The Commish Report: Playoff Edition

Just finished this, I give it 5 Jack Daniels

And now, the end is near
And so I face the glitter curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll set my lineup, of which I'm certain

I've kept my roster full
Even if traveling along a highway
But more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention (Olson, Evans and Parker)
I did what I had to do
And played Kareem Hunt without exemption

I planned each waiver find
Each careful start along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When Andy Reid left my RB screwed
But through it all, when there were doubts
I came back, on Monday night routes

I led in Points Against but I stood tall
And through it all, I did it my way
I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill my share of losing (Seven!)

And now, as playoff jitters subside
I find my hairkini so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say - not in a shy way

Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way
For what is a man, what has he got
If not athleticism, then he has fantasy

To pick players he truly feels
And not the ones of online rankings
The losing record shows, I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes, it was my way.

I always get emotional this time of year. Normally its because I didn't make the post season. So I'm angry. But hey! 6th place and full of optimism so feeling good.

Anyone can make predictions, but few go back and see if they were right. I had a few hot takes well before the season began so lets revisit those to see if i was right or wildly incorrect.

Andrew Luck won't see the field until October, Colts win less than 5 games this season. 

Luck is somewhere in Europe getting stem cells injected into his throwing shoulder while the Colts have 3 wins. Yup.

Jay Cutler will play surprisingly well. Fins return to the Playoffs. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Cutler's gonna Cutler and the Fins have 5 wins.

Patriots will NOT repeat. I'll take the field.

This looked like a genius statement in early October but now the Patriots have won their last 8 and still have games agains the Fins, the Bills and the Jets. Homefield advantage makes them the AFC favorite. Still. I'll take the field.

Dallas regresses, goes 8-8.

Cowboys are 6-6 and won't be going Dak to the playoffs. (Cowboys jokes write themselves)

Cam Newton returns to form. 

Panthers are 8-4 and Newton is a top 5 Fantasy QB. Meanwhile, Blake Bortles remains on waivers.

Kanas City Chiefs are going to the Superbowl! You heard me.

Ok Ok Ok. Still possible. Yea? Someone has to win the AFC West and the only thing we know is that it won't be the Denver Broncos.

This since this is the last report of the season. As custom, I will simply ranked in order who I want to see take home that glorious title belt. Hint, it's me.

PERSON I LEAST WANT TO SEE WIN IT! 90's Buffalo Bills: No surprise here. Shane still reeks of collusion and under-handedness. Every week he bitches to me about the waiver wire and every week I remind him that he's the reason it exists. I think what bothers me most about his team this season is it is basically the team i had LAST season. Gordon & Gurley were my one/two punch at running back last season and did NOTHING. Yet that same formula makes Shaner the #1 seed. Ain't that a kick in the head.

Victorious Secrets: Back to back to BACK titles? That's unpossible! Kim's been a gracious champion but the last thing this league needs is a dynasty (that isn't me). I'm her first obstacle from the three-peat and as my spirit God Ric Flair says... "You want to be the man? You got to beat the man woman! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mike's Team Photo

TDs and Beer: Mike's got a rock hard ass but a Charmim soft team. Wanting to see him win the title is like rooting for Duke. He's lived an easy life of privilege, trust funds and questionable tripping incidents so I get real excited when Boston College or Staci Nevin defeats him.

The Elders: I've seen waaaaaay too many pictures of Jerry Jones this season thanks to super-fan Steve and his crooked weekly picks scheme. Just like Dallas though I suspect inflated expectations followed by an underwhelming performance. Just like Dallas last season!

NaughtyNurse: The two headed Hansen monster returns to the post season, looking to reclaim the belt Kimmie stole from her almost 3 years ago. I couldn't imagine co-running a team with Katie. She'd want to pick Patriots players past their prime (yay alliterations!) and I'd want to win. A title in the Hansen home is my definition of a #relationshipgoal

PERSON I WANT TO SEE IT WIN IT ALL! Me of course! It's been two sad years since I've made the playoffs and even at the 6th seed with a losing record anything is possible. I'd have to go through Glitter Farts and the Romosexual to get to the big dance but if Kareem Hunt can play like week 1 then I can do anything yes I can!

I hope you all had as much fun as I did this season. Win or lose it's fun to share the season with some friends and family. Lets do it again in '18.

I commish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 13

I've literally run out of things to say about the NFL so lets talk College Football!

After yesterdays upsets you can expect the following playoffs from the selection committee.

1 - Clemson
2 - Oklahoma
3 - 'Bama
4 - Norte Dame some god damn how.

No offense to "Jimbo's Heating and Air Conditioning" in Oklahoma City, but at 70 MILLION dollars its safe to say Jimbo Fisher is the richest Jimbo that ever Jimbo.

Hurts my heart to see Chip Kelly back in the Pac-12 and not with the Ducks. Meanwhile, Taggart needed MORE money to stay faithful to Oregon after going 7-5? Outlook not so bright.

Mike Reilly deserved better than what Nebraska gave him.

Never give money to someone named Jimbo. 

Speaking of money, quick reminder of our fabulous cash prizes this season.

#1 Seed - $25
3rd Place - $25
2nd Place - $50
1st Place - $200!!! (And the Belt, which Kimmie needs to wash the glitter from before passing on)

On to this week's matchups!!!! (4-2 last week)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! The Elders vs. Hard Gronk Life: 5 of the 6 Golden Tickets to Wonka's factory have been found and one remains. It could belong to Hiro but she's need to defeat the 2nd best team in the league to do so. Steve's sitting pretty on a 6 game win streak, 2nd overall seed, 1st round BYE. He's the 2005 Colts, doesn't even need to play his starters in the final week of the season. Those Colts also lost their first playoff game. Steve, I need you to beat Katie. I need to make the playoffs. Give this week everything you got! I'll even reverse my own jinx for you. Hiro gets the upset by 5pts. *winks*

Evil Shenanigans vs. Mariota Kart: This should be an easy one but it wouldn't be the first time my sister has knocked my flailing team out of the playoffs. Vernon Davis's disappearing act continued last Thursday with 2 targets for 15 yards. And I don't think anyone, even Alfred Morris, expected 27 carries. Really my team lives and dies by Kareem Hunt, which is a scary situation to be in. Will he return to form and score for the first time since before Halloween??!! Me and the rest of the KC are desperate for it. #FreeKareem Shenanigans prevails and gets to the Playoffs for the 1st time in 3 years.

90's Buffalo Bills vs. Victorious Secrets: It's December and it's Kim against Shane. We've seen this story before and it usually ends with Shane crying into his protein shake. A win for Kim would potentially knock Shane out of the #1 seed, giving it to Mike instead. Crowder has already disappointed and Gordon faces a sneaky good Cleveland run defense. Hmmmm... This one has all the makings of a yuuuuge upset. I'll take it! Glitterfarts by 9pts.

BRFs Beaten Frequently vs. Soft TDs: While I would love to see it, it won't happen. Mike by 18pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs. Not Making The Playoffs: I think we all comprehend the significance of this matchup. Both teams actually got stronger as the season progressed. Both teams have gone over 100pts in 3 of the past 5 weeks. This one could very well be the most competitive of the matchups this week, just with absolutely nothing at stake. I'll give this one to DOGS on the back of another ridiculous performance by Kamara. Dogs by 8

Shock n Loss vs. Naughty Nurse: The one week Dez caught it and Casey leaves him on the bench. There's a reason Anne is in the Playoffs and the Mexican is back to landscaping for rich people early this year. Naughty by 10pts.

Hiro and I got everything booked for our European Elopement Experience this Spring. I'll be sure to say "I Do" as well as call it "Soccer" when prompted.

Wow, only 1 more report to write that Casey will never read. How time flies when you're watching replays of obviously touchdowns over and over and over...

The Commish.
S.

The Commish Report: Week 12

Christmas Trees are his favorite. 

I hope you all had as wonderful a Thanksgiving as I had in North Carolina, surrounded by Katie's "white side". Now, Christmas time is in full swing back in Kansas City, despite it reaching 70 degrees this weekend. Yay global warming. I am thankful for friends, family, football and especially thankful for Russell Wilson scoring the 35pts I needed to beat Eric last week. Blessings.

You know who should be thankful but isn't? The Buffalo Bills. Being a part of the BillsMafia is already more of a way of life than it is a fan base (proof) yet that organization takes the best part of their team, Tyrod Taylor, and sits him in favor of...Nathan Petermann. Who was bad. Justice League bad. WTF could they possibly have seen in practice that made them think T-mobile was the one holding this team back and Petermann is the spark this team needed? Tyrod Taylor is a beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure and the Bills don't deserve him.

In our beautiful world of non-athletic athleticism, the post season table is just about set and now teams are jockeying for positioning as we made the final turn. The only battle is for that 6th position. It's mine for the taking but there's one person within striking distance and that's my lovely fiancé. If I win this week I'm in. If I win next week I'm in too. She needs to win both. Should my team fall apart down the stretch, no kitten on Earth will be safe from my wrath.

Grab a matchup and light it up. (4-2 Last Week, Thankful)

"Thoughts on Mike's team?"

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! 90's Buffalo Bills vs Big TDs: Shane hasn't tangled with the law this much since senior week back in '99. A win and he takes over the first seed. A loss and Mike will most likely walk into the post season on the same golden road he's been on since the beginning. Mike's team is showing up for the 2nd straight week, already bumping up his projection by 30pts. But Shane's no lightweight (obvi). Fun fact, only ONE team has scored over 100pts against Mike this season, and that was Shane back in week 3. That's all it should take to beat Mike. Shane will score over 100pts this week. Shane gets the win and takes over 1st place.

(Another fun fact about Mikes team. The average amount of points scored against him this season is 81.75. Meanwhile, teams facing me have scored less than this only once. However, the league record for weakest schedule is 76.9. But this was set before we had defensive players. In short, Mike's schedule is soft. Kevin Durant soft.)

Victorious Secrets vs. Naughty Nurse: Meeeeeee and Marvin, Marvin Jones. We got a thing going on....well on the bench at least. I'm sure Kimmie was cussing into her stuffing on Thanksgiving when her bench went off for 22 points. While Mark Ingram has been seemingly unstoppable these past few weeks I don't see much else on Kims roster that I think will put up big points this weekend. On her starting roster at least. This matchup will be Funchess and I see Anne coming out on top. Naughty by Nature and 10pts.

The Elders vs Mariota Kart: A Keenan hasn't had a year this good since '96 when a simple grocery store clerk befriended an orange soda loving fool named Kel and comedic gold ensued. After a big Thanksgiving for Steve I don't see much on Carla's roster than makes me believe she'll pull of the stunning upset. "Aw, here it goes!" Elders by 20pts.

Yup, NotMakingThePlayoffs vs. Still has a shot at the Playoffs: After his crushing defeat last week, Eric looks to rebound against the future Mrs. Roberts. Unfortunately, Thielen was relatively quiet on Thanksgiving and he's left with key players facing stout defenses while the Patriots play Miami who is not so good at football but awesome at making cocaine videos for hookers. I'm gonna have to say Katie gets the win this week, by at least a gram. Maybe even a quarter.

BRFs vs The Mexican: Feliz Navidad Bitches!!! Casey by mucho.

Evil Shenanigans vs. His Mom: While I may consider myself "Mr. Monday Night Football" my team sucks at Thursday Night Football. Other than Kareem Hunts 40 point opener, my players on Thursdays never dress to impress and last Thursday was no exception, putting me behind the eightball this weekend. Minus the first week of the season, DOGS has consistently scored around the mid 90's but has only broken 100pts twice, including a loss last week. I think the stats are in my favor, but in this game nothing is certain. Evil prevails and locks up the Playoff birth, by a miraculous monday night football defensive TD.

How hot was Kareem Hunts start to the season? He hasn't made his projection in 7 straight games and is still the 2nd best back in Fantasy. Praying to the BBQ Gods he gets back on track this week.

For years I thought Mele Kalikimaka was "a wise way" to say Merry Christmas to you. Years.

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 11

Hello there. Welcome back. I'm glad you could join me this evening. Remember this is your world. You get to make and break the rules here.

Roger Goodell vs. Jerry Jones is the war of words between two rich white men I didn't realize my life was missing. Who do you even root for in this? One guy is ruining football with London games every year. The other ruins football by giving the Lions three picks for Roy Williams. Whoever wins, its been a big year for white, power hungry, James Bond villains already so glad to see that gravy train continuing to roll strong.



That Boodrow Gravy Train came to a screeching halt last week with legacy teams saying "$#%@ the police". In fact, Legacy teams actually won 4 of 6 cross divisional matchups last week! Doubling their season win total against those other guys in a single leap. Currently the hottest team the league is the Mormon lover from Dallas.... or is that the Dallas lover from Utah?

(4-2 last week. Still not perfect.)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! In New York City, a guy could pay ten bucks to watch two cops have sex in a cage but in Southern Oregon the action is even hotter. Fantasy Football hot! The best part of this matchup is that one of them will be on a two game losing streak. I hope it's Mike, since 1,2,3,4,5, SIX!! other teams have scored more points this season than his band of losers and Fournette. What's that? Fournette is a game-time decision for a team that actually benched him a week ago? Kim wins, by 15pts. 

90's Buffalo Bills vs. The Mexican: I doubt that the Mexican even reads these. He wasn't even paying attention last week when my team last remaining hope, A DOLPHIN!, brought me just enough yards to sneak up and defeat him. So he probably won't notice this week when Shaner's team demolishes his squad of two living breathing Browns running backs and Dez Bryant. The 90's Buffalo Bills circle the wagons and get the win like Jim Kelly's playing in the regular season.

Super Mariota Kart vs. Antonio Brown: This.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs The Elders: Just like Dallas, Steve's team just isn't that threatening without Zeke on a leash. Meanwhile, DOGS team is running a little wild behind a Pittsburgh defense that picked off Mariota 4 times. Mix in Karmara in primetime and Carr needing to keep up with the Patriots, I'm smelling an upset. But would it be really and upset when she already beat him back in week 3?! DOGS gets the win and the sweep by 5pts. 

BRFs Can't Be Beat vs Naughty Nurse: A full and updated roster, good things! Derrick Henry getting 30 yards, bad thing. Meanwhile, team Hansen is looking better each week they get closer to the Playoffs. NN wins by 19pts. 

Evil Shenanigans vs. Eric Shenanigans: Eric's using the same technique in fantasy football that he use to use to pick up women. Insult them and hope they feel a need to prove themselves. Since re-naming his team to "Not Making the Playoffs" he's gone 3-2. Ironically if he wins he'd be in the Playoff picture, taking my place on the bubble. Am I mad about having the most points in the league yet a "bubble team" with 3 weeks remaining? Yes. Yes i am. Evil by 10pts. 

Tomorrow I catch a plane to North Carolina to for my 3rd major holiday spent with the famiLEE. My first major holiday was Thanksgiving '14. Where I was a well behaved gentleman eager to ensure her entire family enjoyed my company. The 2nd big holiday was Christmas '16, were I intentionally mixed in a small sex toy into their white elephant gift exchange for my own entertainment. I think Thanksgiving '17 is when the family meets drunk Scott. Time for the real me flash across the sky like a handsome shooting star, hairkini and all. They'll learn a lot about me and I'll learn if Hiro actually reads these reports. 

Sweet baby Jesus.

The Commish

S.  

The Commish Report: Week 10

Katie and I,  standing inches apart from one another this morning.

I look into her eyes and ask her "Is this what you always imagined being engaged would be like?"

Katie, shaving in the details of a bikini top out of what's left of my hairy chest, using a small pink razor I had stolen from her side of the bathroom sink.

"No," she says. "Definitely not what I imagined."

😆😆😆😆😆

Photo shoot is later today.
Pics when I'm happy with them.
Shane's bet will be paid in full.
This Lannister always pays his debts.
Unlike Casey....

Short report this morning, as shaving took much longer than I thought it would! (3-3 last week, a few close shaves)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! #1 seed vs. #2 seed: Of course Zeke would be suspended the week Steve faces off against Mike. Granted, Mike can only play the team's on his schedule, but god dammit this is getting out of hand. His team is as overranked as Notre Dame is but Steve's not the Hurricane that's going to unveil his shortcomings. Not without Zeke. Mike continues an improbable run of good Irish luck, by 2 Fourtnette touchdowns.

BRFs are easily beat vs. Super Mariota Kart: At the opposite end of the spectrum we have the 12th seed vs. the 11th seed in the "someone's gotta win" bowl. Carla put Marcus back in the driver seat which is more than enough for me to believe she gets the win but stays the 11th seed. Carla by a few.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs NaughtyNurse: Le'veon's projections are ridiculous, but it is against poor Indy who won't be seeing Andrew Luck anytime soon. You see he's now in Europe for non-FDA approved treatments?! We may never see Andrew Luck again, which will sadden me because "Captain Andrew Luck" is one of my favorite twitter accounts to follow. But I digress. Dogs has a sneaky underrated team with Karmaro, Gronk and even Josh McCown is a decent play this week against a stupid stupid stupid Tampa Bay team. I'll take the DOGS upset in a close one.

Evil Shenanigans vs. The Mexican: Ugh, now with my familiar distinction of "scores the most points and has a losing record" I'm left with 4 weeks to make a push for the playoffs. Casey, meanwhile, is watching his chances of a championship diminish faster than he did watching Yu Darvish pitch for 2 innings.  Too soon? Shenanigans wins by 5 runs.

90's Shaner vs. Hard Gronk Life: Hiro's already mad at Shane because of all the hair that's suddenly covering the bathroom SHE JUST CLEANED YESTERDAY!!! Also those 2 TDs by Graham Cracker isn't helping. Hiro's got a lot of firepower left with Brady, Cooks and Brown. But while they've been inconsistently brilliant, Gordon and Gurley have been consistently awesome. Plus did I mention 2 TDs from Graham already!? Shane gets the win.

Not Making the Playoffs vs. Glitter Farts: Holy Bye week! Kim's streak of 6 wins is in danger because she's forced to leave all her big guns on the bench. It is Eric she's playing this week, so I give her more than 40% chance of victory here. E's got a few good matchups. I can't imagine Atlanta only running Freeman 9 times against that patchwork Dallas run defense and Cam will get his against the poor Dolphins. However, this is Eric we're talking about. Kimber keeps rolling, by 6pts.

Two, three, four, tell the people what he wore!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 9

I'm easy like Sunday Morning today. Cup of KC coffee, commish report on the lapper, Hiro still asleep for at least 2 more hours, cats are hiding because they know Sundays we stuff them into NFL apparel. It's not animal abuse if its entertaining.

The Good: Favorite NFL story this week is that Goodell and Jerry Jones have to turn over their phone records and emails because of Colin Kapernick. It's not like those guys have skeletons in their closet that might be pulled out into public spotlight right? I'm sure Tom Brady is laughing in his Uggs.

The Bad: Deshaun Watson Nooooooooo!!!!! This fantasy football season hates me. But what else is new? Don't tell Hiro but if I had to choose between Deshaun tearing an ACL and one of the cats it would be REALLY tough to choose..... which cat gets a torn ACL.

The Ugly: $%#@ you Papa Johns. You know you screwed up your pizza brand when DiGiorno is landing shots against you. Now the brand is being embraced by Alt-right groups while demonized by mostly everyone else. While I typically don't side with the social justice warriors, Papa John is known as an asshole and guess who owns over 100 Papa John’s Restaurants and is the biggest single stake holder of Papa Johns besides the owner? You guessed it, Jerry Jones. $%#@ em both!

Onto the Matchups!!! (4-2 last week, would have been better but I let myself down)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! NotMakingThePlayoffs vs. Totally Making the Playoffs: Not that I'm rooting against Mike, but the cops are winning too much this season. It helps when the team you face lays an egg against you every week. Seriously! Mike's opponents are averaging a pedestrian 83.75 points against him this season. For comparison, the league average is around 94pts per week while I see an average of 102.75 points each week because you all hate me. After his random ass jets players put up double digit points on thursday I'm hoping some mathmatical averages take place and Mike faces someone who actually threatens his week. C'mon guys, lets rise up against these cops! Attica! Attica! E wins! Attica!

BRFs vs. Hard Gronk Life: Uh oh! Normally I'd accuse someone who started not one, but TWO jets running backs as purposely trying to lose the match. But some god damn how that turned into a smart move that could only happen to Nevin. Meanwhile Hiro's in a bad spot with BYE weeks and injuries. This feels weird but....Nevin.. wins? Did I spell that right? Feels strange to write. Nevin wins.

Victorious Secrets vs Super Alex Smith Kart: Despite T-mobile racking up 30ish points agains the Jets D, I still think this matchup will be close. I expect Alex Smith to throw a lot against the cowboys and C Thompson to further expose what actually is a weak seattle defense. I don't see Blount doing much against the Denver D that destroy the Chiefs run game (and my shot at a huge upset) last week. Kimmie's a similar situation to Mike where teams just don't do much against her. Carla puts up a fight but the law prevails in this one. Glitter farts by 10pts.

The Elders vs The Mexican: Steve's team keeps going as long as our US justice system keeps allowing for appeals. What a difference a Zeke makes too. After putting up an astonishing 140 some points against me last week, if history has taught me anything, his team will put up a gentlemans 70 points against Casey this week. Is Casey's team good? Hardly, but enough to put up the 71 points necessary to beat Steve. Casey wins, by 9pts.

DOGS vs Bills: If this were a matchup based on Karma I'd say my mom wins by dozens. But instead this is a matchup where Kamara is your best running back so Shane gets the win here. Although 103pt projection with Shepard and Lacy in the lineup?! Go home Yahoo you're drunk. Shane wins, but doesn't cover his ridiculously high projection.

Evil Shenanigans vs Helloooooooooo Nurse!: Love me an Animaniacs reference. Greatest kids show ever. But I digress. After not getting anything out of my kicker or my TE, this matchup is a lot closer than I'd like it to be. Also an ugly BYE week situation for me. Luckily I won't have to deal with LeVeon so that's good. I expect Funchess and Brees to get theirs. Dolphins head coach announced this week they have "the worst offense in the league" and I'm starting two Dolphins players this week. Am I unreasonably optimistic this week? You be the judge. Shenanigans wins by 2 Cutler TDS to Parker!!!!

They had a great Halloween.

Go see Thor Ragnorok! Is it the most entertaining Marvel movie since Guardians of the Galaxy? Yes. Does it have a joke about Hulk's penis? Also yes. Is Jeff Goldblum the best part of the movie? OF COURSE HE IS! Fantastic stuff!

Stat of the week:
Avg points of a Legacy Team - 747.88
Avg points of a  Crossfitters Team - 750.00
Basically even.
One division just has an exceptionally terrible team they use to pad their win/loss record with.

What are you, Thor, god of hammers?

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 8

Kiko Alonso is a stupid, stupid man.

Not because of the hit. No not that. The NFL’s coddling of quarterbacks now puts the onus of safety 100 percent on the defender. Which is the equivalent of making your bartender your AA sponsor. Alonso is a tackling machine just doing his job of stopping the runner. Between the start of the slide and the time of the hit, Kiko has a total of maybe .39 seconds to determine that A) Flacco is in fact sliding and B) must alter and/or halt his full-speed momentum in a way that doesn’t physically touch the quarterback. It took Katie and I roughly 97 minutes to pick what we wanted for dinner tonight. That hit is not Kiko's fault, it's the fault of NFL rules and Quarterbacks gaming that system.

But Kiko Alonso is still a stupid, stupid man.

Nobody outside of Maryland ever agreed with this.

Why you ask? Because if you're the Miami Dolphins, and you want to win this game, taking out Joe Flacco is a horrible strategy! Flacco has gone from throwing the Mile High Miracle during the championship run to not being able to complete a simple screen pass. He statistically ranks below the  Mike Glennon and Brian Hoyer were at the time of their benching. Before Thursday night's tilt, his QBR for the season was 30.0. So why even bother trying to take Flacco out of a game you're trying to win? You want him behind center, missing screen passes and lobbing it up for your defensive backs. Kiko Alonso, great tackler but seriously lacks situational awareness. Which is why he's a stupid man.

On to this week's matchups! (3-3 last week, stupid.)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! TDs and Byes vs NaughtyNurse: Fournette and a weak schedule enabled Mike to ride a months worth of wins to the top of the heap. But now he faces a strong Anne team with an unfournette case of the BYE week keeping his money maker out of lineup. Meanwhile, the Hansen household is looking over at Brees and Bell and their sweet matchups like easy money. Leaving that Tucker on the bench was a mistake but I've got to believe Anne will be able to kick Mike while he's down this week and maybe even take over 1st place while she's at it! NaughtyNurse gets the not-so-upset win by 15pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Hiro in a Half Shell: Normally this would be a short write up with a Katie win. Mom's team just hasn't been the same since Rodgers went down. But then 29 defensive points from the B-more Defense makes this matchup interesting. The problem with both these teams are the Running backs. Of the 5 running backs in this matchup none of them has more fantasy points than Dalvin Cook does. Think about that for a sec. Someone's gotta win this matchup however and I'll give the nod to my Mom to get a win this week. Mostly because I watched this amazing clueless gamer episode that should get Aaron Rodgers 29 points as well. DOGS by 5pts.

BRFs Can't Be Beat vs. 90s Buffalo Bills: HAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaaaaaaaa.... Shane by 40.

Evil Shenanigans vs. The Elders: Twice now I've thought I may not have to face Zeke and Steve (Steke?) and twice now I've had the US justice system let me down. I'm a victim here! I need all 40pts from Kareem Hunt back in week 1 to beat Steve's 2 headed running back monster and this time around he has Amari Cooper thanks to the most ridiculous thing a Hansen has ever done since naming a song "mmmbop". I'll need more magic from Kareem, something I've been missing in recent weeks, as well as Cooper to go back to being week 1 Cooper to win this one but I'm as optimistic this week as any other week of the season. Shenanigans by 5pts.

Not Making the Playoffs vs. Also Not Making the Playoffs: E has apparently thrown in the towel already while Carla's team started off hot and fizzled quickly. Each is looking for a glimmer of hope to feel like their season is turning around and one of them is bout to get it because someone has to win, right? I think the stat of this game belongs to Eric. The last time Cam Newton had a press conference go wrong he responded the following game with 3 TDs and 300+ yards passing and in case you missed it this week's press conference didn't go so well either. E wins by 10 Cam press conference points.

Shock y Mexico vs Victorious Secrets: Kimmie is patting herself on the back for playing CJ Mosely but she should be kicking herself for starting Ajajaja more. Her RB1 has had single digit weeks 5 of the last 7 outings but some god damn how she's on a 4 game win streak regardless. Casey's only divisional win is against the BRFs and I think that trend continues because, in my best Doctor Ian Malcom voice, "Uhhh Glitterfart's team uhhh somehow uhhh finds a way." Kimmie by 8pts.

Who's excited from Stranger Things 2?!
Really hoping Eleven discovers pancakes.
That'd be wild.

˙S
ɥsᴉɯɯoɔ ǝɥʇ

The Commish Report: Week 7

It was a dark and stormy night in KC...

Short report tonight as it's been an unusually full week and I haven't thought much at all about football. Some good friends of ours got married yesterday, great party, and then this morning I participated in my first footrace in years. To that kid who ran the all 10K with that massive symbolic backpack on, I GOT YOU GOOD YOU SONUVABITCH!!! I passed him (finally) at the home stretch after thinking he got away from me somewhere around mile 3. I believe he was running for cancer or scholarships or the shriners or something? Anyways, Loser. Beat ya.

BOO! Matchups! (3 for 3 last week, same as my record. I lead in points. Sigh.)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! Evil Shenanigans versus Hard Gronk Life: Storms brewing in KC this weekend in more ways than one when Katie and I go head to head this week. Pretty confident she's even got the cats working against me. My football week feels ruined already because of those GD refs from thursday nights game. I know it's October and all but I saw far too many ghost.... holding calls. It was frightening. That ending felt like the Refs were like "No, no, no! Do it again Oakland and do it right this time!". Ugh. But I digress. Hiro's whole week rests on what should be a fun Superbowl Rematch this Sunday night. They can't blow another lead to Brady and Co can they?! They learned from their humiliating loss?? They will come out ready to kill them right?? I'm counting on it! Falcons redeem and Shenanigans prevail by 11pts.

I think her Cat...

...is plotting...

...my death.

90's Bills vs. NaughtyMason: Honestly, how do you drop A. Cooper to waiver wires? I want to pick against Manneson just because of that alone. But then Tyreek Hill had himself a game and Shane's two RB money makers are facing the 1st and 3rd best run defenses in the league. So I'll go Anne here, by 125 yards and 1 TD.

Victorious Secrets vs BYE weeks can't be beat: Glitter Farts and her hubbie are each on 3 game win streaks. Their ugly dog must be so proud. I don't see Kim's getting busted this week, even if Staci actually updated her roster. Kimmie enjoys her BYE and wins by 20pts.

CARRS RUNNING WILD vs. Carrla: No Rodgers? No problem. 30pts from her bench QB has the DOGS squad cruising. Meanwhile, Carla looks to get her broke down Mariota Kart back up and running this week but I don't believe the rest of her team will have enough gas in the tank. DOGS won't take her foot off the gas along the road to victory this week by 10pts and I could do these puns all night!

The Elders vs Devonte Freeman: The Zeke thing is going to drag out all year isn't it? GD Cowboys ruin everything. Eric's team is actually a lot better than his 2-4 record might suggest and Steve doesn't deserve to get picked this week because when you find Amari gold on the waiver wire, you have to play him right? Right!? Eric by 2 Devonte Touchdowns.

Shock Y Spanish vs. MICHAEL CRABTREE IS A PUNK!: Dodgers in the World Series! Irish beating USC! The 49ers......err.....Dodgers in the World Series! Sports life couldn't be much better for the Mexican and even though Marshawn got ejected for conduct of a hooligan, I'm going to call a shocking upset and say the Mexican finds a way against Mike's red hot squad. Hopefully I'm right and his teams brings dollars to the table, not pesos. Casey by 4pts.

Favorite Twitter Joke of the Month:



The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 6

Hey Sportsfans!

The Internet remains undefeated this season.

So many great stories in the NFL this week but nothing, and I mean nothing, tops what happened in Miami.

Lets review the sequence of events. Shall we?

Dude decides to cheat on his wife using "escorts".

Dude decides to snort a ton of cocaine. But hey, if your job was protecting Jay Cutler wouldn't you?

Dude decides to make a video of him snorting said cocaine.

Dude sends video of him snorting said cocaine to one of the escorts from earlier.

Dude then threatens the life of said escort should she choose to use the cocaine snorting video he sent against him.

Escort releases said video to the press. Not so much because of his threats to her life, but rather "My motive was to basically expose the inequalities in the system," she said. "It’s not just the NFL. The inequalities that come with being a minority compared with a white privileged person in America in general. This is shining light on the inequalities we have as a country. We don’t get paid the same amount as everyone else."

Escort is the Colin Kaepernick of Las Vegas escorts.

This and Jay Cutler are why the Dolphins are last in the division.

It's only the 6th week of the season.

Lets snort up some of this week's Matchups!!! (4-2 by Shane last week, nobody's perfect)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Shane vs. Kim: Eli and Brady, Aaron Rodgers and the Dallas Cowboys, The 90s and The Buffalo Bills, Victorious Secrets and Shane. Everyone has their Kryptonite and Shane's is coated in glitter. And while their overall record is evenly split (3-3), twice Kim has been the only thing keeping Shane from the Championship. We owe her more than we could ever repay her. This one is going to be a close one. While those 2 Thursday TDs Ertz Shane's chances to win, you can't have 3 of your top 4 picks on the bench and expect to win against the #1 ranked team. Kim's feeling the hangover of two time championships and Shane takes the advantage this week even after giving away McCaffery for pennies on the dollar. Shaner by 5pts.

Zeke & Destroy vs. Hiro in a Half Shell: Katie started off with 3 wins and then lost her last 2. Steve started off with 3 losses and won his last 2. Now these two are on a collision course for probably 1st place in the NFC East, i.e. softest division in the league. Here's a hot take I realized the other day, is Eli Manning the worst QB in his division? If you were starting a team today and had to take Prescott, Wentz, Cousins or Him which would you pick? If your defense was playing said Eli Manning and the scrubs he'll be throwing the ball at this week are you probably going to win? Yes, yes you are. Hiro by the 20pts her defense will score.

Beauty and The Mexican Beast: Hottest team in our league right now? The Mexican! After doing some wheelin' and dealin' as only a mexican could, Casey's team is on a 3 week win streak and rapidly climbing out of the nevin cellar he was in. Now he's facing Anne's teams who has just been wildly inconsistent as inconsistent has get. Can she break 100pts? Yes. Can she score 70? Also yes. Which will it be this week? She dropped Cooper for Aghlaor and he grabbed a score, which makes her look like a genius. But it's hard not to bet on the hot handed mexican to find himself another victory on his improbable run to the top. Casey by 9pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs. Busted Mariota Kart: Consecutive losses aren't fun but nothing cures a case of shattered fantasy confidence like a visiting Mariota squad thats missing its Mariota. DeMarco doesn't scare like he used to and Montgomery lost his starting job. However, I have a bad track record against bad team. Fun fact, both one win teams in our league got their one win against me. Is Carla's team, who started off hot, now bad enough to beat me? God I hope not. Shenanigans by 10pts.

Dak Dat Pass Up vs. A TDs Man: Odds of Nevin forgetting to fill out her roster every week are the same odds of Mike winning this matchup. 92%. Mike by bunches.

Woe is E vs. DOGS RUNNING WILD: Did Cam Newton find a way to break his projection without throwing much at all Funchess's way? Yes. Will Eric still find a way to lose this matchup? Also yes. DOGS by 7pts.

Great week with Carla, Steve and Stephen in KC this week. They left today and my heart is full from their visit (as well as my stomach and my liver). I got the rare opportunity to bond with my little nephew. Sharp kid. Huge head. Here's a recap of what I learned.

Likes:
Elevators moving up
The Utah Utes *sigh*
Pumpkins
Naps

Dislikes:
Naps
Elevators moving down
Joe's Famous BBQ Ribs *sigh*
4D Lego Movies that Uncle Scott paid his hard earned money for him and everyone else to see you ungrateful little monster it was just water.

Our forthcoming hip hop mix tape will be straight 🔥



The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 5

Good evening Sportsfans.

It's October and I'm reading a Stephen King book....On Writing. Great book. I'm actually learning a lot from someone who knows a lot. So after 10 years of writing this weekly rag maybe I'm actually starting to put forth......what's the word....effort? Yea effort. Feels odd.

No effort on my part required this week however because someone actually answered the call to be a guest Commish Report writer this week. No surprise it's Shane, but I am surprised he can read AND write. Big accomplishment for the wealthy neanderthal. [Goes back to reading about writing]

Shane writes...

Here we are in week 5 and our second week of cross contamination of the dominate Crossfitters against the participation award legacy league.  The Legacy league lost 4-5 games and even in losing Shane became the #1 team……now that’s dominance.

The world of sports has officially lost its collective minds.  Even though inter league play involves shit talking, nothing can compare to the latest headline of George Foreman vs. Steven Seagal!!  Yes you heard that right.  The once great boxer with 8 children all named George (3 girls), just challenged a B-level at best action star to a no holds barred fight.  At a combined age of 133 this proves that the combination of Viagra, Cocaine, and Testostone are a hell of a cocktail. 



Let’s recap last week’s Highlight reel knock out.  Apparently Bitch Resting Face can’t be beat……by Evil Shenanigans.  Does this loss clinch Evil Shenanigans continued absence from the post season?  I few more weeks will tell.  

So on to this weeks matchups:

BRF vs Dogs:
In this week’s least interesting match up we have an improving BRF taking on a beat down Dogs. Under normal circumstances Dogs would have this in the bag, but with half her team injured and the level of collusion that goes into setting BRF’s roster every week I’m taking BRF by 7.

Missionary Mormon’s vs Naughtiest Nurse Ever:
This is a tough one.  Bye weeks have decimated both these teams, and Anne still has a team with multiple kickers and multiple linebackers what will her final look like?  Although clearly she is colluding with the ghost of Kevin Husted with Stafford, Riddick, and Detroit DEF all in her line-up. Naughty Husted by 12.

Yo Quero Taco Bell vs DeVonta Freeman-less
Another match up where Bye weeks have put both these sad teams out of their misery.  However, they are playing each other so first one to score 85 wins.  I am taking E on this one simply because of the fact that Angela Merkel and Jose De Jesus Mendez Vargas’s love child will be starting Eli Manning!!! E by Bakers Dozen

Super Mariota vs Cop #1
Carla goes into the week with a .500 record and being white female and from Utah she won’t be intimidated by Mike’s normal tactics.  With the number of “questionables” Mike has it looks more like a police line-up than a fantasy line-up…. and he’s starting Big Ben!!!
TD’s by 1 kicked in bathroom stall door.

The champ vs Hiro
With 5 players on a bye week get ready to pick up Hiro’s sloppy seconds.  This should be a barn burner of a cat fight, but Glitter Farts carries a gun….and she’s my neighbor, so Bedazzed Doug by 7 Rhine stones

NOW THE GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!
Two years ago this matchup ended in the best bet video ever (insert Video) This year the bet is back on!!! The loser has to shave a bikini into their chest hair.



Challenge cast!! Bring it Roberts!!!!!

Sevcik by 7

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The Commish Report: Week 4

Late Commish report is late.

Great Saturday evening here in KC. College football on the TV. Commish report on the lapper. Demolished a massive plate of KC's finest BBQ, the Andy Reid size. Midwest living at its finest.

Alright Glennon, lets see who you REALLY are?!

Tomorrow should be a pretty good week of NFL action. Hopefully. So far most games have been soccer level exciting but I expect this week to be different. Apparently September is the new Pre-season but now everyone has their head out of their ass and will play the type of football we expect and love. How else could you explain Trevor Siemian as a top 10 QB?

Welcome to the first round of cross divisional action. Normally this is just a blood bath, where the Crossfitters simply pad their win/loss record at Legacy's expense. Feels like a bit more parity this season. Feels like it...

Lets get to the matchups quickly before these ribs hit the lining of my stomach, spreading BBQ sauce and greasy pork-ness throughout. Creating the age old condition called the "Itis". (4-2 last week, Anne's fault for letting me down)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! TDs and Beers vs Hard Gronk Life: Usually when a cop comes across a minority it doesn't really end well but this half asian is 3-0. Mike's off to a great start leaving Cobb on the bench but his firepower at RB mixed with sneaky good Tyrod Taylor is basically excessive force. Katie has her man Tom though, who has been real pissed off since MY Chiefs made a fool out of him in the opener. Each team has a white guy, each team has a Cooks, each team currently projected over 100pts. This one's gonna be close! Katie's gonna need to fight a lot better than her cat Charlie does because when the Police are like 1,546 - 0 against minority opponents it doesn't look good. Mike by 3pts.

Doug Hates Kim vs The Elders: One team is 3-0 and the other is 0-3. Pretty much all you need to know about this one. Shaner keeps rolling this week as Steve doesn't have a mormons prayer in the world. Shane by 15pts.

Devonta Freeman vs Naughty Nurse: How the hell did I lose to E? Cam can't lift his arm, Witten is 40, Hyde plays for the Niners and HOW THE HELL DID I LOSE TO THIS GARBAGE?! Meanwhile Anne's team is championship caliber. Brees, Cooper, Hill, Mr. Anderson, hell even her Kicker is a top 3 Kicker! Tell Steve I pick Anne in our knockout pool. Anne wins this one by a significant margin.

Evil Shenanigans vs BYE Weeks Can't Be Beat: While Jordy went and had himself a day I don't believe Mike Glennon plays on the other 31 NFL teams so Kareem, Evans, Parker and Russell are gonna be more than enough to keep Nevin winless for another week. Shenanigans by 15pts.

Super Mariota Kart vs Spanish and Awe: After losing his first 3 matchups Casey's gonna have to fight like a Mexican to turn his season around. Apparently that means owning every WR1 he can get his hands on. Jones, Thomas, Hopkins, Hilton, and I guess Bryant. The problem is none of those guys play QB, RB or TE. Which are real holes on his squad. Mexican luck however, he draws my sister's team who's already having a rough week with Ty Montgomery's rib injury and..... mmmmmmm ribs... and I think Casey has just enough WRs to win it. Assuming he picks the right ones. Casey by 1 Dez Bryant TD.

I LOVE CAPS LOCK vs Officer Hops: Katie's watching Zootopia. Great movie. But I digress. Kim's chances of a threepeat are looking slim after a 1-2 start. Her squad looks good but habitually underperforms. Is this the week she pulls it together? My mom's team lives and dies by the Packers. If it wasn't for Trevathan she would have gotten a lot more out of Adams. She still has Gronk and a few others and I think Ajaja gets his against the Saints in London but there's a lot of tough matchups for her to over come. I expect low scores and a narrow victory by DOGS. Hey two championships in a row is a noteworthy thing and all but this is a different year. DOGS by 4pts.

Just quit and go home fuzzy bunny!

Lonzo Ball listens to his own shitty music during pre-game.
And that's all you need to know about Lonzo Ball.

"It's like Woodstock except everyone has their clothes on." - Mike Leach.

The Commish.
S.

The Commish Report: Week 3

How bout them Cowboys? haha! Greatest offensive line my left foot. And Zeke absolutely quit on his team.

I know it's early but it looks like another year of domination by the Crossfit division over the Legacy teams. First round of cross divisional play happens next week.

^My fantasy football life in a nutshell

Long week at work = a Short Report, so onto the MATCHUPS!!! (4-2 last week, Kareem!)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Doug Hates Him vs. Doug Probably Hates Mike Too: Ungrateful dog. Two of our three Undefeateds square off against each other in what Jim Ross would obviously call "A slobberknocker!". Shane's riding the Wentz-Wagon and pulling wideouts off the bench like a 6th man while Mike just beat his wife with no remorse. I'm still full of running back envy every time I look at Mike's squad but I believe this is the week McCaffery figures it out which is great news for Shane and bad news for the rest of us. I'll take Shane in this one, by 13 white running back points.

Evil Shenanigans vs DOGS GONE WILD: If Jordan Howard were a combat pilot he'd already be busted down to flying cargo planes full of rubber dog #$%@ out of Hong Kong. Seriously! He's dragging my otherwise awesome team down into the gutter. And I was one pick away from getting Gurly Power. Dammit Shane. Meanwhile, my mom has turned a rather suspect draft into a sneaky good squad. She's projected to break 100 and defeat me but we all know my opinion of those projection numbers. Shenanigans prevail by 8pts.

BRFs Can't Be Beat vs Shock and Spanish: Ladies and gentleman I present to you our early Sacko Bowl favorites. I know Casey's squad is bad but is it NEVIN level bad??!? Ay Bendito! Someone is getting their first win and if history has taught us anything it's this....Casey by 19pts.

Naughty Nurse vs Glitter Farts: Andrew Luck is not playing NFL football in 2017. Years from now NFL films will have a special on "what might have been" featuring Andrew Luck, whose life and career was cut short because of a horrible offensive line. Might as well drop him now. Luckily for her the rest of Kimmie's squad is fairly formidable and only going to get better when Doug Martin comes back. He has the best NFL nickname ever too... Muscle Hamster. Anne's squad is pretty great too but no good nicknames over there. So I'll give the nod to Kim in a high scoring and close affair. Kim by 5pts.

The Elders vs Mariota Kart: I was so worried about Steve lucking out into a full time Zeke but perhaps that was an overreaction since Zeke not only quit on the cowboys last week but quit on Steve as well. Is this the week he gets back to hitting holes like he hits.....ah too soon? Carla's squad isn't bad, but her key players are facing a lot of tough defenses including the one she has. That's never a winning strategy. I gotta believe Steve finally gets a win when his woman beater helps him beat his woman. Ha! Steve by 14pts.

Hard Gronk Life vs Devonta Freeman: 5 other managers have more points than Katie but of course she's in 2nd place. Eric put up over a hundred points against me last week so undoubtedly he'll struggle to break 60 this week. Hiro keeps the win streak going with more unbelievable luck. Hiro by 10pts.

I'm not convinced at all the Ducks have returned to form. The real tests await in October.

Excited to have my nephew visiting in a few more weeks. Stephen, big head on the boy. Hope he likes BBQ and Breweries as much as I do.

Even more exciting is I (FINALLY) get to see one of my favorite bands, Gorillaz, this Friday at the Sprint center in KC. Definitely in my top 3 personal favorite bands.

• Gorillaz (2001) - I'm 17 years old romping around the valley in my friend Nathan's dad's classic mustang to this album. One day we broke 90mph. 
• Demon Dayz (2005) - Accidentally stole this from my little cousin. I'm probably committing other crimes as well but nothing too serious.
• Plastic Beach (2009) - Obsessed with this album. It's my jam as I drive out to Ashland for AMFs and a Slice of Pep with Eric and others. I actually first met Shane on one of these such nights. Thought he was kind of a dick. I'd confirm this years later. 
• Humanz (2017) - It's a weird year, a reality TV star is president. He threatens ESPN over twitter. 

The future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 2

Life feels so much more complete in the Fall.

If anyone ever tells you that football doesn't matter, here's how you respond.

(This is one of the best things I read this offseason.)

In 1970, with 4 games left in their season the Buffalo Bills lost to the Boston Patriots, when Quarterback James Harris narrowly missed his WR in the end-zone as time expired. This gave them a 3-10-1 record and the first pick in the 1971 draft, which they used to select Running Back O.J. Simpson. OJ stays in Buffalo and meets a woman named Nicole Brown, he proceeds to marry and murder her a few years later...."allegedly". He hires a team of attorneys to beat the murder charge including a man named Robert Kardashian. This makes the name Kardashian interesting when his daughter, Kim, leaks a sex tape and becomes a media sensation. So basically that one Buffalo Bills incomplete pass in 1970 is the reason we have to deal with the Kardashains today. Because if they had won that game they wouldn't have had the first round pick so OJ never would have met Nicole and thus never "allegedly" kill her (he did) which would have prevented the name Kardashian from ever being a subject in Modern culture. God damn you Buffalo Bills. You're responsible for this.

And yea, every NFL game matters.

Probably the best part of NFL's Week 1

Let us indulge in some week 1 overreactions.

Alex Smith is twice the QB Tom Brady ever was.
LeVeon Bell....or should I say LeVeon Bust?
Cooper Kupp is the passing threat the Rams have needed.
OBJ should be the highest paid player in the league.
The Seattle Seahawks are a dumpster fire.
I'm making a triumphant return to the Fantasy Playoff Picture.
My KC Chiefs are going to the Superbowl.

We've only just begun.

Lets talk week 2 Matchups! (3-3 last week, even money)

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!!! Another round of Hot Cop on Cop Action: Mike can't play with his Johnson anymore after a vicious wrist injury, something that hasn't happened to him since the Summer of '87. That won't keep him from fantasizing about TDs as always this week, just... not his wife's, as the defending champion is his formidable week 2 opponent. Kimmie got a big week 1 win over the Mexican AND she gets OBJ and Jay Ajayjay into the fold. That's enough for me to give her the nod this week and take her record against Mike to a dominating 5-2 all time. Kimmie by 8pts.

Hard Gronk Life vs Super Mariota Kart: Two great teams with two great team name puns go head to head this week. Katie beat up on my mom last week and now wants to do the same to my sister. She's part of the family already. Meanwhile, Carla suffered a brutal week one loss to.... wait..... what?.... HOLY COW. Carla won!? That's pretty surprising. Dammit I had something for this. What won't be surprising this week is a pissed off Patriots team playing a Big Easy game against, in my opinion, a pretty terrible Saints team. Cooks will be wanting revenge against his old team and Brady has nobody else to throw to. That's more than enough to say Katie gets the win here, by 14pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs Only Jets Fan Left: E seems to have regressed to his old form, putting up a gentleman's 60 some odd points in week 1. That's the E I know and love. Meanwhile my squad, the KaDream Team (working title), put up the 2nd most amount of points in week one and I did that without any of my WRs who I get back this week. This is my final form and it looks amazing. Evil prevails by 33....nah make that 53 points.

The Naughty Nurse vs Anne: Disappointing week 1's for both these squads. I really thought Nevin was gonna get the win over Shane but then I remembered Adrian Peterson ain't shit at 32 years old. I'm 33 (Jesus Year!) and I can barely get out of bed most days. Getting old really sucks. I really believe in Anne's squad and, while I'm not sure what happened last week, I believe she gets the win this week and many more weeks to come. Anne wins by 10pts.

DOGS RUNNING CAPS LOCK vs The Book of Mormon: Another two teams looking to bounce back after experiencing devastating week 1 losses, especially Steve. His strength is obviously at Running back with Zeke and Shady....but both those players facing stout defenses in Carolina and Denver. Meanwhile, my mom hit the waiver wire hard and brought gems Golladay and Williams into the fold. Williams, who i expect to get more carries that people believe, is facing the Colts. Also her Packers are facing the Falcons and the over/under of that tilt is 53.5. I'll take the over and call the upset, DOGS over Mormons by 9pts this week.

The Mexican vs The Mountain: This matchup is a coin flip. We have probably the best trio of RBs (Gordon, McCaffery, Gurley) against the best trio of WRs (Jones, Thomas, Diggs). Probably with each of these teams is the drop off at talent in all other positions! C. Davis? Never heard of him. I'm gonna give the nod to Shaner in this one simply because that Cleveland defense is the real deal and while Julio will get his, Belicheat is gonna take Thomas out of the equation leaving Casey a few apples short of a bundle. Is that even a saying? Shane by 5pts.

STAT OF THE DAY: Ben Roethlisberger is now the winningest Quarterback in Cleveland Browns stadium history (since 1999)...More wins there than any Browns QB!

Ben's big win, Tyreek Hill's big night plus Zeke getting to play all year, it was a big week for women abusers. Can't wait to see what Joe Mixon does in week 2.

And here he is....having....THE NIGHT OF HIS LIFE.

The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Has a Net Worth of Over $450 Million. Damnit Buffalo.

If you want a great show to watch check out "Glow" on Netflix. Fantastic acting based on a true story.

Also Bojack Horseman for those who don't know. Animal people jokes never stop being funny to me.

I want to see your face on billboards you beautiful non-sensical clown prince!

The Commish
S.

The Commish Report: Week 1

Welcome sports fans to another season of Fantasy Football.

A tradition unlike any other.

First, a recap.

Where were you when Atlanta blew a 25pt lead?

In almost every way, last season was such a kick in the dick. Capped off by that Superbowl. Oh god that Superbowl. Let me set the stage for you guys. Hiro and I decide to host some friends at our place. Handful of her lady-coworkers are coming over. Meanwhile, Costco has a sale on some pre-made marg mix and I get waaaaay too carried away purchasing it. Cause chicks dig margs right?? So 4 handles of this stuff come home with me. (Gotta justify that membership somehow right?). I then fill up this MASSIVE I don't know what you'd call it. It's like a lemonade pitcher with a pouring spout. It's bigger than my 14lb cat. I don't even know how we own this thing. It belongs in a doctors office, really, but instead I fill that beast to the rim with a few blocks of ice and gallons of Kirkland's finest marg mix. Our guests arrive.....and no one drinks it. Not a drop. They hate Margs. Some say they've quit drinking. WTF. They don't even care. But god dammit I'm gonna get my money's worth right? So I'm pounding this stuff. Seriously. A drink for every Atlanta point scored. Happily watching the team I hate the most, the New England Cheaters, just get demolished by Matty Ice and company.

Then things got ugly.

Not sure what punched me in the gut worse. Atlanta blowing that lead or those margs coming back up in a hurry. But I ended the 2016 football season in the fetal position. Surrounded by 2 concerned cats while chasing dinosaurs from the bathroom floor and cursing Tom Brady's name. That my friends, is my football rock bottom.

Good riddance to that season, hello 2017.

Few bold predictions about this season.

- Andrew Luck won't see the field until October, Colts win less than 5 games this season. Seriously, the terrible offense line of the Colts has cut this star's career short a few years already. The surgery he had, only one of 39 MLB pitchers return successfully from that same surgery. They gotta start thinking long term with this guy and there's no rush to put him back out there to get further destroyed.

- Jay Cutler will play surprisingly well. Fins return to the Playoffs. Lets face it, Tannehill's shoes aren't tough to fill. No one will notice the difference. Plus they get to play the Jets and Bills twice a year so that's 4 wins right there!

- Patriots will NOT repeat. I'll take the field.

- Dallas regresses, goes 8-8. This may change should Elliot play all 16. They lost a ton of talent in the offseason and most rookies regress their sophomore year.

- Cam Newton returns to form. Seems to be his pattern. On one season, off the next season. They're a fun team to watch when he's good and even more fun to watch when he's falling apart. NFC South is loaded this year. Current best division in the NFL.

- Kanas City Chiefs are going to the Superbowl! You heard me.

Enough NFL, lets talk Fantasy!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!!! Shock N Spanish vs. The Defending Champion: Last season was Baker's year. Taking an 11-2 record into the playoffs, he looked unbeatable. But the end of 2016 was a dark time for all Mexicans and it was a bubbly white woman holding our newly minted championship belt over her head while a 3rd place half Mexican simply went back to standing outside of Home Depot. No me gusto. Can he recreate some of that brown magic from last season or will Kim take her first step toward a three-peat? Glitter farts drafted 3 players who won't see action in week 1 and I'm pretty sure OBJ will be one of them. The Mexican steals this one after a huge game by Julio. Also half Mexican. Casey by 14pts.

Naughty Nurse vs. TDs And Beers: The best indicator of a great draft is NOT those stupid report cards from Yahoo but rather, the week 1 projection. And nobody has a higher week 1 projection than Anne. Her team is indeed stacked. Cooper, Hill, Bell, Brees, Walker AND even Mr. Anderson is an unfair lineup. Mike may have finally drafted the right David Johnson but I don't believe that will be enough to overcome a great draft from Anne. Or dare I say Mason? NaughtyNurse by 11pts.

DOGS RUNNING WILD vs Hard Gronk Life: Each manager has a set strategy. Pick your favorite QB and then hope for the best. Well, Hiro got her Brady and my mom got her Rodgers. Rodgers is clearly the better QB but when I break down the supporting cast for each it doesn't bode well for my mom. Gronk is a great pick but for him to go off means Tom is throwing those (deflated?) balls his way. Plus there's Antonio Brown. Who is good. Real good. So I'll take Gronk Life to get this week 1 win. Gronk by 19pts.

Devonta Freeman vs Super Mariota Kart: Gotta love it when people draft the player that is their team's namesake. At least Carla was creative about it, but I guess a lack of creativity is what makes E want to look at spreadsheets for a living. Man, I'll really miss having Erics playoff drought as something to joke about. He finally saw the post season last year and now i have no jokes. Seriously. That was like 80% of my content. Gotta find some new jokes. In the meantime, I don't believe in Carlos Hyde (Or any 49er this year) but I can see Eric winning this by 10pts.

BRFs Can't Be Beat vs. Doug Hates Kim: Is this my favorite new team name? Yes. Of course it is. I hate that dog. Shane drafted a nice couple of WRs, but will they be good enough to overcome being overthrown all day by Bortles and Scott Toilzen (sp? I'm not gonna bother looking that one up)? Doubtful. Meanwhile, Nevin picked up every cowboy she could get her hands on, except the one that matters. Dez will finish again outside of the top 25 WRs in fantasy like he did last season.....and the season before that one. Not a lot to like about either squad, except that team name 👍 which is good enough for me to say Shane wins this week, 15pts.

Evil Shenanigans vs The Elders: Ahhh Mormon Jokes, will we ever run out? Steve may not be master of his own Mormon universe anytime soon but he may have gotten the steal of the draft. Zeke, for all 16 games, in the 2nd round. Pairing him with Shady for a very scary one-two punch at RB. I can only hope the courts are slow enough to keep Zeke off the field week 1. But can't anyone believe Zeke's gonna miss 6 games after the NFLs complete bungling of the situation over the last few weeks. What can never be suspended? My undying fantasy optimism. Shenanigans prevails week 1 by 10pts.

Enjoy Thursday Night's season kickoff when MY Kansas City Chiefs shock the world with an upset of New England in New England.

I can't stop watching this.

Can I kick it?

No, Roberto Aguayo, no you can't kick it.

77pts?! GO DUCKS!

The Commish
S.