greatest start to the week for Baker and with Micah's LA Rams capable of shutting down a slightly struggling Cardinals offense this one could get real interesting real quick. Can't say I have much faith in Duke Johnson Jr. (DJJ as I call him) but since I couldn't bring myself to do it last week I gotta go all in this week. Carla's team upsets the Mexicans, builds a wall, and wins the day by 8pts.

Hard Gronk Life vs TDs in my Face: Bryant, Jennings, Martin, Stewart and Tom Brady still sunbathing naked in Italy (NSFW), Katie's bench is full of shattered hopes. Meanwhile Mike's on a roll, dominating the league by riding the legs of 30 year old running backs who are destined to breakdown just before the playoffs begin. But that's not for another 8 or 9 weeks. Mike wins big this week, 20pts AT LEAST.

Devonta Freeman vs Naughty Nurse: Another surprising 2-1 team is E. The actual Devonta Freeman showed up just in the nick of time last week, giving E the slight advantage and the win at the 11th hour. This week he has Anne, whose team is falling apart faster than Trump did during last week's debate. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say E gets the win because even with 2 managers, I'm worried "Manneson" won't even update her roster in time for kickoff. Married people are the worst. Victor-E by 13.

Welp, I'm calling for a surprising huge week for the Legacy teams. Probably not a good sign for anyone as I've been having a horrid football season thus far. Ducks are 1-2, Dolphins are barely considered a professional team, my fantasy team is winless and I'm down 6picks already to my moms. 2016 may actually be the worst year ever made.

Excited to announce that I'LL BE IN OREGON NEXT WEEKEND!!!!! Bend Oregon to be exact. Grandma's 80th surprise birthday. At what age does it start becoming dangerous to throw a surprise birthday party? 81 I hope.

Who actually goes to rehab for Marijuana?

30 days away from competition. No more Funky Pumpkins soon :(

If you haven't seen it already rent that live action Jungle book movie! I figured it was a low effort move by Disney for some money (because you know, the company is struggling) and was treating to a visually stunning picture with great characters, on point voice acting and a well thought through story. Hard to find that caliber of movie these days.

It's pronounced 'Fronkensteen'!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 3

Having myself a pretty nice little Saturday. Enjoyed some College Game Day this morning, followed by a sweaty AMRAP, now at a place called "Paleo Kitchen" for lunch (home of the original "Paleo Balls). Might go to Bed, Bath & Beyond later but I don't know....I don't know if we'll have enough time.

What a time to be alive. I think history is going to be kind to Colin Kaepernick. I don't agree with his actions and would never disrespect our flag or our anthem. However, what he's doing, how long he's be doing it for and how it is showing up in other leagues and levels of sports is impressive. Who knew this Rafi lookin', bicep kissing, backup Quarterback would have this level of impact on our culture? Will we actually look back at his actions as symbolic of our time in history? It'll be interesting to see what happens in Carolina during their home game on Sunday after a week of their downtown being a national emergency.

Interesting footnote, the NBA has all of their players contractually obligated to stand at attention for the national anthem at every game. The NFL didn't.

The Seattle Seahawks won't be kind to the Niners this Sunday.

Another year of Fantasy Football not being kind to me either. Hard to jump to conclusions so early in the season but I've only missed the playoffs twice in my 9 seasons and each time I failed I also started 0-2. On the other end of the spectrum, TDs has two huge knockers wins in his hands already and is showing no signs of sagging slowing down.

Interesting note after 2 games
Avg Legacy Division Score: 92.09
Avg Crossfit Division Score: 109.21

First week of cross-division play is next week.

But enough about next week lets talk about THIS WEEKS MATCHUPS!!! (3-3 last week, still finding my groove)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! The Birthday Boy vs His loving wife: I always get excited when couples square off because it gives them something to talk about other than where each other wants to eat. Steve's basically the New England Patriots, off to an improbable undefeated start despite his best offensive player being suspended. Carla doesn't have much luck against her husband in fantasy football (or most anyone else) but this could be her Superbowl in week 3 should she pull of the upset. I don't expect a lot of points in that slugfest between Minn and Carolina, leaving Kelvin and Diggs short of their projections. I'm gonna take Steve to win, it being his birthday week and all, but this one will be low and it'll be close. Steve by 4pts.

Don't be a jerk, Eric!

Hiros in a Half-shell vs Devonta Freeman: Sad week in the Hiro household this week. Her beloved Kitten, Charlie Hustle, has come down with some sort of skin eating disease on his cute wittle face. We're not sure exactly what it is, vet gave him a shot and some pills while we await the test results. Her world is as devastated as her running back depth chart, after injury hits to Doug Martin and The Daily Show Jonathan Stewart. You'd have to be a real jerk to kick her while she's down this week. You'd have to be a real jerk to beat her in fantasy football while she's down this week. You'd really just have to be a jerk not to take a dive this week to give her a little something to be happy about wouldn't you, Eric? Hiro by 10pts.

The Naughty Nurse vs The Naughty Officer: This matchup is basically a slutty halloween costume playoff. I really enjoyed that close dogfight (sexist to say Catfight?) Anne won against Nevin last week. Poor Kim though, her team finished with the least amount of points and she didn't exactly get the spark from Gronkowski that she was hoping for this week. Maybe Mike can give you some waiver wire advice this week to turn things around? Or maybe you can grab his laptop for a quick Brown for Gronk trade? Either way, I"m betting that Nurses beat Cops in Fantasy Football hotness this week... hotness as in successful offensive production only is what i mean....of course... stop glaring at me Katie :) Anne by 15pts

Mexican vs Nevin: HA! Learned my lesson last week. Never say Nevin. Casey by DOZENS!

Evil Shenanigans vs DRW: No Rodgers? No Problem. Andrew Luck has been putting up huge numbers for my mom who currently sits in 4th place. This will be her last week of enjoy the Deangelo Williams jackpot of fantasy points though. But will that be enough to overcome by squad of misfits who have wildly underperformed to leave me at 0-2? Probably. But what can I say, I'm an optimist! Shenanigans steps over his own mother to grab his first win of the season, by 7pts.

Speedo's vs Speeding Tickets (and Beer):

That had to hurt.

Remember Shaun Alexander?
Age 28 - 1800+ yards
Age 30 - 716yards

Remember LaDainian Tomlinson?
Age 28 - 1400+ yards
Age 30 - 730 yards

This is why you don't want to be the guy who finds out when AP's career is done. Shane is now that guy. His team will get a lot more interesting when Josh Gordon comes off his 9th suspension (one more and the next one's free!) but by then DeMarco will probably have pulled up lame as well. I do like the Jordan Howard pickup, but honestly who wants to put their faith in anyone playing in Chicago this season? Mike meanwhile has a stud team with a bright future (Keenan Who?). Maybe a Blount for Gordon trade is worthwhile? Could be, but nobody ever wants to trade in this league anyways. I'm thinking Mike handily wins this one while Shane continues scouring the waiver wire for answers. The TDs are big and plentiful for Mike, wins by 20pts.

That Nebraska game certainly hurt my heart last weekend. Ugh. Welcome to the Helfrich era Ducks.

Katie's boss is a HUUUUUGE Oregon Duck. I love it. His name is Doug.

My first Crossfit competition in YEARS is about a month away and I'm far from the shape I'd like to be in. Damnit You Delicious BBQ! I'll be crashing hard for this test over the coming weeks. I'll be trying something called "Jogging"? It's radical.

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 2

The lesson from last week can be summarized in one word, Hope. I learned that there can be no true despair without Hope. Hope is a killer. Hope is a bad thing. Hope is what will make a grown man cry.

Too much hope.

Take Terrance Williams for example. Some might look at his failure to get out of bounds with less than 10secs on the clock as a slight lapse in situational awareness. However, as my favorite Cowboys apologist Steve Pruitt pointed out...

"He was only 45 yards away, so it kinda made sense"

Hope clouds your judgement.

Hope is what happens when, early Sunday afternoon, Yahoo alerts you to say you're projected to put up 135pts with a chance of beating Steve somewhere around 88%.

Hope screws with your head.
Hope makes you angry.
Hope makes you punch a kitten.

Fantasy Football is a drug dealer and "Hope" is his top seller.

Some of you had a better week than I. Some of you had Luck in place of Hope. While losses are never easy to swallow, it is only week 1. Week 1 doesn't matter that much does it? DOES IT???

Forget the past! On to week TWO matchups!!!!! (3-3 last week, 1st week doesn't count)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! More Hot Cop on Cop Action: The battles between Mike and Kim were some of my favorite matchups last season and they seem willing to pick up right where they left off. I like to imagine the Bew-drow household during football season. Kim with a pink and glitter trapper keeper full of research and insights that seems to always go missing about 2 hours before the draft. Mike, with glitter on his fingertips, falsely denies knowledge of said binder with the conviction of a teenager getting pulled over for the first time after a couple of a beers.... at the very least they have separate laptops with unsharable passwords for each. Both had solid week ones, but Kim found herself on the wrong end of a dirty Mexican and his favorite Johnson. This week should see high point totals for each, especially since the last time Eli and Drew played against each other I think 1000 passing yards and 7 touchdowns total happened, a feat Ryan Tannehill can't do in a full season let along a single game. I'm going to give a tip of the hat to the Mrs and say Kim gets the upset behind big games from Ware, Eli and Elliot. Lady officer by 10pts.

#Hashtags vs Hiro: Big sis is off to her hottest start since 2010 with a winning streak of 1! And Katie, well I guess not everyone who joins this league can have beginner's luck. Carla with the interesting strategy this week of benching top draft picks Wilson and Rawls. I guess that Rams defense she saw last Monday night really put the fear of god in her. Or maybe she's a super genius? Katie's hoping to bounce back after a wildly disappointing week 1 performance from top picks Dez and Beckham. Gotta believe the universe corrects itself this week with Carla losing, Dez catching TDs, and the giants bending the offense to beckham (you see what I did there?!). Hiro by fifty yen.

BRFs once again pretty easy to beat vs. Hellloooooooo Nurse!:
Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”

“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”

Nurse humor isn't funny. Stacey by 10pts.

Me vs E: Nothing helps correct a shakey start to the season faster than a matchup with my favorite Jets fan! Just what the doctor ordered. However, not sure who I have more faith in right now between Gurley and Freeman. At least the falcons have a QB and WR that opponents find threatening. The Niners just proved that all you have to do to defeat the Rams is send all 11 after Gurley each snap and you'll do just fine. Gonna be a looooong season if they can't find a way to get #30 going. For them and for me. But here's to hope! Evil Shenanigans by TWO GURLEY TOUCHDOWNS

#MakeDallassGreatAgain vs WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!: I CAN'T SAY HOW MUCH I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE COLTS THIS YEAR. THAT OFFENSIVE LINE ALMOST KILLED ANDREW LUCK LAST SEASON AND I DONT THINK MUCH HAS IMPROVED. GOOD THING FOR MY MOM LUCK PLAYED AGAINS THE LOLIONS LAST WEEK. WHO ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO BE WORSE THAN YOU'D EXPECT. DENVER IS NOT DETROIT. STEVE WINS BY 19PTS.

The Mexican vs The Monster: Do I smell a tamales side bet?! Both squads are coming off very dominating week 1 wins. Casey against the defending champ who is a decent opponent and Shane against BRFs.. a....well lets just say a much less decent opponent. I can't imagine AP having another bad game like he did last week. That would just send the purple nation and the green hulk into a depression frenzy. However, I expect an offensive explosion between Tampa Bay and Arizona, which will be great if you have players from those teams. Which Baker has bunches of. I'm gonna bet on the Mexican to win this one by Dos Equis.

Real excited for November. Hiro is taking me to my first ever NFL game when our beloved Kansas City Chiefs, led by the Heroic Alex Smith, host the crab leg sexual assaulting Jameis Winston and his merry band of Buccaneers.

Ducks Ducks Ducks. Taking on Nebraska this week. More Nebraska fans in KC than Oregon fans but I'll do my best to make sure Oregon fans are drunker and louder than them.

Da na na na na na naaaa BATMAN!!!

Here was a fun exchange between Steve and I on Monday night I have to share. We crack ourselves up.

Volleyball night is tonight. We remain winless. 0-40ish. I feel like Todd Gurley does.

Bounce. Stop. Wiggle Wiggle.

The Commish
S.