The Commish Report: Playoff Edition

The last Commish Report of the year. *fireworks*

Like the majority of MMA PPVs, I feel like we've invested too much to watch something be over so quickly. This commish report is for the ones who still have hope, the ones with reason remaining to cheer. I for one will spend my summer drinking to forget this horrific season. God Damn Doug Bladwin.

No matchup predictions this week. Instead, I present to you ladies and gentlemen and Mexican of the league my annual list of post-season heroes ranked in order of who I want to see win it all this year, from least to most.

Intolerable
Seadderall (Joe): Can't have this. Champion in '11. Champion in '13. Three makes a dynasty. There's a lot of New England Patriots about Joe and his fantasy football style. Seemingly pulls players out of no where and finds a way to win (check), mysteriously quite about anything he's thinking or doing (check), shadow side partner who helps him make decisions (check). He's 11 deflated footballs away from being the same team.

Also Intolerable
Deeznutz (Shaner): Guys, we gotta stop him. You know how much a Ruxinesque reign would ruin my summer? And Shane knows nothing about this, for him to walk in and win a championship his first season would be an insult to us all. He must be stopped.

I just learned spanish for Intolerable is intolerable
Shock N Awe (Casey): In the last Superbowl there was a conspiracy that the NFL influenced the Pete Carroll's decision to throw the ball instead of running it because they didn't want Marshawn Lynch to become the face of the NFL. His character, behavior, persona what have you, wasn't who Roger Goodell and the rest of the Sith Lords wanted to be the hero. And I get that.

Only a little painful
City Team (Steve): After winning the inaugural season in '07, Steve has been trying to return to the promise land. He's come close, much closer than his beloved Cowboys have come to doing anything relevant in that same span of time. But just like Tony Romo, it's way more fun to watch his team lose than it is to watch them win. It's spectacular.

Our league would poop glitter
Victorious Secret (Kim): Last season we had one lone female, in a playoff full of dudes, just go nuts and crush everyone. I believe Kimmie could do the same and nobody has worked as hard or done as many mock drafts as she has. She deserves it. If I had a trophy (someday I will I promise!) it would be a bitch to clean the glitter off it for the 2016 season which is why she's only 2nd on this list.

TDs FTW!
TDs and Beer (Mike): Great team. Great name. Great ass. He might have to beat his wife to do it (phrasing) but I believe we'll see TDs in the championship. Mike's team has been the poster child of consistency, he's been humble in wins and in losses and he voices the most appreciation for this poorly assembled string of words called a commish report. A true gentleman.

BONUS CONTENT!!!!
Olsen/Sacko Bracket Prediction: I hope it goes to Nevin. That is all.

Welp, that's it for this season in Commish Reports. I hope you've had as much fun reading these as I have had writing them but I doubt it. Not sure why anyone reads these honestly. Despite the tragedy that befell my team, I had a lot of fun watching football and rooting for various outcomes. You guys have been an absolute blast to share the season with and I hope to see you back next year.

I'm home SATURDAY!!!! Who wants to meet me at Buffalo Wild Wings for beer and stomach ache on Sunday??

Last night the concubine and I decided to take in a little KC Culture and attended a production of "The Nutcracker" at the world renown Kauffman theater. The World Series Trophy was used as a prop during the 1st Act but Oddly enough, Antonio Brown was no where to be found.

I'm sure that you'll forgive me if I don't enthuse I guess I've got the Christmas blues.

%$#@ this season.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 13

Yikes!

Sunday mornings. a new commish report on the lapper, bourbon in the coffee, kittens in their "time out" cage, girlfriend in the time out kitchen making us pancakes. Mmmmmmm pancakes.

The last 3 professional football games have been insane, haven't they? The patriots fall like a Brock (GD I'm clever) and then both the Browns and the LOLions lose in only ways the Browns and the LOLions could lose. Some people think the NFL is in a sad state, while there's some truth to that and the waiver wire is currently full of the more dynamic players to watch, the 2015 football season has at least been entertaining if not unpredictable.

The only thing that truly saddens me about this NFL season, other than my PA stat line, is that we may have seen the last of Peyton Manning. With that comes the end of the great Manning v Brady quarterback rivalry which, in my opinion, was the only relevant QB rivalry left in the NFL and the only one we've seen in the last decade worth discussing. Kaep v Wilson was great for a season or two and Eli v Tony is always interesting but did we ever care to the level we cared about Manning Brady? And what could possibly replace them as the next great rivalry? Brock v Rivers? Newton v Winston? Cutler v Giving a shit?

 

Also way may have seen the last of those glorious Manning Commercials. "Clark" he whispers.

Last commish report of the regular season. Lets talk MATCHUPS!!!! (4-2 last week, not sure what my overall average is but I'll assume its pretty good)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Shockingly Awful vs "Fatherhood" by Bill Cosby: Win and you're in this week when the Mexican takes on the ManBear. Once upon a time I believed Casey drafted a monster but turns out that was just pure nonsense. Meanwhile, Shane has been coming in hot and looking to make a playoff run in his rookie champagne campaign. Personally, I hope this matchup ends in the tie keeping both these wankers (yes, wankers) out of the playoffs. Next commish report will be my annual list of who I want to see win the championship and rest assured the winner of this matchup will be toward the bottom of that honor. In the meantime, I'll pick Shane to win this week since Casey doesn't even have a full roster with 50min til kickoff. Hulk Smashes his way into the playoffs by 15pointers.

Me vs E and a bottle makes 3: Woe is E. At one point he was actually in 1st place in the league! Now, he's on the outside looking in to the playoffs, needing a win this week just to have a chance. Ha! At one point I had Devonta Freeman on my roster, back in week one when I was hopeful and happy. Now, jaded and bitter, I've taken his leftovers, DeAngelO I shouldn't have dropped him, and will laugh mercilessly when I keep him from reaching the promise land for the 8th year in a row. Maybe Damien's almost old enough to help you draft? But until such a day you'll once again be in that consolation bracket where you belong in 2015. Shenanigans wins by 14pts.

DOGS v Awesome: My big sister made me cry last week so now my mom's here to punish her for being a jerk. That's the way I look at this matchup at least. Carla's grounded this week when Mom wins by 20+ points. %$&@ Doug Baldwin.

TDs vs BRFs: Mike's on the brink of locking down the division and getting a first week bye in the playoffs. Staci's on the brink of......yelling at more little kids after her team loses for the 11th time this season. 6 playoff spots could be going to 3 rookies this year, I guess our league was soft to begin with. the TDs are HUUUUUGGGGEEE this week and Mike walks his way deep into the playoffs. TDs by 23pts.

Victorious Secrets vs Naughty Secrets: After decent showings by her LOLions players, Anne has a 34% chance of winning. Which means Kimmie has a 34% of not making the playoffs after being dominate for the majority of the season. How did that happen?! The bigger question, how hard of a time will Mike give Officer Kimmie, should he make the playoffs and she doesn't?! And if two cops are having a 'domestic disturbance' who the hell do you call to report it!? There's a 34% chance we'll have the answers to these questions and more. But I still think Kim wins this by 12pts.

City Team vs Seaderall: Steve is a 10-2 team and a massive underdog in this matchup. You sand-bagging SOB. I guess that's what happens when your opponent's TE catches a 60 yard Hail Mary against the LOLions (remember when that happened?!). Steve's life doesn't change regardless of the outcome of this game, however, with 5 teams at 7-5 fighting for 4 playoff spots, I'm sure the rest of the league will be rooting for the come from behind win. Just like the fighting Irish tho, they always manage to piss everyone off so I'll say Seaderall keeps the points coming and wins this matchup by 11pts but Steve doesn't even care does he?

Do yourselves a favor, pour yourself a tall glass of bourbon and watch the Bill Murray Christmas Special on Netflix. It's amazing. Feel free to skip the Miley Cyrus song.

We may have an Oklahoma vs Alabama NCAA title game which, if my Bible knowledge is as good as I believe it to be, represents the 4th sign of the apocalypse and the love child between Bob Stoops and Nick Saban is obviously the Anti-christ.

No Frills just pure unlicensed by the NFL commentary.

Home in TWO WEEKS! I'm thinking a league gathering at Buffalo Wild Wings while I'm in town. Sound good?

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 12

Happy Thanksgiving to my beloved League. I'm thankful for all of you.

Also, Congratulations to Mr and Mrs "Deeznutz", welcoming Baby Robert(s) to the world! Maybe years from now little Damien, little Stephen and Little Grey will have their own fantasy football league. OR maybe they'll become Arch rivals who battle for world domination like Blofeld and Bond in the movie Spectre. Spoiler alert.

Few thoughts on football. I love Chip Kelly but it's hard to believe he'll be back next season. Is Johnny Football the first QB to go from starter to 3rd string over a Bye week? Bronco's QB1 job is Brock's to lose at this point, which is really sad. Brady vs Manning was the best QB rivalry over the last 20 years and I don't know what could possibly replace it. Speaking of Brady, is "REX RYAN" the new "OMAHA!"? Finally, Jerry Jones did a live twitter Q&A this week and it went exactly like you think it would.

I'm thankful for MATCHUPS!!! (5-1 last week, god dammit Staci)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Seadderall (And Dennis?) vs Devonta Freeman's Backup: The biggest storyline going into this week will be any shakeup among the bulge of teams at 6-5. Currently, Joe sits at the front of that pack with everyone below him hoping he loses. Meanwhile, E's team, without Devonta Freeman, lacks what I'll call "Championship Caliber". Should his team crap the bed this week, he could mathematically slide from 4th place down to 9th, in danger of missing the playoffs. What happened Eric?! You were the chosen one! You were supposed to make the playoffs this year, not miss them! Joe wins by 10pts.

Victorious Secrets vs Del Taco: Same story applies to Kimmie's team. After crapping the bed against shane, seriously?!, should the Mexican pull off the upset her team could fall far. After all those late night mock drafts could our glitter pooping lady officer actually miss the playoffs?!?! Just teasing, Casey's team is awful. Kim wins by 20pts.

Deeznutz made a child vs BRFs Only Seem to Beat Anne HansEn: When your team is 2-9 it's hard to find reasons to care, unless you can be a spoiler to Shane. Nevin, you can lose to everyone you want but imagine being the one who knocks Shane out of the playoffs!!? If it helps, Imagine Shane is Anne, or more appropriately, three and a half "Anne's". With a weird amount of facial hair and an inability to do any cardio. You can do this. You can beat Shane. I believe in you. Shane wins by 15pts.

The Norte Dame fighting Irish vs. DOGS: On this, a day of family and thankfulness, I expect this matchup to be a close bloodbath. My mom's squad always lives and dies on the success of the Packers and the Patriots. Usually not a bad strategery but tough matchups against the Bears and the Bronco's have to keep her team in check this week. Don't get me wrong, Steve's team is secretly terrible. Only surviving when it counts the most (against me, 151pts) and I think he might have enough to put his own mother-in-law out of the playoffs. Steve gets by once again, by 10pts.

The Sibling Rivalry: Seadderall, DOGS, Nutz and The Mexican. I need 3 of these 4 teams to lose either this week or next week and I'm in the post-season. I need some help but I'm still in this thing. Carla, your 1-10 squad won't get in my way! Me by bunches and bunches.

Big TDs vs Mike: Here's a video of me, this time last year, looking at Anne's Roster. She then went on to blaze her way into and through the playoffs in dominate fashion.

This year not so much. When a 3-8 teams squares off against an 8-3 team I try not to over think the math. Mike wins by 15pts.

Happy Turducken Day!

Speaking of Turducken....Go Ducks!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 11

Nothing beats Sunday mornings. Pot of coffee, NFL Insiders, a Commish report to write and no helicopter looking for murder. Ice Cube would agree, today is going to be a good day.

This week in "How the hell"

How the hell are the Minnesota Vikings leading their division? How the hell are the Carolina Panthers undefeated without their star wide receiver? How the hell does a man named Brock Oiswiler (sp?) replacing a man named Peyton Manning? How the hell did the LOLions win at Lambeau Field? How the hell is Norte Dame ranked in the top 5? How the hell are Ciara and Olivia Munn ruining the NFC (I think we all know how *wink*)? How the hell is Mark Sanchez still around? How the hell is Matt Hasselbeck still playing? How the hell are the Chicago Bears favored today? How the hell do you fold a fitted sheet? How the hell was Cam not flagged for Taunting? How the hell did he get that girl? How the hell did the Giants lose last week #odellcaughtit? How the hell was Kaepernick the problem in SF? How the hell am I 4-6?

The final 3 regular season matchups are here and I'm already sad that it's ending so soon. Feels like only yesterday I was worried about Staci "God Damn" Nevin getting the #1 pick in the draft. Who knew that pick had broken ribs and probably a few ruptured internal organs? Still lots of Drama ahead with an all out brawl happening for those last few playoff spots. Only Staci, Carla and defending champion Anne have been mathematically eliminated. None of the other nine squads have "clinched" anything and believe me I have already charted the insane mathematical algorithm which leads to me playing in the post season. I promise you this, should the remarkable happen and I make the playoffs I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who will stand in between me and my 2nd championship.

Tinder says it's a MATCH!!!!UP! (4-2 Last week, Anne. Kimmie. I'm not mad, I'm just really disappointed)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Devonta Waiver Wire vs The Utah Flukes: We all got a glimpse of what E's team would have been like without my colossal stupidity. 67pts scored. I'm starting to think your team is the Norte Dame of our league, wildly overrated. Meanwhile I can't understand how Steve is winning with a team of Rivers, Forsett and Ivory. Then I look at his "Points Against" stat and see it's the LOWEST IN THE LEAGUE at 867pts. So then I realize HE is the Norte Dame of our league, a super padded win record because he hasn't really played anyone. Which squad is more Irish than the other team? I think it's Steve, his luck has certainly been Irish and will probably keep going until he gets crushed by Alabama in the playoffs. Steve by 7pts.

Naughty Nurse vs BRF's Consistently Get Beat: Really excited to watch this matchup. Not because its another week of hot nurse on nurse action that normally costs a whole lot of money and dignity to watch live. No. Because Staci's on the verge of history! She's currently tied for the longest losing streak in league history (8). Now, this isn't just me picking on Staci. Well, it is a little bit but you see, a long time ago I had a regrettable relationship and made the even more regrettable decision to put her in the league. She drafted a squad, gave her team a very unfortunate name and didn't play at all. Now, she is permanently inscribed in league history books, reminding me every time I look of that terrible life choice. But then came Staci, who's 2015 campaign is on pace to wipe all her horrible records off the books, erasing her existence from the league. Starting this week! When Anne picks up this win and Staci sets A NEW RECORD for consecutive losses. Anne wins by 9pts.

Seadderall vs Everything is Awesome: And of course, any record Staci doesn't set I'm pretty sure my sister is on pace to hit as well. Oh and I learned what's going on with waiver wires. If you're trying to add a player from waiver wire but you select a player who has already played or currently playing for that week you'll have to wait until tuesday to pick that player up. However, if you are dropping a player from your roster who hasn't played or who's team is on a BYE week it seems the system will let you do it immediately, even if someone has placed a waiver claim. So if that player is important, replace someone who hasn't played to get them right away. The competition committee (me and mom, basically) will look into this over the offseason to determine fairness but now you know. Oh, Joe wins big here.

Victoria's Secret vs Classic Hip-hop References: Interesting dynamic in this matchup. Just so everyone knows Shane has called his shot and says he's making the playoffs. Can't argue with him either. Kimmie's team isn't fully functional this week and now she's risking losing her 1st round playoff bye. FORTE ISN'T PLAYING!!!! Go get Sproles or Spiller or SOMEBODY!!! Next week he's on BRF week and then finishes against the Mexican. C'mon guys, we can't have Shane come close to winning the title his first season of Fantasy ever can we!? That'd be worse than Ruxin winning. I hate to say this but Shane Wins this week, and probably next week, leading to a great final week matchup against the Mexican for a playoff spot. by 17pts.

TDs in your face vs Probably related to Eddie Guerrero: Casey's team is slipping. Even the magic of facing me last week didn't pay off. Now he's falling down the rankings and in serious danger of missing the playoffs (See: Sevcik, Shane). Mike in the meantime can recapture the #1 spot of his division and a potential 1st round playoff bye if his significant other loses and he gets past the Mexican. I think this will be a very close matchup and what Mike really needs is SOMETHING from Kelce (remember when I tried trading Olsen for him?? Me neither) and while I don't think he gets that, I think he gets the close win here. The TDs are small this week but perky ;) wins by 5pts.

Ambulance Chaser vs DOG CHASER: Remember that old Bill Cosby movie where he was an ambulance driver? It was called "Mother, Jugs & Speed" and co-star timeless sex symbol Rachel Welch (note: That picture was taken in 1967, photoshop was invented in 1988). The only thing more insane than that movie are my odds of making the playoffs, yet I remain optimistic. We all know I would sell my soul, pay a ransom or at least ruthlessly defeat my own mother to get there. One of those things will happen this week. Sorry mom, but I'ma win this one by at least 15pts.

We all know the significance of today's Miami vs Dallas matchup.

I thought Spectre was good but no where near Casino Royale or Skyfall. Skyfall may be the best Bond movie ever made.

335lb Backsquat the other day. I'm still fat but at least I've gotten most my strength back!

HOME IN LESS THAN 4 WEEKS!

Doses and Mimosas, Champaign and Cocaine help to get me through.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 10

Sorry, another short one. Barkley has a new business pitch happening on Wednesday which I've been involved in. Lotta people working long hours for awhile now. Keep your fingers crossed for us that we win this and my Pitch record starts of a cool 1-for-1.

Right to the Matchups!!! (3-3 Last Week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!: Old South Park References vs Big TDs On my TV Screen: Steve puts his 6 game win streak on the line against the king of the crossfit division mountain. Steve has made some interesting moves this week, believing in Ryan Tannehill and picking up the defense playing against his beloved Cowboys. I'm going to laugh and laugh when both those moves disappoint him and Mike moves on to 8-2. I'll take TDs for the big win, by 12pts.

Victoria's Revenge vs Devonta BYE Week: E should really send me a nice thank you note for dropping Devonta Freeman. Maybe something from edible arrangements with a balloon and a small stuff animal. Just to say thanks, thank you for dropping the #1 fantasy running back for the huge disappointment who is Chris Sims. This week we'll get to see what his team is like without my help. And I don't think it'll be pretty. Kimmie wins by 15pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs BRFs........ah why bother. DOGS wins by bunches.

EverythingIsAwesome vs Shaner: Carla you really need to rename that team. EverythingIsUnderwhelming? 2016MockDraftTime? Ohyouwannaseepicturesofmychild?
Shane wins big here.

Naughty Nurse vs Seadderall: Anne's team has been showing a whole lota spunk since Drew Brees started playing like Drew Brees again and she dropped Mason, who was clearly holding her back. I'll take Naughty Nurse to pull off an upset this week over a banged up Seaderrall squad. Anne by 12pts.

Me vs the Mexican: Casey accused me of being an ambulance chaser and boy is he right. He'll find out this week how smart that is when my squad of #2's takes a #2 on his week 10 chances. Backup RBs for the win, by 13pts.

AND DOWN GOES ROUSEY!!!!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 9

Short report this week due to my professional career getting in the way. One thought tho...

Stone Cold Steve Austin wants to be the QB for the Dallas Cowboys and I think that would be great!

"I tell you what, I got some time on my hands. I could be there Sunday, playing the Philadelphia Eagles. I think I can line 'em up, throw for about 300, 400 yards. Get (Jason) Witten open, get Dez (Bryant) working. A lot of underneath routes. Give (Darren) McFadden the ball a few times. Maybe do a little end-around, fake the reverse pitchout, let me run downfield and Darren can throw me the ball. About 60 yards out, catch it in full stride and boom, spike it over the damn goalpost. ... Y'all saw me catch all those beers all those years -- damn-near never dropped any of them."

Let's be honest, That sounds like the best offensive game plan Dallas has had all season.

ON TO THE MATCHUPS!!!! (5-1 Last Week, thanks for nothing SHANE)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Scott vs Shane: Shane told me last week that this matchup is his Superbowl so I had to at least humor him in making in the matchup of the week. Unfortunately, both squads are far away from Playoff relevancy right now but hey when it comes to rivalries you gotta throw out the record books. To spice things up we have a gentleman's wager on the side, the stakes of which are high as you would imagine. We all know how I like to wager (you still owe me a song Baker!) so the real winners will be anyone who is fortunate enough to associate with either of the two of us. Personal embarrassment will be on the line. I'm confident though, my team is significantly better than my record and I'm pretty sure Shane's team is significantly worse than his 3 wins. Scott wins and my victory will be immortalized, by 18pts.

Kimmie vs Stevie: 6-2 might be good enough to get you first place in the Crossfitters Division but at the Adults Table it's only good enough for 3rd. That said, Kimmie is DOMINATING our league with 50 more overall points than anyone else (Steve's ranked 2nd in that stat). Guess those late night Mock Drafts are paying off. I think this one will come down to the wire with Kimmie facing some unfavorable matchups (including a sneaky good Redskins D) so I'll go out on a limb here and call an upset. Steve gets the win by 8pts.

Devonta Freeman vs BRF Week: The record for consecutive losses is 8, currently Nevin has 6 straight losses. Over the next 3 weeks she faces 2nd place, 5th place and Anne. Records were meant to be broken. Here's hoping for a Week 11 nurse on nurse matchup for the record book! Oh yea, E wins by a hundred points.

BroncosArentAwesome vs TDsAreVeryAwesome: I was listening to the Dan Patrick show the other day and he described the Broncos as "A 3-13 offense with a 16-0 defense" and I would say that's probably pretty accurate. And we all know how Manning does down the stretch. Mike by bunches.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Wild Nurse Running: Last week Drew Brees put up 44pts and Aaron Rodgers put up 6pts. I don't think that will happen this week. That said as I scan this matchup I don't see anyone in position to do extremely well. This will be a low scoring affair and much closer than it should be. The strength of my Mom's team are her WRs and I gotta believe that's the thing that gives her the edge. DOGS over Nurses but only by 5pts.

Seadderall vs La Bamba: Despite a great Eifert (god damn i'm creative) I still think Casey loses this matchup. And here's why. Jeremy God Damn Hill. I read every blog post about him and had I not been a top 5 pick, I probably would have picked up Hill in the first round. He lead the league in Rushing the last 8 weeks of the previous season, last 2 running backs to do that went on to lead the league in rushing the following season. He showed up in better shape than before and the Bengals announced their game plan was to run the ball this season. Jeremy God Damn Hill. Seadderall wins by 15pts.

The Commish

S.

The Commish Report: Week 8

I know we typically prefer to have a lot of fun on here.....but I'm about to put this on the serious tip.

You see, something was said this week in the NFL that really bothered me.

“He’s, of course, one of the real leaders on this team and he earns it and he earns it with respect from all of his teammates and that’s the kind of thing that inspires a football team,” - Cowboys owner Jerry Jones referring to defensive player Greg Hardy.

Really?

In case you don't know, Carolina selected Greg Hardy in the 2010 draft after Hardy fell down/off other teams’ draft boards because of questions about his character. At the University of Mississippi, he was suspended for missing team meetings and violating team rules. He was first round talent taken in the sixth round.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

Prior to his legal issues in 2014 (we're getting to that) Hardy's wrap sheet was he had three speeding tickets, two of which were waived and another he received a prayer as his judgment. He also received charges of no operator’s license, a window tint violation, and a driving without registration that were all also dismissed.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

While in Carolina, Hardy developed an alter ego called "The Kraken" which a former teammate observed it caused him to "lose touch" with who he really is and made him "un-manageable". His Twitter account is under this alter ego and he tweeted this earlier this year.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

Carolina dropped him from their active roster after a domestic disturbance against Hardy was filed. The report details how an intoxicated Hardy picked her up and threw her into a tub, then dragged her across the floor by her hair. While screaming threats, he lifted her over his head and threw her on a couch “covered in assault rifles and/or shotguns.” Hardy threatened to shoot her if “I went to the media or reported his assaults to anyone,” according to her complaint. When police arrived, she met them while crawling to the elevator. She was taken to an emergency room and described as injured “head to toe”.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

According to the woman's initial testimony "I was so scared I wanted to die. When he loosened his grip slightly I said just do it. Kill me." She said during the assault she accepted the fact that she was probably going to die that night.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

What caused this brutal outburst? According to the testimonies Hardy flipped out after someone called "party foul" on him for spilling his drink and a song by the rapper, and former fling of his girlfriends, Nelly came on the air.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

The entire case against Hardy was dropped after the woman made herself "completely unavailable," to District Attorney Andrew Murray who said in court that police went to "extraordinary measures" to gain her cooperation, including placing surveillance at her last known address and making repeated calls to family members. While 'eluding' police she updated her social media accounts with pictures of her living a very lavish lifestyle. Note, She was a waitress when she met Hardy, she had no prior money.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

As a result, Hardy was suspended for 10 games which was reduced to 4. He became a free agent and 30 NFL teams wanted "nothing to do with him" according to ESPN. 2 did, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Dallas Cowboys. Jerry Jones signed him on a one year deal worth over 11 Million dollars.

Jerry Jones says he's a leader.

I don't even care what happened on the sideline last week, all players get fired up. But make no mistake about it, Greg Hardy is no leader in any way shape or form and shouldn't even be allowed anywhere near the NFL. For Jerry Jones to call him a "Leader" is an insult to anyone, many of you in this league, whom I would call a leader myself. I hate Jerry Jones and I despise Greg Hardy.

Enough of that nonsense though ON TO THE MATCHUPS!!!! (4-2 Last Week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Even more cop on cop action: The two best teams with the two longest winning streaks face off this week and did I mention they're married cops?! I challenge any league in all the leagues of Yahoo to compete with that level of epic-ness. Mike's ONLY loss this season came at the hands of his wife in week one. Since then he's been invincible. Will he win this week, splitting the matchup difference with Kim 50/50 like some weird fantasy football prenup they signed at the start of the season? Or will Kim dominate the household with glitter and smell good like we all pretty much assume she does anyways. This will be close but I think Kim owns Mike, cause woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man. Kimmie wins! by 9pts.

EverythingIsUnderAchieving vs Double Dukes: Steve's going to win this so I'll just use this time to share an adorable picture of my nephew.

Shock N Mexican vs BRF Week: Man I used to love Casey's team but what happened?! Hill has underachieved, and I believed he would be a top 5 back at worse. Jamal Charles in Charge is out cold for the remainder of the season and Joseph Randal turned out to be......well Joseph Randal, the guy who couldn't keep his starting job away from 40 year old McFadden. Now he's in a tight? matchup against the BRF. His team couldn't have fallen so far from grace that Staci beats him right? right? Que? Mexican wins....by 4pts.

Shaner vs Naughty Nurse: I can't tell which is the most desperate play...Bishop Shankey or Chris Polk? Not exactly the running back battle we'd like to see in fantasy but hey it happens. Anne's team experienced some heartbreak last week, breaking a hundred points but seeing the same result. That's what happens when you reach in the draft for Drew Brees in 2015. Shane finally starting losing matchups he should lose last week, but it was pretty close. I expect the big guy to bounce back against Anne, on the shoulders of Brown, Sanders and the resurrected career of CJ2K. Shane by 14pts.

CAPS LOCK RUNNING WILD vs OnlyJetsFanLeft: Interesting enough both teams are 5-2 but one is 2nd place and the other is 5th. Pretty crowded up there at the top of the league apparently. I wouldn't know. Both teams have already racked up plenty of points by there Patriots players against my beloved Dolphins on a heartbreaking TNF. Devonta Freeman will tack 30pts on to the 30pts Brady has already got him so I gotta think E takes this one, unless the Packers go off, which I doubt against a Denver Defense which is playing out of its mind right now. E takes another big step toward his playoff debut which is 7 years in the making. E by 16pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs Seadderall: Glancing at the league standings it breaks my heart to know my squad has scored more points than EIGHT other teams but remains a 2 win wonder going in to week 8. At some point this season the law of averages has to turn in my favor....right? You guys can't keep having your best week ever against me....right? It doesn't help that Tannehill had his worst game of the season for me already. But I got to believe both Hopkins and OBJ have bounce back games in them this week. Joe's team is looking fierce, looking like a NFC West pro-bowl team. I gotta admit I did not think Gurley would be anywhere near as good as he has been.

In Todd Gurley's first three starts this season, he has 433 rushing yards.
This season, after FIVE games, Matt Forte led the NFL in rushing yards. He had 438 yards.

Scary good. But I got to believe in my team to finally catch someone on an off week and get a win. My playoffs begin today. Shenanigans by 0.5pts.

Happy Halloween everyone! For those who were at last nights party be sure to send me the link to all the NSFW pics ;)

Miss you guys, home in 50ish days!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 7

I love twitter.

It has to be my favorite of the social media platforms. I find myself checking it throughout the day for laughs, interesting articles, fantasy football information, advertising stuff, that feed is like a custom daily magazine of what I think is awesome.

However, I'm actually a bit of a wallflower on the platform, sending out maybe a tweet every other day. Typically anything I send will only get me 30 impressions and the occasional engagement, usually from Carla and/or romosexual. A very small ripple along the information super highway.

But last week was a different story.

I had a tweet go over a thousand impressions and hundreds of engagements. HUGE for me!

That tweet...


Rest assured, farts are still funny.

You know what's not funny? The whooping I put on E last week. It was serious. Who knew I had it in me? I didn't. My team doesn't always win, but when we do, we score more points than any team has at any point so far this season. That's what it takes too! E still had one of his best weeks against me. But it didn't matter. Who needs Devonta Freeman anyways? (I still do).

Mike and Kim continue to sit on top of the league right now. I guess there isn't enough crime in Southern Oregon. My mom is dominating the legacy division which isn't a surprise. 3 government employees. In league vs league play the legacy group is 7-5 against the crossfitters. I fought the law and the law won (0-2). The season is far from over and hey, if the Miami Dolphins can turn it around in 2015 then so can YOU (Carla, Anne, Staci).

MATCHUPS MATCHUPS MATCHUPS (6-0 Last week....A FLAWLESS VICTORY)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! Shaner vs TDs make me go long: Not every week you see an 8th place team heavily favored over a 1st place team but that's what BYE weeks will do to you. Shaner quit on his team about half way through TNF last week but his team didn't quit on him, pulling an upset out of his mexican standoff. Can he shock the world 2 weeks in a row? I think so. Without the Red Rifle and a few others I just don't think the TDs are very big this week. In fact, I think those TDs are flat. Basically bee stings. Shaner wins another he probably shouldn't have, by 9pts.

Tactical Turtlenecks vs Stormin Mormon Pruitt: I always wanted a brother when I was little cause Carla never wanted to play. Sure she'd throw a pity round of "Cruisn USA" or "NBA Jam" but my largest rival was always Artificial Intelligence until Steve came along. We've logged many of hours competing in ridiculous shit (nerf guns and ceiling fans) but I get my biggest kick beating him at this. At 4-2 his team is clearly overachieving not unlike his beloved Utah Utes. However, I can now add Eddie Lacy and AJ Green to Gronk and Adrian Peterson as players I won't have to face this year because of BYE weeks. Not that this has done me any good in the past (damn cops) but it's reason enough to me to pick me cause i love me some me. by 13pts.

Victorious Secret vs BRF Week: Last week Andrew Luck outscored Cam Newton by 8.22pts. Pretty sure I could just update that figure every week moving forward for BRF matchups. Kimmie by bunches.

IsEverythingAwesome? vs. devonta fre-E-man: If you drafted the Denver Broncos this season you're gonna have a bad time. E by A LOT!

DOGS RUNNING BYE WEEKS vs Seadderallonmyteam: My mom is 1-3 the last 4 years when the Packers on a BYE week. Her one win coming against me in 2013. At time of press Marshawn Lynch was running over the Niners....i guess we'll call it defense. Also, STAR QUARTERBACK BLAKE BORTLES has been a consistent fantasy threat, I never thought I'd write that, and Julio Jones can't watch Devonta Freeman get all the glory for 3 straight weeks can he?! Sorry Ma, but I gotta think Joe gets the win whilst the Packers take it easy. Joe by 18pts.

Choque N Awe vs Naughty Nurse: Finalmente un partido que se siente aún! Lo que sucedió a Casey Baker's squad??? Montando una racha perdedora de dos juegos a la derecha en la mediocridad. De hecho perder a la mediocridad! Anne en el ínterin todavía está tratando de encontrar su camino a través de esta desastrosa temporada. Alguien tiene que ganar esta cosa derecha? Tengo que darle a la Mexicana. Lo que queda de su equipo debe ser capaz de derrotar a la consecución de la defensa del bajo champ escuadrón de no-amenazas. Voy a recoger Casey fuera de Home Depot y pagarle un día de trabajo honrado, por 10 pesos.

BYE weeks are killing people this week.

Hey Mambo! Mambo Italiano.

Has any player "Honey-dicked" fantasy managers more than Carlos Hyde? Dude rushes for 30.2pts in week one and has struggled to break 6pts ever since???

Inconceivable!!!

Hello?! Helloooooooo!? Anybody home? Think McFly. Think!

I just giggled and farted

Go Ducks!

GO ROYALS!!!!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 6

Late Commish report again. I haven't watch more than a moments worth of any football in 2 weeks! It's been awful. I plan on doing nothing today. Absolutely nothing but watch football and it will be everything I ever dreamed it could be.

ICYMI - I Giggled and Farted at Facebook HQ this week.

The Crossfit Division must have been soft to begin with cause rookie officers have that division on lockdown. Meanwhile, E has run amuck, making up for over a decade of defeats to reign supreme for the first time in forever. I'm stuck at the bottom, watching all of you seemingly wait until me to have your best game ever. Even my ONE WIN came on Carla's best week of the season. This is the bullshit of all bullshits. But I still love this. We need a trophy.

Reality Football hasn't been any kinder. The Utah Utes is a top 4 team in the nation. I should just stop there. The Ducks play offense in slow motion now and the defense just looks confused. At least tomorrow we all get a look at the New Look Dolphins who, in the ultimate act of irony, promoted a bully to Head Coach who vows to make life tough for the players so that they play tough on the field. Oh, and if the playoffs started today, three teams from the AFC East would be in. Three Teams not named Miami Dolphins. I hate this season.

MATCH IT UP AND KNOCK IT DOWN!!!! (3-3 last week. I'm so even money and I don't even know it.)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Me and E and a Bottle Makes 3: I know what you're thinking, a 1-4 team vs a 4-1 team is a good matchup??? In this case it is and I'll tell you why. In 2008, when "Low" by Florida was the top song, E joined our little league and has lost a lot of hair and matchups ever since. Now, 7 years later, E finally put together a squad (thanks to me being an idiot) and since at the top of the mountain. Already with more wins than his yearly average, Eric will finally get a chance to destroy the one guy who has never missed a chance to crack a few wises at his expense. This matchup is 7 years in the making and I'd be a fool to think my team of let downs could possibly stop the Devonta Squat right? Shenanigans by 5pts.

Mother versus Daughter: Starting to wonder about Carla's fantasy footballilities. Not since that insane season where she had Adrian Peterson AND Chris Johnson, has she even made the playoffs. Meanwhile, my mom has almost always been a consistent NFL encyclopedia with a straight forward auto-draft strategy of drafting Packers QB, Packers WR, Packers WR, Whoever Peyton Manning is throwing to, any low hanging patriot she can get her hands on and a committee of middling running backs. She is the modern NFL. Carla's only a threat if she has a 2,000+ yard running back on her squad and CJ Anderson just ain't dat dude. DOGS by 20pts.

Mike's on his BRF week. Why don't I get a BRF week?

Seadderall vs. The Utah Utes: I've been having a lot of fun looking at our league history this season and something you can always count on are these two showing up in the playoffs. However, Joe has been a torn in Steve's paw. In the regular season they've actually had the same record against each other, including an actual TIE in 2013. However, In 2011 they battled for the title with Joe coming up on top and then In 2013, Joe bounced Steve out of the first round of the playoffs. Is Joe the Arizona State of Steve's fantasy squad? Seadderall hasn't been the same team since Big Ben went down and starting Rafi from the League isn't the answer. I'll take the Utes to win a close one, and stay ranked. Steve by 10pts.

Victorious Secret vs Queen Anne: Hello ladies ;) sometimes you try to make more of a matchup than it's going to be. Like tonight's Sunday Night Football. We all know the Patriots are going to absolutely destroy the Colts just like they did in the playoffs last year but that won't stop Chris Collinsworth and the human Koala Bear, Bob Costas, from treating it like the game of the century. The reality is this deflategate revenge tour is a fantasy gravy train and I see 2 Patriots on Kim's team and 0 on Anne's. For me, it's that simple. I'll take Victorious to be........well... you know. By 14pts!

#idontwantnomediocre vs Shock N La Bamba: One week your team has an insane amount of depth at RB and then the next week #BAM injuries and BYE weeks bring you to your knees. #fantasylife. Shane has already given up on his team, made clear by the depressing renaming of his team. Usually this move is reserved for week 9 or 10 but hey, some people lack #patience. Without Jamal Charles in Charge of his team anymore I have lowered my expectations for the Mexican's season. I'll take #shane to #win getting his team back to #.500 by #17pts.

"Why is he yelling?" - Hiro watching Sportscenter.

Going to a professional haunted house in KC. For $37 a ticket I BETTER DIE!

The party don't start 'til i walk in!

Do yourself a solid and watch the movie Dope, now available to rent for $5. Probably my favorite movie of the year.

Today is Mike Ditka's birthday! In honor of it, I'll have the Polish Sausage.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 5

We're already a quarter of the way through this soap opera and already I'm beginning to ask myself some big questions.

Is my team bad?

Should I become a Chiefs fan?

Could Chip Kelly return to the Ducks?

I hate Devonta Freeman.

Should I be Bob, from Bob's Burgers, for Halloween?

Are the Giants good again? Giants vs Patriots III?!?!?!

With both the LOLions and the Cowgirls surrendering the season faster than the french surrendered Paris to the Nazi's, I've been needing new NFL storylines to follow. Here's what peaks my interest now.... How long with Philbin be the head coach of the Miami Dolphins, will someone PLEASE beat the Patriots, how long does Peyton Manning survive the season (if you haven't already, read this), what the hell is going on in SF, will Orange is the new Beckham Jr.'s encore season fall flat (I hope not!)? These are the things I waste countless work hours and poops thinking about.

Even still, rest assured I root hard every weekend for the failures from Detroit and Dallas and this season hasn't disappointed at all in that sense.

Anyone noticing the amount of hatred being spewed at the Ducks (and their fans) since they stopped playing at the caliber of awesomeness we had all grown accustom to? What did we, the fans, do to you guys? Was it that rough watching us win everything (but the big games) for the last decade? Who hurt you? Well enjoy it while it lasts cause Ducks will be back.

I'm talking to you Steve.

IT'S A MATCH.....UP (5-1 Last Week, DAMN YOU KIMMIE!!!!!)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Dogs vs Mexicans: Last week my mom easily dispatched of one of my knuckleheaded friends and this week she takes on another. This one married a stripper! But more importantly, these two squads are both a win away from topping their division. Both squads have been finding gold on the waiver wire (Devontaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!) and have turned their teams scrappy. We all know how documented of a fan I am of Casey's squad, but this week looks rough with matchups against Seattle and New England for his key players. Meanwhile, DT against Oakland alone is enough to make a believer and Blount will probably be this week's Garbage Time MVP after NE goes into the half up 27 on the Cowboys. These dogs don't fold, they win! By 10pts

Evil Shenanigans vs 1st Place TDs: Remember that movie "The New Guy" starring one dimensional actor DJ Qualls? No? Missed that one? Well let me fill you in. To gain the respect of his school (and date super underrated hottie Eliza Dushku) scrawny little DJ Qualls has to kick the ass of the biggest, baddest guy at the school. See where I'm going with this? This week I gotta do the same thing and take down King Mike in front of everyone. That's right. Shenanigans by 14pts.

NaughtyNurse & Mason vs Devonta Freeman & Eric: for Chris Sims? GOD DAMMIT!!!!! E by a lot.

Seadderall vs Gracie Leave Ted Alone: As much fun as I had making fun of BRFs squad, JOE was the one with the least amount of points last week. What the hell happened?! 40pts? There were individual players who have put up more in a game than that squad did in the week. Meanwhile, Shane needs to rebound after last week's embarrassing loss. With a couple of soft matchups this week, especially Brown against a non-existent Chargers secondary, I see him getting the job done this week. Gracie's a beast this week, wins by 15pts.

Aaron Rodgers Hot Girlfriend Is Olivia Munn vs Even Record Secrets: It's amazing what a difference one win makes. 1-3 is 11th place, 2-2 is 5th place. Still a lot of football left to play. I gotta hand it to Carla, being a good wife and supporting her husband's awful choice of football teams. How long will that support hold up with Gronk has 2TDs and NE Def returns at least one of Weeden's many INTs for a score? Won't be a pretty day in the Pruitt household and Kimmie takes the win by 11 (I picked eleven because Weeden is 0-10 as a starter now and likely to lose again)

Broken Romo vs BYE Week: The over/under on this matchup is 178.08 and I'm taking the under, the way under. These squads suck. It's AJ Green followed by nobody I would have drafted before round 6. At least Stacie is starting a QB who is expected to play this week. Picking this matchup must be the feeling Micah gets when he picks his wardrobe in the mornings, does it even matter if what's underneath isn't good to begin with? THAT'S SO COLD. And he's not even here to defend himself. But I digress. Just for shits and giggles lets call an upset. STACIE BY 3PTS.

It's all fun and games until you find yourself starting Boobie Dixon.

Moving week! The new Apartment is downtown and it's awesome. Someone come visit me.

WHO'S THAT POKEMON?!?!?!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 4

*Pops the cap off a Dos Equis, gets creative*

Welcome to the first week of cross league contamination. This is like the SEC vs the PAC-12 with Legacy teams taking on those upstart Crossfitters. Kinda quiet on the trash talk front this week, wonder what caused that.....

Current Leader: Hair Not Included

The biggest story this week is Undef-E-ated Pitt as the last man standing. Wow. This is the same E who once waited until November to notch his first win. Screw finding water on Mars, THIS is the biggest news of the week. I can't wait to see how he craps out down the stretch and fails again to make the playoffs. When that happens I'ma call his team the CowboyEeeeeeees.

While I enjoyed the sweet sweet taste of victory last week it was an otherwise dark day of football with the Ducks and Dolphins both taking landside losses against opponents they used to dominate with ease. Ugh. The Helfrich era has begun and honestly, I disagree with Joey Harrington. While yes, there's suddenly a lot of space on the Bandwagon, there's nothing wrong with having higher expectations after almost a decade of dominance. We should expect to WTD all the days. That said, I ain't going nowheres. Love my ducks.

London games are stupid. Watching the Dolphins is tough already, let alone waking up even earlier to do it. Also, I was planning on going to the Detroit Lions vs Kansas City Chiefs game until I found out it was also happening in London. I was going to make a shirt that was Chiefs Red and in white letters across the chest it would say "#LOLions". God damn London games.

Last week was rough, this week will be better LETS SEE SOME MATCHUPS!!!! (5-1 Last Week, this season is back on track!)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Shaner vs My Mom: I think we can all understand the significance of this matchup. My mom has had her fill of my goofball friends over the year (Nick, Travis, Schulz, Kelly, remember when my buddy Sean cried during your BBQ?) and she probably assumed I would make mature friends at some point, yet I continue to disappoint, and I'm over 30. Mom's never met Shane and that's because I don't want her to worry about the company I keep. Should she lose, I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it. Ever. Can't have that. Mom win this. DOGS by 10pts

Shake-n-Baker vs The Loneliest Jet Fan In the World: Jets suck. Actually they've been surprisingly effective just like E. After the draft I looked at the Mexican's squad with intimidation in my eyes, the clear winner of the league. I looked at E's squad like a bunch of school yard flunkies who would under achieve and leave E on the outside looking in once again come December. But surprise surprise surprise. Now it's the Mexican against the New Yorker in a showdown of what I think is a good squad and the annual collection of disappointment assembled by E. Was I that wrong?! Mexican wins by 20 pesos.

Seadderallforone vs Oh shit its the cops!: Another great matchup this week with 2nd place taking on 3rd place. Seriously, these are like early season bowl games and I'm hungover from New Years Eve. Joe fell short of his first place bid last week, taking the first loss of the season. Mike is a lucky son of a bitch who survived week 3 and hopefully put Bridgewater on the waiver wire he belongs on. I love me some Adrian Peterson and T Kelce (did you see his Smash Bros Themed Celebration??!?!) and Ryan Mallet is about as accurate connecting with his receivers as Manny Pacquiao was accurate connecting punches in his last fight. I'm on the right side of the law this week, TDs by 12pts

Naughty Naughty Nurse ;) vs Naughty Naughty ummmmm Property Development Manager?: How the mighty have fallen! Queen Anne's royal reign has gone from Joffrey to Tommen in only 4 weeks. How did that happen?? Mason has already increased involvement in the chat by 1000% so is he now pulling the levers on team Manneson? Or maybe the obvious Collusion IS TEARING THIS FAMILY APART?! Either way, the slide continues this week and I believe the Romosexual takes this by 19pts.

Had Something for This vs BRFs are (surprisingly!) tough to beat: Poor Carla has once again talked a big draft and come up short winded. If there was ever a week to win it would be during the BRF week. Andrew Luck is nursing a shoulder injury and the talent drops pretty hard on this squad after him. You can do this Carla. I believe. Had Something has something for this and wins by 9pts.

Winning Shenanigans vs Kimmie's Secrets: A Gronkless Kim isn't much of a threat now is she? This is my lucky week. Not sure what to write about here now. Pretty obvious who's gonna win. No Gronk, No Problem. I win by 20 or more points.

Another blessed week of football. I'll be traveling on Sunday though....hopefully my plane has the Wifi.

These would be easier to type if Kittens didn't exist.

The call is coming from inside......your phone!

LeVeon Bell was worth going 0-2 for.

I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down.

Big week next week, I get to go to Facebook and Twitter for workshops on how to be better at Facebook and Twitter.

Let's build a spaceship.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 3

Ugh. Not going to lie I'm feeling a little homesick this week. The whole family is in Oregon while I remain in KC. Surround by kittens and world-class BBQ. I always get homesick when cool stuff is happening in Oregon. Also doesn't help that my squad is 0-2 and my beloved fins lost the Los Angeles Jaguars at the last minute. Ugh. Football sucks. Gonna go drown my sorrows in some brisket from Oklahoma Joes.

It could be worse I suppose, I could be Chip Kelly this week. Or the Seahawks. Or the Colts. Honestly who would you rather be right now? The 0-2 Seahawks or the 2-0 Cowboys? I'd rather be the Seahawks who, just like me, will get a great player back this week, will make it to the playoffs and will RUN THE GOD DAMN BALL INTO THE ENDZONE!!!! Yes I'm still pissed about the Superbowl.

But enough being negative, even at 0-2 this season has already been too much fun! The facebook chat has been a welcome addition, at least for one division. And Shaner has injected the league with a level of trash talking and inappropriateness we haven't seen before. Just like the gypsy said he would.

Heeeeeerrreeee's MATCHUPS!!!! (2-4 last week, I just don't have a read on this season yet)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Seadderall vs eeeeeeeeeee: The last two unbeaten teams mixing it up in week 3 I'll take it! Seriously, pretty even league with 8 out of 12 sitting at .500. But two teams have risen above the rest and there can only be one. E has been an absolute waiver wire warrior this season but I think his borrowed time has finally ran out. Meanwhile, Julio Jones, who I was one pick away from taking, is going to reset all the NFL records this year. Going 2-0 was already a huge accomplishment for E but I just don't see him hitting 3-0 in 2015. I'll take Oklahoma Joe for 15pts.

Bro vs Sis: On the flip side of that coin are the only two remaining winless losers desperately trying to turn it all around. At least I have an excuse, my number one pick hasn't played a snap. Carla went all-in on the Broncos, who must be worshipping a lucky horseshoe if you watched their 2 wins, and they haven't done it on offense. I on the other hand bet big on the Steelers who are killing it. LeVeon Bell puts my team on his back and to the playoffs starting this week. Me by 12pts.

Choke N Awe vs Defeated Secret: Both these teams looked like they had Direct TV in week one and then had Cable in week 2. Which one should I believe in? Matt Forte is bound to have 2...maybe 6 defenders on him moving forward because he represents 83% of the talent on that team. While the Mexican has uno, dos, tres! top tier running backs this week. Unless Hill gets benched for fumbles again this week I gotta think the Mexican crosses the boarder for a win this week.

Who'd want to KILL Ted? vs BYEs Can't Be Beat: They really can't can they? This is what happens when you draft a Kicker in the 5th round. FIFTH ROUND!!! And a Dallas Kicker?!?!! C'mon Man! Shaner by dozens.

Nice Pass, Great TDs vs. COLLUSION & Mason: I had no idea the HansEns were such fans of the LOLions. Which normally wouldn't be too bad for Fantasy except for when they're facing a very dominate Denver Defense.....who Mike has in his lineup! I'll take TDs and Beers for the win by 5 sacks and 2 picks by Mathew 'Puffy Face' Stafford.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Birthdays Running Wild: Fun fact! Weeden is 0-8 when starting the game. Yup! Never won a game as a starter. Fun times ahead for the Dallass faithful. Mom pulled off the HUGE upset last week when Giovanni benefited from fumbles and the Rodgers to Jones connection (circa 2007). However, it was Steve's birthday recently and the nice thing would be to pick him right? DOGS by 10pts.

Gooooooo Ducks! Big game against the Utes this week. I think we can all understand the significance of this game.

Coolness name in football? Prince Amukamara.

Big agency party for MNF this week. Set the over under on 7.5 free beers. Thinking about wearing a Packers shirt just to screw with them.

"DRAFT KINGS! DRAFT KINGS! BROS IN BACKWARDS HATS WINNING MONEY! DRAFT KINGS!" - Every god damn commercial break

Don't let anyone steal your dancing shark.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 2

Welcome back sports fans!!!!

Week one was AMAZING!!!! wasn't it?! Except for maybe Staci. That was ugly. And for this guy.

In some ways the NFL is wildly predictable. Reggie Bush is already injured, Ndamukong Suh already did something shitty and the Patriots reminded us why we all hate them. God I hate the patriots. And in other ways, tons of surprises!!! None warmed my heart more than watching Marcus Mariota light up Jameis Winston for a win......oh wait no we've seen that one before. 

Our league had some surprises as well. I guess yahoo knows a little more about draft grades than i gave them credit for. Oh well. Wins this week came in landslide fashion. That's sort of how week one goes I think. Teams will adjust, outcomes will change and Greg Olson scores a dozen touchdowns. That's how it happens. 

Game, Set, MATCHUPS. (3-3 last week, I let myself down)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Some hot Nurse on Nurse action: This matchup really brings out the fantasy in fantasy football when Anne and Staci decide to get it on. Anne's probably riding a tidal wave of confidence after standing up to the school yard bully last week. Meanwhile, Staci set a league record for fewest points scored in a week (actually she didn't, the record is still held by Micah, shock, who put up 24pts back in 2013). Staci's going to need that stethoscope to find any pulse to her playoff chances after Anne completely ravishes her and her poorly drafted group of flunkies. Hellllooooooooooo Nurse! Anne on top of Staci........by..........what was i talking about?

Only Jets Fan Evahhh vs Romosexual Tendencies: FACT! Eric has never started a season 2-0. I looked it up! Since the league began in 2007 he's only won his opener like 2 or 3 times and has never won the first two games. That's sorta amazing right? What are the possible odds of that? What the odds of it continuing on to next year?! Pretty high I'd say. Romosexual wins by a last second 7pts. 

The Mexican vs A Cop: When has this matchup ever worked out for a Mexican? Never. But this Mexican has plenty of friends. Friends who score touchdowns. And when you have friends like this its hard to lose. Even against a cop. And Mike, I hope Kelce and Landry DO NOTHING FOR YOU. The Mexican alludes the police and resists arrest, by 20pts. 

What's Your Deal? vs Starfish Loves You: #tbt. Joe did himself a huge favor when he drafted the only Niners player who will matter this season, Carlos Hyde. Are you kidding me with that spin move?! I think Joe will hard to stop this season until Marshawn Lynch breaks down in week 7. Which would be kinda ironic for the Niner fan. Carla's team, and the city of Denver, is relying a little too heavily in Manning's throwing arm for me to pick blood over water this week. OMAHA! Joe wins this one by 15pts.

The Hulk vs A Cop: Shane has hit this league like a transfer from another prison, looking around for the biggest person and trying to beat them up. He found our former champ last week and......well didn't stand a chance. This week he'll try to curry favor with the guards instead. This ones tough to call. I feel like Rex Ryan will contain Gronk but I also don't think Shady McCoy gets more than 10 carries (if any at all). I don't think either team comes close to their 100+pt projections, and it will be close! I'll give the nod to Shaner because I always root for the bad guy. Always. Shaner by Niner.  

Me vs Mom: It wouldn't be a fantasy football season unless my mom had a Packers WR to go with her Packers QB. James Jones out of NOWHERE! Meanwhile, I'm trying to find some sort of answer at RB until next week when LeVeon Bell returns to my roster and I win the league. In that order. Sorry mom, i love you, but I ain't in the business of starting 0-2. Me by 12 points. 

Now go Pop-n-Lock-It. 

The Commish

S. 

The Commish Report: Week 1

The first season of this league was back in 2007 and we had 6 managers, mostly people who are legally obligated to be my friend, like my mom. Four of those six made the playoffs, and E still didn't. I never want him to forget that.

WELCOME TO THE 2015 FANTASY FOOTBALL SEASON!!! [fireworks]

Now we have 12 managers, 2 divisions, a strong police presence (thanks Kim), too many Niner fans and a Mexican (thanks affirmative action). The league has come a long way except for Eric who still hasn't made the playoffs.

Welcome new managers Kim, Mike and Shane.

For those who are new this is the weekly Commish Report where I predict each week's outcomes and share my POV on your team, your fantasy team, the league, random thoughts, deeply seeded judgements of your character, pop culture and anything else I feel like writing. I promise no kitten pictures.

As per always never take this report seriously. Or read it at all.

LETS GET TO THE MATCHUPS!!!!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Some Hot Cop on Cop Action: Hard to pick the best matchup this week since rivalry week seemed to also be opening week this season. In New York City, a guy could pay ten bucks to watch two cops have sex in a cage but this will be way more entertaining for a lot less money. Adrian Peterson is going to go off this year and I think the Niners are basically begging fans to play defense for them at this point so I give a tip of the hat to Officer Mike after AP kicks off his final epic season with 2 scores and a hundred yards. Mike wins this 'Domestic Disturbance' by 23 AP points.

Carla vs Steve: I love it when couples quarrel in fantasy football. You guys should wager something regarding Steve the Third. How about winner gets to decide Saturday wardrobe for the little guy. Steve wins, you can begin Junior self esteem issues by dressing him as a Ute. If Carla wins, he can begin to see how good green and yellow looks on him. I like this! Hard to pick a team with Rip Van Witten on it but I want what's best for my Nephew. Carla wins by 9pts.

The Mexican vs Staci "God Damn" Nevin: Frank Gore? Darren McFadden? Anquan Boldin? DeSean Jackson? This team kicks 2009 ass! Unfortunately its 2015 and half these guys will break down before halftime. Meanwhile that sneaky Mexican put together a formidable force ready to stomp on Staci's old man fetish and shoot pistols in the air, or whatever Mexicans do. Arrrrriba!!!! by 20pts

CAPS LOCK vs E: Two things I can count on every season is Mom auto-drafting and E calling it a season earlier than most. Weird seeing only TWO packers on the DOGS squad. Down from about 5 from prior years. E got some late round magic with Tom Cheater and Arian Foster possibly paying off in big ways. IS THIS THE YEAR?! They say the 9th time is the charm and I believe, at least for one week. E by 10pts.

Shaner vs Queen Anne: I smell nothing but COLLUSION coming from both these teams. Anne's championship champaign campaign was a statistical improbability AT BEST last season. I can only imagine Shane will lie, cheat and steal his way to the promise land in his rookie season. Personally I hope this matchup ends in a tie and then a glitch in the system gives them both losses. But I'm not that lucky. I'm giving the edge to experience when Shane wonders why he didn't think to play Cam Newton against Jax instead of Russell against STL and loses by 5pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs Ninexodus: I think the Niners set a record for trimming the roster this season, unorthodoxly beginning the process back in May when many players decided working at car dealerships was better than staying on that burning wagon. Must be depressing for Joe, who gets a little too excited to see another grown man kiss his bicep. Yahoo loves his squad though, giving him an A on his draft while I got a B. You won't be the first student with better grades that I've gotten the best of in the end. I'ma win this matchup and shove it in yahoo's stupid face. Shenanigans by 8pts.

The top song in 2007 was "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce.

That cops having sex in a cage line is from Super Troopers. Great movie.

You're all irreplaceable to me.

Just kidding, we've actually never had the same roster in consecutive years.

The league could be called "Replaceable".

What a day, what a lovely day!

The Commish
S.